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I guess I do recover quite quickly. I'm actually fine now. Maybe some Ian effect did rub off on me. Of course, and Beatrice's efforts at chatting with me too helped a lot too. It's always in the least obvious places that you get the most comfort. So..... thanks Beatrice!

Lunch today was with a group of unlikely lunch companions. Actually, I don't know what came over me to make me ask to meet them both (I mean two of them) other than the fact that I just wanted to pass whatever that was for them to them. Not that I really regretted though, cause it wasn't that bad, in fact, it was.. relaxing (with the minor exception when we had to walk past Paul whilst walking to the Vietnamese restaurant). But I really really enjoyed myself, so thanks Beatrice, Chee Min and Clarissa!

Talking about my lunch companion reminds me of something that someone said yesterday:

"you always try to avoid when it's me, beatrice and chee min"

Frankly, I don't. But come to think of it, I guess I might feel out of place too, if I tried. Perhaps I just really don't blend in well when there are too many people.

Wonder if Itak da ge is still in Singapore. Maybe I should just 'bug' him for some reassuring words. I'm sure he'll be able to come up with some to make me feel much better too. See what I mean about Yaofang being a huge brat?

Care to lend me some optimism?

Exactly 1 year and 15 days ago, I was in a super scared and uncertain state. The first person I thought of to email to was this senior. I didn't expect a reply from him, since he wasn't really that much of a senior, but he did anyway, and somehow it reassured me a little.

Fastforward to now. Ian, wherever you are, can I borrow your limitless optimism? Your way of looking at things in a positive light? Somehow I think I went overboard in making myself cheery, to the point that I'm losing control of myself. And then now, I'm just feeling awfully scared, upset whatsoever. Perhaps I didn't really change that much from the supposed shy person you thought I was. I still don't feel comfortable mixing with strangers and don't like to face the unknown. I don't want my lao ban or my colleagues for that matter to realise that what they think of me is simply a facade, that I'm actually quite dumb and slow. In the first place, a part of me still doesn't want to face reality, doesn't want to turn up in Income and just wants to run away. Perhaps the grass is greener on the other side, maybe that's why I really really really want to do something else even though the outcome may be better. I know you've told me that so long as one can find one positive aspect in the job, that aspect will sustain the person, somehow it doesn't seem to work on me. How? I just feel very very helpless.. you know, like someone trying to clutch on to some straw in the sea. I don't even know why I'm feeling this scared, reluctance now. If only there's some way to get you, so that you can still drop some words of wisdom and allow some of your cheerfulness to rub off on me.

Sounds quite useless right? Hmm... and even though Weiguang once said I'm relatively independent, I don't think I am now. In fact, can I borrow a hug from someone?

***Later***

Is it that hard to reassure someone? Actually, all I needed was just someone to just type the word *hug*... somehow it seems difficult huh? Even when I actually asked someone who used to be always able to reassure me whenever I asked..

What makes some best friends whilst others not?

You know you were super tired when you typed a post, and then re-read it a few hours later, and realise it simply does not make much sense.

It's just the same as doing any piece of work, just like the analogy I used about a spring. Maybe you're just over-stressing yourself, like what I've said yesterday, you'll be generating great work in no time, just cause I believe that you can. Have more faith in yourself, and don't pile too much pressure on yourself!

******

Was discussing this with Koon that day whilst waiting for Weiling. It started off with me commenting how 2 friends in his faculty, one having made me very hurt before and another not, yet how I still regard the former as a good friend whom I would go all out to protect whereas I'm not so nice to the other.

Friendship, like many other things involving feelings and opinions, has really no basis. It's just like, why do you like certain food and not others? You really can't explain such stuff, right?

It's the same as how friendship just suddenly becomes bland too. Of the four people I trusted most in JC, only 2 remains amongst those I consider to be my most important friends. Perhaps when I wanted to put an end to the friendship earlier this year, I really managed to, finally, this time round. It's weird how you just can't make yourself go into the can't-be-bothered mode for so many years, and then suddenly, you are able to do it. No reasoning, no basis.

Which brings to mind something Guoxing asked the other day. Did I take up law for the sake of the monetary returns? You should know that my answer would be no, right? But it's just a not-so-nice feeling when you see everyone running ahead of you and you're still struggling behind.

Or maybe I've just changed over the years, huh?