Strained? Drained?

National Day today. Somehow, this feels like the worse National Day ever.

Was volunteered for the National Day observance ceremony yesterday. Midway, a particular Tamil song brought back memories of the Cebu trip. How we spent hours in the guys room deciding on the multi-language songs and how we practised. How none of us knew an entire Malay song and so ended up singing our school song instead.

Yes, and Meisi was a part of those memories too.

How many people can be part of a celebration, but end up trying hard to hold back tears? Silly me did, and my tears really threatened to flow, even after the whole thing ended.

And later the evening, I got home early, hoping to catch up on my rest since tuition was cancelled. I didn't, cause I was greeted by the news that grandpa fell and was warded. So off I went to NUH. You know, for 23++ years, wai gong has never told me about life in the past. Yesterday was the first time he talked so much.

Think the drain-ness was evident when I just fell asleep on the couch and didn't want to get up at all..

And then, just now, dad smsed me to say that grandfather is in a critical condition in ICU..

If there is a almighty being out there who can control our destiny, can you please not take anyone who means something to me away from me? Please? At most, if you don't, I promise to be a good girl and not quit? I don't mind being stuck in a work place that I dislike, or get any trashy stuff from any of those bitches in exchange for you protecting everyone who means something to me. Can? Please?

Taking things for granted

Visited Meisi this evening. Think I'm just dumb to be really dumbfounded when Meisi's mum asked me to just talk to Meisi. Maybe I think too much about not wanting to say inappropriate stuff. Maybe I'm just not used to talking. Whatever the case, I just kept quiet most of the time, as usual.

All of us do take things for granted. How many of us actually think about what would happen if things change suddenly. Just a little while ago, I suddenly thought of the last dinner I had with Meisi when I got her to be my character witness, to sign my form F for my call. At that time, both of us were looking towards the future. Meisi talked about how another hospital was inviting her to join them. We were talking about pay, increment and working environment as a whole. How she enjoyed working at Gleneagles. Then, the next time we met so that she could sign another 2 copies, she was home late after an operation. Even at 10.30pm or so, bleary-eyed, she still came down and we chatted once again about jobs and how enthusiastic she was, as usual, about the details of work.

Who would expect the matters that were to come?

Looking at her lying in bed today, I really miss the Meisi who used to take the same bus to and fro RGS. How we could talk non-stop for entire bus journeys etc, even if we hadn't seen each other for a long time.

I don't know if she really did recognise me today. But when I saw her eyes following the sunflower plush I bought after I mentioned it to her, it just felt good. And when I touched her hands, I could feel her grasping my hand, even if it were not a firm grip, but just a really weak one. But that was already sufficient for me to feel glad.

Still, being the horrible person that I am, I'm still not able to exercise my brain and open my golden mouth. Actually, there are a lot of things that I would want to say.. things like, "Meisi, you can do it! You'll come out of all these even stronger" or "You know, I'm really glad to have you throughout my growing up years.. 16 out of 24 years.." Basically, the Yaofang just doesn't know how to say anything that shows her emotions... Horrible right?

Perhaps it sounds silly, but I'll still gladly go to the temple more often during lunch hours, take more vegetarian food or any silly actions that might help, so long as you'll get well... Know why? Cause you'll always be my friend.. Just like how we used to write the cliche and goosebumps inducing phrase 'Forever Friends'....

Trust and Truth

What is it that makes one person confide in another? Trust? So how do we figure out whether we trust this person or not?

There's no way one can come up with the perfect checklist of what makes a person trust another, or not for that matter. It's just like how my other 19 colleagues and I survived through our team excellence training last Thursday and Friday too.

It's interesting or perhaps weird how you can not really know a person but you could still allow yourself to trust that person. At least I did, and hopefully, my gut feel will not be wrong. I can't explain why I would choose to get Chee Min's opinion when I don't know him at all. In any case, being sleep deprived today was kind of worth it, since whatever Chee Min said (or rather typed) proved to be useful catalyst to help me decide what I wanted to do. Chee Min, thanks very much for your 2 cents worth!

On the same note too, THANKS GARY!!!! Some of the stuff you said were more than over sufficient to make me super touched. I don't think I would need your offer, but you know what? YOU'RE GREAT!!!! (hahaha... don't cringe!!)

Still on the same topic, I don't understand why I can deem someone as one of my most important friends, yet at the same time, not trust him sufficiently to tell him what's going through my mind now. Perhaps it's just the shadow left behind from all your 'cold water' in JC? Or rather, more accurately I think, it's just that we're a bit like strangers now, so much so that I don't know how to whine to you already. But, I really don't mind turning back time for just a day, just to experience the bus rides and the chats we had both on the bus and at the bus stops once again. I'm beginning to miss that friendship forged in JC again....

You know you've grown older when...

you flip the papers and see the secondary school seniors you've more or less lost touch with.

Still, it feels good to see Yiting's photo in the papers especially since I've no idea how she's been ever since Channel U (at least the Channel U that I preferred) ceased. And the best part was, there was MingRong's face in the papers too..

Familiar and comforting faces... A good way to start the day