Care to lend me some optimism?

Exactly 1 year and 15 days ago, I was in a super scared and uncertain state. The first person I thought of to email to was this senior. I didn't expect a reply from him, since he wasn't really that much of a senior, but he did anyway, and somehow it reassured me a little.

Fastforward to now. Ian, wherever you are, can I borrow your limitless optimism? Your way of looking at things in a positive light? Somehow I think I went overboard in making myself cheery, to the point that I'm losing control of myself. And then now, I'm just feeling awfully scared, upset whatsoever. Perhaps I didn't really change that much from the supposed shy person you thought I was. I still don't feel comfortable mixing with strangers and don't like to face the unknown. I don't want my lao ban or my colleagues for that matter to realise that what they think of me is simply a facade, that I'm actually quite dumb and slow. In the first place, a part of me still doesn't want to face reality, doesn't want to turn up in Income and just wants to run away. Perhaps the grass is greener on the other side, maybe that's why I really really really want to do something else even though the outcome may be better. I know you've told me that so long as one can find one positive aspect in the job, that aspect will sustain the person, somehow it doesn't seem to work on me. How? I just feel very very helpless.. you know, like someone trying to clutch on to some straw in the sea. I don't even know why I'm feeling this scared, reluctance now. If only there's some way to get you, so that you can still drop some words of wisdom and allow some of your cheerfulness to rub off on me.

Sounds quite useless right? Hmm... and even though Weiguang once said I'm relatively independent, I don't think I am now. In fact, can I borrow a hug from someone?

***Later***

Is it that hard to reassure someone? Actually, all I needed was just someone to just type the word *hug*... somehow it seems difficult huh? Even when I actually asked someone who used to be always able to reassure me whenever I asked..