ReVeRiEz on PaNiC AtTaCk!

This IS bad.. My severe panic attack strikes again and I simply can't calm myself down. I can even feel my heart racing at unknown heartbeats per second, and the panic is just making it difficult to concentrate.. What's wrong with me?
Somehow, MSN is both a boon and a bane.. Good in the sense that it provides some form of distraction when I need a break from absorbing, and chatting with some calms be down.. Yet, on the other hand, the speed at how most people seem to be progressing is severely stressing me out, I think..
I'll be fine.. I'll be fine... I'll be fine... ermz.. right?

ReVeRiEz on A CoLd TuEsDaY

It's a bit hard not to notice that the rainy season is here again. Funny, has it been a while since it rained so hard during the rainy season? These few days, I seem to have the uncanny feeling that I've felt this before many many years ago, yet, that sense of familarity, I simply couldn't grasp why. It was just a feeling of coolness with a tinge of helplessness and deja vu... and I can't even put my finger to when I last felt this.. It's just... a long while ago, I think..

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The weather is so cold today, I really didn't want to get up. This is really bad, considering that the exams start next Monday and I'm no where finishing my revision for my first paper. Has my attention span got so much worse? Or have I always been like that? To make matters worse, my panic attacks have started popping up, and I can't study when I'm panicking... gosh.. Anyone wants to suggest anywhere for me to study in? (Weiguang's idea of studying in the Science library is so not practical.. I'll feel so out of place there!!! But truly, I think a change of environment to study in would do me a bit of good.. I think)
How how how?? Would I survive PLC at all????? Argh....

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Updated: To Daniel's suggestion that I cane myself when I don't study.. NOT BAD!! But I'll look like a badly abused kid at the end of my exams... and who's fault is that? =p
Further updated: This is really boliaoz.. but..

DaNtAw says:u study hard ah.. and i will reward u a sweet next time..
ReVeRiEzz "I'm COLD!!! Brrrr..." says: i want a CUTE sweet, can?
DaNtAw says: of course!!

Haha... Daniel owes me a CUTE sweet now.. haha.. =) Somehow, I think Daniel regrets this already.. Haha

ReVeRiEz on TiMe

I must be a nocturnal animal in a human shell.. Somehow, I just don't seem to study well in the day. Anyway, was clearing my 'My Received Files' folder, and chanced upon some photos that I haven't seen in a long long while

That was VSA camp 2003, the first time that we (ie. me, Qi and GK) participated in the camp. I started off being highly apprehensive.. me? looking after the disabled? But things wasn't as bad as I thought. In fact, my group was one of the easiest to handle.. The most well behaved. And the volunteers from that camp seemed to be closer, at least in my opinion.

And then, VSA camp 2004 came and went. Vicknesh had school and so, the rather lousy camp coordinates switched my group approximately 2.5 hours before we were supposed to turn up. Somehow, June ought be quite rather honoured.. My memories of the camp was mainly me and Weishi shouting at her for god knows how long.. or Qi Guang for that matter, for his lack of manners to those who were nicer to him (ie. Roy) Over-protective of my fellow group volunteer? or just plainly more bad-tempered? I don't know. But the camp did made me lose utter respect for some supposedly in authority figure, I suppose..

Thanks to the 2003 camp, some of us volunteers remained in touch. Though we started off having absolutely nothing to say at our birthday gatherings.. I guess it's better now, as compared to Daniel's 1st birthday celebration, though I wonder why we're always meeting up for someone's birthday. Luckily, our birthdays are at least spread-out a little, so we still get to meet at different times in the year (though I realised.. aside from Gary whose birthday is in January, none of us have birthdays in the first half of the year.. Daniel's birthday is also much closer to the second half of the year too)

This year's VSA camp, I doubt any of us would be taking part. Wonder how the camp would be like this year, and whether Benson is going again.. In any case, even though these camps and other voluntary stuff may have been tedious, it's all part of my growing up. (Can't help but be reminded of Yunxiang and Shixiang.. wonder how they are now.. )

Just like tuition. Last year, it was Karen. This year, Darryl's graduating (or rather, he's finished his O levels by now). Didn't exactly get a chance to get anything for Darryl, since his mum cancelled the last tuition (which also means I've to sms her for my pay.. something which I dislike doing) Four years already, time flies doesn't it?

This time next year.. What would I be doing? What would I be thinking about?

One thing for sure... I'll still be in the process of growing up.. and getting more reticient (however it's spelt) .. and perhaps in Calvin's words.. mysterious (am I? hahahah....)

Disclaimer (it's been a long while since I've resorted to this huh?): In case you are wondering why these posts sound sian, yah lahz.. I admit I'm feeling gloomy and perhaps a tad irritable lately.. and my various means of external stimulus can only get me chirpier for a short while.. I'll be fine in a short while.. I'm sure =)

Updated on 22nd Nov: Just for the sake of completeness, according to my highly reliable source(aka Gary) there won't be any need for volunteers this year. Ah well.. who cares?

ReVeRiEz on On-ThE-JoB TrAiNiNg

A bit tired of studying (okiez.. I agree I'm permanently tired of studying, but that's not the point).. Anyway, as I was saying.. I'm just way too sianz of doing notes (at least that was what I did the whole of yesterday, well almost) so I shall slack a little while more.

Just got back from on-the-job training.. It's been a long while since I could feel for people, I think, yet somehow, today's short little OTJ just made me feel more human, less cold. It's been a long long time since I've done any volunteer work, even the last VSA camp was almost a year ago. But VSA camp, with all the scoldings (aimed at some uncooperative campers) and being pissed off (esp by the lousy-at least-in-my-humble-opinion social worker) didn't help me find the compassion that I once had..

Must be the lack of rest and the do-i-have-a-home syndrome acting up again. Else, how could I actually feel for others?

Photos from Last Edu-dine!

Since Clarissa has just sent me the photos, I thought I would just upload them.

With Beatrice

With Clarissa

ReVeRiEz on My pErFeCt FrIeNdS

Even if I do not have a very decent family atmosphere, I still think I'm one of the luckiest persons on earth.. You know why?

Cause I have the MOST perfect friends in the world!

And you know what?

I LOVE my friends!

Even if I have to power to change, I'll never want to be someone else, even if it means I would shed less tears in a place where most people feel safe in. Simply because, I feel like the luckiest person on earth to have these people as my friends. Where else can you find friends who allow you to be the brattiest (of there's such a word) of brats all the time?

* * * * * * * *

Calvin, thanks for borrowing 7.2kg worth of books and lugging them all the way to my lift door! You know, even my dad wouldn't do that for me.. In fact I'll be thankful if I'm not the one who's supposed to carry those heavy stuff instead.. And you could have gone home directly too, then you wouldn't have to walk in the rain when you had your laptop with you.. I mean, lugging those books cannot be more important as compared to you not falling sick during exams (touch wood) and protecting your laptop.. 谢谢!

On the same note, Koon, thanks for obliging me with those books, and all the way to Chinatown too. Chinatown Point is not far from subordinate courts, and it's awfully near if you were to compare Chinatown to NUS, Chinatown to Yishun or Chinatown to Town area. You know, even though the 'Gan ma' label has stuck on since JC, you've always behaved so much more like a Da Ge that I've always wished I had, catering to all my unreasonable behaviour and taking them with a pinch of salt, to the point that... I think you're one of the causes of me being a brat lohz.. *points finger at you* But seriously, by the looks of it, I think I'll never be able to finish paying off all the 人情债 I owe you by the end of this lifetime lohz... so you have to think twice about being nice, or you better start demanding favours from me yahz?

okok.. these two paragraphs look weird here.. but, I doubt I'll say such things in real life.. weird lahz... anyway, I think I need to stop, else my eyes will start brimming with tears.. disgustingly over-emotional, I must agree.. How else would Jini once comment that I'm not cut out for law? haha..

ReVeRiEz oN iT'S tHe CoMpAnY yOu HaVe tHaT mAtTeRs

Really couldn't help but be reminded of a particular scene some TCS drama 7 years ago where Ann Kok's character made a really apt statement about how one's company mattered more than the surrounding circumstances.

So often, each of us can have different reaction to the same thing done by a different person.. Just as being in the company of different people invoke different reactions.

Met up with Alicia and Itak today. Not that we did much different either... just food and walking around.. and there were periods of silences too. But unlike in many other occasions, silence did not equate with awkwardness. It was just a feeling of comfortable silence and that's it.

Interestingly, I realised that it wasn't too difficult disclosing more matters than what I normally would too. Don't know why, but at that moment, I couldn't help but compare how different it was with another supposedly close friend. Itak da ge was simply very much like a da ge I could trust.. and I could just speak my mind freely and matter-of-factly, without worrying that whatever I had uttered would turn into a weapon used to hurt me later on.

Really couldn't help but recall what popped into my mind again not too long ago. It seems that as time flies pass, the friends that I treasure most are still those I've met before Uni.. (okiez.. with the exception of a really small tiny minority) They're the ones who can still brighten my day just by their presence even on the gloomiest days. They're the ones who I would be willing to do anything for, just as many of them have become my pillars of support over the years. And I'll always be indebted to them, for providing their rays of sunshine..