Backtrack..

It's been quite a while since I've typed here. Perhaps I've grown to be less reliant on the blog. Perhaps I no longer feel as safe typing here. Perhaps..

Polling day came and went, just like the last day of pupillage. Of course, my favourite MP won in my estate, with a greater margin. I think I screamed myself hoarse at the announcement, and bounced around the place for the next few minutes, just like I did when a certain "small white face" lost despite tugging hard at coat tails. Ah... next time, maybe I can offer you better shoes, to feel the ground better, yah?

Still, the results were disappointing.

9 days of elections campaign left me totally worn out, even though I wasn't running for it at all! Just try standing for 3 hours two days in a row in super high heel shoes and you'll know what I mean. One particular field was also disgustingly lousy, in that I could actually sink into the mud. But it was all worth it!

Last day of pupillage came and went. I wouldn't say that I didn't feel anything at all since that would be super unlike me. The day before, we had our review session and the pupillage partner asked me for my comments, which I refused to say. Just like what we think a pupil master should be. I'm glad my pupil master answered the question about the number of times he had brought me out for lunch.. uncountable.. How smart. It was truly uncountable, simply because there wasn't anything to count. Not that I really care cause you are only a pupil master in name only. To think that stupid me actually looked up to you to that great an extent before PLC. Oh well, I must be blind.

Siang Pheng feels a lot more like my pupil master. To think my tears actually wanted to surface when he came by my table on the last day. You see, what I think a good pupil master should be is not the number of times you bring your pupil out for lunch.. but more of, noticing your pupil and taking part in the actual training of your pupil. When I passed him the cookies that day, I actually wanted to say "Thank you, Mr Lek.. Thank you for being a good teacher, for letting me feel that I've a 'stand-in' pupil master for the other non-existent one. Thank you for not letting me feel left out, for being interested in my training, for suggesting to me the things to be done, to try out. Thank you, Mr Lek, for being the fatherly figure.. for always giving me the comforting smile whenever I walk into your room. Thank you for telling me to staple things with their corners neatly stacked together. Somehow that habit stuck and I became more particular about stapling. Thank you for everything, Mr Lek.. for pupillage.. and for my attachment." Of course I didn't, cause that sounds super childish, and it'll just bring up other hidden meanings. Still, I'll not forget to have more confidence in myself, that I'll survive in practice, if I ever do practice. Thank you Mr Lek!

Actually, there were a lot of other things that I wanted to say that day, that I didn't cause it sounded just so not right. Just like... I passed the cookies to Terence without saying "Thank you" at all, even though he's one of those whom I really really wanted to say that to (my pupil master not included). Terence, thanks for always making an effort to make me feel comfortable, be it during attachment or pupillage. He's so much like a big brother, and a very nice one. I still remember the first day of pupillage when my pupil master didn't have anything to say to me, and just told me to go home even though it was way before 6pm. Terence popped by to chat... and made me feel comfortable instantly. Even that day when Wanqing and I were back to deal with our call papers. He was the one who made me look for the provision in the LPA, and then read that provision. Terence, thank you... really!

Hmm... however, the last week also reinforced a view, that is, not to trust law students. Sometimes, you may think that what you said is chivalrous, but you are just giving me more problems. What you say will just get passed on and on.. until it gets out of hand. And thanks to what you smartly told another, I shall remember to watch my mouth even further.

Then again, that once again doesn't matter too.

Was just telling some people that I really don't feel like going for the mass call cause it's just a photo session, and the people I want to take photographs with won't exactly be present. JianPing is overseas.. Koon, I don't want to tell him, simply cause I don't want someone else there, but telling him and not the someone would just put him in a spot if the other person finds out, and I don't want to do that. Hmm... I can't possibly be such a huge brat to ask if Itak da ge is coming to Singapore next weekend right? But mass call would be so worthwhile, even if only one of them turns up.. Hmm...

Went back for NJCO concert on Thursday. I don't know why the impact was so great. When I heard Yao Zhu Wu Qu, memories just kept flooding back.. The happy things that happened during NJCO days... That encore piece.. William Tell.. reminded me of my last concert with RGCO too. Everything just flew by, just like the wind. Before you can even grab hold of them, they've disappeared into dust. But, I still remember how to play those pieces, the notes, who's coming in when etcetc. Some memories just don't fade... I really miss all of you.. I really do...

These two weeks, a once relatively close friend appears to be keeping in contact more often. By right, I would have been relatively happy, but I really don't feel a thing. Cause now, I'm just the silly "guardian angel" (ok.. a bit thick skinned.. but... something to the extent of a person protecting another) who is there to "lend you my shoulders to lean on".. Just as I've said, I'll try my best to help you deal with the current situation (though I don't think you need me actually) before I retire. Though I don't think you noticed what I typed yesterday, or realised what I meant.. What a junior said that day about another having sacrificed/put in a lot really stuck in my mind. I guess I still prefer to watch from afar, appear when needed, before disappearing into the crowd again. I chose to allow myself to be used simply because you still retain a certain standard of importance (as compared to those who have never reached that level of closeness, yet chose to be bigmouths) as a friend.. yet at the same time, you are not as important a friend any more too given that your presence/absence doesn't make that much of a difference either. Contradictory isn't it?

Koon, JianPing.. can I borrow your back to lean on for a while someday and then chat and chat and chat?? I really miss the bus rides, the times in the library where I could talk, talk and talk.. Just like, I miss talking to you too, Itak da ge.. when will you be coming to Singapore again?? Hmm...

Seasonal fruits

I realise that some seasonal fruits are making their appearances when theoretically, it's not that particular fruit season yet. Walked past fruits stall just now, they were selling durians for $1 per pack. Too bad sis is still having her exams. Better not get sick, so decided not to buy.

Still, nowadays, people no longer have to look at the shell, feel the thorns to buy durians. Everything can be prepacked, so I don't think buying durians requires that much skills isn't it? Pardon me if I'm wrong, but I thought it's a, if it looks good then buy? But if it looks crumbly, then you'll just avoid it?

By the way, I heard it's chiku season now. Somehow, I think I'm just plain unlucky, I don't see any chikus in the supermarket yet, not even unripe ones!

******

There's definitely something wrong with me.. some screws missing I think. Why am I so hyper and high today? Even for lunch, although I'm normally quieter when there're strangers, I was actually super high and a bit nonsensical even with Chee Min around. I'm sure he thinks there's some screws missing from my brains too.

Oh, and my pupil master asked me if I want to follow him to court on Tuesday. That's rather rare, but interestingly, I'm not that excited. Since he says he's bring a bitch (in my own humber opinion) for one of his court stuff, why doesn't he bring her for the other? Just saves time for him. Oh well.

Buried Memories and Calm

I wonder if it's a sign of aging when you hear a song that you used to dislike on the radio and find it calming. I sure hope not, considering that I just found myself relaxing as I listened to one Aaron Kwok's song on radio today (a soothing one, not the noisy ones). Given how much I didn't like Aaron Kwok's song in primary school, such reaction does provide some food for thought huh?

Anyway, a recap of last week. No, I did not disappear into thin air. Rather I was just way too tired... from watching VCDs late into the night. Not that I can help it either, given that by the time I get home from tuition, it's already rather late.

As I was saying, last week was peppered with more divergence from the usual week. There was the Monday meeting. Then the lunch on Thursday with Tee Meng. It's quite amusing how we've never actually talked to each other before this. The first and last time I saw him was during my sec 4 RGCO concert and we roped him in to sabo Jamie. Jamie and her blue rose. For most strangers, there would usually be some awkwardness. But not for this 'senior'.. although strictly speaking we are really very much like strangers too!

Then, there was Thursday night dinner with Meisi. Much as I think that the Certificate of Good Character (or something to that extent) is crap, it provided a reason to meet up after so many years. Although I can't say that we've not seen each other for as long as I've not seen Tee Meng, but considering how our friendship goes back to primary school days, the few years since the two of us have really sat down to chat and chat and chat can really be considered super long. That said, I miss having her living nearby. Not that it makes a real difference but, it's just a feeling.

Reminds me of Jo and how she used to live opposite too. Somehow a certain scene of her waiting at her void deck to pass me the homework when I was on MC from school always flash across my mind when I think about how nice it'll be to have her opposite. It's always a good feeling to have your closer friends nearby.

Speaking of which, I was still asking my sis whether I should get Ciyao or Jo to sign my other set of forms.

Friday night dinner with Weiguang. How bad can dinner be when you have your friends as company? In fact, without all this tiny "checkpoints" to tide me through the days and weeks, time would pass so much more slowly and it'll feel a lot more painful! Which brings to mind something Gary wrote in one of his entry. I'm not sure for others but I still need little rewards along the way to push myself forward, so things like meeting up with people who mean a lot to me, or even talking to them just makes all the difference.

Fastforward to Sunday, I turned up for the first time at the clan building since the dinner a few weeks ago which ended with me offering to help out. Although it was almost half a Sunday spent with a bunch of grandfather-like figures, it wasn't really all that bad, even if they were speaking Teochew most of the time (and my brain had to work overtime trying to decipher what they were saying). Still, unlike what people think about clan associations being dowdy places, I actually thought it was rather homely, somewhat like having a bunch of grandfathers looking after you. It's really not too bad. Seriously.

Ah.. and of course the main news for the week. Polling day is next Saturday! How I love parallels especially when they are brilliantly done.

Hmm... would you ever liken yourself to an animal just because you like a particular song with that animal? Take for example, would you want to be associated with a cockroach just because you like the song "Bu Pa"? I won't definitely. But then, there are always people who would (I mean the analogy, not referring themselves to cockroaches)

That's enough on polling day. I'm actually looking forward to attending the rallies once again. This would be the 4th round of rallies I've attended! From the basketball courts to the field opposite Nativity Church, to Hougang Stadium (and probably Hougang Stadium again this year). How things have changed and how I've grown from the primary school girl I then was to the first-time voter I am now. Hmm...

Much Ado About Nothing!

Just as what Gek Koon had said, I was worried for nothing!

Basically nothing was really said during the meeting that couldn't be said over emails. Even the waiting part.

I actually regret saying the lower end of my expected salary. I can so expect them to at most give me my minimum expected. Forget it, like what Wanqing had said, if not happy, just move off. So I'll just take one step at a time, yahz?

You know, it's times like these when you feel most loved. Whatever would I do without the people who are so dear to me?

Gary, thanks for the offer to let me call you after 8.15pm. But I'm fine what... did I sound any bit like I wasn't going to be? =)

Weiguang, thanks for you 101 reassurances.. and company

Gek Koon, for always believing in me, the day before I went for my scholarship interview, all the way till now, the meeting before I start work..

And the bear that I was clutching to at work.. my favourite 18th birthday present from one of my closest friend....

Irene too, for providing me with so much insider info...

AND of course, the unexpected:

Thanks Xinyi, for the well wishes and the listening ear..

And Mingyi, for calling those few times to check if I'm fine..

With so many people giving out warmth, and such safe shelters to rest in.. there's no reason why I should not be grateful =)

Nervousness...

Gosh..

I'm nervous I'm nervous I'm nervous...

Less than 24 hours left.

Why am I nervous anyway?

Still,

I'm really nervous..

I saw my MP today!!!

Ok, the title sounds pretty lame, but yes! I saw my MP today. =) Just suddenly realised it's been 15 years since I watched my first election rally. Back then, it was held at the basketball court downstairs, then it went to that area beside Nativity Church and the last time, it was at the sports stadium. How things change, just like.. my MP seems to have aged a lot since the last election when I saw him at the polling centre.

Anyway, no blogging on political matters.

Other than that, it was pure tuition today. Once in the morning and once in the evening, even though the two places were so near! And I so wanted to strangle the second kid when he perpetually couldn't do simple multiplication and division for fractions although he's in Primary 6! That's not the point. The point is.. his mum said I wasn't to give him any homework! Oh well, but after what I commented today, I think I've sufficiently freaked his mum out to make her more receptive to the idea of homework for her kid. Parents these days are just plain weird...

As I'm typing away, it's Derrick's birthday again. Even though he doesn't know of this blog, nor does he really care about non-important-people wishing him.. as a matter of habit though.. "Happy 24th Birthday, Derrick!"

My wrist hurts!

Contrary to what Weiguang chooses to think, I'm actually not irritated. I even told Joseph that it was ok when he says he owes us lunch. I mean, this is part of my job. Remember NJC's school motto? "Service with honour" Well, I'll just call this service. You pay me, I do whatever you tell me to do. That's it, isn't it?

Ah.. but of course it makes a difference who does the asking. Some IDIOT pupil came over apparently trying to get me to do a repeat of yesterday (Oh yah, unless you are Gary or Weiguang of course, you wouldn't and couldn't have known that I stamped the page number on 5608 pages yesterday, though I did more stamping than that since I made some mistakes and had to redo some of them, but that's another matter). Of course I said no. Firstly, you are but a pupil. Secondly, I do not like your face. So what if you think you're very great? You are but a pupil too, so don't try to tell me what to do. It's your work, so you jolly well do it yourself.

That's all I shall say for work.

I still love my personal friends more.

Was looking forward to having dinner with Weiguang and Weishi, but yesterday's work made me think that it wasn't possible. So I told Weiguang and in the end, dinner was cancelled even though in the end, I changed my tuition till tomorrow and Saturday. =( In the end, I got Gary to keep me company instead. I guess the Income meeting is kind of weighing me down, making me nervous... but with a wonderful company, how can one ever continue to feel down for so long? Thanks Gary! For making me so much cheerier... and for giving me an "immunity boost" for what is to come on Monday.

As you can tell, I'm still kind of apprehensive.

In the end, I did ask that colleague if he was free for lunch on Monday. Although he gave a non-committal answer, somehow, it didn't matter to me. Not when I have comforting-to-talk-to people like Gary to talk to about anything, or when there's always the ever-dependable Weiguang around online, or the always-supportive Gek Koon who is just an sms away. Yup, so I don't need to artificially get someone else to calm me down, cause I'll be fine!

And of course, the start of my weekend just got even better as I'm typing this, just cause I've one of my most-trusted friend online now too!

"Dreamer: My computer runs slower than the time I take to shower says:
i always see u online very late into the night... take care hor"

JianPing, THANK YOU!! I know this sounds stupid and ultra emotional, but.. that just made my day.. I mean.. week..

Then again, that's so not right!!! I've already stopped going online so late into the night, k? But still, that bit of concern just feels super nice on this cool Friday morning.

Yaofang will be fine cause despite a sleepy start, she's now feeling ultra happy! =)

Let's just hope Monday will turn out fine.

Walks

Somehow, people tend to comment all at the same time. Or is it because I haven't been online for quite a while, so the moment I'm on, I get the same comments about how I haven't been online and how I haven't been updating my blog.

These days, I tend to walk home from tuition, whether it's at Woodbridge.. I mean Buangkok, Hougang or Yio Chu Kang. Partly to save bus fare (cause in any case I still have to walk a distance to the bus-stop where I get on and then get off) but also, walking especially late at night allows me to think (unless I'm on a lookout for stalkers). That's the time I used to plan my speech on Saturday. The time when I get my thoughts sorted out too.

As I was walking back today, I suddenly thought of dinner at somewhere East this Thursday, just so that I could deliver a cake to someone's place. Still remembered approximately 5+ years ago, on an early December night, someone commented about how he liked chocolate fudge cake, and I promised/offered to get one for his birthday. Somehow that never materialised, simply cause the friendship started turning haywire about 2 months later when our A level results came out. I don't think you still remember that day, we were out hunting for your tie after my work and dinner was at Snoopy Place cause I liked Peanuts then and had wanted to go there a long while ago. That was one out the two times I dined there before it closed and frankly, I still like that place quite a bit. And I still remembered the comfort you provided the following day, during my class chalet, just because I didn't want to see the bitchy teacher.

Back to your birthday. I wonder if you still remember I actually promised to get you one of the Swatch watches when I finally start work? That was when we spent half a day hunting for the piano book that I needed for my exam and we finally found it at Peace Centre. Neoprints was still a fad then, and we took some that day. In fact, I was quite pleasantly surprise to see one of it pasted in the card that you gave me for commencement.

So many years have passed, I wonder if you still remember the things I had promised then, but I still do. Just that, I don't even know whether I'll be sending you that birthday sms since I don't think it really matters to you. That day, you were talking about birthday presents, but you know, you do have some very precious presents, in the form of 2 friends who would probably do anything to protect you if the need arises, even if they are pissed with you. Really. But whatever it is, your birthday is worth celebrating even if from afar because without the wonderful friend you were during JC times, I wouldn't have been as happy and cheery JC girl as I was then, right?

Then, as I came closer home, somehow, there were a lot more bicycles along the road. Watching them cycle reminds me of 2 friends too.. Guoxing used to cycle to school too, until his bicycle was stolen. Still remembered this time when I was super pissed with you for don't-know-what-reason and didn't really want to talk to you. But you still brought me the papers.. 6kg worth of it.. On top of your school bag and stuff.. And you cycled to school. All this just because my class wanted to win that chalet stay and I asked you to. Just like the Cebu trip when I refused to have the raw egg on my breakfast or the greyish-black looking rice at Maranathan.. Or the times when you would get biscuits for me when you hear of me skipping lunch/recess cause of the long queues.. In fact, that day I had the strawberry Polky(correct spelling?) for lunch just cause it reminded me of JC. Come to think of it, I really miss those days when we talked on the phone, at the staircases, along the corridors and wrote postcards.. Those were such carefree days (ok, minus school work since I remembered our grades were almost equally bad.. Must be my bad influence..) I really missed the chats we had then. But we've all grown up over the years and have changed somewhat. Somehow we aren't as good friends as we were then. But you know what? No matter how we grow, one thing will never change, that is, you'll always remain one of my most treasured friends (yes.. even if you were to irritate me at times)

Talking about treasured friends and bicycles, how could the image of a certain Mr Chai not pop up? You wrote either in one of the letters or in my autograph book that we would still have to keep in contact after graduation, cause you still hadn't taught me to play the guitar or cycle. Actually, till now, you haven't! But I've more or less learnt how to cycle, albeit rather dangerously still. I still remember my first attempt at learning. You were the one teaching me and as usual, you took extra care so that I wouldn't be injured, even though it meant you ending up with cuts given my perchant for zooming into rubbish bins =) Even though I kept commenting about how I couldn't learn properly as a result of you focusing so much on not letting me get injured, I was and still am very thankful for that. Really. Just like how you played a role in ensuring that I didn't get straight Fs for my A levels. Stupid whoever. I so wanted you to come down for the mass call, but they had to make it so early which means you can't be there. I wonder how you're coping with your exams in US now. Hmm.. I really miss the times when we took the bus to that SCGS bus stop together, come to think of it, I must have been quite a chatterbox during those few minutes huh? Actually, I can't remember why I started changing buses instead of taking that one direct bus home.. but if you ask me, I don't think I'll regret the changing bus. Even if we were having cold wars on the bus at times. Hmm... I really really miss those bus rides, but even if we do take the same bus again, somehow both of us have changed so much, sometimes I think we've even run out of things to say. Perhaps that was one reason why I enjoyed my commencement that much too.. somehow that day it just felt so much like JC.. Have I ever said this before? Thank you, JianPing.. really..

If Jianping was the pitiful classmate who had to bear with my chatterings and kiddy behaviour, then Koon must be the poor classmate who always had to hear about my problems, when I do feel like confiding. Don't know why, I kept having this memory of us sitting in the Chinese books side of the library and I started talking about something that happened at home. Or the times he had to get me out of scrapes, for example the stupid bitchy Ms Yang incident. I spoke my mind about her childish behaviour, and then refused to contact her further and Koon had to take over the dirty job and he never once scolded me too. And then there was the time when I was doing attachment at Income and was somehow somewhat akin to having depression. Smsed in the afternoon, and we met up in the evening and just talked and talked. He was still in NS then, so I can't remember why he could be out on a Wednesday evening. But as usual, he's always able to drive the rain clouds away. Although I know you'll find me irritating for saying "thank you" on and on.. I really really mean it.. Thanks for being my safest and sturdiest pillar all these years. Really...

Wonder what made me think of these 4 most treasured JC friends. Perhaps work, Income just makes me miss them and the very safe feeling...

In any case, the Income meeting is next Monday. Don't know why I'm feeling nervous now. If only one of them were nearby. But of course that's only a "if".. Hmm... don't think a certain Mr Wong Kum Fu reads this.. else he promised lunch on the afternoon of my meeting with Income HR. But.. I don't think I'll ask.. somehow, I really don't understand why I'm so conscious of what Derrick's friend said to me the last time.. It's just plain old-fashioned thought... but...

It's always the simplest things that brighten the day

Had tuition today and after that, since the tuition was at Compassvale Lane, I thought I would drop by Reich's place to borrow the stuff I wanted. But in the end, he cycled over to pass the stuff to me. And initially, I wanted to make sure he get back safely. In the end, he was the one who sent me all the way till downstairs.

It's been such a long while since I've last seen him. And it's always a joy to see the little-boy-who-had-just-grown-to-be-a-bigger-boy. Thanks for the books! And for sending me back! =)

On another note, I met up with Priscilla too for lunch. Not that we talked much, but, lunch was just relaxing.

Shall look forward to dinner with Reich and company... soon? =p

I am a lazy pig...

In the end, I still succumbed to temptation and started blogging before I start on my work. I've spent so many days on 2 ought-to-be-not-too-difficult-tasks set by my pupil master, but the dumb me just hasn't finished it. Somehow, work from my pupil master always stresses me out. I don't know why, but sometimes, much as I like doing work for my pupil master, I'm always in this adrenaline-high state whenever I'm not done with the work. The last time I had this sudden panic attack was the week before PLC exams, I think, when Kum Fu seemed to have studied so much and I felt I was just plainly not studying. This time round, I was watching my weekly Saturday TV (which I missed for the last 2 weeks, but that's besides the point) when the sudden panic came zooming in and paralysed me. This is so not good. I think if I don't start on it, I doubt I'll sleep well tonight. Then again, I've tuition tomorrow morning and if I really don't sleep, I think I'll just doze off tomorrow!

Anyway, my tuition line-up next week is beginning to sink in. Perhaps that's the reason for my panic attack too.

Enough is enough..

What a certain Mr Tan pointed out (I think.. can't really remember what he said though...) was really true. It's just plain childish to move blogs each time you want to avoid certain readers. So after some pondering (which I normally do on my 45min walks home) I thought, this can't go on all the time. And like what another guy said to me many weeks ago, though he was talking about himself, so long as you are able to take responsibility for your words, you don't really have to worry that much.

Someone just drove home the point about how my "colleague's treatment" should be extended and applied to one and all. You had to affect the start one of my weeks, though your actions didn't do that much harm, at least I couldn't be that bothered with whatever you did. But you just had to spoil my otherwise-relatively good week again by insisting on serving some unpalatable "dessert". Whatever it is, thanks for driving home the point about being extremely cautious.

Thankfully of course, your extent of ability wasn't that great. There were better things along the day that made me forget about you, until I sat down to type this of course.

Was once again the first to reach my side of the office today. It's always so much nicer to work when there's no one around. SP came in later followed by my pupil master. To the not-informed, seeing my pupil master at 8am is an extremely rare occurrence, or rather, I've never seen him around at that time before. Somehow, he came by my table, peered his head over and asked "Are you alright?" That was a pretty dumb question, given that I was doing work and I wouldn't have answered anything else anyway. But he continued with the "Are you sure? You look rather sad lately" something to that extent, though I can't remember what exactly he said. It felt not bad, my pupil master actually noticing me (even though I still think I'm always smiling brightly although a certain Weiguang apparently begs to differ). But, I guess the estasy of getting concern from my pupil master is not longer as great as before PLC.

Which reminds me I'm still NOT done with my pupil master's work.

Ah.. and I did leave the card and cookie on Wei Shin's table early in the morning even though I didn't talk to him or say bye when leaving. I mean, so many people going in to talk/say bye to him, I don't have to add to the numbers, right?

Oh yahz, to Xinyi who left a comment on my yesterday's entry on my transitional blog, don't worry, I survive pretty well on biscuits and my soya bean drink. And, call date is on the 20th, want to come?? Though I don't think it's very exciting.

And since the above paragraph is for you, can you try to remind me to say something? Thanks gal!

Meanwhile, it's time to catchup on my long lost sleep!

EQ vs IQ

Was just having an interesting conversation/debate about EQ and IQ. I still agree that EQ is way more important than IQ, and that I do not have much EQ, at least I seem to lose very often in my games of chess.

The call date is confirmed. 20th May. That's so fast. And tomorrow is Wei Shin's last day. One less da ge ge around. But I'll be fine, cause I'm Yaofang right?

Not much progress in my work. Don't know why, the pressure always feels worse when it's work for my pupil master. I think I pushed myself a bit too hard today to meet my self set deadline of tomorrow, since my shaky hand problem is surfacing again. I'm actually beginning to feel hungry but as I've said to myself, no real food until I finish my work. If I can't even take it for a few days, how am I going to survive beginning next week?

I'm still feeling disappointed, that the mass call is on 20th. This means JianPing definitely cannot make it.

No Weiguang and Gary around on MSN tonight. I actually miss having them online tonight, cause I just want to whine a little. I'm a spoilt brat, I must agree. Territorial exercises should be limited to territories, not spread to every corner. It's tiring you know? But I can press on simply cause I know I can.

Had lunch with KF and Xinyi yesterday. Finally managed to return the treat, so there's no pressing need to return lunch treats anymore. But lunch was fun and it was a good break.

Given this public domain, I think it's high time I removed these entries right? Should I? Or maybe I should just copy Mr Chan.

Tired. Shall let brain have a break and work.

Wonder if it's possible to get to work at 6+.

I feel so loved huh?

"As she is the only pupil who is not retained, could RE have her posted here for the rest of her pupilage. We can do with the extra pair of hands."

Hello.. I have a choice right? And I prefer to do something that's related to Income, not running errands for you just cause you need. If you want, ask properly and I'll be glad to do so.

That said. I don't feel anything. Perhaps I just hate all of you too much to be bothered

You know you've grown up when...

You were looking for dinner and you ended up buying some packaged cake because it reminded you of primary school, and how you used to buy it for $0.20 which meant you could save more than 50% of your pocket money.

Relativity

You know how much a friend means to you according to your reaction to their words. Judging from a friend's reaction to another friend's rash words, it's really obvious how much he means to her.

Just found out that Wei Shin is leaving the firm. The only da ge ge in the department whom I feel comfortable enough to hide in his room to talk. And come to think of it, I think I've disturbed him quite a few times. One less relatively familiar comfortable face. And he's always so nice. When I emailed him to ask if he's going for CDR on Wednesday afternoon, his reply was he'll bring me around the court on Wednesday! So he noticed the schedule and remembers he's bringing me!

Haha.. I sound so much like a kid =)

Talking about kids.. Today is Huijun's birthday. Though it's been so many years since we've graduated from IJ (Ponggol), somehow, I never seem to forget her birthday, or Jo's birthday (which happens to be tomorrow), or Lim Ting's birthday (which is a month later). If you notice, everyone's birthday pivots around hers. Wonder what she's doing now, and what Huiwen is doing. Wonder if Huiwen is still as cute as ever. In any case, Happy 24th Birthday, Huijun!

And talking about birthdays... LiJia is going on holiday to Japan soon! Actually I felt a bit bad asking her to get some stuff for me.

Navigating through this week

I've actually typed an entry in the wee hours of yesterday morning. An incomplete entry that I've decided to discard, simply because it's just way too difficult to bring myself back to my thoughts yesterday and type on from there. Same thoughts, but a day's difference makes lots of difference, at least, it's a bit harder to continue in the same tone.

Just got back from watching Brokeback Mountain with my mum (yes, it's like so long ago, but I just didn't have the time to watch) The show was.. in my usual description.. ok lohz.. Just that, I really didn't like one of the characters. Perhaps I just don't agree with or particularly like those who want others to conform or do things their way. Each of us have our own background, our own situation so a similar scenario may mean differently, and bring about different actions in them. Each of us have our own burdens and worries such that, if you truly care about the other, you would not really want to force the other to do things your way just to make you feel better or let the person be in a not-so-happy scenario.

Or perhaps it's just me.

Sometimes, I really don't know whether keeping a lay-back attitude and trusting one's friends to do what they think they prefer is really right. Just like last evening when I was out with a friend. There was a point in time when he had a pensive look.. yet, I just didn't want to ask because I thought he didn't want me to anyway. Is this the best way to show concern? I don't know. There's very little that can be done when one just stands by hoping to be able to watch over a friend. Then again, that's not even considered watching over.. it's just basically doing nothing!

In any case, I truly truly enjoyed last evening. Just like what I told Zhul in the afternoon when he asked about my lunch.. "Dinner will be much better". He thought I was just being optimistic. Little did he know that I was just making an accurate prediction, because I just knew that I would enjoy my dinner. Food hardly ever matters that much to me as compared to the lunch/dinner company I have. Ok, not that I'll be very happy if the food was disgustingly inedible of course, but the point is, so long as you have a great company, the food always seems much better. But, I noticed a very bad habit of mine too. I tend to go overboard in my attempt to make meet-ups light-hearted, so much so that the dinners could just end up crappy. Guoxing mentioned it the last time I met up with him and Shamini. And last evening, I consciously noticed it. In fact, I thought the nonsensical chattering forced my dinner company to automatically switch to a crappy mode, which should be rather far from what he was feeling yesterday (or was I just being over-sensitive and over-imaginative? I doubt so though) So much so that when we adjourned elsewhere later, I thought it felt a lot better to see the thoughtful look, just because it just didn't seem like he had to put in extra effort to put up a front.

But as I said, dinner was a highlight that played a role in helping me get through the week. Can still remember how much I dreaded the start of this week just before it started, because I had thought that it would be the start of emotional-torturing weeks ahead. But the week turned out otherwise, thanks to the beacons of star-light that beamed in through the week. In fact, a certain KM actually commented about me bouncing in the office on Thurs, and that, was just because I had spent the night chatting with another very close friend of mine. Actually, it wasn't only bouncing across the office (that was a muted form of skipping actually, since I couldn't skip around the office in front of everyone, like I used to across the NJC library). I actually skipped across the corridor when no one was watching, skipped instead of walk during lunch. Come to think of it, I must have looked rather idiotic, but, somehow, I really felt that light-hearted that day. See what difference my friends can make to my week?

Seriously though, despite being surrounded by so many fake ones all around, I'm still very thankful to have friends who are truly concerned. Just like.. when I told Gek Koon about me and my just increased number of tuitions, his first reaction was "kaoz...... dun take up so many assignements lah..." and after a longer period of chatting, he went "the main pt is not jioin u out... tink u shd keep some of ur time free for relaxation n entertainment" And stupid as it sounds, it actually felt heartwarming to see that. Thank you, gk!!!! Don't worry, I know how to look after myself! =)

That basically unsatisfactorily sums up my sunny week. To the 2 guys, thank you for somehow being the highlight of this week, for blowing away the rain cloud that threatened to ruin my week!! Really.. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's always nice to end the day happily...

And so it did. Even if it was a phone call to get me to use my sleepy brains. I just love hearing familiar voices that I do care about. And it made me a tiny little bit less sleepy too =)

After lying and pretending real life and virtually for an entire day, it's just pure pleasure to finally get to be the real me just as I'm about to fall asleep. Sweet dreamz! =)

Life's Little Ironies

To think that I was still cautioning a friend about watching his words yesterday night. I should have applied the same advice to myself. And since I didn't, I have no one else to blame, other than myself. Which probably explains why I didn't feel anything significant. It's just another lesson well learnt. Perfect.

Just like many many months ago when I really wanted to be in Liti. And now that I'm back in it, I'll just say I can't remember why I had so badly wanted in. "Oooh.. You can't let her do this, cause there'll be a conflict of interest" Hello! I've seen the entire file even before I went for my PLC, and that demand thing was done by me to. Oh well, as usual, I still can't feel a thing.

Perhaps I just can't be bothered any more. Nothing is real, and so, nothing is worth putting heart and soul for. Ironically though, I'm some sort of bothered by my can't-be-bothered attitude. The numbness once again made me want to prick it to see if I could feel.

It's always when people are not around that you wish for them to be. Just like these days when things haven't been smooth, I'd wish if JianPing were in Singapore. And today, it'll be nice if Gary was around too. Just that, even if Jianping were in Singapore, I would never allow myself to bother him anyway. Nor would I whine to Gary if he weren't on MSN either. It's just a matter of me preferring the "if only".

Just like this evening, as I was walking to the MRT station along the oh-so-familiar route. It's been 5 years since I've spent a huge part of my day around that area, but somehow some memories just stay on. Just like the Shatec restaurant nearby that would always remind me of the lunch I had with Grace and Joanne, and how we ended up absolutely wet for class. Come to think of it, 5 years ago around this time, we probably have not even talked to Itak and Darmaji yet, and Darmaji was still Tarmaji in my eyes. The VCD shop is no longer there, but I can still picture the scene where they had just used my soft toy duck to make me smile before the break, and then during the break, they would sit there watching what's shown on the not-really-huge tv. Stupidly enough, these days, this is one of the stuff that reassures me and makes me break into a smile. Then again, as I was walking past today, I can't help but wonder, perhaps these memories were great, only because I don't really get to see them around. Less contact mean less chances of conflict. But seriously, I really do miss studying life with them and Joanne.

But I'm still thankful, in any case, there's always Weiguang online. It sounds pretty stupid to go "AHHhhhhhhh" for no reason but it just felt nice and SAFE. In these few months, Weiguang has turned into one of my safest shelters, so much so that it didn't occur to me what would happen if the safe shelter wasn't what I think it is. What would I do? I don't dare to think, nor do I want to. I'll just take it as it comes. Meanwhile, I'll just indulge in the safeness and comfortable hideout, at the expense of being an irritant. Weiguang, thank you! I really mean it..

Which reminds me, I wonder if a certain Mr Tan is free for dinner on say, Friday? If you are, then I'll try to reschedule my tuition. Can can?

I realised it's been a long while since I've concretely asked another male friend to meet up, thanks to a comment by some friend's friend. Actually, have you ever realised that, the reason why I bother to be nice is merely cause you happen to be a close friend of a friend of mine? But that doesn't give you the right to tell me what to do. The only ones who get to are people I treasure, and whether any one belongs to that category is for me to decide.

On the same note, I realised I still owe KF lunch too. And I have less than 2 months to repay the lunch. Only that he always seem to be busy or at least I assume so.

I may not be of any help...

Nor am I the best listener in the world. But I'm always willing to lend a listening ear any time of the day, just as I'm happy to lend you my shoulders to lean on/cry on if you ever need.

My Favourite Things

Don't know what came over me, but as I switched on the computer a few minutes ago, I started humming the tune "my favourite things" (I think that's the name of the song, though I can't exactly remember) from "The Sound of Music". If I don't remember wrongly, Ms Foo, as she then was, taught us this song when I was in Primary 2, a group of us had to sing this for one of the teachers who was retiring, and who didn't teach us. Come to think of it, I still have the tiny song sheets, stuffed in the book that Ms Foo gave me when I topped the class in Primary One. Much as I would like to say that it just felt like yesterday when all of these happened, somehow, these events are beginning to have a somewhat distant feeling.

Anyway, such nostalgic stuff are not supposed to be part of the entry today. The events over the past few months have taught me not to hold on to the past, but to look ahead. Any happy memories were, well, the past. And it's time to let go. There's no where in this society for nostalgia. At least it's not supposed to be for anyone to see

That's still veering off course. As I was going off to sleep last night, I received a relatively nice sms. Those were really nice/kind words, Daniel! Hee.. and then this evening, as the movie was about to start, Qi sent me an sms too! Don't really know how to explain it, but it's just... a nice feeling. =)

Suddenly thought of primary school.. The very first time I did someone a "favour" was when a Malay teacher asked me to help her get some food during recess. I can still vaguely remember that feeling of happiness when Ciku Rohani (I think) said "Thank You". And my first reaction was.. "Oh.. so that's what the teachers meant by zhu4 ren2 wei2 kuai4 le4 zhi1 ben3"

Sometimes, I can't help but think that I'm a lousy friend, plus lousy sister. Friend-wise, there are many others who are much better at showing true concern to others. For quite a number of my friends, for example, sometimes, I don't understand why they would still be my friends. I mean, I make one of the lousiest and most problematic friend in the world, yet they can still tolerate me, to the point that I really really do owe them a lot, more than I can ever pay back. As for sister wise, I noticed that my sister had a letter from a tuition agency today. Which means she took up another tuition. It's not the first time I've told her not to take up any more tuition assignments. I mean, it's really taxing to be giving so many tuitions, doing her degree, plus doing her MDIS course. I would much rather she spend time watching TV and relaxing instead. Yet, if I comment about this again, I can forsee that we would end up arguing. Spoilt by me, I guess. But I just can't help wondering whether I am that lousy a sister, such that my sister just cannot depend on me. But all the same, it just made me realise another reason why I should not be childish and do what my heart tells me to.

Oh well, grown ups, unlike kids, cannot run away from responsibilities, right? =)

Classification

I came across this word yesterday whilst giving tuition to the Primary 3 kids.

Classification is not just limited to science. In fact, each of us does quite a significant bit of classification each day. Food you like and food you don't. Your hobbies and your dislikes. Just like, people you trust and people you don't.

Had a short conversation (if you deem it as one, of course) with a PLC ex-classmate. It seems, classifications evolve everyday. Sometime last year, I had an entry basically commenting about how impressed I was with their group of people. Fast forward till today, I've actually more or less conclude that they're no less different from the other colleagues of mine, simply because they are but just another colleague in law. When I was talking to WL last Friday, she mentioned about how this ex-classmate of mine behaves like a certain M. As I thought through deeply, his resemblance to M really did become striking. And so even if I am still concern as an ex-classmate (how else do you think I've bothered to get information about retention yet not wanting to upset you should the results be negative), the fact is, if made to answer a question I had pose earlier this year, my answer is No, I don't think I'll be able to trust you, at least not anywhere in the near future. I guess I'm just too tired of caring and trusting and then have the real care, concern and trust betrayed. In fact, I actually do regret saying some things. A lot of colleagues "show concern" only in a bid to better working relations, without really actually meaning what they say. So even though I do not totally believe what another said about you, I also believe that your being nice is at least a little linked to work and usability. At least if I were to analyse carefully, I would believe it to be so.

Perhaps I'm just overestimating my usability. Earlier, I was telling Weiguang how pupillage and PLC had drastically changed me into a worse person. I do not extend as much care to as large group of persons and in fact, I can't exactly be bothered to. Why should I naively open up my heart just to let new people take a stab at it? I'm happy with my bunch of friends whom I'll always be ready to get hurt for. Just as what I've told another person earlier this week, just because you are amongst my treasured friends, no matter how much you hurt me, make me irritated or how much I want to give you up as a friend, the fact is, deep down in my heart, nothing can destroy the roots of that friendship. Even if I were to say that I've given up, I think it still doesn't take much for me to forgive you time and again. But of course, you have to get there first and I admit, it's getting tougher and tougher to get there.

But I sure hope pupillage has made me slightly more mature in dealing with people, as in, to watch my words. You know, at certain points, it no longer hurts at all even if a person you admire so much could have been the person who had played you out. You just feel disappointed and that's it. Just like what some shows had said, love and hate is only separated by a very thin line. It's the same as admiration and absolute disappointment, I suppose. Simply because throughout the entire episode, you've only managed to make me even more motivate to excel and outshine you someday.

Come to think of it, I was actually nice enough to offer to help photocopy stuff when I heard about the sudden appearance of more documents that were not included when E drafted his document. And I wasn't even unhappy that the real work went to Y instead whilst I was just acting like an extra pair of hands. A sign of maturity perhaps?

Then again, maturity means one would deal with matters more calmly right? In which case, I think I'll still fail, given how freaked out I was by that idiot stalker just now. He's the same mad man (at least he looks like one to me, and there are so many certified ones living in my area that it's no surprise if he's one anyway) who followed me into the lift twice, refused to tell me which floor he was going, followed me out of the lift, and then hid behind that pillar to spy on where I was going. The last time, I forced him to get out of the lift first and refused to bulge until he walked a short distance across that storey, when I was running up the stairs, I turned back to check and sure enough, that idiot stalker was behind the pillar spying again. As for today, I bumped into him at Watsons.. face to face. And that's it. He kept looking and looking and refused to get out of Watsons till he realised I wasn't going to leave until he left. And so he did, walking a few steps out of Watsons. To test if I were right, I popped into MiniToons, and yes, there he was, waiting outside, a few steps away. Hoping that Reich would be working at the Hougang Popular, I walked into it (I mean, it always feels safer with guys around, even if the guy is younger than me, agree?) Of course, Reich wasn't around. By then I was just plain freaked out and the thought of entering the same lift here was just met with a huge NO in my brain. I flipped through secondary assessments, then primary ones, all the while looking up and glaring at him on and off, just to see him looking in my direction. Thankfully though he finally went off but that was already more than enough to scare me. All the way home, I had to make Weiling talk to me on the phone, just in case he suddenly appeared out of nowhere and dashed into the lift again. What kind of nervous wreck have I evolved into? This is disgusting! Stupid idiot stalker. Go away go away go away!!

Of course, having spent one paragraph typing on such frivolous matters, I must of course thank Weiling for keeping me company on the phone else I wouldn't have dared walk home, and Gary even if he couldn't walk me home. You know, it's always a very good feeling when your friends do genuinely show concern by calling back to check. So.. you are great, Gary!! And being such a great person, I'm very sure better things will come your way. It's always those who are blind and dumb who are unable to see the brillance in you and it just so happens that there are way too many such dumbos around. To the particular Mr Chan friend of mine, if you ever need a cheerleader to cheer you on (though of course not a very professional one, but, not that badly CMI though lahz..) you know where to look, k? Cause a supporting pillar does not necessary have to make noise but can always be there, yahz?

On the same note, to the Mr Speech-expert, have more confidence in yourself! Whatever the most adorable little girl says is always the truth so you have no choice but to believe her words, understand? Somehow I'm just reminded of a comprehension passage in primary school, humans are like springs, if it's not stretched, it will rust, but if it's overstretched for long periods, the elasticity will be gone. (Come to think of it, this part applies to an ex-classmate I mentioned earlier too) Anyway, I'm sure you get what I mean too, right?

Since I'm still in the mode, the person I've been calling "mummy" very often is a very capable person too, k? So, don't always be so unsure of yourself or put yourself down. Like I've mentioned to another friend above, your most adorable little girl-girl will always be around to be your cheerleader when you need the motivation.

Of course, and finally, to my favourite Vampire-VCD-lender, don't be discouraged! It's just one of the obstacles that dumb lecturers put along the way, but being the computer expert you are, you will excel and outshine the lecturers by the end of the sem! Jia you jia you!!!!!!!!! =)

Ok, I know it sounds weird to be talking to people on what is supposed to be a record of my day, but I don't and won't say such stuff directly (it just feels plain mushy and gross lahz.. or rather, I'm just not comfortable saying it in a conversation) so talking to my blog is just my indirect way of telling them I care. And, since the Legal Profession Act (I think) requires lawyers to have integrity, and integrity includes not lying, all of you can be assured that whatever I type here is of course the truth, otherwise I wouldn't dare to publish it for all to see, right? So believe me, all of you are brilliant, capable, talented in your own ways.. cause I said so! =)

Gems

This has of course nothing to do with the new slogan to promote good service. That can be reserved as a topic in itself which more often than not, I don't have much to say anyway.

Anyway, as I was typing the above, the phrase "friends are like wine, they just get better with age" suddenly popped into my mind. Because of a chat with a long time friend (at least I consider so lahz..) last night, everything just miraculously felt better and I'm suitably recharged. Somehow, I could even sleep soundly last night unlike the previous few nights.

Ahz..The power of my friends...

Further note (9.59pm): Couldn't be bothered to start a new entry, so I'll just continue here. Even if the friend I was chatting with last night doesn't read this, and I'm not planning to let him know about this blog, I still owe him a huge THANK YOU! Not that he did much actually, now that I think of it. Still, it's been a really long while since there wasn't this huge stone weighing on my shoulders day in day out, to the point that I've almost forgotten how it feels like. I can even sleep early simply cause I know I can finally fall asleep and sleep soundly again.

The co-relation between mood and exercise

The topic sounds a bit serious but then again, I am really serious about the topic.

Being not of sound mind lately (or perhaps I'm always so), I decided a few days ago that I would attempt to walk home after work. Then, Gek Joo smsed me near 6pm today to ask if I wanted to walk with her to City Hall MRT (apparently, she thinks she wants some exercise too) and so, I agreed. The only difference is that, instead of merely walking to City Hall MRT only, I continued walking and walking to Boon Keng MRT. That's 6 out of the possible 10 MRT stops home. I am slightly impressed by myself.

Then again, walking allowed me to think and reflect on how childish and wrong my behaviour has been. It's just a few months, I should just be a good girl and stop creating trouble. That's what I resolve to do on top of walking as often as I can. =) But I must say, there were certain areas which were both familiar as well as scary, if you know what I mean. I managed to keep a straight face, and not show how scared I was at certain areas. The problem with my area is just that there are some areas where I wouldn't dare walk, so it means I'll still have to take the train no matter what, unless some nice people out there want to keep me company to walk that stretch. Haha.. Then again, I don't think anyone who lives around here reads my blog anyway.

Even though I'm in a light-hearted mood, I need to complain a little. The parent is driving me nuts. She calls and calls and calls! Like I've nothing better to do than to entertain her. And when I don't pick up her calls, she sends me sms-es to complain. What a spoilt brat.

Aside from that, the day was relatively ok. Despite the fact that there were still certain instances when I actually wanted to borrow a shoulder to lean on for a moment (I'm a jellyfish, can?) just like the past few days.. Anyway, I managed to meet Xinyi for lunch, had work from Eugene and PL and incompleted work from Terence. I must confess I said something which upon reflection didn't sound appropriate in response to a comment that Eugene made. Oh well, just hope he and Qi-en doesn't take it to heart/remember what I blurted out without much thinking.

Should I walk again tomorrow? Hmm... let's hope I don't get muscle ache tomorrow morning first =)

Giving me a choice will not make me like you any better

Received a reply to my email this morning. Thankfully with Weiguang online to remind me, I'll never send out stupid replies (Then again, even without Mr Randall around, I'm still sensible enough not to do that.. Just that his online presence allowed me to let off some steam.. and show how rude I can get, if only I want and can be)

If given a choice, would you:

(1) Request to do something that you are interested in, that you might fill up your checklist with, but might not get any work because there are too many people (which means you can't fill up your checklist anyway) and there are many people you would want to avoid and hate, and that you probably have to force a smile everyday; or

(2) Request to do something that does not interest you as much and which probably won't be as useful for you since you don't see yourself doing it in the near future, but you like the people you sit with, the people you see and putting on a smile is not as difficult.

Which would you choose? I'm quite tempted by the latter, but is it very dumb?

Inner Pressure?

Some people say that dreams are a reflection of what you've been thinking. In that case, it probably means I've been subjecting myself to quite a bit of internal pressure. Even after being awake for half an hour by now, my heart is still racing as badly. Someday, this is going to get me to IMH.. But interestingly, I was once again able to reason very nicely in my dream today. Still, why did I feel so lost throughout the dream?

Anyway, enough of dreams. No point typing and typing about "scary" things, right?

Thursday, I met up with my cousin for lunch! He was working in that area that day, and so he smsed me. Hee.. his first sms was funny "do you know who am I?" or something to that extent. And as I was telling him, this is the most I've spoken to him in 24 years! Actually, that should be 23 since he's a year younger. I couldn't have spoken to him before that, right? =) Still, it was fun.. and cheery. At least as compared to lunching with fellow law people, perhaps because I could be more frank and I could avoid certain topics that would hurt.

Friday. Since a certain guy wanted some honourable mention in my blog and since I'm such an adorable little nice one, of course I'll grant him his wish. Actually, I do believe I did beam when I saw him (though I don't know how I happened to be looking in that direction at that particular time). It's always a great pleasure to bump into the friends I hold dear. And I realise the fact that I love my non-law friends a lot more than my law ones will probably always hold true. Maybe because I'll always feel safest with them and so, even if last week was a particular bad week, Friday night was a good medicine =) though Mr Tan, it'll be even better if we do get to meet for dinner someday! =)

Yesterday, it was still tuition as per normal in the morning. And then latter in the afternoon (cause she complained about having to go out in the hot sun), I went with my mum to Chung Hwa Medical Hospital at Toa Payoh. Actually, it was more of me forcing her to, since Western doctors are getting more quack these days (at least most of those we see) and I heard Chung Hwa was good. Luckily we went late too. Cause the next queuing time was supposed to be at 6pm, so we had to queue for an hour before they gave out queue numbers and started registration. And after that, it was another 1 hour wait for the doctor because the doctors start work only at 7pm. Ever since I've stopped going to polyclinics.. ermz .. since primary school, I don't think I've queued that long to see a doctor. But it wasn't that bad, given that the place was pretty and I guess I'm better able to waiting now (especially since I'm trained to do that almost every day anyway.

Oh.. and some photo since it's been quite a while since I've uploaded any here, I think. Before we set off for Toa Payoh, my mum made me try the hat that her colleague gave her and we started boliaoly taking..

And since I'm in the mood to upload photos today, here's another photo I took before running off to work one Friday. No points for concluding that I was late for work that day.. I think..

Today. tuition got cancelled relatively late. Else I could have either taken up Weiguang's offer of movie with him and Gary, or gone cycling with Nelson, Vicknesh and company. Not that the latter mattered that much actually, since even though I really wanted to go cycling especially at a certain place so that I can return something to someone who lives relatively nearby, I didn't like the rest of the company. I shall not mention names since I know some of their friends will probably see this. Sometimes, I really cannot imagine how someone is older than me, because he simply does not seem to be able to understand or reason like an adult. This is on top of the fact that he doesn't even seem to understand what can or cannot be said. Then again, maybe I'm just making a molehill out of nothing since he's not the only person I know who does that.

Another week has just gone by. Just a few more weeks more to go. In fact, I think less than 10 right? What can't kill me will just make me stronger, so.. Yaofang, you can do it!! =)

A letter to Laoban

Dear Mr Y,

The fact that you see me typing this letter (which of course you'll never receive) shows the extent of how much work I have. In fact, I would have typed this earlier this morning, if not for the fact that I thought it wasn't very nice to be doing this during office hours. But I've really nothing else to do anyway.

Mr Y, when you said our panel of lawyers would not bite the hand that feeds them, do you merely mean our panel lawyers would not overwork me, or ill-treat me for no reason? I'm sure you didn't think of the possibility of me not having much work, did you? Or did you mean that as well?

Perhaps I've just not been a very smart girl, for telling the truth to certain people and causing myself to end up in an even more unhappy situation. So I more than deserve my current position. Or perhaps I'm just too dumb, too careless that no one trusts me with any work?

Frankly, too much free time on my hands is just eroding my self confidence, which I must say I didn't have much in the first place. And it's making me way too whiny for my own liking. I hate disturbing others at work just because I am way too free. I hate complaining to them when I know they have their own problems too. I hate being so reliant on them. I hate being so needy. I hate being so easily upset or so easily on the verge of tears. The old me wasn't like this. In summary, I just hate the person I've become. I do not like to cry and I do not like to allow myself to cry.

Would it have been better if I had not informed you about my predicament. Somehow I sometimes think you got involved just because you didn't want me in a firm with someone you don't like. But I am not your pawn although by coming here, I've made myself one. I really hate myself for going back on my word, about not coming here for pupillage definitely. I should have stuck to my guns, but as usual, I am never firm about my stand. In the end, I just make myself end up disliking something that I thought I loved at first.

I really really hate myself for making stupid decisions, by thinking the best of a number of people, only to expose myself to greater hurt. You see, the more highly I think of someone, and then when they do prove me wrong, it hurts more. But I am just blind and easily manipulated, I guess and I truly hate myself for that. I'm not as strong, bubbly and cheerful as I force myself to be.

I really do not want to be so unhappy but at the same time I do not want to complain to you because it wouldn't be of much use. Can you tell me what to do? Please? I really want to learn something so that it'll be of some use to me.

Thank you.

Yours sincerely,

Yaofang

Spinning

"Rather than allowing myself to deteriorate into becoming super whiny, I think I should just start talking to myself"

"The things that some guys do are just sufficient to irk me"

"Different things from different people's mouth get different reactions. If you want, try being someone I don't really like and make some stupid comments about my dressing. Please do not think I'm obliged to be nice about it. Subtle politeness can go on leave sometimes too, particularly if you are weary"

"Sometimes I don't understand why you want to make me do something. Build better working relationship so that it'll be beneficial later on? Has it ever occur to you that you're just making me detest you even more?"

"I saw the 'classifieds' and I saw your name under that column. Although there were two other names, both of which do provide minor cuts, why do I feel most unhappy at seeing that particular name?"

"I really don't know. I really don't. Who's telling me the truth? And who's not? I don't want to think because the truth sometimes hurts.. a lot. But why do I feel so confused? And I can't even find the answer"

"You always sneer at us, especially me, saying that just because I've completed University, I think I'm very smart, but I just don't know but someday I will know. Of course I am not as smart as you. As if regular donations to Singapore Pools is not enough, you've actually donated $200 in a day to the NTUC club. Who else can be more brillant than you? I can't, cause I have a possible huge debt that you, of course, wouldn't and have no means to clear it for me. In fact, I think you should thank your lucky stars. Don't even have to pay for huge school fees, can enjoy certain luxury FOC, and have all the money in the world to make regular donations. On top of that, a free slave to do all your admin matters too. Frankly, you are the one who taught me how useless and undependable guys can get. Perhaps I should thank you huh?"

"Stop complaining about how tough it is to work and how it's better to retire. Everyone else has their problems, just that they don't say it. If you want to retire, fine. Don't expect me feed your regular donations, especially since your own not-low pay is not even enough for your expenditure. I absolutely cannot afford it and I can't be bothered. It'll just remind me of how you made me lie, and when I didn't, how you abused me in public. In fact, if someday some creditors appear, I might just decide to disown you so don't try it"

"As if everything is not enough, you had to bring her to what you deem good massage. And the result? Bruises here and there. And now? Not any better, in fact worse. One bruise at the spine somewhere close to the kidney. Faintness. Now more worries for me. Time to take her to what I think is better, not some run-off-the-mill, I bet cheap-skate stuff."

"Can you stop giving me more problems than I can possibly cope?"

"Everything linked to money. No wonder money is the root of all evils. Why does money cause me more tears, heartache, worries? And interestingly enough, money really can't buy my real smiles."

"That's enough whining for the day"

Would you be rather be a great person to all, or a wonderful person to some?

As I was walking along the all-so-familiar-route to a tuition kid's place (it's familiar because that's the route I take to primary school, and NOT because I've been to her place millions of times), I couldn't help thinking of the things I've read, heard about Mr S Rajaratnam over the past few days. Together with the reports and stories that were published following the deaths of Mr Ong Teng Cheong, Mr Wee Kim Wee and even Mr Devan Nair, I couldn't help but wonder, would it be better to be a great person respected by all or just a person whom a few would describe as wonderful? (In case you are wondering, the word 'wonderful' came from Dr Tommy Koh's description of Mr Rajaratnam)

On my way back, one particular electrical shop had most of its big screen TVs tuned to Channel News Asia. Interestingly enough, there was a relatively large group of people, or rather uncles, watching. Not that I think they are interested, in fact, some of them might just be watching out for lucky numbers, or to indulge in their kaypohness. Everyone else was carrying on their work as usual. The children were still running around, making loads of noises. The adults were simply looking, strolling, shopping. Everything was simply as per normal, even though the state funeral was shown on almost every single one of the screens. It didn't concern them, at least not personally, anyway.

So what if you are one of the founding fathers of the country? Or the guy who championed the idea of multi-racialism? Or the author of the well-memorised pledge? All these do not matter because at the end of the day, you are just someone whom everyone admires, respects for your achievements but these achievements have no direct impact (or rather, an impact that could be felt) at all.

Contrast these with the personal anecdotes on how these public figures touched the hearts of some by their seemingly simple gestures. Only these people would truly mourn the loss of a helpful friend, a kind benefactor or a caring relative. To the readers, or rather to me, it is these stories that truly tell me what this person is.

It is interesting how most parents tell their children to aim big and achieve something great. Weirdly enough, few seem to care as much about their children leaving an everlasting (positive.. just in case you were wondering) impact on those around. The most important part of the plane is not necessary the engines, for without the bolts and nuts to hold everything together, the plane would not be able to take off too. (Ok, I admit I kind of quoted this off some TVB drama serials... but who cares)

To me, the most important gauge of how successful a person I am is still.. the number of people who would mourn my loss (Hmm... this phrase sounds weird, but I can't figure out why) although of course I'll never know the answer, and perhaps, in a way, I'll rather live in self-delusion and not know the answer. =)

But yes, to answer the question I pose in my topic, I'll rather be a wonderful person in the eyes of only a few.

Being Frank

As you are reading this now, have you ever asked yourself how frank you are to the people around you? Or are you one of those who normally have some things to say, but these words get swallowed back in again even before being uttered, only to let those more palatable words pop up instead? But have you wondered how much the listener actually believed your words, or how much they've guessed about what you really meant?

Three people, all saying/acting as if retention wasn't that important to them. Yet, their actions and expressions betrayed their words. For example, if you really didn't care that much, would you truly have worked your guts out? Or would you be so upset about the bad reviews that you had? Or not getting back to office too awfully late? Certain things, even though you try hard to hide, still show up to the onlooker. But I'll rather choose not to comment on it, because if you do not want others to know, what's the point of me being a smart alec, right?

But of course, I am in no position to comment too. Afterall, I'm all too often guilty of such behaviour too.

********

On another totally irrelevant note, I'm so awfully sleepy/tired. It all started on Wednesday when I walked home from tuition *again*. Yesterday's research made me so sleepy, plus the fact that I couldn't find anything relevant that I simply had to cancel tuition just so that I could continue to work at home. Even so, I kept dozing and dozing off. Then this morning, I was suddenly very wide awake in the office (probably cause of the pressure I gave myself). That non-sleepiness more or less lasted till I got home after the same tuition. Makes me can't help but wonder if there's something with the IMH area. I mean, Yio Chu Kang is way further to walk back but yet I'm not that tired of the walk back from Zihui's place. Besides, it's not the first time I'm this tired after tuition in that area. In fact, it seems that I'm always half-dead by the time I return from that area. Hmm...

Sleepyhead

You know you are ultra sleepy when your friend tells you something and you reply with a "What day is today?" I didn't even notice that there was a missed call from him. Sorry sorry. Then again, you didn't reply my sms that day too, so we're quits! =p

Lunched with Chloe, Steph, Shyen Sook, Clarissa today. That made me realise the word "retention" is occupying most of my fellow peers' minds these days. Perhaps I'm just impatient, I thought I was a tad irritated when Clarissa kept asking duhz questions, like her constant question of "what's considered screwing up?". But Steph mentioned something related to another firm that pipped my curiousity (since she didn't mention names) but also made me had that split-second worry about another friend. Oh well, I'm sure I was only over-worrying and things would turn out fine.

Even though our conversation appeared to suggest otherwise, I'm quite sure Beatrice is quite worried about retention too. Sometimes, it's not so much about whether we want something badly or not, but rather, it just doesn't feel good being rejected.

Come to think of it, if only Mr Yeo didn't intervene, things might have been very different. Somehow, even though I am grateful for his help, I thought some actions were uncalled for. In a way, I do feel quite paiseh at least towards Mr Marini. I mean, that was a really nice offer and I think I would have been happy there. Though it's long over, somehow I still feel rather apologetic to this day.

Talking about work, another pupil just joined today, and he just had to be Mr SR's buddy. Oh well, who cares. I'm just glad to have volunteered to do work for Terence yesterday, though it's also the reason why I've been losing sleep since yesterday. Too long periods of no work makes my brain work slower, and somehow, I just couldn't find relevant research results. Yet, Terence was still nice about it, and I quite like the guided discussions too. Of course, that also adds to the pressure since I just have this voice telling me repeatedly that I must do a good job because it's work from Terence (unlike some other people whom I don't like).

Went for a chat about something somewhere yesterday. I guess I'm still not comfortable typing about it. Can't remember who said this but sometimes clearer but not as nice results may be better than murky and possibly better results. At least there's no uncertainty for the former.

Perceptions
Was talking to an ex-schoolmate/classmate over lunch today, and the topic wandered to her view that smokers are not considered guai. All of a sudden, that phrase sounded all so familiar. Once upon a time, I was like her too. I simply did not like smokers FULLSTOP. But then, as I left the sheltered world of school, started doing temp jobs, studied at TMC etc, somewhere somehow, the fullstop became qualified.

You see, along the way, I made good friends, big brothers who do smoke. And whilst I was mixing with them, it never occurred to me to stay away just because they were smokers. Friends, especially those whom you trust and can rely on, are so rare.. that it is simply not worth it to categorise people according to the fixed, sheltered mindset. And that is how big brothers like Alvin, Darmaji (I don't think Itak smokes, though I can't really remember) remain people I look up to till now, and I'm sure it will continue to be so many years down the road.

Of course, all these are qualified, simply because there is still a threshold. Basically, I do not mind them being smokers because they do not blow the smoke on my face, or maybe, it's because they are my friends. (Don't ask me which one comes first though, cause I don't know)

But the main point I'm driving at is that, people's perceptions do change with time, so what we think of as absolute now may not necessary be so in a few years, months or even days time. Don't ask me whether it has something to do with people mellowing with age though, cause I don't know, and I do not want to believe so. =)

********

On my way back this evening, I bumped into Sherwin and his mum on the train. Somehow, meeting Sherwin on the train today just brightens up the evening. Just now, my mum was commenting that there must have been some words going around the office, otherwise, I wouldn't be asked by so many people whether I am THAT scholar. The point is, sometimes, the truth may not be what you want to know. So what if I know that they have been talking about me? Would the knowledge make me happier? I seriously doubt so. In fact, given their high interest in asking me that question, I do not think that any talk about me would be THAT positive, so why should I know and make myself unhappy right? Right now, I'll just be happy being "ignorant", asking the LAs for work, and just basically learning as much as I can and not be bothered by others' perceptions. Afterall, what others think can't hurt me that much if I choose not to let them do so, right? =)

PS: Despite my resolution to do something in one of my earlier entries, I still can't help but type this, even if the person it's meant for does not read this. Afterall, I'm sure one of his best friend still reads this and I can always trust that you will remind him. Anyway, I'm not sure if this ex-classmate of mine still has this bad habit of NOT changing contact lenses even after one month is up, but in lieu of the recent news surrounding contact lenses and contact lenses solution, for goodness sake, CHANGE YOUR CONTACT LENSES MORE FREQUENTLY!

Does negative reading really bode ill?

There's this website that sends me weekly predictions for the week, and lately, the readings seem to be getting from bad to worse. Not that I religiously believe in them, but from the events of the past few months, I just can't help thinking that they are more or less accurate.

This week's reading doesn't sound super favourable too.. I still hope it's not that accurate.. Dons said I'm wishy-washy when we were talking about a certain scholarship. I can't help but agree, but I'm getting even more scared of making decisions.

On another note, I can't stand certain tuition kid's parent. I replied her sms this morning when I came in and I've already had 3 smses and 1 phone call from her. She's going to drive me nuts. But.. tuition is still a necessity, so I'll just have to grit my teeth and bear with it.

The best way to destress

Clarissa asked quite a number of times this week, what the best way to destress is. Apparently, she thought she badly needed to destress, but needed suggestions as to what was the best method. Can't exactly remember how I answered her, but I knew it had something to do with talking to people you feel comfortable with.. Friends that you trust.

Throughout the whole of this week, there was quite a bit of pent up emotions. It wasn't really the kind where one badly had to let out, but it just didn't feel that good. Then this evening, one friend called to go for dinner, or rather, for Japanese food. That would be my third time having Japanese food in a week, but somehow, it turned out to be the most enjoyable (and obviously least painful) Japanese meal for this week.

What started off as merely to keep that friend company for dinner ended up being my best destressor for the week. It's weird that one would say certain things only to a particular group of people, or even if certain things were said to many different groups of people, only by chatting with a particular group that the "burden" gets lifted. Not sure if this makes sense, but that was what I realised on my bus ride home.

Certain friends really do command more importance than others. I made some people do the negative version of the Johari test and there were certain description that I thought would be relevant only to those less close ones. Am I really that cold? I don't think so. In fact, I thought at least one would use the description "needy" on me instead, especially since I think I can be very over reliant, especially lately.

Still, it was relaxing to be out this evening, especially with the breeze, even if someone had to scare me with some saying. I love breezes and winds, especially when they blow against my face. It just has that very soothing effect that calms and seems to say, "it's ok". Besides, with the friend beside me, any over scary stories wouldn't be that bad since I know I'll be safe. =) It's just like how I know I'll always be safe when I'm out with certain friends, even if it means engaging in certain activities that can possibly get me injured, cause they'll be watching out for me.

Hmm.. that particular friend of mine will be having an interview this week. That's a really good and hard-to-get opportunity, so of course I really do hope he gets to do what he wants to. But, I'll definitely miss having a close friend staying relatively nearby (though his place is ulu whereas mine isn't.. hee) and whom I feel comfortable talking to, and can laugh easily with.

PS: I just have to add this extra comment.. The picture below does NOT at all look like some tofu massacre! Some idiot just had to label this as my tofu massacre on his blog huh? It's not, it's not, it's NOT!!! Grrr...

25/02/2006: Decided to remove a certain website link I had here. I do not want, and do not need unsolicited opinions from idiots. If you do not fit the description of my friend, or a welcomed friend of my friend, then basically yes, I AM referring to you.

I am...

An irresponsible and childish spoilt brat.

That basically sums up my thoughts for my actions and thoughts for the day.

The human race

Two murders in a space of two days. And a murder weapon found relatively nearby. No, that shouldn't be the main cause of alarm. Rather the cold-bloodedness of both makes them even more scary. One, shooting not one, but five (or was it six?) shots at point blank. The other, husband killing pregnant wife, even though they had two young kids.

What is the world coming to?

Couldn't help but recall a comment that I had on a friend's blog, that emotions are what make people unique. But are emotions really that good or imporant? From the looks of these news, it really doesn't seem so. Otherwise, why on earth would that husband kill his wife, and the unborn child? And cause his two young daughters to become orphans at such a young age (that is on the assumption that he'll be charged and convicted of murder, of course)? Was he truly thinking at that point in time? Or did emotions get the better of him?

The ability to feel is such a funny creature. Met up with a friend earlier and she updated me on some personal matters. There are many extreme forms of emotions that can be cured just by a simple act. Yet, such act though simple, may still take years before they surface. Of course, it's always better late than never and I'm relatively glad for her.

For the way too observant people, yes, I would realise that you've noticed the word "relatively".

It's not that I'm not really happy for her, but rather, as I've mentioned earlier this evening, it has more of my numbness lately. Have you ever had the situation where your brain tells you, "yahz, that's a cause of happiness/sadness" but you just can't feel anything? To the point that you sometimes wonder if you would feel any pain even if you prick yourself with a tiny needle? It's just like the other day when I said I experienced this weird feeling. Under normal circumstances (I mean in the past), I can imagine myself feeling unhappy. But that day, it didn't feel anything, well, other than the weird feeling where my brain was saying that I'm not too happy, but I just couldn't feel it.

That reminds me of another recent incident although it has nothing to do with numbness. Somehow though, I don't know whether it is good news or not. On one hand, I should be awfully glad that at least one part of me is still behaving like the old me. But on the other, I think this characteristic is definitely not something to be proud of. In any case, I am still very scared of people being over grateful, I guess. Come to think of it, I really do regret doing that delivery. It was so much of a case of spontaneous actions without using my brains to think. I should have anticipated the (in my humble opinion) over grateful reaction, that would in turn bring about my "reflex" reaction of retreating and then the wanting to avoid the person as much as I can help it syndrome. Yes, even more than when I think I've confided a bit way too much to that person.

Oh well, that's the ability to feel coming into play again. Afterall, scared/wary are also emotions, right? No wonder people like Gary, Guoxing and Honghui said that I was complex. Incidentally, I thought that "test" was interesting more because it showed how much those who took the test know me. For some weird (at least in some people's eyes) reasons, I'm actually happier to see the "negative" traits being chosen rather than the positive ones. Mainly because it's only those who know me better or at least care to observe me closer who will notice the less ideal traits and dare to say it too, for that matter. For the same reasons perhaps, I would not ask some people to do that test at all, for fear of seeing all the positively wonderful (and not to mention, fake) traits and then feeling hurt at the results.

Haha.. people do not deem me as complex for no good reason huh? =)

25/02/2006: Once again, I repeat, I've left out a certain link that was here initially to ward off unwanted pests.

Did I really change that much?

Just couldn't help but ask that question. Wanqing, Yang and I met up with Peng Fong for lunch, and when I emailed him thereafter, he made some comment about almost being unable to recognise me.

In any case, lunch was still great. If only Peng Fong was much more senior, then he could have been a pupil master, and I would be super grateful for the chance to be his pupil. At least, he is more approachable, and is better at mentoring. In fact, in some ways, I prefer his way of analysing a matter, whether work related or not. He may not be even a salaried partner (this is of course targetted at some stupid guy who enjoys harping on the fact that his partner is merely a salaried partner whereas mine is an equity partner... Seriously, my answer to that is "so?") but he is an excellent teacher, listener and friend all rolled into one. Where else can you get a better pupil master, right?

Somehow, I really do regret asking VY for help for the pupillage move. R---- may be a good firm, but at the end of the day, if I'm not learning and I feel extra and on some days, terribly depressed, what's the point? Just like, when I was deciding whether to help Beatrice check something in the library, I took a long while to make up my mind to go downstairs, simply because the library is in the Litigation department and I didn't want to run into my pupil master (whom I'm sure saw me today, though I quickly scampered away from view). But then again, I avoid RE like plague too! Today, V "reconfirmed" that I was "the one from NTUC", which reinforced the point that I'm the outsider there. It feels super weird and I really do feel helplessly extra. But there's nothing I can do other than thicken my skin and continue to sit there. Maybe that's why I'll rather ask for work from LAs (even if it's Eugene). At least I don't feel weird. And as what I told Weiguang today, this situation just makes me prone to becoming depressed. Somedays, I just can't tell whether it's just because I'm churning way too lousy pieces of work that no one gives me anything. (But I haven't even started doing work for any of them here yet!)

Thankfully, there's always Kiat Wee around. I was that bored to send him an email asking if he had any work for me. He appeared over this side to pass me something to do and it's not even the kind of work that seemed like it was to 敷衍 me. Thanks to people like Kiat Wee, Ben, and some others, work or rather being thick skinned is not as dreadful. In a way, I'm glad I did attachment whilst they were pupils, so at least, things feel a lot better =)