Questions...

Do I have what it takes to be a mentor? After signing up for it, but before I actually turn up for the interview, I'm beginning to doubt myself. Couldn't really connect that well with Nurul and Iffah the last time.. Now that I'm even more irresponsible, should I even attempt to be a mentor?

Got an email regarding pupillage directory being released later.. Which brings to mind whether I should apply for pupillage on my own, or through Income? Feel like working outside for 2 years before I enter Income, but do I have what it takes? Or would Income allow it? Or should I not even go for pupillage? Ann said I should apply through Income, like what my predecessors aka she and Beng Chai (wonder who he is..) did.. But, that would mean I would have to enter Income almost immediately, right? Of course, like what Ann said, no firms would want to take us in for pupillage if we aren't going to stay on after that.. And I can't possibly not tell them about my bond too, right? At the same time, I don't think I'm good enough, so should I apply for pupillage at all?

Which brings to mind what I sms-ed some people months ago.. Somehow, I don't think I have any strengths at all.. What am I good at? What jobs am I more suited for? Why is it that I'm still so lost? Hmm...

Attachment

Yesterday was my last day at work. Come to think of it, I think I'm really one of the weirdos who get work withdrawal symptoms.. okiez, at least this time round, it wasn't as severe as last year when I stopped teaching.. just a slight cannot-help-but-think-about-what's-going-on-at-this-time habit, which I'll outgrow quickly..

Interestingly, I actually managed to feel comfortable within the first week, a super rare occurence considering that my shy and self conscious nature would normally prevent me from truly interacting with strangers until a long long time..

Looking back, can still remember the very first day when I was super super early.. and had to sms Nelson, Koon, Vicknesh in order not to rot even before I started work.. Frankly, 2nd level really seems like a ghost town at 8.30 in the morning.. Then Evin came, saw me, and let me in.. That was the day when she didn't bring her keys and I was left seated at Annie's seat till much later..

Come to think of it, my greatest impression wasn't that much of what I learnt, but more of the interactions with my colleagues. Granted, I did learn some stuff, but on the whole, it doesn't feel much different from working at Income, other than the more comfy feeling..

Interestingly, this time round, I wasn't that easily swayed by others' opinions. Normally, when I am told some bad points about another person, I would treat that person with caution. Yet, this time, I still managed to maintain a neutral stand. It's interesting that some of my colleagues have a mutual dislike for each other, yet, I would not have noticed if I wasn't exactly told. Frankly, I find them all quite ok.. I mean, each one of us have our own way of reacting to a situation.. As long as each side just gives in a little, it's really much fun to work with each other.. Well, then again, I'm not that tolerant either.. Somehow towards the end, rifts began to surface and I began to feel frustrated too...

Hmm... but overall, I still enjoyed working with Evin, Adrian, Annie and Raji... Really...

Wonder what the next attachment would be like..

Thanking my lucky stars

Can't exactly remember clearly what I was told, but it was something along the lines of me being lucky to have such wonderful friends.

Indeed.

Fallen umpteen times. Yet, throughout life's race, I've been pulled along by more than a few hands. Somehow though, I seem to be such a brat, taking these helping hands for granted, and never voicing my true gratitude for the naggings, but instead, just brushing them off..

Actually, I really do love these naggings.. Ok, not in the sense that I love being nagged at for the sake of it.. but more of the fact that, it really feels good to have the feeling that someone else cares enough to nag.. Just that, I guess sometimes I'm just uncomfortable showing my gratitude.. and so, attempt to cover it up by being bochap.. But I do remember them...

Tingting, Derrick, Jo, Gary, Calvin, Alvin, Janet, Guoxing, JianPing.. Thanks for your words of comfort today, when I simply felt super down and lost.. Yet, at the same time, I realised the responses that I got wasn't what I had actually expected..

In any case, don't worry, I'm fine. Just as I get upset in a split second, I recover equally fast too..

In a way, despite all my mean-ess.. I'm quite thankful to have Adrian around too.. All the brainless chatting helped drive away the gloom more quickly too.. Hey, thanks a lot!

Incoherence

Hate that idiotic gal.. the cause of me feeling super frustrated.. and now, I'm thinking of not extending my attachment.. think I need a break from all this...

Realised I'm more and more irresponsible.. but at the same time, have the 'can't-be-bothered' attitude. Got a supposed harsh email from a social worker when I emailed her to tell her I cannot make it for the training after all.. yet, I just feel too tired to feel anything.. in the first place, if they had been more efficient, then things might have turned out different, right? Had to turn away quite a number of volunteers? I wonder if that's so true.. in any case, I realised that I won't be doing much voluntary work in the near future..

i guess i've learnt that doing good deeds/ being nice simply doesn't bring about better rewards.. instead, you could just get yourself into some unfair situation..

realised i've changed a lot... changed for a worse me... i guess it's through the things i see and experience, that made me more and more emotionless.. when i was younger, it was merely the fact that there wasn't anything that i truly particularly like.. then it progressed to the point where i am finally able to be more detached...

someday, hopefully, i'll attain the level of a robot.. Hmm...

*few minutes later*
read my nus email add, and realised another gal i can't stand has just sent an email that i know has something to do with me.. just feel super tired.. can't expect me to call people in the midst of the night, right? if yours truly is free enough to give me missed calls, and send me sms to call you back, perhaps you could call someone else and let the person pass on the message? I have a life too, you know?

i need a break.. i need a break... I NEED A BREAK AWAY FROM EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snippets of my day

Perhaps like what a senior said, albeit a slightly modified version, as long as you can find something that nice in the things you do, everything else would not seem as bad. At that time, and many occasions after that, I found his words interesting, but non-workable, yet, come to think of it, can be quite true in a broader sense too.

Ever started off the day with you dreading it, but because there was a perk at the end of it, you keep on soldiering on.

The day started off less than nicely. When I left the place, there was still a person cursing and grumbling for no reason. Somehow, hate to hear myself being cursed early in the morning. Thankfully I was in a rush, and just left..

As the day progressed, my cough turned from bad to worse. At one point, I really thought I could taste blood. But of course, still had to 'tahan' the cough and survive through the day. After all, it doesn't make much sense to take the day off, right? And it'll mean coming home to see someone mumbling etc. Which meant that it made more sense to stay at work..

Thankfully, Ann called. Asked her yesterday if she wanted to have lunch together. Didn't expect her to agree to today. Quite fun to talk to her. Somehow, you never really know the true face of a person until you get to deal with the person one to one.. I guess..

Somehow, I still think my likes and dislikes are still evident on my face, and the actons I do. There's this girl whom gradually disliking, just couldn't be bothered to answer her some of her questions.

Oh, and the best part was of course, after office hours. Not because I get to skip tuition, but more of cause I got to see friends whom I've not seen for a long long long time.. So even if my colleagues think i'm not in my right mind to see this person but should go home instead, who cares? Afterall, sort of feel much more cheerful-er now..

Real age vs Behaviour

As I was walking home from the MRT station today, a thought just crossed my mind.

This afternoon, someone voiced his disbelief that I am 21+ this year, reason being that I do not have the 21 year old air around me.

Yet, just not long ago, someone else said I'm more matured than others my age.

So, which is it? a big kid? or a overaged youth?

Interestingly, this actually made me realise that my behaviour is such a blatant depiction of the subconcious me, the one that loves to be doted upon yet at the same time wary enough to protect oneself.

Why do I say that?

The ones whom I behave like a kid to.. Almost all of them are older than me, and do behave in such a way that I deem them as older brothers.. People whom I feel comfortable trusting.. and in front of them, I'm actually the true-est of myself, the big kid that I longed to be, but that I couldn't really show..

On the other hand, I only act more matured on occasions where I don't get to be a little kid either because of the environment.. or the people..

Inverse Proportionality

Just in case anyone is interested, here's my less than ideal grades.

LLA4024 AVIATION LAW & POLICY C
LLA4088 BUSINESS & FINANCE FOR LAWYERS B
LLA4100 TOPICS IN COPYRIGHT & DESIGNS C
LLB4069 LAW OF INSURANCE B

Somehow, this is the best I've ever done in my 3 years in law school, yet, I don't feel one bit happy. Firstly, I've always thought my business & finance was good enough for an A, yet I didn't get it.. neither did my aviation get the B i so wanted, after all my preparation for Warsaw and Montreal 1999 Convention. Of course, I do deserve the C that I got for Designs Law.. In fact, I think George Wei is super nice to have given me a C, judging from the crap I turn out. But I guess much as I like George Wei as a tutor, perhaps it's time for me to take a break from any IP stuff..

So, why did I use this title today?

Couldn't help but notice that my studying efforts are inversely proportional to my grades. Last sem, I spent all of my time on Tax Planning and later, Evidence, yet, I ended up doing less than ideal for both. Better still, I did awfully for evidence. Yet, for my other 8 credit module, IP, I studied for 1 day (that includes the numerous lectures that I skipped) and secured a 'B'..

This time, again, my efforts were all focused on aviation, so much so that even Weiling couldn't understand why I sacrifice my 8 credit insurance just for aviation. For all the enthusiasm in that module, a 'C' grade is awfully disappointing.. but, oh well..

Couldn't help but notice how this applies to many other aspects in real life too. Being extra nice to others doesn't guarantee that you would get the same type of treatment too.. Often, we tend to take for granted, those who are so much nicer to us, so much so that we end up offering shoddy treatment..

Perhaps secondary schools in Singapore should focus more on inverse functions instead of direct functions... hmm..

Which is more important? A nice superior or easy to get along colleagues?

Ann's farewell lunch a few weeks ago somehow made me realise that working at Income legal might not be as bad afterall.

After having worked in various places, it suddenly dawned upon me that bosses are one of the most important aspect in ensuring a happier working environment. No doubt, of course, that one needs to be able to work with colleagues, but even if you are super close to your colleagues, your superiors are still the ones who can make or break one's day. Besides, what you see may not be what you get either. Close colleauges may not be as nice as they seem either.

Don't worry, I am not trying to imply anything, or trying to complain about someone who is testing my tolerance limit now. Just that my hotmail inbox drove home the point suddenly.

Received email from Rodyk. Will be starting attachment there on 31st May. For this, I must seriously thank Vincent. I merely emailed Mr Yeo a few minutes before he was due to knock off, and by the next morning, he had already secured an attachment for me. Felt really really thankful..

Of course, with that, the stress that I must perform up to standard so as not to embarass Mr Yeo began to sink in. Considering how dumb and blank-mind-ness I've been lately, it's time I get more sleep just to revive my almost dead brain cells.

For one thing, this episode just made me realise that working in Income is not that bad afterall. No matter how much I can't stand that irritating Mdm Han, Flora etc.. having a wonderful superior like Mr Yeo more than makes up for the not-so-nice working environment and bad job prospects. Perhaps that's one crucial deciding factor as to whether I'll stay on in Income..

Consciousness vs Subconsciousness

Saw this on a friend's blog, something thought provoking, yet at the same time, I couldn't really comprehend.

"Clear your mind. Think about the person. Then think about one good thing that the person has done for you. At this point in time what is the very first thing that comes to mind? Be honest. Then think about one bad thing that the person has done to you. Again what is the very first feeling, impression or word that surfaces?

In both instances, if you are truly honest, it should be something similiar. Because you can really only feel one thing about a person at a time subconsciously."
(my apologies to Gary for infringing his copyright in the work.. by the way, Gary, if you are reading this, perhaps you could enlighten me on what something similar means?)

Perhaps it's just cause I lack the ability to feel, somehow, for most people I know, I can only think about either one good thing, or one bad thing... but not both. Better still, for others, I couldn't even come up with anything!

Interestingly too, for the real handful whom I could come up with a good and a bad.. the things are not exactly similar either.. and it couldn't be my consciousness coming into play either.. esp since both thoughts just popped up immediately..

Even more interesting.. this test seems more apt for figuring out which of the people around you mean more to you.. Somehow, it does say something when certain names just pop up immediately as you read through.. at least one name did..

Coincidentally, read that after I had a dream the night before. Was hit upon the realisation that that certain person had joined a cult, which accounted for the person being a totally different one from what I knew. And the feeling of a close friend lost hurt.. Can still vividly remember myself crying and crying in the dream..

Weird dream isn't it? Do hope that this is not a sign of a greater deterioration of a once close friendship. The last time I had an equal weird dream about the same friend, almost immediately after, we became drastically less close..

Time to keep my fingers crossed on this.. and also for my exam results..

Growing up

What does growing up mean?

That one's temperament has toned down? That the surrounding changes occur so fast that one can hardly be surprised? That a person starts to conform even more?

Perhaps that's why Mr Ling comes across as a really calm, nice-person figure...

So, have I grown up?

Judging from some of my previous entries, I'm still capable of my extremist temperament.. Awfully upset over what I think is unfair and absolutely happy over some really minor things.

When someone irritated me at work yesterday, was quite surprised that i didn't even boil inside.. could even continue to give frozen smiles to everyone, even though i'm no longer as truly cheery.. yet, i'm sure none could have noticed the difference either..

Hypocrite.. what an apt description that Gary used..

Throughout life, almost everyone has shown a different side of themselves to others.. not necessary to conform, but sometimes, to build up a fortress to protect the vulnerable us.. when the going gets tiring, we just break down in front of a small selected group..

wonder which is worse.. crumbling under pressure? or being extreme and subjected to being hurt?

Interestingly, Potato and I touched upon this topic whilst chatting sometime last week..

Perhaps I did grow up too quickly in the past, such that I don't seem to grow up now, when everyone else seems to be. Perhaps I'm just trying to reverse my growth.. Or better still, did anyone actually think that perhaps I just like the feeling of being younger, and being at the receiving end of the care and concern? Hmm...

Unexpected Responses

Guess I surprised a few people with a number of my previous entries.. Frankly, when I inserted this website in my icq details, I never thought anyone would actually notice.

Many things in life are just there, it merely depends on whether we choose to see it or not. Interestingly, some book I read this week had a part about humans not seeing supernatural things because they chose not to see it. Not that there's total truth to it, but somehow it brings to mind that humans often exercise their rights to pretend that something is non-existence. Or perhaps life is too fast pace for us to take our time to see and feel..

Nevertheless, people really do have different perceptions. A person whose husband, the sole breadwinner of the family, had just died whilst trying to save others. This woman now has to come out to work to support her 2 young children. Who would have thought that she would actually step forward to stop funds from flowing in, and to remind the public that there are others who need the money as well?

It's always so easy to say that this is what is correct. Yet, for all we know, once we are in her shoes, few of us would be able to muster that courage. Imagine. Two kids in primary school. As a mum, she would have wanted to the best for her kids. All the donations would have ensured that they would not have to suffer. Yet, after having agreed to halt the search for her husband in view of others safety, she is now doing something else that most of us would be incapable of doing.

Perhaps, like what WenHong and YanQing said, living a simple life is still the best of all.

True selfless-ness is when you readily give up something that will have a large detrimental effect on you. A level that I've not attained, and doubt I'll ever will.

In this respect, I salute Mr and Mrs Heng for their absolute selfless-ness.

Should teachers be allowed to use corporal punishments?

That godsis who made the police report, in my humblest opinion, must be a pai kia.. either that, or an awful teacher..

Most of us would have been hit on the palm with rulers etc by teachers, but did that do us any harm? I doubt so. In fact, most of us have turned out well..

So why the hooha over hitting the head of a girl who has gotten into trouble with the school 20 times? If the principal did not care about her, he would not have gotten worked up, trust me. The fewwhom I didn't bother to raise my voice at when they were awful, it just meant that I couldn't be bothered with them. People like Kok Sheng, whom I seem to be scolding every single lesson, it was just because I really dote on the students and want them to follow the right route. If every educator just focus on teaching school related subject and expel undesirable students (as quite a number of schools seem to be doing now), our students will be even worse off!

Which brings to mind, my teachers in CHIJ (Ponggol). Which other school actually emphasises the need for students to be polite to our school caretaker and cleaners? Come to think of it, we must have look real adorable when the entire class walks past the caretaker's room or the cleaners' room in the morning etc... Or, the times when we were scolded for being not polite/ bad manners etc.. for the entire lesson.. Few people would have heard of a class being sent back to class for not saying 'thank you' to the person holding the door for us..

And if one wants examples of corporal punishments, then hitting our palms for not memorising our sentences and meanings well enough for Chinese, not bringing our things should come well under that category. Yet, all of us knew that we deserved it. In fact, if my memory doesn't fail me, some of us even offered our rulers for the teachers to hit us. Dumb, but true.

Some ignorant parents may like to note that, as a result of the scoldings, punishments (some really innovative and bizarre ones, which they would have categorised them as humiliation, but it was, to us, just our fault) the batch of us became better gals, who know the importance of treating others, irregardless of their positions, with respect, know our school work better and interestingly, not to stamp our feet when walking.. (I'm sure all CHIJ (Ponggol) girls would understand why..)

To all my teachers and relief teachers from Pri 1/2 Faith, 3/4 Peace, 5/6 Love, 老师， 谢谢您!