Backtrack..

It's been quite a while since I've typed here. Perhaps I've grown to be less reliant on the blog. Perhaps I no longer feel as safe typing here. Perhaps..

Polling day came and went, just like the last day of pupillage. Of course, my favourite MP won in my estate, with a greater margin. I think I screamed myself hoarse at the announcement, and bounced around the place for the next few minutes, just like I did when a certain "small white face" lost despite tugging hard at coat tails. Ah... next time, maybe I can offer you better shoes, to feel the ground better, yah?

Still, the results were disappointing.

9 days of elections campaign left me totally worn out, even though I wasn't running for it at all! Just try standing for 3 hours two days in a row in super high heel shoes and you'll know what I mean. One particular field was also disgustingly lousy, in that I could actually sink into the mud. But it was all worth it!

Last day of pupillage came and went. I wouldn't say that I didn't feel anything at all since that would be super unlike me. The day before, we had our review session and the pupillage partner asked me for my comments, which I refused to say. Just like what we think a pupil master should be. I'm glad my pupil master answered the question about the number of times he had brought me out for lunch.. uncountable.. How smart. It was truly uncountable, simply because there wasn't anything to count. Not that I really care cause you are only a pupil master in name only. To think that stupid me actually looked up to you to that great an extent before PLC. Oh well, I must be blind.

Siang Pheng feels a lot more like my pupil master. To think my tears actually wanted to surface when he came by my table on the last day. You see, what I think a good pupil master should be is not the number of times you bring your pupil out for lunch.. but more of, noticing your pupil and taking part in the actual training of your pupil. When I passed him the cookies that day, I actually wanted to say "Thank you, Mr Lek.. Thank you for being a good teacher, for letting me feel that I've a 'stand-in' pupil master for the other non-existent one. Thank you for not letting me feel left out, for being interested in my training, for suggesting to me the things to be done, to try out. Thank you, Mr Lek, for being the fatherly figure.. for always giving me the comforting smile whenever I walk into your room. Thank you for telling me to staple things with their corners neatly stacked together. Somehow that habit stuck and I became more particular about stapling. Thank you for everything, Mr Lek.. for pupillage.. and for my attachment." Of course I didn't, cause that sounds super childish, and it'll just bring up other hidden meanings. Still, I'll not forget to have more confidence in myself, that I'll survive in practice, if I ever do practice. Thank you Mr Lek!

Actually, there were a lot of other things that I wanted to say that day, that I didn't cause it sounded just so not right. Just like... I passed the cookies to Terence without saying "Thank you" at all, even though he's one of those whom I really really wanted to say that to (my pupil master not included). Terence, thanks for always making an effort to make me feel comfortable, be it during attachment or pupillage. He's so much like a big brother, and a very nice one. I still remember the first day of pupillage when my pupil master didn't have anything to say to me, and just told me to go home even though it was way before 6pm. Terence popped by to chat... and made me feel comfortable instantly. Even that day when Wanqing and I were back to deal with our call papers. He was the one who made me look for the provision in the LPA, and then read that provision. Terence, thank you... really!

Hmm... however, the last week also reinforced a view, that is, not to trust law students. Sometimes, you may think that what you said is chivalrous, but you are just giving me more problems. What you say will just get passed on and on.. until it gets out of hand. And thanks to what you smartly told another, I shall remember to watch my mouth even further.

Then again, that once again doesn't matter too.

Was just telling some people that I really don't feel like going for the mass call cause it's just a photo session, and the people I want to take photographs with won't exactly be present. JianPing is overseas.. Koon, I don't want to tell him, simply cause I don't want someone else there, but telling him and not the someone would just put him in a spot if the other person finds out, and I don't want to do that. Hmm... I can't possibly be such a huge brat to ask if Itak da ge is coming to Singapore next weekend right? But mass call would be so worthwhile, even if only one of them turns up.. Hmm...

Went back for NJCO concert on Thursday. I don't know why the impact was so great. When I heard Yao Zhu Wu Qu, memories just kept flooding back.. The happy things that happened during NJCO days... That encore piece.. William Tell.. reminded me of my last concert with RGCO too. Everything just flew by, just like the wind. Before you can even grab hold of them, they've disappeared into dust. But, I still remember how to play those pieces, the notes, who's coming in when etcetc. Some memories just don't fade... I really miss all of you.. I really do...

These two weeks, a once relatively close friend appears to be keeping in contact more often. By right, I would have been relatively happy, but I really don't feel a thing. Cause now, I'm just the silly "guardian angel" (ok.. a bit thick skinned.. but... something to the extent of a person protecting another) who is there to "lend you my shoulders to lean on".. Just as I've said, I'll try my best to help you deal with the current situation (though I don't think you need me actually) before I retire. Though I don't think you noticed what I typed yesterday, or realised what I meant.. What a junior said that day about another having sacrificed/put in a lot really stuck in my mind. I guess I still prefer to watch from afar, appear when needed, before disappearing into the crowd again. I chose to allow myself to be used simply because you still retain a certain standard of importance (as compared to those who have never reached that level of closeness, yet chose to be bigmouths) as a friend.. yet at the same time, you are not as important a friend any more too given that your presence/absence doesn't make that much of a difference either. Contradictory isn't it?

Koon, JianPing.. can I borrow your back to lean on for a while someday and then chat and chat and chat?? I really miss the bus rides, the times in the library where I could talk, talk and talk.. Just like, I miss talking to you too, Itak da ge.. when will you be coming to Singapore again?? Hmm...