Dear Mr Y,
The fact that you see me typing this letter (which of course you'll never receive) shows the extent of how much work I have. In fact, I would have typed this earlier this morning, if not for the fact that I thought it wasn't very nice to be doing this during office hours. But I've really nothing else to do anyway.
Mr Y, when you said our panel of lawyers would not bite the hand that feeds them, do you merely mean our panel lawyers would not overwork me, or ill-treat me for no reason? I'm sure you didn't think of the possibility of me not having much work, did you? Or did you mean that as well?
Perhaps I've just not been a very smart girl, for telling the truth to certain people and causing myself to end up in an even more unhappy situation. So I more than deserve my current position. Or perhaps I'm just too dumb, too careless that no one trusts me with any work?
Frankly, too much free time on my hands is just eroding my self confidence, which I must say I didn't have much in the first place. And it's making me way too whiny for my own liking. I hate disturbing others at work just because I am way too free. I hate complaining to them when I know they have their own problems too. I hate being so reliant on them. I hate being so needy. I hate being so easily upset or so easily on the verge of tears. The old me wasn't like this. In summary, I just hate the person I've become. I do not like to cry and I do not like to allow myself to cry.
Would it have been better if I had not informed you about my predicament. Somehow I sometimes think you got involved just because you didn't want me in a firm with someone you don't like. But I am not your pawn although by coming here, I've made myself one. I really hate myself for going back on my word, about not coming here for pupillage definitely. I should have stuck to my guns, but as usual, I am never firm about my stand. In the end, I just make myself end up disliking something that I thought I loved at first.
I really really hate myself for making stupid decisions, by thinking the best of a number of people, only to expose myself to greater hurt. You see, the more highly I think of someone, and then when they do prove me wrong, it hurts more. But I am just blind and easily manipulated, I guess and I truly hate myself for that. I'm not as strong, bubbly and cheerful as I force myself to be.
I really do not want to be so unhappy but at the same time I do not want to complain to you because it wouldn't be of much use. Can you tell me what to do? Please? I really want to learn something so that it'll be of some use to me.
Thank you.
Yours sincerely,
Yaofang
