Life's Little Ironies

To think that I was still cautioning a friend about watching his words yesterday night. I should have applied the same advice to myself. And since I didn't, I have no one else to blame, other than myself. Which probably explains why I didn't feel anything significant. It's just another lesson well learnt. Perfect.

Just like many many months ago when I really wanted to be in Liti. And now that I'm back in it, I'll just say I can't remember why I had so badly wanted in. "Oooh.. You can't let her do this, cause there'll be a conflict of interest" Hello! I've seen the entire file even before I went for my PLC, and that demand thing was done by me to. Oh well, as usual, I still can't feel a thing.

Perhaps I just can't be bothered any more. Nothing is real, and so, nothing is worth putting heart and soul for. Ironically though, I'm some sort of bothered by my can't-be-bothered attitude. The numbness once again made me want to prick it to see if I could feel.

It's always when people are not around that you wish for them to be. Just like these days when things haven't been smooth, I'd wish if JianPing were in Singapore. And today, it'll be nice if Gary was around too. Just that, even if Jianping were in Singapore, I would never allow myself to bother him anyway. Nor would I whine to Gary if he weren't on MSN either. It's just a matter of me preferring the "if only".

Just like this evening, as I was walking to the MRT station along the oh-so-familiar route. It's been 5 years since I've spent a huge part of my day around that area, but somehow some memories just stay on. Just like the Shatec restaurant nearby that would always remind me of the lunch I had with Grace and Joanne, and how we ended up absolutely wet for class. Come to think of it, 5 years ago around this time, we probably have not even talked to Itak and Darmaji yet, and Darmaji was still Tarmaji in my eyes. The VCD shop is no longer there, but I can still picture the scene where they had just used my soft toy duck to make me smile before the break, and then during the break, they would sit there watching what's shown on the not-really-huge tv. Stupidly enough, these days, this is one of the stuff that reassures me and makes me break into a smile. Then again, as I was walking past today, I can't help but wonder, perhaps these memories were great, only because I don't really get to see them around. Less contact mean less chances of conflict. But seriously, I really do miss studying life with them and Joanne.

But I'm still thankful, in any case, there's always Weiguang online. It sounds pretty stupid to go "AHHhhhhhhh" for no reason but it just felt nice and SAFE. In these few months, Weiguang has turned into one of my safest shelters, so much so that it didn't occur to me what would happen if the safe shelter wasn't what I think it is. What would I do? I don't dare to think, nor do I want to. I'll just take it as it comes. Meanwhile, I'll just indulge in the safeness and comfortable hideout, at the expense of being an irritant. Weiguang, thank you! I really mean it..

Which reminds me, I wonder if a certain Mr Tan is free for dinner on say, Friday? If you are, then I'll try to reschedule my tuition. Can can?

I realised it's been a long while since I've concretely asked another male friend to meet up, thanks to a comment by some friend's friend. Actually, have you ever realised that, the reason why I bother to be nice is merely cause you happen to be a close friend of a friend of mine? But that doesn't give you the right to tell me what to do. The only ones who get to are people I treasure, and whether any one belongs to that category is for me to decide.

On the same note, I realised I still owe KF lunch too. And I have less than 2 months to repay the lunch. Only that he always seem to be busy or at least I assume so.