5 Things to be Happy About -- 19 Sept 2006

A few weeks ago, I typed half an entry on the things I'm grateful for. In a way, listing them out one by one would remind me that no matter how bad things are, there's always something to look forward to. The entry was never completed basically because I was sleepy and too brain dead to type a coherent entry. This time round though, I shall quit being so ambitious, and stick to listing things that make me happy for the day. Well, at least, reminding myself of what makes me happy does prolong the happy effect too...

(1) Gek Koon's package! It's been so many days, and although the thrilled effect has more or less worn off, there's still glimpses of cheeriness at the thought of the package. It's not the thing that counts, but rather, the thought, and the friendship. In a way, I'm still very much of an attention seeker, I guess. I like the feeling of being showered concern, and so every little bit of unexpected concern that I get is sufficient to last me a long long time!

(2) Page 40 of yesterday's TODAY papers!! If you can't figure out what it is, then too bad! =p When I first saw that page, I was so excited I was basically exclaiming to Irene. I guess she was rather amuse, but hey, he's part of one huge part of my childhood memory. I guess I was a bit crazy to flip to that page, and then look at it whilst working, when I was feeling really drowsy in the afternoon. Then again, who cares, cause it worked for me, and that's what matters. Too bad Geylang United didn't win last night though. Nevermind, I'll still be supporting Geylang United for the rest of this season! =) And in case you are wondering, yes, THAT article is still on my table, at a place where I can see it when I look up.

(3) As I was helping these 2 blind men out of our building and into the cab this afternoon, a thought flashed acrossed my mind. Would I be a very different person today if I had followed Mrs Khoo's suggestion that I take up Social Work in university? Frankly, now that I look at it, I actually shudder at the thought. Still, I was happy to get the break to go down to servicing when Carina called me up to ask about something, relating to these blind men. And the tinge of happiness when helping the men out of the building, down the stairs, opening the taxi door and helping them in. It's been such a long while since I could feel, and it so reminded of the first time I realised how true the Chinese proverb "zhu ren wei kuai le zi ben" was. Perhaps there's still a tiny tinge of niceness hidden within me? I don't know.

(4) Again related to point 3, I guess I'm quite a creature for familiarity. When I went downstairs, past the door at the reception and into the servicing staff area, the safeness and familiarity made me suddenly feel at home. I was even happy to speak a bit to the customer. I'm not sure whether it has something to do with my 'buddies' at the reception, but in any case, I really do enjoy my stint as a receptionist. Well, minus the interacting with a large number of stupid bums there, of course. I don't know if it was just out of professionalism, but I could generate the bright smile and chirpiness for a full 9 hours at reception. I wonder where all that energy went.

(5) Dinner. Was supposed to have tuition today, but in the end, I forced myself to stay behind to start on something. Not that I want to, of course. And actually, I was supposed to have dinner with Sihao, but somehow I didn't have his home number, and I presumed his handphone number should have been cancelled by now, so I couldn't confirm with him. (Sihao, if you are reading this, I'm so sorry!) In the end, dinner was with Mr Chan, and unsurprisingly, of course, we had Japanese food. Too bad Mr Tan couldn't join us.. (Ehz.. who did you call 'the not-adorable one' in Mr Chan's sms? And I STILL remember that you didn't save my office number.. Haha) The apple dessert was nice, though it wasn't as nice as the one I had with Adrian at Waraku (hear that, Mr Tan? hee..) But Mr Gary Chan, you could have made dinner a lot nicer if you had made the effort to be more polite and more "politically correct" whenever you were referring to me, right?

That's basically the 5 things for today. Somehow even though I was supposed to list only, the elaboration just made this entry look so awfully long again today. Meisi's birthday is coming in another 4 days time. I'm still thinking of getting her the Jay Chou's cd. Should I? It'll be even better if Jay Chou were in Singapore, because, I would gladly get him to autograph the CD for her. Meisi, get well soon, k? I miss you!

And before I end off and crash into bed.. Somehow the people around me aren't very happy lately.. Just in case any of you need, here's something for all of you who need this:-

HUGZ!!!!!! =)

PS: This is just a reminder that a certain Mr LwW~ has promised to film himself drinking water using a 葱 and send this footage to me in December during the school holidays. --> I'm sure my sis would love to watch this too, right sis? =)

I LOVE YA!!!

I had almost started the day off reminding myself how irritating, whining and self-centred guys are. But something appeared in my mailbox that brought a huge smile to my face:

Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!! (My sis & her doll duck says thanks too!!)

I did tell you that my sis didn't need that THAT urgently, and that you can pass it to me when we next meet up, right?

Still, I was absolutely thrilled to see the package and the letter. Simply cause it's from you, one of my dearest dearest friend! I don't even need chocolates to get high, because just the sight of the parcel itself is sufficient to make me super high! (Hmm.. although I was really tired during tuition today, was nodding off so many time!! Sigh..)

By the way, my sis asks about the topic for your FYP. Do you need any help in researching anything?

And since your letter had a question on work, here's a photo of my work station, that I (boliao-ly) took yesterday:

Tidy? But my favourite box of biscuits is hide behind the photo! Hm..

On another note, I wonder how's Mr Chan's holiday.

Procrastinate

When you do not know what the future will hold, some tend to be hesitant to take the first step. But, if you don't take the first step, you'll never know what that particular future will hold.

It's been more than a month, and I'm still walking about the same square. Should I? Or shouldn't I? There are just too many things to think, too many people to watch out for, so much so that I'm still as unsure as ever.

Care to point me in one direction?

Memories

A friend of mine sent me these pictures a while ago. Just to prove a certain point.

To think I've more or less forgotten that I've made and sent this X'mas card many Christmas-es ago:

For a split second, these photos transported me back to the many many years ago, to the time when teleview was still in existence. The feeling of familiarity... the closeness that cannot be found on the net.. It's almost like a small neighbourhood where everyone knows almost everyone. Now that I'm still in contact with only LwW and egeus, I wonder how's everyone else doing..

Still, I'm really impressed LwW still has this card..

Hope everything will turn out well for you.. Cause you have been, and will always be, a really nice big brother to me =)

See-saw

It's so obvious that I haven't been blogging for so long that I actually typed the wrong password just now. Otherwise, I don't think it felt much difference. So far, only one person has complained about the lack of updates, which signifies how insignificant the readership of this blog is! Haha.. Just kidding..

The almost a month that I have not been blogging feels way longer than that. A lot of things have happened in the past month. But mainly, grandfather was hospitalised, and at one point in time, he was in the ICU even.

I guess too many things happening at a time just took a toil on me. Thankfully though, I've my bunch of supportive friends.. Thanks, I really really LOVE you guys... and then, there're people whom I not that close to.. just like Sion Yoong's simple sms asking how I've been.. to think I was really touched by that simple gesture.. I'm even very thankful to have Chee Min online to chat about certain stuff..

At the end of the day, just like what someone said the other day (can't remember who though), I'm really really lucky, simply cause I've a bunch of wonderful friends to dote on me..

If only work was equally perfect, I guess..

Somehow, trust between humans is such a delicate issue. Especially when there's some 'benefit' at stake. Maybe that's one other reason why I don't feel comfortable being in a large place, perhaps.

Still, thankfully, even though there are crappy days, somehow peripheral matters always seem to pop up to blow away the grey clouds. Just like this week's lunch with Qien, or the lunch with some of the Rodyk pupils from my batch. Or the dinner with Adrian yesterday, especially.

Time doesn't stop for anyone. Just like it's only a few months since pupillage ended, but so much has changed, and for one, it made not staying there not too bad. It's just like how I was so thrilled at running into my pupil master a few weeks ago, in sub-courts no less, and even wished I could follow him into chambers once again. Even though I had to skip the lunch with some of my colleagues here (people I didn't really mind lunch with), THAT chance meeting was worth way more. To think a few months ago, I was still upset, but.. at the end of the day, my pupil master will always be someone I looked up to.

Thankfully though, despite not really keeping in contact with Adrian, we still had much to say. Or perhaps I was the really talkative one. Just imagine how we were the last to leave the restaurant and could still chat all the way to the train station! That really provided the sweetest end to an awful day! =)

Strained? Drained?

National Day today. Somehow, this feels like the worse National Day ever.

Was volunteered for the National Day observance ceremony yesterday. Midway, a particular Tamil song brought back memories of the Cebu trip. How we spent hours in the guys room deciding on the multi-language songs and how we practised. How none of us knew an entire Malay song and so ended up singing our school song instead.

Yes, and Meisi was a part of those memories too.

How many people can be part of a celebration, but end up trying hard to hold back tears? Silly me did, and my tears really threatened to flow, even after the whole thing ended.

And later the evening, I got home early, hoping to catch up on my rest since tuition was cancelled. I didn't, cause I was greeted by the news that grandpa fell and was warded. So off I went to NUH. You know, for 23++ years, wai gong has never told me about life in the past. Yesterday was the first time he talked so much.

Think the drain-ness was evident when I just fell asleep on the couch and didn't want to get up at all..

And then, just now, dad smsed me to say that grandfather is in a critical condition in ICU..

If there is a almighty being out there who can control our destiny, can you please not take anyone who means something to me away from me? Please? At most, if you don't, I promise to be a good girl and not quit? I don't mind being stuck in a work place that I dislike, or get any trashy stuff from any of those bitches in exchange for you protecting everyone who means something to me. Can? Please?

Taking things for granted

Visited Meisi this evening. Think I'm just dumb to be really dumbfounded when Meisi's mum asked me to just talk to Meisi. Maybe I think too much about not wanting to say inappropriate stuff. Maybe I'm just not used to talking. Whatever the case, I just kept quiet most of the time, as usual.

All of us do take things for granted. How many of us actually think about what would happen if things change suddenly. Just a little while ago, I suddenly thought of the last dinner I had with Meisi when I got her to be my character witness, to sign my form F for my call. At that time, both of us were looking towards the future. Meisi talked about how another hospital was inviting her to join them. We were talking about pay, increment and working environment as a whole. How she enjoyed working at Gleneagles. Then, the next time we met so that she could sign another 2 copies, she was home late after an operation. Even at 10.30pm or so, bleary-eyed, she still came down and we chatted once again about jobs and how enthusiastic she was, as usual, about the details of work.

Who would expect the matters that were to come?

Looking at her lying in bed today, I really miss the Meisi who used to take the same bus to and fro RGS. How we could talk non-stop for entire bus journeys etc, even if we hadn't seen each other for a long time.

I don't know if she really did recognise me today. But when I saw her eyes following the sunflower plush I bought after I mentioned it to her, it just felt good. And when I touched her hands, I could feel her grasping my hand, even if it were not a firm grip, but just a really weak one. But that was already sufficient for me to feel glad.

Still, being the horrible person that I am, I'm still not able to exercise my brain and open my golden mouth. Actually, there are a lot of things that I would want to say.. things like, "Meisi, you can do it! You'll come out of all these even stronger" or "You know, I'm really glad to have you throughout my growing up years.. 16 out of 24 years.." Basically, the Yaofang just doesn't know how to say anything that shows her emotions... Horrible right?

Perhaps it sounds silly, but I'll still gladly go to the temple more often during lunch hours, take more vegetarian food or any silly actions that might help, so long as you'll get well... Know why? Cause you'll always be my friend.. Just like how we used to write the cliche and goosebumps inducing phrase 'Forever Friends'....

Trust and Truth

What is it that makes one person confide in another? Trust? So how do we figure out whether we trust this person or not?

There's no way one can come up with the perfect checklist of what makes a person trust another, or not for that matter. It's just like how my other 19 colleagues and I survived through our team excellence training last Thursday and Friday too.

It's interesting or perhaps weird how you can not really know a person but you could still allow yourself to trust that person. At least I did, and hopefully, my gut feel will not be wrong. I can't explain why I would choose to get Chee Min's opinion when I don't know him at all. In any case, being sleep deprived today was kind of worth it, since whatever Chee Min said (or rather typed) proved to be useful catalyst to help me decide what I wanted to do. Chee Min, thanks very much for your 2 cents worth!

On the same note too, THANKS GARY!!!! Some of the stuff you said were more than over sufficient to make me super touched. I don't think I would need your offer, but you know what? YOU'RE GREAT!!!! (hahaha... don't cringe!!)

Still on the same topic, I don't understand why I can deem someone as one of my most important friends, yet at the same time, not trust him sufficiently to tell him what's going through my mind now. Perhaps it's just the shadow left behind from all your 'cold water' in JC? Or rather, more accurately I think, it's just that we're a bit like strangers now, so much so that I don't know how to whine to you already. But, I really don't mind turning back time for just a day, just to experience the bus rides and the chats we had both on the bus and at the bus stops once again. I'm beginning to miss that friendship forged in JC again....

You know you've grown older when...

you flip the papers and see the secondary school seniors you've more or less lost touch with.

Still, it feels good to see Yiting's photo in the papers especially since I've no idea how she's been ever since Channel U (at least the Channel U that I preferred) ceased. And the best part was, there was MingRong's face in the papers too..

Familiar and comforting faces... A good way to start the day

Does bunch of positive feedback and one negative feedback make the class good?

Just came back from a torture camp. Ok, it wasn't that bad, with the friends I had/made. The night was fun when the bunch of us went out for a walk on our own, and when Derek and Guohui came to Mariah and my room to watch tv and chew on snacks. But no matter what, I just can't stand horrible trainers. And they are REALLY THAT bad..

And then, I checked my email just now, and some stupid asshole sent that reply to my manager. Oh... only your new staff gave a negative feedback. The rest gave the course 3 and above, so there wasn't anything wrong with the course. Fine! You can't be bothered to read my feedback, will you just go to hell?

I really really really do hate the place a lot... REALLY... and there's still 1768 more days to go. Can someone just kill me to end my misery? Better still, can there be some mishap in the building so that it's THEM who killed me?

What kind of friend are you?

Actually, the question I posed to Kum Fu in the wee hours of this morning was more of.. Am I a mean person? Other than the 'No la' he didn't type anything else even after I typed a longer continuation for that.

Frankly, I think he forgot the photograph incident when he answered my question. Either that, or he was way too busy with his work to really think before answering such mundane questions.

Yes, I admit I can be cold and distant, in fact, for people who know me better, I am extreme. Distant is just but a way of self-protection. Letting others know too much is so much akin to handing the other person a knife. When you least expect it, you'll realise the stab on your back.

Perhaps I'm just exaggerating. The feeling of wanting to wipe something off the memory is not that nice. Partitioning, segregating and erasing. The end result is a blank part in your own history. That's not something to be proud about, but it's something like a much needed operation. No one would want to undergo amputation, but amputation cuts short the infection and in the long run, it may be a necessary evil. Isn't it the same as a memory wipeout?

Maybe I just enjoy being harsh to myself huh?

Then again, this long overdue reformatting is necessary and will not be missed. Just as what the last incident demonstrated, the allegiance would not be on my side anyway.

Does that matter? In a way, the real me says 'yes'. But in the long run, 'no'.

In any case, I'm so glad my dearest friend is back in Singapore again!! Welcome back!!!! Ehz.. I really miss having you in Singapore, ok? No doubts about it!!! Just before I die of exhaustion, I'm so looking forward to our dinner appointment weeks down the road!!!

Sentosa training tomorrow. 2 days stuck with OTHER people. Sigh... No my favourite box of biscuits to stare at too.. Sigh (x2)..

Oh, I saw the email Vincent sent me whilst cc-ing it to the 2 general managers! Compliments for finding mistakes in the Acturial department's Maths calculation. =) This should be the second time CTS is seeing compliments about me! From 2 different managers/supervisors from 2 different departments! =)

Personal preference?

Left my place feeling trashy today. Thought the day would be so, but I couldn't have been more wrong.

Had an unexpected company on the train today. It's been like a million years since I've heard from Geng Sheng. And there he was, right at the door.

Was I close to him back when I did relief teaching? Actually, I don't think so. But somehow, the chanced encounter still managed to chased away the dark clouds when a lot of other things couldn't. Don't ask me why.. Cause I don't know? But.. it's just a very comfortable feeling.

Was almost dozing off at work today whilst looking through the documents. Then, I suddenly decided to check the equation they had on the document (which according to Vincent and Dharmendra, I didn't have to.. Or in Dharmendra's words, it's spoiling the market) Somehow, that made me super awake, the part when I was trying to substitute the values and trying to figure out what was wrong with the equation. Perhaps I really do prefer Maths a lot more to English huh?

Had dinner with Peiqi at some Korean restaurant in Chinatown. Blogger doesn't seem to want to let me upload the photos, so well... photos another day then..

Gosh.. I'm so tired! I wonder how Kum Fu can stand working till past this late so often..

On another note.. heard from Shujun who heard from someone else that Meisi's operation was a success! Yay!!!!!! Though we don't have much of an idea how she is. Mental note: Shall use my lunch to visit her next week. Hmm... and do I look like I've such bad memory? Else why should Peiyi be so surprised that I could actually recognise her and remember her name? She's one of the 3 people who was my classmate for all 6 years during primary school! And we were even in the same CCA for a year too! In fact, I rememebered that fact way before I realised that Shujun is another who was my classmate for 6 years.. Hmm....

Oh, and I pity Jeremy who still has to hear that I'm in a not-so-cheery mood, and never once did he questioned me the cause. Thanks for offering me your ears just in case I'm feeling down.. and letting me be the little girl for the time being even though I am supposed to be more of an older sister to you.

Happy Birthday, Guoxing!!!!!

Last year, I was 23 hours 59 minutes late. Or something like that.

This year, I'm not late.

Happy birthday, Guoxing! My dearest dearest grandfather!!!!!

Despite all the times since we've graduated from NJC that you've jumped to conclusions instead of listening (at least not totally) to the things that make me feel down, the things that bother me.. Despite irking me unknown number of times for that..

You're still one of the reasons why me ending up in NJC was a good twist of fate.

For without being forced by circumstances to be in NJC, I would not have made a friend who used to be emotional but was a good listener. A friend who gave me the first soft toy (actually not very soft.. I think) that I would bring every where around school. A friend who would let me bully him into calling him 'grandfather'. A friend whom I could write numerous letters to, at least back in JC. A friend who showed that Newton's third law could apply to friends cheering each other on. A friend who would complain about how he can never stand my habit of keeping unhappiness to myself, in a bid to make me open up. A friend who would cycle to school with 6kg worth of newspapers just because my class wanted to win some competition, even if we happened to disagree over something the night before. A friend who would go to the sand pit early in the morning to help me get some sand cause my class thought we needed it for our 5 stones making competition and I couldn't collect cause I would always be just on time for class. A friend who remembers what was said and would shower loads of concern, just like a grandfather would. A friend who nags so much that it'll be hard to imagine he's merely a few months older than me. A friend whose birthday sms could make me touched to tears on one of my hatest days of the year. A friend whose card, though filled with insults, could make me break into a smile despite a bad week. A friend who may not always be there when all is well, but will definitely go all the way out to be there when needed.

Yes, you're all that, and perhaps more. So, you know what? On this special day of yours, I just want to loudly exclaim on this blog:

HAPPY 24TH BIRTHDAY, GUOXING!!!

May you always be as happy as you are now, not to mention healthy too, yah, soon-to-be PE teacher?

And... thanks for being one of my most treasured friends (yes, even if I can't stand you at times =p )

Moody-for-the-umpteenth-time Yaofang

I hate changes, especially when you take something I like, change it without me knowing and expect me to be fine with it. The stubborn me will rather torture myself than accept, cause in case you don't know, I hate losing my comfort stuff.

Just like I don't understand why the hell I had to go look at some other website. You may think you are being perfectly nice, but no, you aren't. Then again, I don't have a right to tell you what to do, but from my point of view, it irks me. Like how I've described myself one paragraph earlier, when I say I'm dumping something, I mean it. Whatever you type just affects my mood, and heightens my pissability.

And then, I think trainings and I are highly incompatible. Especially when you ask a bunch of old assholes to lecture. One supposed retiree turned it into a show-off session and a history lesson. You said you are a retiree, so GO STAY AT HOME! What right do you have to hint that RI will get rights over everyone else? YOU STUPID OLD MAN HAVE NO RIGHT TO CRITICISE RAFFLESIANS! And then, the last session was another idiot asshole. What WITs training? The stupid HR personnel might as well call it a marriage counselling session... Oh, that's before his 'political commentary'. What 'emotional adultery is when you confide in someone from the opposite sex more than you do to your spouse' or 'marriage is not about looking at each other but looking ahead' or 'a good spouse is someone who can make a good parent, not just some love cause that's infatuation'. The best part was his irritating story, the moral of which I concluded was, it's wrong to lunch with the opposite sex. WHAT THE HELL DO THESE HAVE TO DO WITH WITS? You deserved to be complained against, so too bad, I complained to my manager who then complained to HR. I hate the company, especially the awful training they provide.

Then, my meeting with Vincent. Now I know what that dumb ass CC meant when she mentioned the 6 months review. WHAT?!? You congratulated me on me joining legal, but you FORGOT to tell me that it's a 6 months attachment to Legal, and if any other departments require me, you'll post me there. CC, may you trip over the stairs and lose your memory! This is not like the first time you are giving me crap.. 2 years to give me a bloody stupid reply. What 1-4-14 rule in the company? It doesn't apply to you is it? Can you just go to hell?

I'm sorry about the not-so-nice language. Just that after containing all these emotions in me for a day, I just had to let it out. Without ending up in tears.

But at least I had my 'table decoration' -- my Hei Bai Pei!! Just a look at it can make me smile and make things feel not THAT bad afterall. And I brought the mug from a person I do not really want to see around and left it on my table. In a way, that cup made me feel safe too. Perhaps even though it was a slipshod present, it was still a present from that mattered. Now what I lack is just 5R and 4R photoframes, and to colour photocopy my JC photos. Then I can surround myself in happier stuff. Call me super untrusting, but no way am I going to bring my comfort duck-ies and bear-y to work, cause I don't think they're safe in my office. (How else do you think I want to photocopy my photos instead of using the ones I have?)

Nespray, I wonder if you've seen the cybercard I've sent you. =(

Weiguang, thanks for the biscuits. I don't know how I'll get through the day without it. And.. I'm not eating it cause it's my comfort deco =)

You know you're happy when...

This photo would more or less summarise how I'm feeling right now.

Were the biscuits meant to be some sort of reassurance? I don't know. But you know what? In any case, I was still quite touched. You remembered!! THANK YOU, WEIGUANG!!

Feels like I haven't been THIS relaxed in a long while. Or rather, I haven't laughed as much in one evening in a long while. I truly truly enjoyed it, even though we were taking photos a lot more than anything else:

Didn't get any picture of Gary taking photos. What a waste. Still....

Actually, I haven't really seen Weiguang really smiling before. Not that he doesn't ever smile, but today's smile is just... a lot more natural...

So, if I really do have to really record my birthday wishes... It'll be that Mr Sunflower always smiles as brightly as the sunflower! =) [Seriously though, I really so don't like or rather feel weird about having my voice recorded.. ]

Missing you...

Does the Yaofang now smile more fakely and less sweetly than the past? When looking at my JC class photo just now, my mum commented that my smile was so much sweeter then.

Somehow, I seem to reflect alot at night. Had the sudden urge to colour print some of my JC photos and stick them up all around my table...

Thank you, Gek Koon!!!!

During my one hour stroll home today, I heard this song on the radio, and the first person I thought that fitted this description was you..

<<知己>>
喜欢你的脸　像天使那么动人
用微笑遮盖　心中所有泪痕
我看到你　孤单自己平衡　你让我心痛心疼

喜欢你的人　那么真那么诚恳
阳光的笑容　温暖受伤的人
勇敢的你　却独自抚平伤痕　
你给我友谊的真

感谢你　
聆听我的孤寂　陪我一同哭泣
让我不害怕　那落幕后的空虚
我的心　终於寻得知己疼惜

感谢你　
看出我的孤寂　让我放心哭泣
让我不害怕　那不被了解的苦
我的心　站在舞台为你跳舞

冷酷世界　虽然风雨从不停
但我拥有你　我的心再也不下雪

The bold part especially. Thank you. I feel so much better today after talking to you. Thanks for always being able to cheer me up, to side me even though I sound like a brat.

Thank you, Gek Koon!

Happy Birthday, my dearest little sister!

Shan't sing the 'cute' birthday song I recorded for you last year.. but still,

Happy birthday my little piggy sister!!! =)

Hope you like your present and birthday cake! =)

A break for a day!

It's been a long time since I've actually had the opportunity of not working at all for the entire day. The feeling of lazing in bed, or going with mum to the supermarket, reading the papers in the afternoon is bliss when you've not had the chance to do that in a long time.

On my way to the train station yesterday, I bumped into 2 JC students. They were from 2 different JCs and it just reminded me of someone. Then at the supermarket today, I heard a song that reminded me of you too, simply cause those lyrics appeared in one of the letters you wrote during the run up to A levels.

I almost smsed to ask how you've been, whether you've started on your IA. Of course I didn't. As I've said before, you are no longer my friend, yah? And it's not very difficult to find out about you without asking, cause all I have to do is to glance at your 'infoboard' online. Not that I look at it often nowadays though.. but you know what?

I still get pissed looking at it.

I can see everything is back to normal for you, everything is nice and happy already right? Or perhaps everything that you've complained off was just pure exaggeration, not really lies, but not totally true either. So now that things become fine for you, you no longer need the person who's nice to use when you're down isn't it? When I compare you with another secondary classmate of yours, I would say that even if he has changed a lot, when the need arises, he's still a true friend. Then again, it's unfair to compare the two of you, cause ever since we stopped being uniformed-students, I've learnt that you are not, and can never be a real friend, or, a friend in need.

I really really detest you.. and if I've a choice, I really don't mind deleting a certain part of my memory. Really. Even if your friend reads this and tells you about it, and knowing you, you'll probably be pissed, it's really no longer my problem. Cause I really do want to wipe out my memory.

Happy Birthday, Weiguang!

Somehow, I'm just dead sleepy so I'm not really going to blog about my day. Still, that doesn't mean I can't muster any energy to type the three most important word for today, especially since I didn't get to see the birthday boy in the end...

Happy Birthday, Weiguang!!

Actually, it feels weird calling you that.. I think I'm already too used to calling you Mr Tan, idiot (my endearing term.. haha), Mr Randall etcetc...

In any case, did you realise it's the 4th year I didn't get to see you for your birthday? And the dunno how many times you can't make it at the last minute? Actually, it doesn't really matter. The main point of the dinner was just to let you know that you (and your birthday) matters.. and since you are troublesome with your company... (I know, you prefer adorable gals for company, right? haha... though I can't describe Gary as that.. huh, Gary?? Haha)

Heard a song that had quite nice lyrics. In a way, it did remind me of you... and a few others.. So since I can't exactly dedicate this song... Err.. can I just dedicate the lyrics? (Though some parts are totally inapplicable lah...)

Am I blabbering rubbish? In any case, Happy Birthday, yah?

* * * * * *

一个像夏天一个像秋天
词: 姚若龙

第一次见面看你不太顺眼

谁知道后来关系那么密切

我们一个像夏天一个像秋天

却总能把冬天变成了春天

你拖我离开一场爱的风雪

我背你逃出一次梦的断裂

遇见一个人然后生命全改变

原来不是恋爱才有的情节

如果不是你我不会相信

朋友比情人还死心塌地

就算我忙恋爱把你冻结冰

你也不会恨我只是骂我几句

如果不是你我不会确定

朋友比情人更懂得倾听

我的弦外之音

我的有口无心

我离不开Darling更离不开你

你了解我所有得意的东西

才常泼我冷水怕我忘形

你知道我所有丢脸的事情

却为我的美好形象保密

* * * * * *

This lyrics remind me of 2 others... One of whom is somewhere in another country. Still so long before August gets near, and I miss having you in Singapore already! =(

On another note, someone told me he tendered his resignation about 6 weeks ago? At that time, he said he didn't want to work through the 2 months notice. Since then, I haven't really seen him online... If you do read this, at least let me know how you are now, k? In any case, you still owe me a meet up for lunch! =)

What the hell?

Which other bloody organisations have some head sending this? Just makes me hate you even more.

In case you're wondering, here's the email I received:

The Community Chest of Singapore was set up to raise funds for needy charities in Singapore. We support the SHARE program of the Community Chest. I wish to encourage all employees to participate in this program. Your contribution will bematched dollar by dollar by NI. I understand that you are currently a non-contributor. I encourage you to support this worthy cause, by contributing a modest sum of $3 amonth, or more.

And it was cc-ed to my ex-manager. Ex, cause I'm no longer in that department with effect from Monday. But, that ex-manager had to email me asking me if I have the form, and cc-ed it to my current manager.

If you want me to donate, you jolly well let me choose. The more you force me, the more I can't be bothered. And I so hate you! Yes, let me repeat on this bright Saturday afternoon.

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Service Evaluation..

After 3 days of running around Singapore (ok, maybe just 9 different places in Singapore) I'm actually feeling tired, even though work was relatively slack. Rather, let's put it this way:

I LOVE doing service evaluation!

Firstly, I get to move around instead of staying in the office. And then, there's no need to vie for a seat in the office, or get relegated to working from the pantry, or even getting pissed with those stupid people. Finally, there's also time to do things that I'll normally not get to do. Like meeting up with people.

First, it was Tee Meng. Was supposed to meet him for lunch last week, but then, there was Mr Yeo's birthday celebration cum department lunch. So, since there was time this week, I decided to meet up and have a teeny weeny bit more luxurious lunch, before I join Legal next week:

The irritating guy had to comment about how I seemed to be killing my food, and then take a photo of it.

Frankly, the lamb chop already had loads of sauce, so it wasn't my fault!

And then, the next day was highlighted by my much anticipated lunch with Gek Koon, since I was travelling to Yishun and Woodlands! THAT was a luxurious (given that it's during office hours!) lunch.. and I really doubt it'll happen ever again when I start on real work proper. Oh well...

Gek Koon refusing to let me take his photo during lunch

Finally giving up on avoiding my camera

Before I forget, I've gotten myself a new phone last week, after my Samsung one refused to cooperate for the umpteenth time. Shall fix that when the next pay comes up. For now, my poor friends have to bear with my photo-taking. That obviously includes the two "little kids" whom I enjoy being with most in servicing:

Jeremy.. He so doesn't look like he's 19 going on 20, right?

Shijun, the little kid, otherwise known as Yijun's brother, being forced to act cute. He too doesn't look any bit like he's 21 huh?

By the way, these photos are taken at the place where I normally do my work when I get displaced from any table. In fact, Jeremy is actually seated at THAT computer terminal.

Next week to Legal. I wonder what's install for me. Shall keep my fingers crossed.

In the meantime, I really hope Meisi's third operation will be a smooth one and she'll be on the road to recovery in no time!

Until I talk to you...

Do not talk to me, cause I may not really want to talk to you. I haven't figured out who's my friend and who's not.

Just as.. when I say I want to return something to you, it doesn't mean that I want to meet you again. It's just that I need to return something and I do not want to owe people something for way too long, even if you say I don't have to. Frankly, unless I have to be somewhere near your place, I really do not want to see you at all.

Grace asked if I'm alright. Frankly, no. Just that I don't have the habit of typing 'Yes' when asked. After being absolutely furious at work yesterday (I hate ALL Rainbow section staff) I'm now in anger stage 2, that is, absolutely no feeling. Or rather, cannot be bothered to feel.

Someone once sent me an sms when I was really really down.. He said something to the point that if I really want to practice someday, I can always break the bond and there's no point feeling frustrated. Somehow, when I was clearing my sms inbox (I normally don't.. until the phone memory is full..) I saw that and felt a teeny weeny bit better. Thanks ar..

I really do not need anyone to tell me that feeling unhappy is not right. I just want some form of comfort. But interestingly, different people have different ways of comforting, yet, I'll only accept some, even if they're basically saying the same thing. Biased me huh?

Happy 25th Birthday, Ian!

In the end, I still didn't manage to find my autograph book. No autograph book means no address. That effectively also means there's no way I can send my birthday greetings, since that's the only mode of contact I have too.

Whatever it is.. and wherever you are, since I've no way of sending you this, I'll just type it here:

Happy 25th birthday, the senior I look up to most!

Theoretically, you can't exactly count as a senior either. But yet, in my 2 years of JC, you're probably the senior who left the greatest impact. I still have that note you wrote and whenever I feel like shying away even though circumstances say that I shouldn't, I'll remind myself of that note and feel a tiny bit less scared. Just like how your optimism is infectious. Jut like last year, the day before I was to start pupillage at some place, I turned cold and ended up emailing you to get some comfort. I didn't expect you to reply, but you did. And it soothe my nerves, even if I left that firm within a few weeks.

Ian, thanks for making that effort to be a really really great senior, even though you didn't have to. Especially since you weren't from my senior class, nor my CCA, and even if it's just being a senior in school, that was merely for a month only. Seriously, all these years, I just want to say a huge THANK YOU personally, though I'll probably still be too shy to say that.

And of course, Happy Birthday, Ian!

How much do you mean to me?

That thought crossed my mind sometime last week. Basically, a lot of things have happened over the past few days. Or maybe, there weren't that many things, just that, one significant one simply magnified everything, making every thing else pale in comparison.

Meisi has been warded at Tan Tock Seng Hospital.

When I first received that sms from an unrecognised number (it belongs to Yueting, but I didn't have her number before that), I thought it was just some evil prank. Meisi? Can't be. And of course, it could also be because I didn't want to believe anyway. Still, I called back and the truth came crashing down.

Numb. That was the first feeling. Especially when I was doing a summary on wills and probate the entire afternoon. Not a very auspicious way to receive such news. But, that was the first time I've ever felt as if I've been rooted somewhere. Smsed Jo, Guoxing, June. But the feeling still didn't feel real. That feeling is best summed by what zipped through my mind. Not Meisi. No... I don't want to lose MY friend, a friend who grew up with me, who went through the same primary, secondary, JC and in a way uni with me. When Guoxing and I were in here room, that lump just formed in my throat. You know what? Still remember the dinner we had, when you reminded me to tell you my blog address when I see you online? I haven't had the chance to yet!

Thankfully, her condition has improved now and according to her mum, she might be undergoing her operation this Thursday. Just keeping my fingers crossed that there'll be no residue effect. Meisi, you'll be fine! I know you will!

On another note, I was quite pissed with Jo. She knew Meisi was hospitalised, visited her on Thursday, notified her friends but forgot to tell me. Why? Cause I'm not Meisi's friend? Or not amongst those whom she calls immediately?

Then again, it really doesn't matter. Had Guoxing there that day and frankly, I would say that Guoxing makes a better friend than Jo. Was standing between the two of them and when I felt faint, I actually felt safer telling Guoxing than Jo. That was also the day when the two of us really chatted. Seriously, it's been so many years since we've really done that. Just like what I've said that day, even though I would prefer the old Guoxing as my friend, I do prefer seeing the current more cheerful Guoxing. Contradictory but true. And you'll still remain one of my most treasured friends, even if it's many many years down the road. Even if you always complain that I don't tell you everything, but you're one of those I still enjoy chatting with. Real chat, and not those sound-creating sessions where both just talk and talk about nothing. Don't always jump into conclusions!

You know how different friends mean to you when you are cheered up even by a no-meaning sms. It's nice to see an sms from Itak da ge, especially after a day of hating the whole world of stupid people.

Was just wondering aloud earlier about whether stupidity can be diffused through air. Somehow I think my brain is degenerating. Perhaps I'm getting snobbish, but I just can't stand how certain people think and you know the feeling of you wanting to just give certain people a tight slap? I think a lot of people really need the tight slap.

Thanks to some of those irritating pests, I decided to see Salbiah, as she had told me last week. Going in to see her meant that I'll be posted to branches and next week being the last week of me being in Servicing, it's highly likely that it'll be these few days. True enough, I'll be going to Hougang branch on Monday and Tues, and then Tampines on Wed and Thurs. In a way, there's a part of me that doesn't want to go to these branches. Maybe cause it's Jeremy's last three days of work, and my last few chances of having lunch with my lunch buddy for the past almost one month. Wonder how I would have survived here without him to talk to, 'argue' with etc. Seriously, the snobbish me would have felt utterly miserable, I'm sure. But thanks to him, the not-appealing workplace seems so much better. In fact, I'll miss having him around come July. And I'm still feeling scared about going up to Legal, somewhat cause I'm just not confident. If only he temps till end July, then at least I've someone to whine to whilst I'm settling in. Oh well, I'm beginning to sound like the kid and not the other way round huh?

Universal Language

There are just certain topics which bind people together.

Soccer, for one. As I was walking back today, I noticed the coffeeshop downstairs was packed. If my memory doesn't fail me, the last time it was more packed than this was during elections, after the WP rally in Hougang to be exact.

And there's always babies/toddlers that unite people. Somehow, it seems like people just cannot resist the 'cuteness' of kids. Whilst on the train yesterday, I once again saw two families of strangers talking to each other only because this toddler started running to the other family.

Then again, not all kids are cute. Just like the bunch of noisy primary school kids on the train last Friday. They were shrieking at the top of their voices. The best part was, there (presumably) lousy teachers didn't even bat an eyelid. Hello?!? Can't your school afford some school bus so as to contain the noise pollution. Those high pitch screamings are just way too much for people knocking off after a tired day of work, k? And the running arounds.....

******

A good friend once commented that I don't know how to keep my friends. I can't remember whether I was irritated when I read that then, but I guess I did agree then and there.

So many years have passed. Somehow, I don't think I've gotten rid of that bad habit either. Just look at how my mum comments about me having "friends of the month" or something to that extent.

Perhaps it's just something that I've learnt from childhood, that is, to hide myself from everyone. So much so that if a person steps pass my line of comfort, I automatically back off. Either that, or I just don't have a habit of being close to anyone, just so that no one really knows me well enough.

Oh, and there's the last category. Those who have made me unhappy.

Am I that hard to please? Hmm... Then again, little things do make me happy too. Just like a certain one line on MSN from a schoolmate cum CCA-mate whom I'm not even super close to:

"hmm okie.. just don't let whatever is affecting you to affect you too much k? :)"

The guy who typed that, thank you!! Stupid as it sounds, that concern just made my day =)

Kick Off!!

World Cup kicked off last night. Now that I'm counting, this is the 4th World Cup that I'm aware of, the first being when I was a Primary 6 kid. Time flies huh? And it just shows how much more gimmicky the whole thing has become. Only so few matches would be shown on free-to-air TV. Idiots.

Been a few days since I've updated. I'm beginning to agree that sometimes life is just so much the same that you just not know what to type. The other reason could be there's nothing much to whine, so the need to type and vent is not great and so, I tend to procrastinate.

Work wise, it's still the same. I guess I just focus on providing decent customer service when I'm working and so, I don't really think about any other 'if only's. That is, when there are no events that arise to make me remember all the 'what if's. Of course, there are still a few on and off. When someone left only the cover page of Writ and I had to bring it up to Claims the next day. That stupid lady at the reception there had to complain and complain about how they can't do anything with the writ. And I was like, but you have the other party's law firm, the case number, the parties involved, we can just appoint the law firm and they can follow up from there. It's not like a writ contains that much detail in the first place. Yet, she yakked and yakked on and on, till I just wanted to give her a tight slap. Or that day when I had dinner with Weiling and she was talking about her experiences in chambers, her running into Vicky etc. Thankfully though, I'm no longer in the phrase where I miss pupillage everytime someone brings a writ and asks for directions.

I guess I'm way better than the girl I was in JC, but I guess it still takes a while for me to leave the envious stage. Or would I?

Had training yesterday and I absolutely abhor trainings, cause they simply irritate me. I hate people acting over enthusiastic about the company. As in, I can understand if one is raring to go in a new environment. But if you do go overboard, it feels all so fake!

And that stupid Sebastian. Can someone tell him the meaning of 'empty vessels make the most noise'? He irritates me to the core. Think you are very smart, go to the front of the classroom and then turn around and tell me at the top of your voice to stop using MSN? Shut up your stupid mouth! I'm not as dumb as you to not know how to use the net, or know that when the computer is slow, you should stop clicking and clicking non-stop since it does nothing but further slows down the computer. And why the hell would I know why the lawyer take the money and run away? I'm not him and I'm not a psychic. Like I've said on my MSN nick, I hate stupid guys especially when they talk a bit way too much for my liking. After all my cold replies, he still had no brain (oops, I mean no folds in his brain since everyone has brains, just that the number of folds determine your level of intellect) to understand that I didn't want to talk to him. And he blabbers and blabbers noise.

Ok, just like what I had on my nick, I'm just an obnoxious girl. But, I guess I'm just irritable cause I'm still not in the open up mode yet.

That aside, training was not too bad, given that I had motivation to finish all my modules asap (though I was still not fast enough) just so that I could drop by Arul Chew & Partners! Everyone still feels the same, Annie, Raji, Mr Arul, Mr Ling and Adrian! Mr Arul came out to chat and I sat down in Mr Ling's room for a chat too. Everything just feels so familiar and so nice. I wish I was still the year 3 undergrad doing attachment there. Somehow, even though I was super happy to see Adrian, it just feels as if we didn't really have much to talk about. Still, the visit really made my day! Even though I saw Aravind there too. Oh well, who cares. I really really miss being an attachee.. Just like I miss doing my attachment at Yeo Marini & Partners too. Even if I don't mention it at all. I really really miss being immersed in these law firms, doing anything.

I guess what makes me different from the 16+ year old me is that, this time round, I know that there are other things around to be thankful of, even if something doesn't go the way I want it to be. In fact, in life, you gain some and you lose some. Even at work, I may not be doing what I want to do, but at least, I'm happy in the environment, with some of the friends I had already known beforehand, and a new friend that I've made. And, certain friendships are still way precious than anything else.

Just like the dinner I had earlier this week and today. The food today was great, just as I enjoyed dining with my dinner company as much. Somehow though, we really didn't talk much right? And yes yes... I was late. It's just interesting how the same things can evoke different feelings and thoughts.

Oh, you know and the earrings, they remind me so much of Guoxing too. The two of you are the only ones who bought me non-clip-on earrings!! Still, they're pretty!!!!! Thank you!!!! =)

I so do NOT look like a Malay!

Argh... Do I look so not Chinese? Somehow quite a handful of customers came in, and started speaking to me in Malay. Otherwise, they ignored me and turned to Jeremy instead when they wanted to speak Mandarin. The best part? After serving one relatively elderly couple, the guy commented that my pronounciation was good, and asked where I learnt it from. I went like, but I AM A CHINESE! and pointed to my dog-tag.. oops.. I mean name-tag. They just went like, "Oh.. sorry.. but you look like a Malay!" Argh..... That's the reason why Nithi almost died of laughter today, and Jeremy had his chance to suan me a little bit. Grr...

Work was still enjoyable of course. And in order to wait for a certain Mr Chan for dinner, I actually worked till 6.45 or somewhere thereabout! So you see, I can still like what I do huh?

Someone is asking me if it's possible to sustain passion without sufficient reward. My view? No. Unless the passion is superbly strong of course.

Dinner with Gary was of course not bad! Though the food wasn't as great as I imagined, given how much Gary wanted to dine there. Still, it's not too bad, thought the dessert made me a bit high, and poor Gary had to tolerate my disgusting antics later. =)

Another lawyer seemingly ran away with client's money. Don't know why, when I saw PJ on the news, there was just a sense of comfort and familarity...

Continuing in the long marathon...

And so the jog continues. Only that this part of the race is physically torturous! Throughout the day, my toes hurt like never before and my ankle and calf feels like they're going to forsake me soon. And the worst part is, all these standing does nothing to weight loss. In fact, I think I gained even more weight than before!

Still, I really don't mind being a (in Dharmedra's words) overpaid and overqualified receptionist. The customers are generally nice and polite, with the exception of some stupid hateful ugly guy who scolded me. Oh, and he's a blind fellow too.. eyes pasted with too many stamps! He actually insisted that he wanted to see Jeremy, the manager! Even if I told him that Jeremy is not! See what I mean about dumbos? After all that, the assistant head and another came over to supposedly comfort me, but hey, since when did I look upset by those mad-dog blabberings? There were worse stuff when I was at Power Supply anyway. And, these people are just so fake. For the former, it's so evident that she's only nice to her own people. Whatever. Who cares about these fakes and hatefuls? As long as I do my job well, it doesn't matter what nonsense any of them come up with. Afterall, I just have to tolerate them for a month, and there are other colleagues and customers who make being at that department not too bad too!

Yes, almost every one of the customers were really nice. And sometimes, being a receptionist allows you to hear a lot of stories from people of all walks of life. For example, a guy came in today and as I served him, he started telling me about his son having run away. There was this little girl who was so super cute and wanted all the yellow mentos!

Seriously, being at the reception is really not bad.

Then again, work may have been not that painful, and a little enjoyable because of my 'manager'. Time passes so much faster when you have people whom you can get along with, talk to and bully throughout the day. Seriously, without Jeremy there, receptionist life would have been utterly unbearable. Since I've a friend there, who cares what nonsense I get from some others, right?

Shall be an even better receptionist tomorrow! If all else fails, there's always the dinner treat from Gary to look forward to! *beam*

On another note, it's high time I stop visiting some blogs. It's quite stupid when you know that a knife can harm you and you still go ahead and walk right into the blade. Since there are certain things I do not want to know, I should just not be bothered to read.

Tiring but Interesting Day!

Actually, the tiring part refers to almost the entire day of running here and there, whereas the interesting came from the last part. It's always the case isn't it? When something ends of nicely, what you remember is the end, and not the less than nicer parts of the day.

Watched a theatre performance at the Esplanade, thanks to Jeremy. Have you ever thought of a 'play' without actors and actresses? It was just comics and comics! That guy can really draw fast! And it was pretty good too.. (Definitely better than any of my drawings anyway). And somehow, it felt like his drawing speed matched the tempo of the music too! Only that there was little talking, and even if there were, it wasn't in English. That meant I had to read and read the words on the screen! Thankfully, the words were minimal too. There's something else I don't really understand too. The Esplanade is a place for both locals and foreigners to watch artistic performances, correct? So why are the seats so narrow? I'm sure the foreigners would have even more trouble sitting comfortably!

At the end of the performance, there was also some tea reception too. I never thought one can add jam into tea! Well at least we were told that we could, as well as adding that piece of lemon. The taste wasn't that much different from what we are used to, so I wonder what difference did the jam make. Well, other than turning my tea a little red.

Still, whether the evening was interesting depends a lot on the company too, right? Jeremy was great company, though I wonder if I over bullied him. But, he was fun to be with and talk to, and you don't really remember that he's way younger. As I was walking towards Marina Square just now, I realised he's of the same age as YuanXing etc. That made me feel super old again. Then again, he really doesn't talk like a kid. In fact, he's more matured than even some people of my age, maybe me included!

As anyone can tell, I did enjoy myself, even though I was dead tired from rushing here and there throughout the day, and not having really sufficiently rested from tiring Friday. At least, it brightened up the otherwise relatively gloomy week and made the week seemed not THAT bad afterall =)

1823

This so reminds me of Wu Qing Kang's book 2359. Think I finished the night book, but not the day one, since sis and I each took a book to read, and the one I had with me was the night one. Shall read that someday when I'm free.

Gary said that day, and then Koon last night, that I should try to think of something positive, so that I can survive through.. So, since I'll still be a receptionist at least for the next few days (I doubt it'll be the whole month) I might as well aim to be.. the MOST outstanding receptionist! Who cares about lousy irritating stupid colleagues?

That said, it's not exactly true that everyone of my new colleagues are lazy useless bossy bums or hateful dumbos (no, not idiots, cause idiots are reserved as endearing terms for my preferred friends, not people I hate). Apart from the friends I knew even before this (ie. Dons, Teck San, Legal people etc), yesterday wasn't that bad cause of my 'supervisor', this 'little' 19 year old boy. Ok, I guess Jeremy doesn't behave any bit like he's younger than me. On the contrary, he feels older than me. The day always seem to not be as awfully long when you have people whom you can chat with, or rather, people you prefer chatting with. Perhaps I'm just a stuck-up obnoxious one, but it's really nice to have Jeremy at the reception! Even if Jeremy doesn't see this, I still want to say a huge 'Thank You!!!!' for making my day, and of course, to prevent me from strangling some stupid colleagues, otherwise I'll need to employ Kum Fu after just a mere 2 days of work! =)

In line with my aim to be the most outstanding receptionist, I should also dress smartly, even if standing for so many hours kills my feet. And so, I went out shopping for shoes today! Two pairs of high non-chunky heels (though not high enough, in my own opinion), one pink and one black. I still need another white one! Actually, trying to dress smart affects my wallet most! Argh, I'm poor again! Wonder when Rodyk will send me my cheque for PLC fees..

To the gal who was apologising furiously on your blog. Actually, I was quite pissed that day, because of work and because my friend asked me again. Otherwise, I'm not that badly pissed now, so don't worry! Just needed an outlet to vent, and blogs are the most useful without hurting others, at least I think so.

Sometimes, time really changes a lot of opinion. Do you think that by 'meddling' in the affairs, you're actually helping? Perhaps you are, to the other party. But you just make me hate you even more. I guess I'm just easily jealous, but you know the feeling that a friend doesn't really care about you or rather cannot be bothered, but seems to be more concerned about another? You just gave me that feeling again. Much as I said I cannot be bothered again, it's still not a nice feeling, and you just make me hate you even more for making me unhappy. Next time if you want to contact me for anything other than for yourself, maybe you just shouldn't? Cause my immune system can only take that much, yah?

Things to look forward to next week: Better performance as receptionist on Monday, Tuesday dinner with one of my dear friends, and training at International Plaza on Friday! I sure hope we don't have to go back to work after training (which is probably so, given that the course supposedly ends so close to knock-off time). Let's see, I may then get to pop by Arul Chew and see Adrian and Annie? I guess lunch would probably be with my other colleagues (cannot be anti social) otherwise, I can ask either of them out for lunch, or even my cousin! Can't remember which building he works in though. Hmm...

PS: Haven't seen another dear friend online in a while, or rather, haven't really had the chance to really chat with him. Despite me whining and whining like a spoilt brat, I didn't overlook your less-than-happy mood too, k? Since I can't type this directly to you, I just hope things have improved. A person's talents do not vanish into thin air. Once a while, they're just hidden amongst other things. I'm sure that's the case for you, so don't despair. In any case, just remember there's always the most adorable innocent likeable little one here (that reminds me of Jeremy's sms today.. he actually described himself as 'the one and only intellectually brilliant'.. Maybe he doesn't behave that old.. haha) will always be around to cheer you on whenever you need, k? *hugz* =)

Where is the more optimistic Yaofang?

Gary, thanks so much for the dinner company today. Is this the most complainy session you've had with me? Or am I always so whiney? In any case, thanks for the company, and for remembering and smsing, including that sms slap, which I think I needed =)

Just like, thanks Weiguang! Thanks for smsing me early in the morning, should be around the time you start work for the day right? Thanks for being the first to sms and figuring that I needed that assurance, without me asking for it. It may not be alot from others' point of view, but I really needed something to make me feel better. Thank you.

Cherissa too. It's not like I know her very very well, but she remembered that I was starting work today and sent me a cheery sms so that I could start my day on a positive note.

Weiguang and Gary, thank you thank you very very very much. I really really love the 2 of you.. Thanks for always smsing/calling/chatting at the very moment when I needed the 2 of you. Thank you!

For the rest, don't ask me about my day, ok? Depending on your importance to me, you'll either get a reply or you don't.

On another note though, I'm really glad to have Chee Min online now. Perhaps what I need is not cheering up, but just a nonsensical talk crap session, so that I'll forget what was bothering me. I'm sure that meano won't believe me, but seriously, thank you!

Another note, Gary said to look for positive things.. And I just found one. It was great to have Dons around to talk to, since I know him before all these and we didn't have to indulge in those fake chats. It was great bumping into Teck San too. Familiar faces are always wonderful to have =)

Finally, I really hate going after people for my stuff. I try not to do that because it just doesn't feel nice and I normally trust the other party, but when I need it to lend somebody else, sometimes, you ought to be a bit more zi dong right? Especially when the other party said she'll be zapping. Don't tell me it takes years? I am pissed.

More...

I guess I do recover quite quickly. I'm actually fine now. Maybe some Ian effect did rub off on me. Of course, and Beatrice's efforts at chatting with me too helped a lot too. It's always in the least obvious places that you get the most comfort. So..... thanks Beatrice!

Lunch today was with a group of unlikely lunch companions. Actually, I don't know what came over me to make me ask to meet them both (I mean two of them) other than the fact that I just wanted to pass whatever that was for them to them. Not that I really regretted though, cause it wasn't that bad, in fact, it was.. relaxing (with the minor exception when we had to walk past Paul whilst walking to the Vietnamese restaurant). But I really really enjoyed myself, so thanks Beatrice, Chee Min and Clarissa!

Talking about my lunch companion reminds me of something that someone said yesterday:

"you always try to avoid when it's me, beatrice and chee min"

Frankly, I don't. But come to think of it, I guess I might feel out of place too, if I tried. Perhaps I just really don't blend in well when there are too many people.

Wonder if Itak da ge is still in Singapore. Maybe I should just 'bug' him for some reassuring words. I'm sure he'll be able to come up with some to make me feel much better too. See what I mean about Yaofang being a huge brat?

Care to lend me some optimism?

Exactly 1 year and 15 days ago, I was in a super scared and uncertain state. The first person I thought of to email to was this senior. I didn't expect a reply from him, since he wasn't really that much of a senior, but he did anyway, and somehow it reassured me a little.

Fastforward to now. Ian, wherever you are, can I borrow your limitless optimism? Your way of looking at things in a positive light? Somehow I think I went overboard in making myself cheery, to the point that I'm losing control of myself. And then now, I'm just feeling awfully scared, upset whatsoever. Perhaps I didn't really change that much from the supposed shy person you thought I was. I still don't feel comfortable mixing with strangers and don't like to face the unknown. I don't want my lao ban or my colleagues for that matter to realise that what they think of me is simply a facade, that I'm actually quite dumb and slow. In the first place, a part of me still doesn't want to face reality, doesn't want to turn up in Income and just wants to run away. Perhaps the grass is greener on the other side, maybe that's why I really really really want to do something else even though the outcome may be better. I know you've told me that so long as one can find one positive aspect in the job, that aspect will sustain the person, somehow it doesn't seem to work on me. How? I just feel very very helpless.. you know, like someone trying to clutch on to some straw in the sea. I don't even know why I'm feeling this scared, reluctance now. If only there's some way to get you, so that you can still drop some words of wisdom and allow some of your cheerfulness to rub off on me.

Sounds quite useless right? Hmm... and even though Weiguang once said I'm relatively independent, I don't think I am now. In fact, can I borrow a hug from someone?

***Later***

Is it that hard to reassure someone? Actually, all I needed was just someone to just type the word *hug*... somehow it seems difficult huh? Even when I actually asked someone who used to be always able to reassure me whenever I asked..

What makes some best friends whilst others not?

You know you were super tired when you typed a post, and then re-read it a few hours later, and realise it simply does not make much sense.

It's just the same as doing any piece of work, just like the analogy I used about a spring. Maybe you're just over-stressing yourself, like what I've said yesterday, you'll be generating great work in no time, just cause I believe that you can. Have more faith in yourself, and don't pile too much pressure on yourself!

******

Was discussing this with Koon that day whilst waiting for Weiling. It started off with me commenting how 2 friends in his faculty, one having made me very hurt before and another not, yet how I still regard the former as a good friend whom I would go all out to protect whereas I'm not so nice to the other.

Friendship, like many other things involving feelings and opinions, has really no basis. It's just like, why do you like certain food and not others? You really can't explain such stuff, right?

It's the same as how friendship just suddenly becomes bland too. Of the four people I trusted most in JC, only 2 remains amongst those I consider to be my most important friends. Perhaps when I wanted to put an end to the friendship earlier this year, I really managed to, finally, this time round. It's weird how you just can't make yourself go into the can't-be-bothered mode for so many years, and then suddenly, you are able to do it. No reasoning, no basis.

Which brings to mind something Guoxing asked the other day. Did I take up law for the sake of the monetary returns? You should know that my answer would be no, right? But it's just a not-so-nice feeling when you see everyone running ahead of you and you're still struggling behind.

Or maybe I've just changed over the years, huh?

Little Things that Make You Happy

Finally, Income has gotten back with whatever they were supposed to confirm. To those who are still clueless by now, yes, I'm starting work this Thurs. My first month would be at Field Servicing (ie. customer service) before I'm transferred to Legal for good, or at least for the entire 6 months of the review. The pay is low, but, at least it's above what I thought they would give, so I'm not really upset. Or perhaps it was all the other tiny things that made me happy, so much so that, this lower pay really didn't make much of a difference.

The late buffet lunch yesterday was also great! Like what I've repeated a million times (Koon actually said I'm usually naggy. WHAT?!?) it's not the food but the company that counts. And any meal taken with any of my good friends is good, even if the food is bad. And then, Over the Hedge was hilarious (though it was marred by phone callS for me). So it was laughing and laughing for that entire hour, or sort of.

Don't know if Gek Koon noticed, but yesterday's conversation was rather different from our usual conversation. As in, instead of talking about school life, looking back at the past, it was more of talking about present as well as thoughts. It's actually a not bad feeling, as in, even though such topics are 'heavier' but, they're way more real. Then again, maybe it's usually my fault, since I'll normally have a habit of steering clear of the 'my thoughts, my feelings' kind of topic.

Actually, I was supposed to meet another person yesterday for lunch, but I didn't in the end, cause I was busy copying something and watching something else on another computer, and would probably have ended up late. I guess sometimes, the way you put something across does make a difference. As in, if he didn't make himself sound like a super busy person who had better things to do, I would have put in more effort in order not to be late. Haha... excuses again, but yes, I was already quite put off since, hey, it's not like I'm dying to have lunch with you either.

Ok, enough of that nonsense. In the end, I'm still glad I didn't bring the anger to sleep, else I would probably not be able to sleep well. Sometimes, 'resolving' matters feel a lot better. Actually, I really hate people to ask me if I'm angry. As in, if you can tell, fine. If you can't figure out, that's your problem. But I can't believe I actually replied in the affirmative. Then again, at least it got my point across, and admitting that I was angry did cause the irritated feeling to dissipate. Though seriously, can the person stop saying that I didn't take the photo because I didn't want to? If you didn't read the portion in that entry that was meant for you, that's your problem! Stop putting words in my mouth! Grr...

That said, that's one little tiny happy thing too (as in the no-longer-feeling-bad-and-not-pissed-off part)

And of course, JianPing is back in Singapore!! That concludes another countdown of mine, and that's another cheery event too, right?

See what I mean about little things adding together to make you happy? Maybe it sounds dumb, but there's no need for big big happy events to bring some sunshine into the day, at least not mine. Even simple things like talking to friends who matter to me is enough =)

PS: I'm still in the process of delivering all the things that I've bought from Taiwan, so erm.. so those who're still waiting, hold on for a while, k? Especially since I'm so good at procrastinating. Oh yes, and Gary, you still haven't told me about your new job!

It's great to be back!

It's really really good to be back, even though I was away for less than a week! The moment the plane touched down in Changi, there was just this unexplanable feeling of safeness and this smile within me. This, despite me loving my country as much as I used to, or how disappointed I am with a country that doesn't love its citizens as much as it should. Can still remember the time when we came back after 10 days in Cebu, how excited and hyper the whole bunch of us were, to the point that someone remarked that we should all pretend that we were from China, given how weirdly excited we were to be in Changi Airport and how we were crazily snapping photos here and there. We even took a neoprint, with me putting my soft toy cat in my blazer pocket.

Anyway, I guess I just like the safeness I feel here. Maybe that's the reason why I should just on a holiday by myself in future. I guess even though I don't mind looking after others, at the end of the day, I still like someone else to look out for me too, if I'm not out alone. Perhaps being the one who does everything, yet at the same time feeling as if I'm on my own just took a toil on me at the end of the trip. That's perhaps why I still love my Cebu trip, or Beijing trip so much, because it wasn't so much of one person looking after everyone, but more of everyone looking after everyone (although I think I was way too spoilt for the Cebu trip).

Ok lah.. but the trip wasn't bad, really. I did like wandering around =) And it's always nice to be able to speak the most common language in a country. Oh... and the food there is nice!! (Though I need to lose weight again!!) And they were having elections there too! So they had those vans with speakers moving around. Too bad I didn't get to watch any rallies though =)

Photos later, perhaps. For now, it's more photos of the mass call first:

Photo with the family first

And of course, the next photo will be with Weiling. The photo is quite dark though

Next up, the photos with the other pupils from Rodyk. Not every single one of them though. Just realised I didn't manage to get a photo taken with Wanqing again!

Laura, who's Ben (ie. tomato)'s room mate and who gave me sufficient things to keep be busy and slightly cheerier when I was in RE and IP:

My plaintiff for FMS:

Friends I made during PLC (maybe with the exception of Stephanie, my most-often-negotiation-partner):

Err... and Law school friends and one of their girlfriends (ie. Mark's):

And of course, Tee Meng, who came down too!

I think someone is still quite pissed off with me for the photo incident that day. Actually, when he typed the words "not your fault for not wanting to take photo with me" and then "i'm not andy lau nor aaron kwok" I actually felt even worse. He's not that bad looking really.. and I'm sure he has way more confidence in himself than that, so that was just an obvious reflection of how angry he still is. Don't know lah.. I'm getting a bit tired of apologising and apologising and it sounds super irritating too. We'll see how it goes. Somehow though, I've this nagging feeling that he won't be able to make it for lunch in the end. Still, I guess I'll just try my luck then... at most.. to quote what we used to hear often in primary school, "don't friend then don't friend lohz". I don't know. Since I was in the wrong, I shall see how it goes?

Somehow, he reminds me of JianPing, particularly that incident in the LT during the NJCO camp period. I guess the only difference is that JianPing will blow up, whereas he doesn't?

Talking about JianPing.. it's 3 more days, I think!

Income hasn't gotten back to me YET, as usual. When on earth will you be telling me when I'm starting, where I'll be posted to and my salary??? If you are really not interested in taking me in, I can always work elsewhere, so just tell me! I hate being neither here nor there. If you want to disallow me from practising first, you jolly well have a position ready and not take a million years to do something.

Before I run off...

More of flying off actually..

Not a good start to the holiday, but oh well, it's not like the first time anyway, you'll just get used to it. How else can I always lend my listening ear nowadays? That's just cause I've come across such similar nonsense too. Just like why I took up my scholarship remember?

Anyway, it's JianPing's graduation today, I think. Don't think he really reads this, but just in case, CONGRATS MR CHAI!!!!!! You've done a good job (don't you contradict me!) and I'm just super glad that one of my closest friend will be back in Singapore soon! (That's 7 days from now, and a mere 3 days by the time I get back! That's definitely something to look forward to!)

Mr Tan and Mr Chan should be flying back in a few hours time.. I sure hope the 2 of you brought back the present I want most --> so, I do get to hear that both guys are more relaxed and cheerier, right? =) In any case, welcome back!!! I miss the 2 of you too, even if it's 3 days! (What to do.. I'm a brat, and I love my closer friends nearby)

Better run off... before I get scolded again.. just like what happened a few hours ago when I was typing the previous entry. In case anyone thinks I'm way too full of me and myself, hey, I haven't finished uploading yesterday's photo, at least the ones with my friends. Shall get that done once I'm back...

I'll miss all of you... really!