The Bright Full Moon

If you are reading this on a Monday, why not look out of the window and observe the bright full moon today? The moon may not be perfectly round all the time, but there will still be times when it is. And the cloud clears up, it is truly beautiful.

Doesn't that remind you of life in general? As in, there may be times when things are less than perfect, but in the end, there will always be times when things fall into place. And it is the former that makes the later so much more treasured, isn't it?

The last week taught me how to let things go. In a way, it made a lot of things easier to accept, and it made me a lot more cheery. Just like, I could be more flexible with my timings at work and not overly worried about keeping time.

Just like.. Lunch with Gary and Weiguang was fun. As in not the fun kind of fun, but more of, it provided the setting for a bright sunny day, or perhaps week. Talking to the two of them is just.. relaxing and comfortable.. I can laugh when I truly feel like it.. and be as mischievous as I want to be.. You know, when people say laughter is the best medicine, it truly is.

And then, there was also the short "break" I took to meet Honghui. Actually, we didn't talk much, in fact, I realise, I simply just suan him on and on and on.. But, it's always nice to meet up with my friends, even if there's nothing to talk about. And yes, I must add, THANKS FOR THE STUFF, HONGHUI!! =)

Careers fair wise, it was just standing around and talking, non-stop if you happen to get a target. Bumped into Daphne's sister and spent a long while talking to her. Wah.. her brother is already in Secondary 2! To think it was just not too long ago that the little boy was "terrorised" by Wanling for being called Christopher Lee!

And after careers fair, it was dinner with Calvin before going off home together.

But, that's not the only highlight. I received a call from.. Sihao!! That was such a pleasant surprise, though it would have been better if my handphone battery wasn't low. Ehz.. I'm sorry about not being able to turn up that day, and giving a lame reason. I actually forgot that I've told you about my blog, so I typed all those without intending you to read it! Ah.. that's why to the rest of my readers, please do leave some comments occasionally, so that at least, I would remember that I've given you the website. Just in case I shoot my mouth off without intending to.

Oh, and on another note, RadioPulze is finally going on air tomorrow! That's so many years after. All the best for your hosting, Weiguang! I'll definitely try to skive a little just to watch you host. Ehz.. afterall, how can you hide from the person who had previously praised you before? That's not very right, yahz?

Gary wise.. remembered him mentioning something about hoping that he would be away by July. Didn't have a chance to ask him just now but, ehz.. when's the result coming out? Good luck!

As for Daniel mummy.. do hope he's feeling better! Looks like I can't save on postage, given my lack of memory.

Frankly, I really still do feel envious of others who get to do work and learn during pupillage. Just like a particular guy called Kum Fu (I've stopped trying to compare within firm wise, that'll just make me unhappy, right?).. But then, I should be glad. Sometimes, the way he works is scary and I don't know whether I can sustain as well as he does. And as I was telling Calvin earlier, the two of them are just so alike.. workaholics! But ok lahz, work is work, sometimes it just cannot be helped. I wonder how life in Income would be like.

Gosh.. my brain is really on a shut-down mode after sleeping so super late for no valid reason for the past few days. But before I forget to talk about my new department.. Am I really that quiet? Seems like people have been talking about me behind my backs, like saying I'm super quiet! And interestingly enough, one of the more senior LAs (I think he's from Ann's batch, in fact) could actually call me by my name even without me going round introducing myself. Hmm.. that sounds weird!

But I still quite like Corporate Finance, at least from my first impression.. =)

Ok, duty at 9am tomorrow with a certain Mr SR (argh..) and Kiat Wee! Should be quite ok. And with the programmes I've lined up for tomorrow, it should be an equally sunny day! Jia you!! =)

Nostalgia

Just read a friend's latest blog entry and the comments that came with it.

Seems like I'm not the only person who does certain things out of nostalgic reasons. There are certain buses too that I just enjoy taking even if it is not as direct as some other form of transport. Or that I just like being at certain places for no particular explainable reasons.

Just like, even though I don't like gummys that much, there's still a certain brand and flavour that holds a special place in my heart. That's the one that Qiuting bought for me during the angel and mortal game just to reassure me about my speech.

Just like a particular brand of biscuits that I'll always turn to to cheer myself up, even if I'm already super sick of that taste.

Even the chocolates I bought for Beatrice that day, I chose that just cause it reminded me of the first Chinese Orch angel-mortal game letter from Qiuting during CNY.

Seems like no matter how time flies or how things have changed, certain things will still remain the same. That's what people call comfort food/object right?

Sentiments may be a burden quite often, but without them, each of us will not be unique. And it is through all these different experiences that we become who we are today. So even if I were to choose to do something dumb for nostalgic reasons, I wouldn't reproach myself for being way too sentimental.

Afterall, without all these memories, I wouldn't be the person I am, right? =)

Weekends turn me into a pig

For some weird reason, one of my entries mysteriously disappeared. Somehow, blogspot enjoys censoring my blog huh? Everytime I type something awfully not nice, it either disappears even before I can publish it, or like the present case, it mysteriously disappears. But weirdly enough, it never disappears when I'm typing half-way. It's always when the entire (normally super long entry too) is done that it disappears. Grr..

Back to my title for today. Weekends really do turn me into a pig. What other times would I sleep so much? Ok, I guess one reason for me sleeping so much is my escapism streak, but, can you imagine if weekends were longer? I'll sleep through even more days and get fat, fatter, fattest! Hahahaha..

Bumped into my reading sister yesterday. Hmm.. it's been so many years already, I should stop referring her to as my reading sister, but, it's a bit hard to change huh? If I start referring to her as Huimin, no one at home would know who I'm referring to.. (Haha, that reminds me of my FMS plaintiff too. The name "plaintiff" stuck and when I said something about my plaintiff and referred to my plaintiff by his name, my mum and sis were like "who's that".. Haha.. but this obviously doesn't apply to those whose other "names" came up only after I've known them slightly better.. unless you are "lucky" enough to be conferred some other names by my sis then that's besides the point.. hee) As I was saying, the chance meeting on one hand made me feel older (she's finishing her physiotherapy course next year) and it reminded me that another person (probably wrongly) looks up to me a teeny weeny bit. Actually, looking at her now, I still can't help but be reminded of that primary 1 girl I had to deal with. Crying and crying at the stairs on the first session, and then we ended up being brought to Sister Joan's office by Mrs Wee. And she continued with her crying throughout that one year too! I can still remember how much I couldn't stand her crying! But weirdly enough, we've still maintained contact on and off through the years, whereas I've no idea how my recess sister is, or even how she looks like now. Which reminds me of my primary 1 recess sister too, who happens to be Anne's sister, and how much I didn't like her on the first day. But I am very guai, k? Cause I've never cried in primary school not even first day! Haha.. but seriously, I wonder how Anne is now too. The most serious person in our Malaysia Cup crazy clique.

Hmm.. the song on my comp now reminds me of another friend, I mean ex-classmate.. Actually, my increasing irresponsibility, mean-ness and recklessness is really getting scary. But though I know, I just don't seem to be able to reverse it. Just shows how true the Chinese saying about it taking 3 days to turn bad, but years to turn over a new leaf.

Today is Yuan Xiao.. There's supposedly Chingay downstairs tonight but who cares.. I want Yusheng!! I mean it's the last day I can get Yusheng before another CNY arrives, right? Hee.. and according to tradition, at least what I've read in primary school, people go round with lanterns on Yuan Xiao too. That suddenly makes me want to play with lanterns too! Maybe I should take out the one Koon gave me last year =) I am a big kid wat.. and an adorable one too, in case anyone forgets.. haha =p

O Level results

I seriously need to do some rewiring of my brain. It's been years since I've received my O level results, but every year, I still feel as if I'm closely connected to the results.

Just like the day I had my O level results, today was peppered with not so good news. First, it was Reichmann who told me about his L1R4 being 14. And then, Iffah smsed me to report her 2 failures in Maths and Humanities.

Even Darryl didn't do as well as I predicted he would. When he told me his L1R5 was 17, my first reaction was just a "huh?". But what's done has already been done. There's no way to change it and like what I've just said to Reichmann, the O level certificate is just another key towards the new field of study. Years down the road, no one is going to bother to ask you how many As you've scored back then. And perhaps that's why I chose not to harp on his results, but to ask about what he plans to do and I'm glad to say, he's still going on to jc, probably CJC. Just that I guess, I just feel super guilty that he didn't do well. It just feels as if I failed as a tutor.

But I must say, Darryl sounded really cute, like a little boy over the phone. Come to think of it, after teaching him for 4 years, this is the first time I've talked to him over the phone. Normally I'll be calling his mum instead.

Somehow or rather, I've been having been reminded quite a bit about a similar period of time approximately 8 years ago. Last Friday when I had dinner with a certain nice Mr Chan (hee.. better type nice here cause he bought me dinner though.. he ought to since he made me work till almost 9pm just to wait for him to knock off! Hmpf..) and his lab friends. That happened to be the chingay full dress rehearsal. This would be the 2nd time I've witnessed the full dress rehearsal, the last time being a day before my O level results were out. Weirdly enough, I can still vaguely feel what I had felt at that point in time.

And today? I can't help but recall that particular Saturday when my right shoulders were soaked with Jo's tears even before it was my turn to get my results, how my tears just started flowing non-stop at the sight of the first line of my results, how I waited for XiaoPing and Wanhui to finish Chinese Orch practice and then trooped off to Far East so that they could comfort me, how I called a then JC classmate to confide about my sadness, how I got home at almost 2pm and had a shelling from my parents because I would be almost late for my piano lessons. Somehow, certain things just stay in your mind for years, even as you want to shut them out.

Just like many other matters. Just a few days ago, I embarked on a stupid mission and yesterday, Weiling was still doubting my ability to see through what I had wanted to do. Not wanting to trouble my usual "poor-thing" victim, I broke my resolution again though with a "corporate tone", according to my sis. I must have succeeded to some extent cause I received something set in a "warning tone", such that if I wasn't careful, an eruption would be imminent. As usual, I immediately felt 不忍 , felt bad and needless to say, my attitude made one huge U-turn and exceeded its limits again. Just as Weiling predicted. Gosh.. if this continues, I'll never succeed in what I set out to do earlier. Then again, being the mean person I am, I'm very sure I'm capable of sustaining my mean-ness.

Still on the topic of spring cleaning the brain, it's always good to have newer friends. Met Beatrice today. And it was highly enjoyable, the conversation I mean. Sometimes, even observation itself doesn't paint the full picture. There were certain comments made that didn't fit into the picture I saw, but all in all, it was fun even if the food wasn't that perfect. Afterall, who cares when the companion is great, right?

Meal companion reminds me of next week! Imagine it's only Friday and I've settled lunch for both Monday and Tuesday (yes, I'm dumb enough to volunteer for the 2nd day 9am just because they said they needed people. What's wrong with me?)! Ok, the Tuesday part is linked to a certain earlier paragraph that, as usual is for me to know and for you to figure out. And the Tuesday lunch also means I've to get rid of a certain irritating Mr SR prior to that. Otherwise, I'm sure he'll be itching to perform his permanent hobby of back-stabbing again. But, it doesn't matter I guess. I need to do my sis a favour and at the same time not owe others any favours. Besides, sad to say, there's nothing they would bother to do against me anyway. Hmm.....

Disclaimer: If any of the above doesn't make much sense to you, just read it with a pinch of salt, cause it probably doesn't make sense. And in case you are wondering why, that's just because I'm nodding off whilst typing this entry =)

Sunshine after the rain

Decided to take back whatever was typed yesterday. It was meant to be a reflection of my feeling of resignation, but somehow one particular reader smsed last night and commented about it being peppered with anger. Seriously, I really wasn't angry at all, just drained so much so that I really dozed off super early and got up later than usual today.

But certain parts still hold true of course, including the spring cleaning of the brain part. Somehow though, it's useless when I say I've deleted certain numbers off my phone. Why? Cause it may not be there, but it's stored in my brain so unless I get some form of amnesia, I don't think the number will just disappear.

After I typed that entry which was directed at one person yesterday, I got a surprising, a little out of the blue reply. Frankly, it's not true that tôi ghét anh áây (note the last word is a bit wrong, but I couldn't get my programme to type it sign properly). Just that I'm too tired, I guess.

Had a short conversation (was it a conversation? Hmm..) with someone about trust. Apparently, one of the 2 partners whom I talked to just couldn't keep their mouths closed, to the point that what was meant for their ears went to Mrs Yeo's too. Actually, my gut feel said it was the first, otherwise, how did my pupil master guess what I wanted to say? At that point, it was just disappointing, the fact that one of them couldn't be trusted. But I'm fine with it now. I should have known better since I did know words spread very quickly within the law fratenity. Can't remember who I've said it to but once you've opened a tiny gap to let others in and then get hurt as a result, the reflex action would be to shut it permanently. So to the person I was talking to earlier today (though I doubt you'll read this), I guess I still need a bit more time to trust another law person again, can? (Hmm.. why am I asking for permission anyway?)

Then again, it's not true that I don't trust anyone related to law too. Smsed Adrian after getting a reply from Guoxing (Before I forget though, Mr Lim, next time try not to paraphrase what I say, yahz? Cause I noticed you're always good at paraphrasing my words wrongly, so even though I agree that your advice makes sense, but I can't help being super irritated by your paraphrasing! Grr..) But back to my point, Adrian and grandfather basically said the same thing, but as usual, the same meaning prompted different reactions from me. Ok, maybe not too different since I did accept what grandfather said just that I didn't like you "putting words in my mouth". I can imagine someone else (who shall remain unnamed) telling me the same stuff and I'll just not want to talk to the person for the rest of my life! (yes yes.. I'm a brat.. I never said I wasn't, right?)

Seriously though, to those whom I've troubled with my bout of nonsense (again) THANK YOU! Especially a certain Mr Tan (or should it be Ms Tan since I'm supposed to call you jie jie, right? =p ) Thanks so much for the smses and numerous reassuring words.

As to what I'm planning to do, I guess, I'll still try serving out at least try to serve out a bit of my bond. In the meantime, if I scrimp and save, I can send myself for either Vietnamese or Tamil lessons (my command of both was already atrocious to begin with, and with the lack of practice, it's getting disgusting) or maybe even continue with a Higher Diploma in Computer Studies (TMC again? Shall ask Itak..) I doubt I can scrimp enough for a ACCA though, even if I take up tuition again, so that thought shall first be shelved for the time being, I guess. As what Francis da ge had said, working in Income is the time for us to upgrade ourselves, so a short break from law might do me some good, right? And just as what the pupil master I admire a lot (or do I still admire him at all? Hmm) said, what's more important is to ensure that my stint in Income value-adds to my overall employability.

As for where I am now, I guess I shall just count my blessings too. It's not that bad a place, and as I was walking back today, I recalled what I had said way earlier. That so long as the place pays me well and is free from TSC kind of impoliteness, I don't care what they make me do. I guess I'll keep to that motto. No point making myself unhappy for these reasons right? So what if the whole world seems to know that the scholar actually contemplated something at first? I can always pretend that they don't know, and smile my way through. Like what Reichmann said, I can do it, cause I'm Yaofang! (Though come to think of it.. I think Reichmann copied what I've always said!) Thanks for your "vote" of confident though..

Just as the readers of this blog can see, I am fine already! Come to think of it, I ought to make this part of my new year resolutions (Chinese New Year is also considered new year! haha) To be less unhappy (Don't try the truly happy/cheery yet lahz.. that is slightly more difficult. One step at a time yahz?) less troublesome and less.. oops, I mean, more likeable! =) Seriously, sometimes I can't stand myself either. I can't even understand why on earth did I end up crying. Such a disgusting crybaby. Yaofang is made of more steely stuff, right?

Can't help but recall what I said to a Mr Tan today, I love talking to myself. See? I am doing that right now! =)

Seriously though, I really really really love my friends. No matter how bad things are, I'll always have people to turn to, who'll let me whine/rant and not detest me for that. So I am actually super lucky as compared to so many others, which means I've less reason for being so whiny. So Ms Tan, Mr Tay, Mr Chai, grandfather, Daniel mummy, Mr Randall, Mr Chan, Itak da ge, Honghui, and ok I must admit, a certain Mr Wong too.. thanks for tolerating me these few months even when sometimes (or maybe all the time) whatever I blabber simply doesn't make sense, siding me even when I might not be correct but I just need some reassurance.. Whatever it is, thank you! And I really really really love having all of you as my friends, and a number of others who are not named here. Really.

Gosh, this sounds so much like some award session.

Actually, there were two other people who brought me to my senses too.. Jeremy and Robin. Bumped into them on my way back. Together with what Reich said earlier the day, I realised that whatever I do, there'll always be people who would still think a bit highly of me. So whatever it is, I must always set a good example. On another note, I'm really glad to see a cheerful and slightly more talkative Jeremy. At least, he doesn't give me the feeling of being as not-confident as the boy in 4B. Wonder how the rest of the 4A and 4B people are doing though.

And finally, O level results out in 2 days time. Wonder how Darryl and the CVSS people would do. Really hope they'll do well. And Darryl.. he better get into a JC..

One more thing, somehow I'm looking forward to Monday, not because of rotation but because I am going back to NUS. And the point is not about going to law fac, but more of the "activities" I've lined up. One important point though, Mr Tan is going to appear for lunch in his office wear. He promised! (haha.. typing here means you cannot go back on your word) But no way am I going to bring a penguin soft toy all the way there just for your amusement. Of course, being the adorable little trustworthy gal, I'll bring my trench-coat length coat. =)

PS: Mr Chan, when can I claim my swing? Not that I'm feeling down, just that.. I just like the carefree feeling on swings.. and okok.. I just basically want to play, can??

Further note (09/2/2006): How could I forget to add in Itak da ge's name? The person who doesn't mind paying extra charges just to reply an overseas sms from me! The person who has to cheer me up all so often since TMC days. Oh.. and whilst being reminded that I haven't developed and sent the photos to 4A people, I was reminded of Kok Sheng and suddenly remembered the other boy's name. Robin!)

Stepping out in the sun makes one happy

Or so said the radio programme I was listening to this morning.

Apparently, we should allow our heads to be in the sun for a short while each day, since it helps in making us cheery. That was the reason for some invention or something to that extent.

Does this mean that people are generally gloomy when it rains very often, for example a particular week earlier this year? Then again, there might be some truth, considering that I tend to think more at night, and when it is raining.

Ok, that does it, I'll immerse myself in the sunlight every lunch! Then again, NO! I'm not going to get any darker and allow people to suan me. Hmpf! =p

On an equally light note, I'll be going down to NUS next week! For work! Though it's more like slacking since it's LAW CAREERS FAIR 2006! Oh.. how I love careers fair! It'll be a good diversion and I wonder who I'll see. Too bad though, Koon is doing his IA so there's no way he can pop by, and Derrick has no class that day too. Oh well..

On another equally cheery mood, THANK YOU to the 2 guys mentioned above too, for trusting me enough to lend me whatever I asked to borrow earlier this morning. Thank you!! =)

(As my readers can tell by now, I'm THAT frivolous that I can actually be so easily satisfied. Haha)

Sometimes the more you want to control, the less you'll know

That was just a thought as I lay in bed thinking about the current entry. And a connected topic, ie. guts. Since the latter doesn't sound any bit impressive as a topic, it of course got relegated to a tiny mention in the first paragraph.

After half an hour worth of pondering, I still don't think I'll go to the airport to send Sihao off. I'll probably just give him a call later, and of course, come up with another excuse for not turning up. In fact, I shouldn't have agreed to try to send him off when we were talking about it over dinner. Otherwise, I should have added a caveat - that it had to be on a weekday and not weekend. At least, I could send him off without having to come up with any explanation.

Is it really THAT bad to mix with people way younger than you, who are still schooling? Or rather, one has to mix with people of the same "level"? I tried eliciting some response whilst I "casually" mentioned about a student flying off for further studies in Australia and the only one I got wasn't that positive either. "Go all the way there, then must come back again. So troublesome". That was a light way of saying that I shouldn't. Somehow, I can't help drawing parallels to the last time I went out with Yuanxing and company. Can you imagine? I had a phone call at about 8+pm asking me where I was and that I should come back immediately cause the kids ought to go home and that me being older, ought to make sure they get home early. Please.. why don't you just tell me straight in my face that you don't like me mixing with them? It's kind of evident from the response I got before and during, right?

Do I really look that much like I don't know what I am doing? Perhaps so. But I can't help thinking, it's not exactly always the child's fault for keeping things from their parents. Sometimes, the more the parents enjoy "dousing cold water" on the things they say, the more the child just wants to keep mum. It's just like how I'll not tell anyone that I was out with Sihao for dinner once a few weeks ago. And that was just so that I could appease her, that I've not been mixing with people I shouldn't be mixing with.

But how accurate are parents' judgments in the first place? Just recalled how I had 2 closer friends in JC but one's phone call to me was "permissible" whereas for the other, I would get the "Why so long?" question even though it was way shorter than the former. It wasn't that one was a serious call whereas the other was just to crap. Both the contents were more or less the same. Yet, the main point was that one had better grades whereas the other supposedly didn't and seemed to have more problems. Look at the situation today. The latter still counts as a friend whom I can turn to but I can't totally say so for the former (at least not all the time). Grades, level of success do not count for everything. So in the end, all you'll get to know is the so-called good side of those I deem friends, and no, you will not get to hear the full picture. That's just my way of providing "beneficial censorship" and the way I'm protecting the friendship that I treasure.

It's another weekday again tomorrow. Somehow, much as I begin to dread weekdays, weekends are not necessary less evils too. Wherever I am, I still have to put up an act, so it doesn't necessary matter does it? But I'll be fine, simply cause I'm Yaofang, right? =)

PS: Although I know you of course wouldn't be reading this but, Sihao, all the best for your studies. The fact that you are no longer a small kid and that you are alone overseas mean that you must not be so headstrong, ok? Of course, most importantly study hard and I look forward to hearing good news from you, yahz? =)

Before I continue, let me vent my frustration first. I HATE OLDER GUYS!! Especially those who cannot read Chinese characters, have a lousy command of Chinese and are excellent at speaking Cantonese. But having said that, I'm so awfully glad I've only one more week here before I move again. I shall keep my fingers crossed that I'll be left alone!

Ah.. now that I'm done whining (Qi commented that I'm whiny today) work overall wasn't that bad today. IF you minus ALL the IP-related parts of the work, or interacting with IP related people, particularly one guy which prompted the above. But that's over for now, given that I'm sitting at home and typing this, so no point repeating the entire story again. Yes, but work was relatively nice since there was RE work today. Somehow, at the end of these 2 months, RE work surprisingly appeals more to me than IP. Or maybe it's because of the people. I guess ultimately, the people still matter a lot to me and I'll rather be in a comfy working environment, than be doing work that I superbly love but with colleagues that I don't get along well with. I am a spoilt brat, I must admit. After 2 days of purely, or mainly IP work, I'd almost forgotten how scary it could be sitting there (in case you are wondering, I would much prefer to link it to the timebombs, such words appearing rather often in the papers/media lately) And then today. Seems like there will always be external "alarms" to remind me of matters that I ought to keep in mind all the time.

Speaking of alarms, lunch conversation with Gek Joo centred quite a bit on settling down. Seems like working is taking a toll on my female friends, so much so that people are more interested in settling down. These few months have made me think at times, that this is not that bad an idea. But of course, I'll always be reminded of the possibility of having to control my temper. And if you start thinking along my lines, it becomes relatively diffult to tell whether work or marriage is a greater evil.

有梦有朋友

夜将来临 心灵黯淡时光

那一盏灯 最早为你点亮

当黎明时分 回首长夜漫漫

那一颗星 坚持陪你一晚

在难免有风有雨人生长路上

因为你我会变得更坚强

梦想在左手 朋友是右手

未来才会变得有看头

软弱的时候 我不会低头

多么幸运和你一起走

明天的天空 因为有梦有朋友

心灵的翅膀才能飞得久

有梦有朋友 有汗有笑有泪滴

都会是一生温暖的回忆

有梦有朋友 有笑有泪滴

将是我们温暖的回忆

I never realised the lyrics were written by 李骥 till I copied this just now. A simple message, put across so prettily like a poem. That's what I call good lyrics.

Received an sms from Qi this afternoon whilst working. Even though my darling phone smartly cut off the first half of the message, I could still catch the bottom half of it, and that's perhaps the crux of the message. A call for B+ blood group people to donate blood to a teacher called Mrs Che who has leukemia. Somehow, that line kind of had a paralysising effect on me. Mrs Che? The Biology lecturer? My gut feel said it was, though of course, I was hoping not. A flood of memories came gushing through momentarily. It seemed only yesterday when we sat in the LT, listening to her go on and on during lectures. In fact, I don't remember Mrs Khoo ever lecturing. And the model answers that she made us remember for the A levels, the question that came out during the real exam. The few Bio prac lessons, or rather correction lessons which she took. Despite her occasionally nagginess, I really had a substantial level of respect for her. Here is a teacher who knew what she was teaching and was willing to go the extra mile. Perhaps, I might not even managed the 'A' I got if not for her model answers.

Somehow, I still do not hope that it's true. In any case, whoever does have that particular blood group, ie. B+, please please do offer to contact NJC and perhaps donate blood, yahz? It'll be the greatest piece of news to hear that there's sunshine after the rain.

你是阳光 但是也能照进半夜里

Okiez, perhaps the rest of the lyrics, or even the title of the song is not exactly appropriate, but when I was listening to this song earlier, I just couldn't help but find this line so apt to describe a certain group of people.

To those who replied yesterday (regardless whether you were the intended receipient, or an accidental one), THANK YOU! Even the guy who called me though I didn't pick up the call, and then didn't reply my later sms, thank you! I haven't forgotten your promise to keep me company at a swing, though I keep 放飞机 =)

So, Koon, Qi, Weiguang, Gary, Guoxing, Daniel, Honghui, Kum Fu.... 谢谢!!! (Though I think less than 50% of these names actually know the existence of the blog.... but who cares... 谢谢!)

On another note, the guy who promised to spend the entire year rounding up ah-bengs, haha.. don't forget your promise huh? =p

Tired = Short-term memory

Was almost going to start off with, so what did I do during lunch yesterday? Could only remember the dinner part vividly, thanks (and no thanks) to certain smokers who blew out so much smoke at my face that I was just plain irritated, not to mention one of them harping on and on about a few of us not ordering alcoholic drinks. And frankly, there were better things to do, like meeting up with Ciyao, or clearing more work before CNY, but no, according to another pupil, we ought to socialise with our colleagues (Would they be my colleagues in the first place?)

Oh well, the point is more of, like what Mrs Lim Gam Hing said today, (this is my translation again, obviously. There's no way a Chinese teacher would start speaking to me in English lahz) it's just like being pushed on in a vast sea. "Entertaining", "giving face" is all but common. As what Mrs Lim Gam Hing aptly pointed out again, colleagues are just colleagues, not friend. You do have to maintain a cordial relationship with them, but in the end, they are not friends.

How true is that?

Long long time ago, I used to believe that colleagues can be friends, or rather, anyone can be. But you know what people say about the friends made when young are the true-st of all simply cause you were more innocent? There's no need to worry about stabbings, double-faced at all, cause a child's mind is so simple to be indulging in such complex stuff.

Which brings to mind a certain Mr SR at work. If I knew he would get into the (big-deal) list, I would have worked way harder, just so that he would be less arrogant and irritating. But as what one of the girls (or was it a guy) mentioned, working with this Mr SR means one has to be careful of his stabbings which should be a common, to say the least, weekly staple.

Not that I'm not as hateful either. In fact, I don't profess to be free of being a fake person either. Over this half plus years, I realised I've become more wary of the people around me, particularly what they call "my colleagues" (as in, in general everyone in the same job). There are too many things that should be left unsaid. That was why when one of the smses I received had the phrase "Can you trust me?" in the midst, it set me thinking. Do I, or would I really want to trust the person, who by the way falls within the category of "colleagues" too? Much as my lately-awfully-inaccurate sixth sense said I could, but I just couldn't come to a conclusion. As what Mrs Lim said today (yes, again) sometimes it's the friends you've trusted most who can hurt you most. Call me petty but yes, I've learnt that lesson the hard way. Not that the person whose sms set me thinking about all the newer friendships I've made in the later part of last year especially would read this (don't ask me whether I'll spread the blog again since bad habits die hard) but, should I trust you? Or the other new friends?

Of course, seeing the number of Mrs Lim Gam Hing's quotes in today's entry, it's not too difficult to guess that I dropped by CHIJ (Ponggol), oops, I mean CHIJ (Our Lady of Nativity) again today. With Jo!! It's been a while since I've last seen her, the last time was perhaps during Pr 6 Love class gathering huh? And even then, we didn't exactly get to talk much. This time round, with only the two of us, much more experiences and thoughts were exchanged, particularly as she gave me a lift to work. The feeling was just so comfortable and so much like the old times, especially when we went past RGS too. So much so that it didn't matter that I would be an hour or so late or that the partners would already be there by the time I got there. It really didn't matter that much.

Perhaps that's just the irrational me valuing priceless (at least to me) close friendship above others.

I've meant to drop by Ms Too's place to deliver the card too, but the sister who picked up the call said she's back in Malaysia. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to post it.

But it allowed me to drop by Mdm Kok's place earlier too. She looked slightly different from the scarily fierce Chinese teacher who first taught Primary 5 Love, though she's still as cheerful and optimistic. Yet, somehow beneath that cheery voice, why do I detect a tinge of loneliness too? I wonder if it's just me...

Further note: Talk about no memory. I started off this entry wanting to thank a certain guy for agreeing to keep me company at the swings and asking me repeated times though each time I couldn't make it. He was even nice enough to agree to my not-serious request about the playgrounds near my place. Thanks, yahz?

What is black may turn out to be white and what is white may actually be black

Doubt the topic makes much sense, but what I am trying to put across is basically that sometimes, what we perceive may turn out very different.

I guess I was truly affected by the email I received from CC last night. For 2+ years, her lack of reply gave a glimmer of hope that I could at least try out something else before I truly start my bond. Not that I happily ignored the silence, given that I had sent reminders to no avail. And that executive I hate, one particular CT, had to call me at about the same time as that email was sent to say that they required certain other documents to evaluate my request. What nonsense, or rather, HUGE LIARS! Why? Don't have to guts to say so earlier? Or have you been procrastinating way too much? And the best part was, that idiot CC had to end off her last email which confirmed the start date with "Happy Lunar New Year". What the hell. Do you think I'm in that good a mood given that I have to see your face soon? And yes, I still have to hold my temper and not send a "Do have a Horrible Lunar New Year" to her as well as CT. Yes, I really do HATE them so.

The person whom I doubted would reply did after I fell asleep. Ok, the sms did wake me up, I read the reply, but couldn't be bothered and went back to sleep. I simply couldn't help but recall a similar scenario with another friend some time in October 2000. It takes so much luck to say the correct thing at the correct time.

Thankfully, I recalled another person to turn to before I turned in (Not that I could since I was still basically tearing non-stop then). No doubt it meant more expensive sms, but it really didn't matter. As usual, Itak 大哥 would be able to give one of the most reassuring and encouraging words. 谢谢 Itak 大哥! (Which reminds me, I have NOT written the CNY card for Itak and Darmaji. Oh well, it seems I'll have to make do with sms-ing Itak on that day itself. So much of a nice gesture)

Actually, there's another person I ought to thank, for without his smses, I doubt I would have been able to fall asleep last night. I have to admit though, the brat in me refused to see the logic behind the smses and chose to be irritated at first. But as I re-read one of the smses a second time, somehow, miraculously, the stubborn me began to see his point a little. In spite of my refusal to admit it, it really did stop the overworked tear gland tap.

I guess I regretted telling this person anything from the start. It is quite amusing how each of us is programmed to be able to trust certain people even without much interaction with them. But I guess typing too much also made me more apprehensive. To the point that I really didn't want to see him around Raffles Place any time soon. But I'm no longer a kid, so I can't exactly be acting so childishly right? Eventually, I did meet up with this person for lunch and I must say, lunch was a good diversion for my mind, thanks to my good lunch companion. Mental note though, next time round, I'll make sure it'll be MY treat, maybe at the place where we were supposed to go to initially. In any case, I'll just make sure this guy does not behave just like Adrian (who's utterly incorrigible). Which reminds me, it's been a while since I've heard/seen Adrian right? And it's been an even longer while since I've heard from Mr Ng!

On another note though, I'm beginning to think that I'll just gain weight before CNY! Had dinner with Qi and Koon at Marina Square later at night. Of course, dinner would be great whatever food we had, simply cause I had great company. Just as what I would usually typed, it's not the food that matters, but the companions. And being with Qi and Koon allowed me to just speak my mind (at least more or less so) and it just felt even much better thereafter.

And so, that's how my initially-not-so-good day ended up much much better. I'm suddenly reminded of another friend's blog where he talked about a not-so-ideal start of the year. Like what I've commented, that start could also mean things would get better as the year progresses. (In any case, you can always try to remember that your year is over, it's my turn to supposedly have a not-too-good year huh?) And just as what a quote from some TV drama (I can't remember which one anyway) when things become really really bad, the only way they can go is to get better (Note: This is my translation, you can choose to decide whether my translation is accurate --> sorry, I really couldn't help but be reminded of an idiotic partner) So this year will get better, yahz?

Same things mean differently from different people

Received my PLC results today. I passed and was quite disgusted by PN for idiotically doing the name list. Ah well, you'll understand when you see it.

I hate liars, I hate them. Why waste my phone bill calling me to ask me to send in my certificates for you to consider your request when you are all set to turn me down? I haven't even sent it out and there I see your negative reply. I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!! I really do.

I can't believe I actually broke down on seeing that reply. Perhaps the stress of not knowing what was in store for me was really getting to me. Perhaps the new decision just threw my plans into disarray again, simply cause I have no guts to carry out what I would have liked to try. But why should I trust my decision since none of my decisions these few years seem to make sense?

I don't know why I just felt like crying to someone. Ok, maybe not just anyone. Just hearing a reassuring voice will be sufficient to stop my tears from flowing non-stop. But, Gek koon, I've already troubled him for the AC--- LLC episode. Of those who are in Singapore, I could only think of one other person whom I think would be able to calm me down, the only one whom I smsed to and said I felt like crying and wanted to borrow a listening ear. But I don't believe I will get a reply call.. but it doesn't matter, cause we are not real friends what.. just 2 people who keep in contact only as and when we need each other, right? So there's no need for you to lend me your listening ears, cause you have much better things to do. You are not my friend wat.. you are not.

Someone else asked me if I was alright on MSN earlier. But why should I tell you the truth, when you are going to pre-judge me anyway? I'm sorry but between you and the person I've mentioned earlier, I guess I still have a higher regard for the former simply because much as I don't think we are friends, I know I'll always get moral support for my views (be they true or not, so long as I can't tell it's fake) and actions. Go ahead and call me a brat, I guess.

Daniel jokingly gave permission to call him suddenly when I'm down, but somehow I just don't feel right about disturbing.

I miss the ray of sunshine that a certain senior exudes (at least back then). Remember you said something about finding something positive to sustain oneself? I wish I can hear it from you again, just to be reminded of what you said. But, what are the chances of me chancing upon you? 0.000001%?

There are friends and then there are good friends

Ok, at the risk of having too many frivolous entries for the past few days, I spent my entire morning journey to work coming up with a slightly more pensive entry for today.

Ever realise how some people are just your acquaintances, some are your friends.. and some are just your closest of friends?

I started reviewing a conversation I had with someone yesterday night on my way to work. It was one of those rare times where I would be candid about what I thought, at least to this person. Yet, the response I got confirmed the point that I wouldn't trust this person with my thoughts again, if I could help it.

You see, what differentiates this person from say, Derrick (esp I think, considering that he is always siding me since I can remember), Koon, Weiguang etc is that, he speaks in such a commercially correct term. I know the reason for me being here is because of Income. But does it mean that I deserve to not learn much? I didn't say they must take me in, and I am prepared to go elsewhere. One does not have to go on and on about the fact that it's commercial reality, I should just accept it, because that was what I was in fact thinking. I guess, when I do confide in another person, I'm already capable of seeing the reason, it's more of the always-not-so-confident me wanting some form of reassurance or encouragement. By putting me down, you're just making sure that I'll never tell you about anything else again (not to mention that you'll be in a profession that I wouldn't exactly trust with my real thoughts in the first place)

Trust me, I'll be able to make my own correct decisions, I just need some moral support yahz?

And that being said, I really should thank the friends whom I deem to be my confidantes, especially a certain Mr Tan who has to hear me complain very often lately. Thank you all for not judging me, and believing that I know what I'm doing.

********

Had a chat with LY today. The details are confidential, so I shall not type it here. But somehow, that chat, for some weird reason, affected me greatly, to the point that I, in Weiguang's words (hmpfff), turned senile.. Haha...

On my way home, I bumped into Jiaying and we kind of took the train together. That's when I realised my view of my pupil master is not that right. Is he really that great a pupil master? I'm having my doubts now. Perhaps I'm just way too attention seeking but, I thought pupil masters are meant to be mentors? Jiaying mentioned that her "welfare master" (who happens to be my pupil master, by the way) asked her about her pupillage checklist and told her to look for him if she has any doubts. I don't recall my pupil master telling me that. In fact, if my memory doesn't fail me, I'm supposed to settle it myself. Why do I feel that the other partners show more concern than my pupil master? I'm rather blind to look up to my pupil master so much at first right?

Oh well, it just shows how bad I am at judging people huh?

Of chocolates and biscuits

The moment my sister saw me holding her camera and arranging chocolates and biscuits, her first conclusion was that the food was definitely not bought by me. How else would I photograph food, of all things?

True enough although she was only partially right about the giver of the food.

It's been such a long while since PLC exams. Even the most dreaded results are coming out on the 24th, which is some time next week. And Daniel still remembers the cute sweet he owes me, only that what he gave were chocolates, not sweets! Still, it's the thought that counts, and I really LOVE the cute chocolates! Thank you!!!!

The cute chocolates

Aside from the lovely chocolates, Peiqi gave me some biscuits which I loved in JC. Oh well, I guess the biscuits still bring back fond memories and so even if they don't taste as perfect as before, I still love them! And Qi actually remembered that I loved them, and the reason behind it too! Thank you so much too!!!!!!!!

The biscuits from Qi. The one on the right is the one that I'm talking about, whereas the one on the left is just.... what I prefer to eat! =)

Looks like I'll be having some comfort food at work! And it really feels likely that I'll be needing them real soon. Can't help but notice that there's someone who behaves like TSC in IP, and I dread going to her room. Yet, I don't have a choice do I? There are only 4 partners in IP. It can't be that I can actually hide from them all, right?

On another note, I'm beginning to like Real Estate, the moment I am out of it. Or rather, it has more to do with the people I work for. I was rather pleasantly surprised when one of the partner I'm doing work for actually knows that I prefer litigation. I wonder where he heard that from. But, it's a nice feeling, to be noticed =)

On a side note, since Gary has already uploaded today's photos onto his blog... Here are the photos!

The birthday cake.. since I do have a share of the cake, I get to put up the rather pretty photo too, right? But then, whoever celebrates birthdays one MONTH later?

As what Gary calls this.. the mandatory group photo. I agree with Qi, that my cyan blouse looks white in the photo!

Happy

Was deciding between "happy" and "contented", and I decided the former was still more apt. Afterall, you can be happy without being contented, but you cannot be contented and not happy

Today was my first day in IP, although it didn't really felt so. Why? Simply cause I haven't introduced myself to anyone in IP, yet. Amusingly enough, now that I'm no longer in RE, I actually spent an entire day on RE work. Yes, RE, RE and more RE! Frankly though I prefer where I am working now, at least I feel cheerier with what I am doing. And the feeling of being occupied was just great!

Oh yes, and before I forget.. to a certain Mr Tan, thanks for the rather thoughtful sms this morning! =)

Dinner at Chinatown tomorrow. Must work even faster so that I can knock off at a decent time. And gosh.. I'm so looking forward to following Maureen out for a client meeting tomorrow!

Human interaction is not my cup of tea?

Was still pondering whether yesterday's entry needs amendments (that's the ill-effects of doing proof reading at work, I tend to proof read my entries nowadays..) but then, I decided against turning it correct. Afterall, although blogs are meant to be in the public domain (ie you have to watch what you are typing, but if one is going to edit everything to please everyone, then the blog loses its inital use, that is, to be true to one's thoughts. In that case, it'll be better not to have a blog at all, since you won't even dare to rant in it, agree?)

Seriously though, I really think I'm over capable of thinking too much. Who else is able to feel guilty over nothing for more than a day! Oh well, it might also be due to me concussing way too much these two days, such that, my total waking hours equate with my normal hours spent feeling guilty.

********

And initially, I thought there would be more food for thought today, especially after what I had planned to do this morning, ie. drop by Buangkok MRT today for some 'talk programme'. Yet, when I got there, I didn't see any UFM personnel. So suffice to say, there's nothing much to talk of on that.

And yes, Buangkok MRT is finally opened, after a whole barrage of excuses. Not enough residents in the area? I wonder what HAS changed. Perhaps the greatest determining factor (ie, the great big E is round the corner) huh?

Certain topics are meant for private conversations, definitely not in the public domain. I've realised that studying law has its advantages and disadvantages. One tends to be a bit careful when talking/doing things.

Whilst chatting with a friend last night, I made one comment of his change since JC. Actually, it's really difficult to not change at all with time. Me? Somehow, I think I've changed for the worse. More irritable for one. Told Mingyi sometimes last week on MSN (I think it's last week, though I'm not sure) that I don't exactly like human interaction. Perhaps I've just forgotten how to mix harmoniously with people. Perhaps I've become even more protective of myself that I've built an even thicker, harder shell around myself. Have I become less sensitive, less caring, less trusting, colder and more self-centred? Frankly, I think so.

But as a particular saying goes, it's way easier to change for the worse than to get rid of the bad habits. It's one thing to know one's faults, and another to be able to reverse it for that matter. Seriously, I don't foresee myself becoming less detestable in the near future.

Another sign of my bad habits - procrastinating! I had initially planned to finish the work I owed WL and LY over this weekend since firstly, I've already rotated to another department, secondly, WL's work was given last week and thirdly, LY's work is due this week. In the end, rather than researching, reading and writing, I end up merely typing... this entry. Goodness gracious! I guess I definitely don't qualify as a workaholic then. Not when I don't particuarly bring work home to complete.

Seriously though, uncertainty is never good, especially if it affects your aim. Being without a goal means you do not know what exactly are you working towards. And when you do not know what you are working towards, you tend not to do anything about it.

It's Always the Same People Who Can Affect You Most - fragmented thoughts

A tad too tired to think of a title, and so, I decided to copy it off my MSN nick.

Whilst saying something today, I suddenly realised that I've been meeting quite a number of people this week. Not a bad thing actually, just that, it's surprising, at least for me.

********

Yesterday was the last day in Real Estate. It's a little hard to believe that one month passes so quickly. Perhaps the weekly 4-day-week did the trick, but towards the end, it wasn't as badly awful as at the beginning. At least, towards the last week, there was work to keep me occupied. In fact, work came from one of the lawyers for the first time, and frankly, I really prefer doing work for him than some others. At least he was more willing to set time aside to explain and receive my completed work.

Met up with Gek Koon in the evening to collect the birthday present that I was supposed to have already received before my birthday. Thanks Peiqi! I LOVE the stickers! And the toy/art gadget! Ermz.. I'll practise a bit more first before I make you something, in case it looks uglier than what your kids make.. Hee...

Yesterday's dinner made me suddenly notice how time flies, or rather, how much we've grown older. Or perhaps it's just Koon's fault for looking more haggard than usual?

********

Went cycling with Nelson, Vicknesh and Nelson's friend (I think his name is Shawn?) It was fun and I can cycle (which was sort of a fact a while ago already, only that I didn't know how to not 'kill' myself cycling that's all) . Oh yes, and as is usual (at least for me) after cycling, I've now 2 blisters on my hands, 1 kind of injured knee, and a 3-4 cm long bruise, on top of the 2 blisters I had on my ankle yesterday. For the bruise, I didn't notice it till I got home, but it at least made the fact that my ankle felt numb towards the end of the cycle seem more sensible. Since I'm already whining, I shall whine a little bit more. My knee hurts! As in I can't bend or straighten without feeling the pain. And it feels a kind of inflammed too.

I really don't know what came over me to call a friend to ask for plasters after I felt the pain and the numbness. And he did come down with the first aid box (which only had plasters.. Hmm..) Frankly, come to think of it, I should not have done so. I mean, if I could ignore it and continue cycling for quite a bit more, what's the difference with dealing with it when I got back, right? It's just my whining and self-centred nature popping up, I guess.

********

As I was walking with the group for lunch and throughout the rest of the time I was with the guys (especially after a call from another person) I couldn't help recalling a deleted part of an earlier entry. Am I the one guilty of giving up the friendship instead? Perhaps I am just too much of an attention-seeker? Or perhaps it's just a case of forgiven but never forgotten.

********

My knee seriously hurts, especially with the hot sensation emanating from the covered wound (I just realised.. why on earth did I use plaster without medication? or even better, cotton wool without medication?) K lah, but I seriously hope I won't have to limp to Buangkok station for the UFM100.3 talk tomorrow. Should be interesting! =)

It's been a week since the sun was out

That was an apt comment by Gary over dinner today (Note that this is but the gist of what he said, as I've interpreted it. Who remembers exact words, right?)

Being the nice and adorable girl I am, I met up with some petty guy who had to remind me that I 放 him飞机 last year. For goodness sake, it was only a few weeks ago, no one else would consider that as last year, yahz? In any case, dinner was not bad (especially with extra entertainment from the expression of the guy beside us) and I got to eat what I had initally wanted to have with my sis yesterday.

********

Being an indifferent and fake person is very much an art. I actually found it rather amusing that I smiled at a particular female I didn't exactly liked when I bumped into her along Citylink Mall. And I was quite glad too, at least she saw me in my black coat. Fake sense of superiority, but who cares. She may be superior in her school, but outside, at least she isn't.

Isn't it interesting how fake people can be?

A colleague from law school wondered aloud about why cars had to be sheltered whereas human beings didn't. It was a mere spin-off from the observation that there were shelters leading to the car park (as well as the car park itself, of course) whereas there were not much of sheltered walkways around. Being in the argumentative mood that I was, I casually said that cars had value whereas humans don't. I mean, you can put a value to car, but you can't to a human, that's why people mistakenly view the car as "more important". And then the person had to argue that lawyers earn dah-dah-dah per hour, and that is our value. I'm still rather amused by my rather frank rebuttal. That I would rather see a person for their relative "value" (ie. importance) to me as a friend, than their monetary value at work. I mean, who cares if I'm worth a decent amount for my work. Ultimately, I'll be happier to be regarded as priceless to my friends, right? (Sadly though, I doubt I'm worth much in this regard too huh?)

That's basically me in my argumentative mood when I wasn't in the mood to entertain fellow humans (note the description ie. I didn't use friend) I guess I still have limited tolerance in being ultra nice to people huh? But like what I've told Mingyi this morning, I guess I don't exactly love interacting with people. It's just me, I guess.

Can't remember exactly why I told my sis my usual theory of friends ought not to be colleagues, but I continue to maintain that view. Like what I've mentioned eons ago, that's basically the reason why I would never ever apply for pupillage in a particular firm (which I enjoyed myself in thoroughly, despite it being "small" in the words of some others). Perhaps I really did value that friendship much more.

Seriously though, trust is a difficult word. A child's ability to trust is much stronger simply because he/she has not been at the receiving end of an abuse of trust. It doesn't even necessary mean being able to keep a secret, but rather, the belief that another would not hurt you. Even amongst people you regard as close friends, it is still possible for some to hurt you. Perhaps even more than others too, simply because you've trusted them much more. Trust me. Perhaps I am just petty I guess, but once the relatively fragile picture of trust has been broken (or simply that you've been hurt before by someone you've trusted) nothing can be the same. A broken mirror may be mended, but the cracks will always remain permanent.

Perhaps that's why I prefer to keep my distance. This way, you do not hand out knives for others to stab you from behind.

Even more so when there's 利害关系 involved.

Doesn't make much sense, does it? Oh well, blame it on the freezing cold weather, which had me almost turning into a block of ice. Hopefully tomorrow will be a warmer day, yah?

PS: To whoever the person who enjoys calling me by a certain 3 alphabets... for goodness sake, can you PLEASE stop it? Grrr....

Watching tv isn't exactly a bad thing either..

Somehow, the effect of the fundraiser hasn't exactly worn off yet. Perhaps the inspiration I got is really here to stay. That'll be good.

Depite the heavy rain, my mood today was ultra sunny. And for once, I bumped into loads of people I didn't expect to see today. First, there was Kum Fu rushing in the direction of UOB, then there was Mingyi who came all the way down to have lunch with Hongwen who in the end couldn't make it. And there was Adele too, with a bunch of people. By the time I decided to go home, I ran into Mark at the station too. Oh well, familiar faces really do make my day huh? =)

Of course, there was also work too. My desk was in an ultra messy state, which meant I had quite a bit of work! Yippee! No more stoning in front of the computer. And the usually stern Maureen had something nice to say too!

I'm soo happy today!!!! =)

仁心慈爱照万千-观后感

终于, 仁心慈爱照万千2006又落幕了. 在众多慈善表演中最能让我关心数字跳动, 也莫过於此节幕了.

同样是人, 同样为的是慈善, 但不同的人却选择用不同的方式. 当你猫哭老鼠时, 你可曾想过你理直气壮的举动会连累多少人又伤害多少人呢? 还是在这自我中心重的社会里, 这一切都不重要?

而你, 自从脱离"苦海", 飞回树上当凤凰后, 就忘了雪中送炭所带给他人的温暖吗? 若不是, 那你又为何要抨击那些真正发自内心做善事的人呢? 受伤了不起吗? 又不单你一人受伤..

还有你, 我好想知道你又如何看待这节幕呢? 又想说人们傻, 容易骗吗? 可是, 自小嘴里含金汤匙的你, 真的懂得怜悯之心吗?

当然, 我根本毫无资格说你们. 我只能说我对法师有着万分的尊敬. 人们常说男儿有泪不轻弹, 法师的泪水在这寒冷, 风雨交加的夜里, 却足以溶化许许多多冰冷的心. 以身作则往往是最令人尊敬的.

其实, 法师走双板的一幕不禁勾起我的回忆. 还记得当时 law interview 时, 我还曾说念法律也能帮助他人, 不一定要念 social work. 时间的流失, 每日的奔波, 却让我逐渐丧失理想, 失去方向. 在这新的一年里, 我又可否悬崖勒马呢, 也只有时间会知道..

无论如何, 法师谢谢你, 因为我至少不那麽彷徨, 也知道明早起床上班的意义, 且得到重新面对一切的勇气. 谢谢!

Not a very nice me

Just read a friend's blog (I assume you don't mind me counting you as my friend.. Otherwise you can either leave a message here, or type it in your next entry =p) Although I amended a certain portion of my blog before reading hers, I still could not help but feel guilty. Hey gal, I really don't mind you reading my blog, in fact, I love reading yours too (other than... you know, your blog with all the food makes me HUNGRY!) Just that, I tend to shoot my mouth (ermz.. something to that extent) without much thought, which makes me highly likely to incur the wrath of others or even.. sued for defamation (read my really really old entries and you'll understand) But I trust that you'll not tell on me, and so, do continue reading! And pointing out my flaws too!

To the rest of my friends who see this, hey, you are welcome to leave comments, scold me and point out when I should watch my words, k? I know my own character, and I know that I don't make a good friend and can be an awful brat, so go ahead and lecture, for otherwise it'll be a case of spare the rod and spoil the child (Ehz.. I AM younger than almost every one of my reader, so I AM qualified to be a child, k?)

********

Sometimes, I think the weather doesn't really like me either. Was supposed to go cycling with Nelson and Vicknesh but it rained for the entire day without any break! The rain is still going strong and it doesn't seem to want to stop any time soon either. My dear rain, since you've been so nice as to go on and on for the whole day, would you mind not ceasing till tonight? The Ren Ci Charity Show will be on tonight, and with the neverending rain, I think the Republic Plaza and surrounding areas will be superbly slippery. If you stop now and the place looks more or less less slippery, the CEO of Ren Ci may still go ahead with his stunt, made even more dangerous with an entire day of rain. So please don't stop, so that you can thwart the scary stunt.

Gosh.. that seems like another manifestation of the not-nice me. But I really do not enjoy watching a human circus and having to worry for the stunt artiste. I wonder how the donations will be today. Will it reach the target as set? I really do hope so, for it feels like the closest link to what was the previously MediaWorks-owned Channel U. Time really flies huh? It's already been one plus year since I've become utterly disappointed at the lack of 人情 in this society. But there's nothing I can do about it right?

(I though I've just heard the news.. that the scary stunt will still be carried out.. ARE YOU KIDDING??)

Humans supposedly differ from beast because humans supposedly have emotions. But do emotions really make human better? The naive me once really believed so. But then, if you really do think about it, there are also many others who succeed even more simply because they are able to look at each matter matter-of-factly and not let emotions get in their way. That being the case, perhaps emotions are just excess baggage. People may say that only when you are able to feel can you feel happy. Yet at the same time, it's only because one can feel that makes one susceptible to sadness, and to a more extreme form, depression too.

No, the above paragraph has nothing to do with my day today. In fact, my sudden bout of sadness lasted not too long today, a marked improvement I must say. Perhaps typing truthfully really makes things feel a lot better. There were some things that I would more or less do, but cannot verbalise it as yet because the consequences may be dire if these thoughts were leaked before the actual actions itself. Being able to mention it in passing without incurring any negative comments really felt good later on. Thank you, my usual MSN listener =) I'm beginning to whine a bit too much that I truly deserve a tight slap huh? =)

A thought suddenly came over me today.. Perhaps one reason why I was a happier person in JC could be because I was slightly more involved in community service. Perhaps now that I do not have the stress of exams, it's time for me to participate in something meaningful again and prevent my thoughts/emotions from running wild. So... any takers to do volunteer work together?

********

On a lighter note, Singapore was plagued with loads of 'bombings' and even a 'suicide bomber' today. Yes, it's our meant-to-be-surprising little amusing exercise for today. And the hospitals were prepared for the casulties even before the 'bombs exploded'. I really must take my hat off these people. Their ability to predict the future is surprising huh? Even better, to quote off yahoo website:

"In future, he said Singapore plans to hold similar drills on biological attacks - whether man-made or natural outbreaks such as bird flu.

There will also be cross-border collaborations with health officials in neighbouring countries."

Pardon me for my stupidity, but why on earth do you carry out such exercises? Is it really that useful when you've informed the whole at large that you will be conducting it some time? And those in charge don't take part too, they merely observe at the MRT stations. Watching the news just now, some of the casulties look amused themselves. How hilarious can it get? And we are going cross border to teach others? Hmm...

Shallow in thought?

Ever wondered why there's the phrase "deep in thought" but not a "shallow in thought"? It's also another form of thinking but unlike being focused on something, your brain waves are swooshing at all different directions, participating in many a jumble of thoughts all at once..

********

Procrastinating is bad. I meant to type a happy entry yesterday, but felt way too tired to type. Nevermind, I shall try to transport myself back to yesterday and see how successful I am at that.

********

I don't know what came over me, but in the end, I really did type partially about what was bothering me to someone after the dinner on Thursday. Perhaps I'm just not used to confiding, at that point in time, I was just typing and typing, but it was typed all in a matter of fact manner. You know, the kind where you don't have any feelings at the time of "whining"?

But it sure felt happy "chatting" with an old friend I trust. It's been such a long time but you'll always be the friend whom I can totally transform into the irritating little girl behaviour, however old I get. And yahz.. the friend I'll always be grateful to. You know, I wanted you to turn up for my commencement mainly because up till today, I still think I owe my university place to you. If not for your encouragement (not sure if you still remember your banana skill story), your time in helping me with school work (not to mention your scariness), I don't think I'll ever be able to get into uni, much less take the course which I ended up in. So yahz, I owe my degree to you (even though it's not that good, but that's through my own fault..) and now you understand why I want you back before the last Saturday of May (or if you want to be back that day that's your problem, so long as you can get back to see me get called *hopefully I would..*)

Seriously though, it felt good to just type and not worry about news spreading to the wrong people. Even more so when I actually "had company" during office hours yesterday. Typing about I-can't-remember-what just made everything seemed brighter.. I could even light bounce in the office (can't exactly skip like what I used to do across NJ library cause I'm supposedly older and have to supposedly look more mature at work) But, the light hearted feeling just felt much better.. I was even slightly more talkative (as compared to the past few days) when I had lunch with Xinyi too..

Had dinner with Sihao, before he leaves for Australia for his studies. Seeing the so-much-taller him just reminds me of how time flies. And later when we were back home msn-ing, he said something that reminded me so much of the short sms "conversation" I had with another friend about my behaviour at the dinner the night before. Can't help wondering.. have I been a bad influence? Hahahaha..

Oh, and I received an email reply to a letter I hand delivered on Tuesday. Though it was a negative reply, it really didn't affect me at all. Perhaps I really wasn't that keen to uproot myself to what I deem a more hostile environment. And, not to sound rude, their reply was really so dumb. Seriously! Don't ask me to type what they sent here, you go and guess what's so funny about it..

********

I just realise that talking to an imaginary "person" is good mainly because it's so much easier to "talk" to nothing (in that it's so much easier to say what you feel like saying) and it feels so much better after that. I started this entry whilst somewhere on the fine line of breaking down and not, but at the end of this, I'm actually feeling way much better. Still I did a yahoo search earlier to test my suspicions and came up with this:

WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION?

The following are the most common symptoms of depression. If you experience 5 or more of these symptoms for 2 weeks or longer, you are probably depressed.

• Persistent sadness or feeling down or gloomy
• A loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed, such as socializing with friends and family, most of the day, nearly every day.
• Loss of appetite and loss of weight.
• Insomnia. For some people, on the contrary, they find that they are sleeping more than normal.
• Feeling restless and agitated more easily.
• Feeling tired and having little energy.
• Unable to concentrate and think clearly and thereby becoming indecisive.
• Feeling of worthlessness and guilt
• Recurrent thoughts of death

That was from IMH website, by the way.

And of course, I'm not going to count aloud here which criterias I've satisfied. Only that I realised that I've been almost on the verge of tears every other day (if not more often) and often for reasons that are not necessary of that big deal. And the fact that things that could normally stretch my over-bubbliness to a few days are now capable of making me high only for a day at most, thought it's usually for a few hours. And there are times when I really wanted to have a knife stab me, not due to any suicidal thoughts, but more of to feel whether I can feel anything. When a box file fell and brushed past me just now whilst I was still hunting for letter containing a password to a certain database (which I still can't find due to the ultra neatness that I must maintain) I could even calmly and matter of factly wonder why it narrowly missed my spine. But then I remembered my life was at least worth almost $50,000.. The amount that I'll be in debt with if for any reason I can no longer work. At least my "healthiness" is still worth something huh? Though it also proves that I don't have the right to make any decisions, even for myself.

Instead of typing my favourite disclaimer here (the idea of which is getting a bit stale), let's just say, don't worry too much about me. I am, and will be able to pick myself up somehow. Can't help but be reminded of a childhood song that had the phrase.. "zi ji die dao, zi ji pa"

I'll be fine

********

As an after-thought, I forgot to add that I received something that I've wanted through snail mail today. My very own maple leaf transported from Canada! Thank you, Yangzhong! (though I don't think you have this website..)

There you go, the maple leaf that made my morning

Perceptions

Time passed easily today, despite work today not being very much different from any other. In fact, I popped by Benjamin/Laura's room to get IP too. Despite Adrian's suggestion that I get work from partners, I guess I still prefer turning to familiar people, especially since I'm not in that department... yet.

Just as what I told Clarissa today, the trick to surviving work is to have something to look forward to. Nothing else mattered as much today because my main aim was to not stay back too late. And it gave me an excuse not to go for the what-I-deemed-awkward Thursday tea. It's not that I'm very close to the pupils and I really don't feel comfortable socialising for the sake of it. Yet, it's almost a weekly thing that the pupils will turn up unless they're busy, so... Anyway, I just gave the excuse that I had to leave on time today cause I had a dinner appointment, which was true in any case!

Met up with Shamini and Guoxing. I guess my worries yesterday was rather unfounded. It was good to meet up... though I guess I overdid my bubbliness to the point that I was over suaning Guoxing. Hmm.. but it really did felt good cause I could once again revert back to the Yaofang that I was and not by some other description. But things do change over the years... Just like I've changed drastically too. But there's no point in always looking back, cause I'll never learn to appreciate now, right? =)

Un-truthful-ness

Ever exactly sat down and think about how truthful you are?

These days, if I were Pinnochio, my nose length would have broken the world record.

Still remember my analogy about effervescence yesterday? It's like.. not wanting to open the stopper so that external atmosphere will not enter and contaminate the reaction.

Is it because reality, or rather, societal life is harsh? Or am I just afraid to lean?

Or perhaps just as what I type in my nick.. that I'm just bordering upon being extra so I'm afraid to breach that line?

Yesterday afternoon, I suddenly thought of turning to "insecticide".. (Those in the know.. you know what I mean.. those who don't.. please don't be overly smart and really think of the canned chemical yahz?) But yet when insecticide appeared, whatever I wanted to complain just got stuck.

A bit stupid right? No wonder some "idiot" used that word 3 times in 3 consecutive smses.. Haha.. Seriously though, too much faking just results in super numbness to a certain point where I wonder if I would still feel pain if a knife stabbed through (which of course I'm not THAT dumb to do so..)

No wonder my mum said I used to cry a lot when I was a little kid (Though I must add, proudly I must say, that I never cried when I was sent to school! Yes, even on first days!) Cause these days, I just really feel really borrowing someone's shoulders but I just couldn't think of any...

Feeling apprehensive about meeting friends I was once closed to tomorrow.. Will it be another case of 皮笑肉不笑?

Argh... what's wrong with me? It's the new year... Come on.. be cheery CHEERY CHEERY!

A simple gesture means a lot

Was feeling gloomy ever since pupillage resumed. And the gloom worsen over the course of late last week due to some action of a certain person. Granted, I won't be staying. Granted, I am thankful that you took me in. But still, simple things do hurt and affect my opinion. Perhaps that was the catalyst that drove me to react. Yet, just like effervescence occuring in a sealed test tube, that pressure is perhaps a tad difficult to bear.

And so, to ease the pressure, the simplest thing is to remove the cork.. even if it is a slight removal.

I don't know why I choose to tell the person I told today. But I think meeting up with part of the PA people was good, cause the short few minutes of partial confiding actually eased the pressure significantly.. before anything became too hard to bear..

Shall upload the photo another day when I'm less tired..

(Photo uploaded 7/1/2006)

But what significantly brightened up the night and probably the week was a super belated New Year cum Christmas cum birthday card. And I bet the 'idiot' who sent it did so after he received the Christmas card I sent. And he probably forgot my surname too. And he had the cheek to refer to me as "irritating brat" or say that I don't look "the least bit as loving and kind" as the teddy bear in the card. But all that doesn't matter. Even more so when I took a good look at the front of the card which the word "granddaughter" printed on it.

一张普通却意外的卡片, 写满着讽刺却隐藏着关怀, 这就是我收到最棒的礼物, 也是令我最开心的惊喜. 谢谢你, 我亲爱的朋友!

Thank you really, grandfather. It's been years since we've last written postcards and stuff to each other. Yet, one look at the envelope and I knew the super red card was from you. As I read the card, the vague familarity of certain phrases just brought back a flood of memories. I kept saying I miss uniformed school these few days. But what I truly miss is the days of being surrounded by all my dearest friends. Thank you, for bringing back the warmth just when I'm feeling cold. Thank you, Guoxing!

ReVeRiEz on UnCeRtAiNTiEs

Shall start off with better news first. I've cleared my work. Right now, I'm just waiting and waiting to see PL whilst having way too much free time on my hands.

And of course, since I've so much free time, the most normal thing to do is to let my mind wander. Too much free time also allows people to think way too much. To the extent that I'm beginning to have the same thoughts I had approximately 2 weeks ago. Seriously, I really don't know why my perceptions have changed. And it's all a matter of a few months!

Then again, there are certain other things that've changed over the years too. Not that it has totally changed, else I wouldn't be bugged by it right? Can't help but conclude that sometimes, there's no point in over-planning. What's meant to be will be. Why waste so much effort right?

ReVeRiEz on ThE eFFeCts oF TiMe

Can't help but be in the reflective mood again.. Maybe it's the night, or the songs that I was listening to on my way home, or maybe it's just the end of the year again.

These few days, I've been having really weird dreams. It's been half a year since I've graduated from NUS, yet almost everyday, my dreams revolve around me still being in NUS.. either that, or the backdrop of my dreams were all NUS based. Such a familiar feeling. It wasn't too long ago that I would dream of classroom based dreams. How time flies..

Yesterday's dream was interesting. If dreams were a reflection of what goes on in my mind, I seriously have no idea how that dream came about. Or maybe I do. 2 friends from the same faculty were upset.. one said he was and the other just showed it. And I was more worried for the latter. Perhaps that was just a reflection, an indication of real life too, for certain friendships just get more bland along the way..

Read a certain Mr Chan's blog.. He had this quiz that allowed one to reflect on the year that is about to end. And then, there was a certain Mr Tan's nick on MSN that posed a question somewhat to the effect of whether you would change anything if you could turn back time (ehz.. I really can't remember clearly, so if you are reading this, don't blame me if I remembered, wrongly, k, Mr Randall?)

Those who've had read my previous blog (if you haven't and don't know the blog address, hey, that's YOUR problem, not mine.. haha) would know that quite a few events in the previous year made me decide that being cold was the way to be. Compared to the time when I forced myself to be less emotional just because of a comment Jini made before I entered law school, these events were so much better at changing me. At least in my own opinion, I thought I had become a lot colder and numb-er, or so I think.. Thankfully, some things still keep me slightly likeable.. But you know how fried ice-cream is hot on the outside but really cool on the inside? I guess I'm just the opposite.. Cold on the outside but warmer inside.. That is, if I bother to stop being cold..

Speaking of which, I was really thrilled when I got home and saw 2 personal Christmas cards. It's not the number of cards that matter, but the contents and the people who sent it. Thanks Daniel! I'm so sorry I was way too tired to write you a card, but don't worry, I'll send you another card soon! And don't worry, I'm sure ALL of us would remember to meet up in May/June.. Even if you are busy, we can still turn up at your place since you've just given us your address, RIGHT? hahaha...

The other card came from Qiuyan. 10 years. That's how long since I've first known and last seen her. As she aptly pointed out, it's so wonderful to know that somewhere out in the world, there's always another friend.. even if you don't meet up. Reminds me of kor and Guowen too. Net friends of 10 years. Still remembered I knew kor from the S-league chat room when S-league first started.. That's where I knew Johnson too.. As for Guowen, it was a really weird way to start of a net friendship that has since sprawned a decade. I think we've only chatted once before he mailed me a Christmas card. Still have that card till now. Hmm.. wonder how he's been now.. and wonder when he'll see the Christmas card I sent, as per our usual habit each Christmas..

Although people do grow up and things become different, certain things will always remain the same in some tiny corner in your heart. Maybe that's what makes me still so childish a person. Whatever the case, let's hope that the friendship that I treasure most will not be eroded along with time...

Note: The certain Mr Radio just put up his sub-nick again just for me (or so he says) though I think it's more likely that he just wants me to put up his sub-nick correctly. Anyway, it's supposed to be "if you could rewind your time, would you change your life" It's not that much different from what I remembered, right? =p

ReVeRieZ on SoMe BoLiaOz PeRsOnaLiTy TeSts

Saw the link on my sister's blog, so since I'm still waiting for my hair to dry and not wanting to use my brain, I decided to try it...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

That was rather accurate I must say... or at least that's what I think

[30 Dec 2005: Now that I look at it.. it's not that accurate either. For eg. the part about never breaking a commitment.. NEVER is a bit too extreme.. and I can think of commitments that I would break already.. Hmm...]

ReVeRiEz on I dUn NeEd LiGhTsTiCkS!

Haha.. to those in the know.. sorry, I just had to make that comment which's targetted at one particular non-reader of this blog, or so I assume..

Anyway, since I'm still as free as ever now, I just have to type this..

Thank you to all those who smsed!! I feel so loved!! Really..

Who cares if no one celebrates your birthday with you? It's all a matter of perspective.. With everyone so busy, a simple sms will do just as fine.. Or maybe I'm just easy to please.. but I'm in an extra cheery mood today =)

Oh, and you know what? I've already received my best birthday presents.. and that's having and keeping all my friends.. =) Thank you!!!!!!! =)

ReVeRieZ on GrOwInG uP

Just couldn't help but point out that time passes really quickly. It seems just like yesterday when I had to deal with a bunch of really noisy kids. And today, one of the noisier bunch of them have officially graduated. Whether they'll go on to Sec 5, or that they'll be proceeding along the ITE path, I'm still super proud of them. Really.. =)

ReVeRiEz on WaTeR DrOpLeTs..

This is getting pretty bad. I think I'm on the verge of sinking into a bout of depression again.
Don't know why I just suddenly want to borrow a shoulder for 10 seconds... 10 seconds will be enough.. I think..
Really like MayDay's latest song's lyrics.. 才发现 笑着哭 最痛