Inner Pressure?

Some people say that dreams are a reflection of what you've been thinking. In that case, it probably means I've been subjecting myself to quite a bit of internal pressure. Even after being awake for half an hour by now, my heart is still racing as badly. Someday, this is going to get me to IMH.. But interestingly, I was once again able to reason very nicely in my dream today. Still, why did I feel so lost throughout the dream?

Anyway, enough of dreams. No point typing and typing about "scary" things, right?

Thursday, I met up with my cousin for lunch! He was working in that area that day, and so he smsed me. Hee.. his first sms was funny "do you know who am I?" or something to that extent. And as I was telling him, this is the most I've spoken to him in 24 years! Actually, that should be 23 since he's a year younger. I couldn't have spoken to him before that, right? =) Still, it was fun.. and cheery. At least as compared to lunching with fellow law people, perhaps because I could be more frank and I could avoid certain topics that would hurt.

Friday. Since a certain guy wanted some honourable mention in my blog and since I'm such an adorable little nice one, of course I'll grant him his wish. Actually, I do believe I did beam when I saw him (though I don't know how I happened to be looking in that direction at that particular time). It's always a great pleasure to bump into the friends I hold dear. And I realise the fact that I love my non-law friends a lot more than my law ones will probably always hold true. Maybe because I'll always feel safest with them and so, even if last week was a particular bad week, Friday night was a good medicine =) though Mr Tan, it'll be even better if we do get to meet for dinner someday! =)

Yesterday, it was still tuition as per normal in the morning. And then latter in the afternoon (cause she complained about having to go out in the hot sun), I went with my mum to Chung Hwa Medical Hospital at Toa Payoh. Actually, it was more of me forcing her to, since Western doctors are getting more quack these days (at least most of those we see) and I heard Chung Hwa was good. Luckily we went late too. Cause the next queuing time was supposed to be at 6pm, so we had to queue for an hour before they gave out queue numbers and started registration. And after that, it was another 1 hour wait for the doctor because the doctors start work only at 7pm. Ever since I've stopped going to polyclinics.. ermz .. since primary school, I don't think I've queued that long to see a doctor. But it wasn't that bad, given that the place was pretty and I guess I'm better able to waiting now (especially since I'm trained to do that almost every day anyway.

Oh.. and some photo since it's been quite a while since I've uploaded any here, I think. Before we set off for Toa Payoh, my mum made me try the hat that her colleague gave her and we started boliaoly taking..

And since I'm in the mood to upload photos today, here's another photo I took before running off to work one Friday. No points for concluding that I was late for work that day.. I think..

Today. tuition got cancelled relatively late. Else I could have either taken up Weiguang's offer of movie with him and Gary, or gone cycling with Nelson, Vicknesh and company. Not that the latter mattered that much actually, since even though I really wanted to go cycling especially at a certain place so that I can return something to someone who lives relatively nearby, I didn't like the rest of the company. I shall not mention names since I know some of their friends will probably see this. Sometimes, I really cannot imagine how someone is older than me, because he simply does not seem to be able to understand or reason like an adult. This is on top of the fact that he doesn't even seem to understand what can or cannot be said. Then again, maybe I'm just making a molehill out of nothing since he's not the only person I know who does that.

Another week has just gone by. Just a few more weeks more to go. In fact, I think less than 10 right? What can't kill me will just make me stronger, so.. Yaofang, you can do it!! =)

A letter to Laoban

Dear Mr Y,

The fact that you see me typing this letter (which of course you'll never receive) shows the extent of how much work I have. In fact, I would have typed this earlier this morning, if not for the fact that I thought it wasn't very nice to be doing this during office hours. But I've really nothing else to do anyway.

Mr Y, when you said our panel of lawyers would not bite the hand that feeds them, do you merely mean our panel lawyers would not overwork me, or ill-treat me for no reason? I'm sure you didn't think of the possibility of me not having much work, did you? Or did you mean that as well?

Perhaps I've just not been a very smart girl, for telling the truth to certain people and causing myself to end up in an even more unhappy situation. So I more than deserve my current position. Or perhaps I'm just too dumb, too careless that no one trusts me with any work?

Frankly, too much free time on my hands is just eroding my self confidence, which I must say I didn't have much in the first place. And it's making me way too whiny for my own liking. I hate disturbing others at work just because I am way too free. I hate complaining to them when I know they have their own problems too. I hate being so reliant on them. I hate being so needy. I hate being so easily upset or so easily on the verge of tears. The old me wasn't like this. In summary, I just hate the person I've become. I do not like to cry and I do not like to allow myself to cry.

Would it have been better if I had not informed you about my predicament. Somehow I sometimes think you got involved just because you didn't want me in a firm with someone you don't like. But I am not your pawn although by coming here, I've made myself one. I really hate myself for going back on my word, about not coming here for pupillage definitely. I should have stuck to my guns, but as usual, I am never firm about my stand. In the end, I just make myself end up disliking something that I thought I loved at first.

I really really hate myself for making stupid decisions, by thinking the best of a number of people, only to expose myself to greater hurt. You see, the more highly I think of someone, and then when they do prove me wrong, it hurts more. But I am just blind and easily manipulated, I guess and I truly hate myself for that. I'm not as strong, bubbly and cheerful as I force myself to be.

I really do not want to be so unhappy but at the same time I do not want to complain to you because it wouldn't be of much use. Can you tell me what to do? Please? I really want to learn something so that it'll be of some use to me.

Thank you.

Yours sincerely,

Yaofang

Spinning

"Rather than allowing myself to deteriorate into becoming super whiny, I think I should just start talking to myself"

"The things that some guys do are just sufficient to irk me"

"Different things from different people's mouth get different reactions. If you want, try being someone I don't really like and make some stupid comments about my dressing. Please do not think I'm obliged to be nice about it. Subtle politeness can go on leave sometimes too, particularly if you are weary"

"Sometimes I don't understand why you want to make me do something. Build better working relationship so that it'll be beneficial later on? Has it ever occur to you that you're just making me detest you even more?"

"I saw the 'classifieds' and I saw your name under that column. Although there were two other names, both of which do provide minor cuts, why do I feel most unhappy at seeing that particular name?"

"I really don't know. I really don't. Who's telling me the truth? And who's not? I don't want to think because the truth sometimes hurts.. a lot. But why do I feel so confused? And I can't even find the answer"

"You always sneer at us, especially me, saying that just because I've completed University, I think I'm very smart, but I just don't know but someday I will know. Of course I am not as smart as you. As if regular donations to Singapore Pools is not enough, you've actually donated $200 in a day to the NTUC club. Who else can be more brillant than you? I can't, cause I have a possible huge debt that you, of course, wouldn't and have no means to clear it for me. In fact, I think you should thank your lucky stars. Don't even have to pay for huge school fees, can enjoy certain luxury FOC, and have all the money in the world to make regular donations. On top of that, a free slave to do all your admin matters too. Frankly, you are the one who taught me how useless and undependable guys can get. Perhaps I should thank you huh?"

"Stop complaining about how tough it is to work and how it's better to retire. Everyone else has their problems, just that they don't say it. If you want to retire, fine. Don't expect me feed your regular donations, especially since your own not-low pay is not even enough for your expenditure. I absolutely cannot afford it and I can't be bothered. It'll just remind me of how you made me lie, and when I didn't, how you abused me in public. In fact, if someday some creditors appear, I might just decide to disown you so don't try it"

"As if everything is not enough, you had to bring her to what you deem good massage. And the result? Bruises here and there. And now? Not any better, in fact worse. One bruise at the spine somewhere close to the kidney. Faintness. Now more worries for me. Time to take her to what I think is better, not some run-off-the-mill, I bet cheap-skate stuff."

"Can you stop giving me more problems than I can possibly cope?"

"Everything linked to money. No wonder money is the root of all evils. Why does money cause me more tears, heartache, worries? And interestingly enough, money really can't buy my real smiles."

"That's enough whining for the day"

Would you be rather be a great person to all, or a wonderful person to some?

As I was walking along the all-so-familiar-route to a tuition kid's place (it's familiar because that's the route I take to primary school, and NOT because I've been to her place millions of times), I couldn't help thinking of the things I've read, heard about Mr S Rajaratnam over the past few days. Together with the reports and stories that were published following the deaths of Mr Ong Teng Cheong, Mr Wee Kim Wee and even Mr Devan Nair, I couldn't help but wonder, would it be better to be a great person respected by all or just a person whom a few would describe as wonderful? (In case you are wondering, the word 'wonderful' came from Dr Tommy Koh's description of Mr Rajaratnam)

On my way back, one particular electrical shop had most of its big screen TVs tuned to Channel News Asia. Interestingly enough, there was a relatively large group of people, or rather uncles, watching. Not that I think they are interested, in fact, some of them might just be watching out for lucky numbers, or to indulge in their kaypohness. Everyone else was carrying on their work as usual. The children were still running around, making loads of noises. The adults were simply looking, strolling, shopping. Everything was simply as per normal, even though the state funeral was shown on almost every single one of the screens. It didn't concern them, at least not personally, anyway.

So what if you are one of the founding fathers of the country? Or the guy who championed the idea of multi-racialism? Or the author of the well-memorised pledge? All these do not matter because at the end of the day, you are just someone whom everyone admires, respects for your achievements but these achievements have no direct impact (or rather, an impact that could be felt) at all.

Contrast these with the personal anecdotes on how these public figures touched the hearts of some by their seemingly simple gestures. Only these people would truly mourn the loss of a helpful friend, a kind benefactor or a caring relative. To the readers, or rather to me, it is these stories that truly tell me what this person is.

It is interesting how most parents tell their children to aim big and achieve something great. Weirdly enough, few seem to care as much about their children leaving an everlasting (positive.. just in case you were wondering) impact on those around. The most important part of the plane is not necessary the engines, for without the bolts and nuts to hold everything together, the plane would not be able to take off too. (Ok, I admit I kind of quoted this off some TVB drama serials... but who cares)

To me, the most important gauge of how successful a person I am is still.. the number of people who would mourn my loss (Hmm... this phrase sounds weird, but I can't figure out why) although of course I'll never know the answer, and perhaps, in a way, I'll rather live in self-delusion and not know the answer. =)

But yes, to answer the question I pose in my topic, I'll rather be a wonderful person in the eyes of only a few.

Being Frank

As you are reading this now, have you ever asked yourself how frank you are to the people around you? Or are you one of those who normally have some things to say, but these words get swallowed back in again even before being uttered, only to let those more palatable words pop up instead? But have you wondered how much the listener actually believed your words, or how much they've guessed about what you really meant?

Three people, all saying/acting as if retention wasn't that important to them. Yet, their actions and expressions betrayed their words. For example, if you really didn't care that much, would you truly have worked your guts out? Or would you be so upset about the bad reviews that you had? Or not getting back to office too awfully late? Certain things, even though you try hard to hide, still show up to the onlooker. But I'll rather choose not to comment on it, because if you do not want others to know, what's the point of me being a smart alec, right?

But of course, I am in no position to comment too. Afterall, I'm all too often guilty of such behaviour too.

********

On another totally irrelevant note, I'm so awfully sleepy/tired. It all started on Wednesday when I walked home from tuition *again*. Yesterday's research made me so sleepy, plus the fact that I couldn't find anything relevant that I simply had to cancel tuition just so that I could continue to work at home. Even so, I kept dozing and dozing off. Then this morning, I was suddenly very wide awake in the office (probably cause of the pressure I gave myself). That non-sleepiness more or less lasted till I got home after the same tuition. Makes me can't help but wonder if there's something with the IMH area. I mean, Yio Chu Kang is way further to walk back but yet I'm not that tired of the walk back from Zihui's place. Besides, it's not the first time I'm this tired after tuition in that area. In fact, it seems that I'm always half-dead by the time I return from that area. Hmm...

Sleepyhead

You know you are ultra sleepy when your friend tells you something and you reply with a "What day is today?" I didn't even notice that there was a missed call from him. Sorry sorry. Then again, you didn't reply my sms that day too, so we're quits! =p

Lunched with Chloe, Steph, Shyen Sook, Clarissa today. That made me realise the word "retention" is occupying most of my fellow peers' minds these days. Perhaps I'm just impatient, I thought I was a tad irritated when Clarissa kept asking duhz questions, like her constant question of "what's considered screwing up?". But Steph mentioned something related to another firm that pipped my curiousity (since she didn't mention names) but also made me had that split-second worry about another friend. Oh well, I'm sure I was only over-worrying and things would turn out fine.

Even though our conversation appeared to suggest otherwise, I'm quite sure Beatrice is quite worried about retention too. Sometimes, it's not so much about whether we want something badly or not, but rather, it just doesn't feel good being rejected.

Come to think of it, if only Mr Yeo didn't intervene, things might have been very different. Somehow, even though I am grateful for his help, I thought some actions were uncalled for. In a way, I do feel quite paiseh at least towards Mr Marini. I mean, that was a really nice offer and I think I would have been happy there. Though it's long over, somehow I still feel rather apologetic to this day.

Talking about work, another pupil just joined today, and he just had to be Mr SR's buddy. Oh well, who cares. I'm just glad to have volunteered to do work for Terence yesterday, though it's also the reason why I've been losing sleep since yesterday. Too long periods of no work makes my brain work slower, and somehow, I just couldn't find relevant research results. Yet, Terence was still nice about it, and I quite like the guided discussions too. Of course, that also adds to the pressure since I just have this voice telling me repeatedly that I must do a good job because it's work from Terence (unlike some other people whom I don't like).

Went for a chat about something somewhere yesterday. I guess I'm still not comfortable typing about it. Can't remember who said this but sometimes clearer but not as nice results may be better than murky and possibly better results. At least there's no uncertainty for the former.

Perceptions
Was talking to an ex-schoolmate/classmate over lunch today, and the topic wandered to her view that smokers are not considered guai. All of a sudden, that phrase sounded all so familiar. Once upon a time, I was like her too. I simply did not like smokers FULLSTOP. But then, as I left the sheltered world of school, started doing temp jobs, studied at TMC etc, somewhere somehow, the fullstop became qualified.

You see, along the way, I made good friends, big brothers who do smoke. And whilst I was mixing with them, it never occurred to me to stay away just because they were smokers. Friends, especially those whom you trust and can rely on, are so rare.. that it is simply not worth it to categorise people according to the fixed, sheltered mindset. And that is how big brothers like Alvin, Darmaji (I don't think Itak smokes, though I can't really remember) remain people I look up to till now, and I'm sure it will continue to be so many years down the road.

Of course, all these are qualified, simply because there is still a threshold. Basically, I do not mind them being smokers because they do not blow the smoke on my face, or maybe, it's because they are my friends. (Don't ask me which one comes first though, cause I don't know)

But the main point I'm driving at is that, people's perceptions do change with time, so what we think of as absolute now may not necessary be so in a few years, months or even days time. Don't ask me whether it has something to do with people mellowing with age though, cause I don't know, and I do not want to believe so. =)

********

On my way back this evening, I bumped into Sherwin and his mum on the train. Somehow, meeting Sherwin on the train today just brightens up the evening. Just now, my mum was commenting that there must have been some words going around the office, otherwise, I wouldn't be asked by so many people whether I am THAT scholar. The point is, sometimes, the truth may not be what you want to know. So what if I know that they have been talking about me? Would the knowledge make me happier? I seriously doubt so. In fact, given their high interest in asking me that question, I do not think that any talk about me would be THAT positive, so why should I know and make myself unhappy right? Right now, I'll just be happy being "ignorant", asking the LAs for work, and just basically learning as much as I can and not be bothered by others' perceptions. Afterall, what others think can't hurt me that much if I choose not to let them do so, right? =)

PS: Despite my resolution to do something in one of my earlier entries, I still can't help but type this, even if the person it's meant for does not read this. Afterall, I'm sure one of his best friend still reads this and I can always trust that you will remind him. Anyway, I'm not sure if this ex-classmate of mine still has this bad habit of NOT changing contact lenses even after one month is up, but in lieu of the recent news surrounding contact lenses and contact lenses solution, for goodness sake, CHANGE YOUR CONTACT LENSES MORE FREQUENTLY!

Does negative reading really bode ill?

There's this website that sends me weekly predictions for the week, and lately, the readings seem to be getting from bad to worse. Not that I religiously believe in them, but from the events of the past few months, I just can't help thinking that they are more or less accurate.

This week's reading doesn't sound super favourable too.. I still hope it's not that accurate.. Dons said I'm wishy-washy when we were talking about a certain scholarship. I can't help but agree, but I'm getting even more scared of making decisions.

On another note, I can't stand certain tuition kid's parent. I replied her sms this morning when I came in and I've already had 3 smses and 1 phone call from her. She's going to drive me nuts. But.. tuition is still a necessity, so I'll just have to grit my teeth and bear with it.

The best way to destress

Clarissa asked quite a number of times this week, what the best way to destress is. Apparently, she thought she badly needed to destress, but needed suggestions as to what was the best method. Can't exactly remember how I answered her, but I knew it had something to do with talking to people you feel comfortable with.. Friends that you trust.

Throughout the whole of this week, there was quite a bit of pent up emotions. It wasn't really the kind where one badly had to let out, but it just didn't feel that good. Then this evening, one friend called to go for dinner, or rather, for Japanese food. That would be my third time having Japanese food in a week, but somehow, it turned out to be the most enjoyable (and obviously least painful) Japanese meal for this week.

What started off as merely to keep that friend company for dinner ended up being my best destressor for the week. It's weird that one would say certain things only to a particular group of people, or even if certain things were said to many different groups of people, only by chatting with a particular group that the "burden" gets lifted. Not sure if this makes sense, but that was what I realised on my bus ride home.

Certain friends really do command more importance than others. I made some people do the negative version of the Johari test and there were certain description that I thought would be relevant only to those less close ones. Am I really that cold? I don't think so. In fact, I thought at least one would use the description "needy" on me instead, especially since I think I can be very over reliant, especially lately.

Still, it was relaxing to be out this evening, especially with the breeze, even if someone had to scare me with some saying. I love breezes and winds, especially when they blow against my face. It just has that very soothing effect that calms and seems to say, "it's ok". Besides, with the friend beside me, any over scary stories wouldn't be that bad since I know I'll be safe. =) It's just like how I know I'll always be safe when I'm out with certain friends, even if it means engaging in certain activities that can possibly get me injured, cause they'll be watching out for me.

Hmm.. that particular friend of mine will be having an interview this week. That's a really good and hard-to-get opportunity, so of course I really do hope he gets to do what he wants to. But, I'll definitely miss having a close friend staying relatively nearby (though his place is ulu whereas mine isn't.. hee) and whom I feel comfortable talking to, and can laugh easily with.

PS: I just have to add this extra comment.. The picture below does NOT at all look like some tofu massacre! Some idiot just had to label this as my tofu massacre on his blog huh? It's not, it's not, it's NOT!!! Grrr...

25/02/2006: Decided to remove a certain website link I had here. I do not want, and do not need unsolicited opinions from idiots. If you do not fit the description of my friend, or a welcomed friend of my friend, then basically yes, I AM referring to you.

I am...

An irresponsible and childish spoilt brat.

That basically sums up my thoughts for my actions and thoughts for the day.

The human race

Two murders in a space of two days. And a murder weapon found relatively nearby. No, that shouldn't be the main cause of alarm. Rather the cold-bloodedness of both makes them even more scary. One, shooting not one, but five (or was it six?) shots at point blank. The other, husband killing pregnant wife, even though they had two young kids.

What is the world coming to?

Couldn't help but recall a comment that I had on a friend's blog, that emotions are what make people unique. But are emotions really that good or imporant? From the looks of these news, it really doesn't seem so. Otherwise, why on earth would that husband kill his wife, and the unborn child? And cause his two young daughters to become orphans at such a young age (that is on the assumption that he'll be charged and convicted of murder, of course)? Was he truly thinking at that point in time? Or did emotions get the better of him?

The ability to feel is such a funny creature. Met up with a friend earlier and she updated me on some personal matters. There are many extreme forms of emotions that can be cured just by a simple act. Yet, such act though simple, may still take years before they surface. Of course, it's always better late than never and I'm relatively glad for her.

For the way too observant people, yes, I would realise that you've noticed the word "relatively".

It's not that I'm not really happy for her, but rather, as I've mentioned earlier this evening, it has more of my numbness lately. Have you ever had the situation where your brain tells you, "yahz, that's a cause of happiness/sadness" but you just can't feel anything? To the point that you sometimes wonder if you would feel any pain even if you prick yourself with a tiny needle? It's just like the other day when I said I experienced this weird feeling. Under normal circumstances (I mean in the past), I can imagine myself feeling unhappy. But that day, it didn't feel anything, well, other than the weird feeling where my brain was saying that I'm not too happy, but I just couldn't feel it.

That reminds me of another recent incident although it has nothing to do with numbness. Somehow though, I don't know whether it is good news or not. On one hand, I should be awfully glad that at least one part of me is still behaving like the old me. But on the other, I think this characteristic is definitely not something to be proud of. In any case, I am still very scared of people being over grateful, I guess. Come to think of it, I really do regret doing that delivery. It was so much of a case of spontaneous actions without using my brains to think. I should have anticipated the (in my humble opinion) over grateful reaction, that would in turn bring about my "reflex" reaction of retreating and then the wanting to avoid the person as much as I can help it syndrome. Yes, even more than when I think I've confided a bit way too much to that person.

Oh well, that's the ability to feel coming into play again. Afterall, scared/wary are also emotions, right? No wonder people like Gary, Guoxing and Honghui said that I was complex. Incidentally, I thought that "test" was interesting more because it showed how much those who took the test know me. For some weird (at least in some people's eyes) reasons, I'm actually happier to see the "negative" traits being chosen rather than the positive ones. Mainly because it's only those who know me better or at least care to observe me closer who will notice the less ideal traits and dare to say it too, for that matter. For the same reasons perhaps, I would not ask some people to do that test at all, for fear of seeing all the positively wonderful (and not to mention, fake) traits and then feeling hurt at the results.

Haha.. people do not deem me as complex for no good reason huh? =)

25/02/2006: Once again, I repeat, I've left out a certain link that was here initially to ward off unwanted pests.

Did I really change that much?

Just couldn't help but ask that question. Wanqing, Yang and I met up with Peng Fong for lunch, and when I emailed him thereafter, he made some comment about almost being unable to recognise me.

In any case, lunch was still great. If only Peng Fong was much more senior, then he could have been a pupil master, and I would be super grateful for the chance to be his pupil. At least, he is more approachable, and is better at mentoring. In fact, in some ways, I prefer his way of analysing a matter, whether work related or not. He may not be even a salaried partner (this is of course targetted at some stupid guy who enjoys harping on the fact that his partner is merely a salaried partner whereas mine is an equity partner... Seriously, my answer to that is "so?") but he is an excellent teacher, listener and friend all rolled into one. Where else can you get a better pupil master, right?

Somehow, I really do regret asking VY for help for the pupillage move. R---- may be a good firm, but at the end of the day, if I'm not learning and I feel extra and on some days, terribly depressed, what's the point? Just like, when I was deciding whether to help Beatrice check something in the library, I took a long while to make up my mind to go downstairs, simply because the library is in the Litigation department and I didn't want to run into my pupil master (whom I'm sure saw me today, though I quickly scampered away from view). But then again, I avoid RE like plague too! Today, V "reconfirmed" that I was "the one from NTUC", which reinforced the point that I'm the outsider there. It feels super weird and I really do feel helplessly extra. But there's nothing I can do other than thicken my skin and continue to sit there. Maybe that's why I'll rather ask for work from LAs (even if it's Eugene). At least I don't feel weird. And as what I told Weiguang today, this situation just makes me prone to becoming depressed. Somedays, I just can't tell whether it's just because I'm churning way too lousy pieces of work that no one gives me anything. (But I haven't even started doing work for any of them here yet!)

Thankfully, there's always Kiat Wee around. I was that bored to send him an email asking if he had any work for me. He appeared over this side to pass me something to do and it's not even the kind of work that seemed like it was to 敷衍 me. Thanks to people like Kiat Wee, Ben, and some others, work or rather being thick skinned is not as dreadful. In a way, I'm glad I did attachment whilst they were pupils, so at least, things feel a lot better =)

助人为快乐之本

For some awfully strange reason, I'm just super cheered up. Even though this morning, I was still suffering from a bit of a hangover of emotions from yesterday.

But.. doing that last piece of task I did before I left office somehow made me feel high. Can't decide whether it is really because of the 助人为快乐之本 principle even if it's for someone I dislike... or maybe it's just cause my brains are functioning weirdly today.

Certain things are not meant to be said

I was seriously contemplating moving my entire blog elsewhere, just so that I can type some stuff here but why should I give up a blog address I quite like, just to avoid letting some readers see this? So, I've decided to keep mum about it.

Somehow, certain events just leave a weird aftertaste.. It's like one doesn't feel extremely happy, yet at the same time, one is not down either. It's just an undescribable feeling.

But otherwise, the day was relatively good too! Daniel came all the way down to law faculty to keep me company this morning. Afterall, the traffic flow was low and all of us there were basically chatting amongst ourselves. But even so, it was fun, cause there were quite a number of familiar faces that I was comfortable with, for example.. Chloe, Shyen Sook, Steph... Elaine, Grace etcetc..

But yes, it was nice to have Daniel down there even though he's still not well yet and saying some things that I am minded to keep mum about. =)

And of course, who would forget the fact that today is the launch of RadioPulse. Come to think of it, it's been so many years before it's officially launched, no wonder people like Weiguang and possibly Daowei (otherwise why would he sms me about it on the first day of CNY!) are so excited. Of course, I'm obviously not as interested in the launch as they are.. what's more interesting is that... Weiguang is hosting! Ran into him when I was trying to avoid the crowd by walking closer to the co-op, and there he was, in his very-DJ attire.. haha.. And though I didn't really get to see him on stage, at least I did get to hear him from afar.. for a while (ehz.. not long enough though... *hint hint*) But it was really really nice to keep bumping into him today cause at least it helps keep me sane from the weird feeling..

Oh, and Gary's sms too! Thank you! Actually, if not for the sms, it wouldn't have occurred to me that I've known you for 3 years already! =)

Yes, friendship is an amusing thing. Some friendship lasts, whilst others don't. Which brings to mind a conversation I had with a friend today. Certain friendship gets strengthened with disagreements. But some disagreements are fatal to a friendship. Especially those that cause one person to act in a manner that is not exactly usual. In that case, a crack has already formed and nothing will mend that crack.

But of course, that last part doesn't apply to most of my friends (then again, if I refer to these people as my friends, then obviously they normally won't fall into that category, right?) But since it's supposed to be International Friendship Day today.. Happy Friendship Day, my dearest, wonderful-est friends!!!!!!!

The Bright Full Moon

If you are reading this on a Monday, why not look out of the window and observe the bright full moon today? The moon may not be perfectly round all the time, but there will still be times when it is. And the cloud clears up, it is truly beautiful.

Doesn't that remind you of life in general? As in, there may be times when things are less than perfect, but in the end, there will always be times when things fall into place. And it is the former that makes the later so much more treasured, isn't it?

The last week taught me how to let things go. In a way, it made a lot of things easier to accept, and it made me a lot more cheery. Just like, I could be more flexible with my timings at work and not overly worried about keeping time.

Just like.. Lunch with Gary and Weiguang was fun. As in not the fun kind of fun, but more of, it provided the setting for a bright sunny day, or perhaps week. Talking to the two of them is just.. relaxing and comfortable.. I can laugh when I truly feel like it.. and be as mischievous as I want to be.. You know, when people say laughter is the best medicine, it truly is.

And then, there was also the short "break" I took to meet Honghui. Actually, we didn't talk much, in fact, I realise, I simply just suan him on and on and on.. But, it's always nice to meet up with my friends, even if there's nothing to talk about. And yes, I must add, THANKS FOR THE STUFF, HONGHUI!! =)

Careers fair wise, it was just standing around and talking, non-stop if you happen to get a target. Bumped into Daphne's sister and spent a long while talking to her. Wah.. her brother is already in Secondary 2! To think it was just not too long ago that the little boy was "terrorised" by Wanling for being called Christopher Lee!

And after careers fair, it was dinner with Calvin before going off home together.

But, that's not the only highlight. I received a call from.. Sihao!! That was such a pleasant surprise, though it would have been better if my handphone battery wasn't low. Ehz.. I'm sorry about not being able to turn up that day, and giving a lame reason. I actually forgot that I've told you about my blog, so I typed all those without intending you to read it! Ah.. that's why to the rest of my readers, please do leave some comments occasionally, so that at least, I would remember that I've given you the website. Just in case I shoot my mouth off without intending to.

Oh, and on another note, RadioPulze is finally going on air tomorrow! That's so many years after. All the best for your hosting, Weiguang! I'll definitely try to skive a little just to watch you host. Ehz.. afterall, how can you hide from the person who had previously praised you before? That's not very right, yahz?

Gary wise.. remembered him mentioning something about hoping that he would be away by July. Didn't have a chance to ask him just now but, ehz.. when's the result coming out? Good luck!

As for Daniel mummy.. do hope he's feeling better! Looks like I can't save on postage, given my lack of memory.

Frankly, I really still do feel envious of others who get to do work and learn during pupillage. Just like a particular guy called Kum Fu (I've stopped trying to compare within firm wise, that'll just make me unhappy, right?).. But then, I should be glad. Sometimes, the way he works is scary and I don't know whether I can sustain as well as he does. And as I was telling Calvin earlier, the two of them are just so alike.. workaholics! But ok lahz, work is work, sometimes it just cannot be helped. I wonder how life in Income would be like.

Gosh.. my brain is really on a shut-down mode after sleeping so super late for no valid reason for the past few days. But before I forget to talk about my new department.. Am I really that quiet? Seems like people have been talking about me behind my backs, like saying I'm super quiet! And interestingly enough, one of the more senior LAs (I think he's from Ann's batch, in fact) could actually call me by my name even without me going round introducing myself. Hmm.. that sounds weird!

But I still quite like Corporate Finance, at least from my first impression.. =)

Ok, duty at 9am tomorrow with a certain Mr SR (argh..) and Kiat Wee! Should be quite ok. And with the programmes I've lined up for tomorrow, it should be an equally sunny day! Jia you!! =)

Nostalgia

Just read a friend's latest blog entry and the comments that came with it.

Seems like I'm not the only person who does certain things out of nostalgic reasons. There are certain buses too that I just enjoy taking even if it is not as direct as some other form of transport. Or that I just like being at certain places for no particular explainable reasons.

Just like, even though I don't like gummys that much, there's still a certain brand and flavour that holds a special place in my heart. That's the one that Qiuting bought for me during the angel and mortal game just to reassure me about my speech.

Just like a particular brand of biscuits that I'll always turn to to cheer myself up, even if I'm already super sick of that taste.

Even the chocolates I bought for Beatrice that day, I chose that just cause it reminded me of the first Chinese Orch angel-mortal game letter from Qiuting during CNY.

Seems like no matter how time flies or how things have changed, certain things will still remain the same. That's what people call comfort food/object right?

Sentiments may be a burden quite often, but without them, each of us will not be unique. And it is through all these different experiences that we become who we are today. So even if I were to choose to do something dumb for nostalgic reasons, I wouldn't reproach myself for being way too sentimental.

Afterall, without all these memories, I wouldn't be the person I am, right? =)

Weekends turn me into a pig

For some weird reason, one of my entries mysteriously disappeared. Somehow, blogspot enjoys censoring my blog huh? Everytime I type something awfully not nice, it either disappears even before I can publish it, or like the present case, it mysteriously disappears. But weirdly enough, it never disappears when I'm typing half-way. It's always when the entire (normally super long entry too) is done that it disappears. Grr..

Back to my title for today. Weekends really do turn me into a pig. What other times would I sleep so much? Ok, I guess one reason for me sleeping so much is my escapism streak, but, can you imagine if weekends were longer? I'll sleep through even more days and get fat, fatter, fattest! Hahahaha..

Bumped into my reading sister yesterday. Hmm.. it's been so many years already, I should stop referring her to as my reading sister, but, it's a bit hard to change huh? If I start referring to her as Huimin, no one at home would know who I'm referring to.. (Haha, that reminds me of my FMS plaintiff too. The name "plaintiff" stuck and when I said something about my plaintiff and referred to my plaintiff by his name, my mum and sis were like "who's that".. Haha.. but this obviously doesn't apply to those whose other "names" came up only after I've known them slightly better.. unless you are "lucky" enough to be conferred some other names by my sis then that's besides the point.. hee) As I was saying, the chance meeting on one hand made me feel older (she's finishing her physiotherapy course next year) and it reminded me that another person (probably wrongly) looks up to me a teeny weeny bit. Actually, looking at her now, I still can't help but be reminded of that primary 1 girl I had to deal with. Crying and crying at the stairs on the first session, and then we ended up being brought to Sister Joan's office by Mrs Wee. And she continued with her crying throughout that one year too! I can still remember how much I couldn't stand her crying! But weirdly enough, we've still maintained contact on and off through the years, whereas I've no idea how my recess sister is, or even how she looks like now. Which reminds me of my primary 1 recess sister too, who happens to be Anne's sister, and how much I didn't like her on the first day. But I am very guai, k? Cause I've never cried in primary school not even first day! Haha.. but seriously, I wonder how Anne is now too. The most serious person in our Malaysia Cup crazy clique.

Hmm.. the song on my comp now reminds me of another friend, I mean ex-classmate.. Actually, my increasing irresponsibility, mean-ness and recklessness is really getting scary. But though I know, I just don't seem to be able to reverse it. Just shows how true the Chinese saying about it taking 3 days to turn bad, but years to turn over a new leaf.

Today is Yuan Xiao.. There's supposedly Chingay downstairs tonight but who cares.. I want Yusheng!! I mean it's the last day I can get Yusheng before another CNY arrives, right? Hee.. and according to tradition, at least what I've read in primary school, people go round with lanterns on Yuan Xiao too. That suddenly makes me want to play with lanterns too! Maybe I should take out the one Koon gave me last year =) I am a big kid wat.. and an adorable one too, in case anyone forgets.. haha =p

O Level results

I seriously need to do some rewiring of my brain. It's been years since I've received my O level results, but every year, I still feel as if I'm closely connected to the results.

Just like the day I had my O level results, today was peppered with not so good news. First, it was Reichmann who told me about his L1R4 being 14. And then, Iffah smsed me to report her 2 failures in Maths and Humanities.

Even Darryl didn't do as well as I predicted he would. When he told me his L1R5 was 17, my first reaction was just a "huh?". But what's done has already been done. There's no way to change it and like what I've just said to Reichmann, the O level certificate is just another key towards the new field of study. Years down the road, no one is going to bother to ask you how many As you've scored back then. And perhaps that's why I chose not to harp on his results, but to ask about what he plans to do and I'm glad to say, he's still going on to jc, probably CJC. Just that I guess, I just feel super guilty that he didn't do well. It just feels as if I failed as a tutor.

But I must say, Darryl sounded really cute, like a little boy over the phone. Come to think of it, after teaching him for 4 years, this is the first time I've talked to him over the phone. Normally I'll be calling his mum instead.

Somehow or rather, I've been having been reminded quite a bit about a similar period of time approximately 8 years ago. Last Friday when I had dinner with a certain nice Mr Chan (hee.. better type nice here cause he bought me dinner though.. he ought to since he made me work till almost 9pm just to wait for him to knock off! Hmpf..) and his lab friends. That happened to be the chingay full dress rehearsal. This would be the 2nd time I've witnessed the full dress rehearsal, the last time being a day before my O level results were out. Weirdly enough, I can still vaguely feel what I had felt at that point in time.

And today? I can't help but recall that particular Saturday when my right shoulders were soaked with Jo's tears even before it was my turn to get my results, how my tears just started flowing non-stop at the sight of the first line of my results, how I waited for XiaoPing and Wanhui to finish Chinese Orch practice and then trooped off to Far East so that they could comfort me, how I called a then JC classmate to confide about my sadness, how I got home at almost 2pm and had a shelling from my parents because I would be almost late for my piano lessons. Somehow, certain things just stay in your mind for years, even as you want to shut them out.

Just like many other matters. Just a few days ago, I embarked on a stupid mission and yesterday, Weiling was still doubting my ability to see through what I had wanted to do. Not wanting to trouble my usual "poor-thing" victim, I broke my resolution again though with a "corporate tone", according to my sis. I must have succeeded to some extent cause I received something set in a "warning tone", such that if I wasn't careful, an eruption would be imminent. As usual, I immediately felt 不忍 , felt bad and needless to say, my attitude made one huge U-turn and exceeded its limits again. Just as Weiling predicted. Gosh.. if this continues, I'll never succeed in what I set out to do earlier. Then again, being the mean person I am, I'm very sure I'm capable of sustaining my mean-ness.

Still on the topic of spring cleaning the brain, it's always good to have newer friends. Met Beatrice today. And it was highly enjoyable, the conversation I mean. Sometimes, even observation itself doesn't paint the full picture. There were certain comments made that didn't fit into the picture I saw, but all in all, it was fun even if the food wasn't that perfect. Afterall, who cares when the companion is great, right?

Meal companion reminds me of next week! Imagine it's only Friday and I've settled lunch for both Monday and Tuesday (yes, I'm dumb enough to volunteer for the 2nd day 9am just because they said they needed people. What's wrong with me?)! Ok, the Tuesday part is linked to a certain earlier paragraph that, as usual is for me to know and for you to figure out. And the Tuesday lunch also means I've to get rid of a certain irritating Mr SR prior to that. Otherwise, I'm sure he'll be itching to perform his permanent hobby of back-stabbing again. But, it doesn't matter I guess. I need to do my sis a favour and at the same time not owe others any favours. Besides, sad to say, there's nothing they would bother to do against me anyway. Hmm.....

Disclaimer: If any of the above doesn't make much sense to you, just read it with a pinch of salt, cause it probably doesn't make sense. And in case you are wondering why, that's just because I'm nodding off whilst typing this entry =)

Sunshine after the rain

Decided to take back whatever was typed yesterday. It was meant to be a reflection of my feeling of resignation, but somehow one particular reader smsed last night and commented about it being peppered with anger. Seriously, I really wasn't angry at all, just drained so much so that I really dozed off super early and got up later than usual today.

But certain parts still hold true of course, including the spring cleaning of the brain part. Somehow though, it's useless when I say I've deleted certain numbers off my phone. Why? Cause it may not be there, but it's stored in my brain so unless I get some form of amnesia, I don't think the number will just disappear.

After I typed that entry which was directed at one person yesterday, I got a surprising, a little out of the blue reply. Frankly, it's not true that tôi ghét anh áây (note the last word is a bit wrong, but I couldn't get my programme to type it sign properly). Just that I'm too tired, I guess.

Had a short conversation (was it a conversation? Hmm..) with someone about trust. Apparently, one of the 2 partners whom I talked to just couldn't keep their mouths closed, to the point that what was meant for their ears went to Mrs Yeo's too. Actually, my gut feel said it was the first, otherwise, how did my pupil master guess what I wanted to say? At that point, it was just disappointing, the fact that one of them couldn't be trusted. But I'm fine with it now. I should have known better since I did know words spread very quickly within the law fratenity. Can't remember who I've said it to but once you've opened a tiny gap to let others in and then get hurt as a result, the reflex action would be to shut it permanently. So to the person I was talking to earlier today (though I doubt you'll read this), I guess I still need a bit more time to trust another law person again, can? (Hmm.. why am I asking for permission anyway?)

Then again, it's not true that I don't trust anyone related to law too. Smsed Adrian after getting a reply from Guoxing (Before I forget though, Mr Lim, next time try not to paraphrase what I say, yahz? Cause I noticed you're always good at paraphrasing my words wrongly, so even though I agree that your advice makes sense, but I can't help being super irritated by your paraphrasing! Grr..) But back to my point, Adrian and grandfather basically said the same thing, but as usual, the same meaning prompted different reactions from me. Ok, maybe not too different since I did accept what grandfather said just that I didn't like you "putting words in my mouth". I can imagine someone else (who shall remain unnamed) telling me the same stuff and I'll just not want to talk to the person for the rest of my life! (yes yes.. I'm a brat.. I never said I wasn't, right?)

Seriously though, to those whom I've troubled with my bout of nonsense (again) THANK YOU! Especially a certain Mr Tan (or should it be Ms Tan since I'm supposed to call you jie jie, right? =p ) Thanks so much for the smses and numerous reassuring words.

As to what I'm planning to do, I guess, I'll still try serving out at least try to serve out a bit of my bond. In the meantime, if I scrimp and save, I can send myself for either Vietnamese or Tamil lessons (my command of both was already atrocious to begin with, and with the lack of practice, it's getting disgusting) or maybe even continue with a Higher Diploma in Computer Studies (TMC again? Shall ask Itak..) I doubt I can scrimp enough for a ACCA though, even if I take up tuition again, so that thought shall first be shelved for the time being, I guess. As what Francis da ge had said, working in Income is the time for us to upgrade ourselves, so a short break from law might do me some good, right? And just as what the pupil master I admire a lot (or do I still admire him at all? Hmm) said, what's more important is to ensure that my stint in Income value-adds to my overall employability.

As for where I am now, I guess I shall just count my blessings too. It's not that bad a place, and as I was walking back today, I recalled what I had said way earlier. That so long as the place pays me well and is free from TSC kind of impoliteness, I don't care what they make me do. I guess I'll keep to that motto. No point making myself unhappy for these reasons right? So what if the whole world seems to know that the scholar actually contemplated something at first? I can always pretend that they don't know, and smile my way through. Like what Reichmann said, I can do it, cause I'm Yaofang! (Though come to think of it.. I think Reichmann copied what I've always said!) Thanks for your "vote" of confident though..

Just as the readers of this blog can see, I am fine already! Come to think of it, I ought to make this part of my new year resolutions (Chinese New Year is also considered new year! haha) To be less unhappy (Don't try the truly happy/cheery yet lahz.. that is slightly more difficult. One step at a time yahz?) less troublesome and less.. oops, I mean, more likeable! =) Seriously, sometimes I can't stand myself either. I can't even understand why on earth did I end up crying. Such a disgusting crybaby. Yaofang is made of more steely stuff, right?

Can't help but recall what I said to a Mr Tan today, I love talking to myself. See? I am doing that right now! =)

Seriously though, I really really really love my friends. No matter how bad things are, I'll always have people to turn to, who'll let me whine/rant and not detest me for that. So I am actually super lucky as compared to so many others, which means I've less reason for being so whiny. So Ms Tan, Mr Tay, Mr Chai, grandfather, Daniel mummy, Mr Randall, Mr Chan, Itak da ge, Honghui, and ok I must admit, a certain Mr Wong too.. thanks for tolerating me these few months even when sometimes (or maybe all the time) whatever I blabber simply doesn't make sense, siding me even when I might not be correct but I just need some reassurance.. Whatever it is, thank you! And I really really really love having all of you as my friends, and a number of others who are not named here. Really.

Gosh, this sounds so much like some award session.

Actually, there were two other people who brought me to my senses too.. Jeremy and Robin. Bumped into them on my way back. Together with what Reich said earlier the day, I realised that whatever I do, there'll always be people who would still think a bit highly of me. So whatever it is, I must always set a good example. On another note, I'm really glad to see a cheerful and slightly more talkative Jeremy. At least, he doesn't give me the feeling of being as not-confident as the boy in 4B. Wonder how the rest of the 4A and 4B people are doing though.

And finally, O level results out in 2 days time. Wonder how Darryl and the CVSS people would do. Really hope they'll do well. And Darryl.. he better get into a JC..

One more thing, somehow I'm looking forward to Monday, not because of rotation but because I am going back to NUS. And the point is not about going to law fac, but more of the "activities" I've lined up. One important point though, Mr Tan is going to appear for lunch in his office wear. He promised! (haha.. typing here means you cannot go back on your word) But no way am I going to bring a penguin soft toy all the way there just for your amusement. Of course, being the adorable little trustworthy gal, I'll bring my trench-coat length coat. =)

PS: Mr Chan, when can I claim my swing? Not that I'm feeling down, just that.. I just like the carefree feeling on swings.. and okok.. I just basically want to play, can??

Further note (09/2/2006): How could I forget to add in Itak da ge's name? The person who doesn't mind paying extra charges just to reply an overseas sms from me! The person who has to cheer me up all so often since TMC days. Oh.. and whilst being reminded that I haven't developed and sent the photos to 4A people, I was reminded of Kok Sheng and suddenly remembered the other boy's name. Robin!)

Stepping out in the sun makes one happy

Or so said the radio programme I was listening to this morning.

Apparently, we should allow our heads to be in the sun for a short while each day, since it helps in making us cheery. That was the reason for some invention or something to that extent.

Does this mean that people are generally gloomy when it rains very often, for example a particular week earlier this year? Then again, there might be some truth, considering that I tend to think more at night, and when it is raining.

Ok, that does it, I'll immerse myself in the sunlight every lunch! Then again, NO! I'm not going to get any darker and allow people to suan me. Hmpf! =p

On an equally light note, I'll be going down to NUS next week! For work! Though it's more like slacking since it's LAW CAREERS FAIR 2006! Oh.. how I love careers fair! It'll be a good diversion and I wonder who I'll see. Too bad though, Koon is doing his IA so there's no way he can pop by, and Derrick has no class that day too. Oh well..

On another equally cheery mood, THANK YOU to the 2 guys mentioned above too, for trusting me enough to lend me whatever I asked to borrow earlier this morning. Thank you!! =)

(As my readers can tell by now, I'm THAT frivolous that I can actually be so easily satisfied. Haha)