Tired = Short-term memory

Was almost going to start off with, so what did I do during lunch yesterday? Could only remember the dinner part vividly, thanks (and no thanks) to certain smokers who blew out so much smoke at my face that I was just plain irritated, not to mention one of them harping on and on about a few of us not ordering alcoholic drinks. And frankly, there were better things to do, like meeting up with Ciyao, or clearing more work before CNY, but no, according to another pupil, we ought to socialise with our colleagues (Would they be my colleagues in the first place?)

Oh well, the point is more of, like what Mrs Lim Gam Hing said today, (this is my translation again, obviously. There's no way a Chinese teacher would start speaking to me in English lahz) it's just like being pushed on in a vast sea. "Entertaining", "giving face" is all but common. As what Mrs Lim Gam Hing aptly pointed out again, colleagues are just colleagues, not friend. You do have to maintain a cordial relationship with them, but in the end, they are not friends.

How true is that?

Long long time ago, I used to believe that colleagues can be friends, or rather, anyone can be. But you know what people say about the friends made when young are the true-st of all simply cause you were more innocent? There's no need to worry about stabbings, double-faced at all, cause a child's mind is so simple to be indulging in such complex stuff.

Which brings to mind a certain Mr SR at work. If I knew he would get into the (big-deal) list, I would have worked way harder, just so that he would be less arrogant and irritating. But as what one of the girls (or was it a guy) mentioned, working with this Mr SR means one has to be careful of his stabbings which should be a common, to say the least, weekly staple.

Not that I'm not as hateful either. In fact, I don't profess to be free of being a fake person either. Over this half plus years, I realised I've become more wary of the people around me, particularly what they call "my colleagues" (as in, in general everyone in the same job). There are too many things that should be left unsaid. That was why when one of the smses I received had the phrase "Can you trust me?" in the midst, it set me thinking. Do I, or would I really want to trust the person, who by the way falls within the category of "colleagues" too? Much as my lately-awfully-inaccurate sixth sense said I could, but I just couldn't come to a conclusion. As what Mrs Lim said today (yes, again) sometimes it's the friends you've trusted most who can hurt you most. Call me petty but yes, I've learnt that lesson the hard way. Not that the person whose sms set me thinking about all the newer friendships I've made in the later part of last year especially would read this (don't ask me whether I'll spread the blog again since bad habits die hard) but, should I trust you? Or the other new friends?

Of course, seeing the number of Mrs Lim Gam Hing's quotes in today's entry, it's not too difficult to guess that I dropped by CHIJ (Ponggol), oops, I mean CHIJ (Our Lady of Nativity) again today. With Jo!! It's been a while since I've last seen her, the last time was perhaps during Pr 6 Love class gathering huh? And even then, we didn't exactly get to talk much. This time round, with only the two of us, much more experiences and thoughts were exchanged, particularly as she gave me a lift to work. The feeling was just so comfortable and so much like the old times, especially when we went past RGS too. So much so that it didn't matter that I would be an hour or so late or that the partners would already be there by the time I got there. It really didn't matter that much.

Perhaps that's just the irrational me valuing priceless (at least to me) close friendship above others.

I've meant to drop by Ms Too's place to deliver the card too, but the sister who picked up the call said she's back in Malaysia. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to post it.

But it allowed me to drop by Mdm Kok's place earlier too. She looked slightly different from the scarily fierce Chinese teacher who first taught Primary 5 Love, though she's still as cheerful and optimistic. Yet, somehow beneath that cheery voice, why do I detect a tinge of loneliness too? I wonder if it's just me...

Further note: Talk about no memory. I started off this entry wanting to thank a certain guy for agreeing to keep me company at the swings and asking me repeated times though each time I couldn't make it. He was even nice enough to agree to my not-serious request about the playgrounds near my place. Thanks, yahz?

What is black may turn out to be white and what is white may actually be black

Doubt the topic makes much sense, but what I am trying to put across is basically that sometimes, what we perceive may turn out very different.

I guess I was truly affected by the email I received from CC last night. For 2+ years, her lack of reply gave a glimmer of hope that I could at least try out something else before I truly start my bond. Not that I happily ignored the silence, given that I had sent reminders to no avail. And that executive I hate, one particular CT, had to call me at about the same time as that email was sent to say that they required certain other documents to evaluate my request. What nonsense, or rather, HUGE LIARS! Why? Don't have to guts to say so earlier? Or have you been procrastinating way too much? And the best part was, that idiot CC had to end off her last email which confirmed the start date with "Happy Lunar New Year". What the hell. Do you think I'm in that good a mood given that I have to see your face soon? And yes, I still have to hold my temper and not send a "Do have a Horrible Lunar New Year" to her as well as CT. Yes, I really do HATE them so.

The person whom I doubted would reply did after I fell asleep. Ok, the sms did wake me up, I read the reply, but couldn't be bothered and went back to sleep. I simply couldn't help but recall a similar scenario with another friend some time in October 2000. It takes so much luck to say the correct thing at the correct time.

Thankfully, I recalled another person to turn to before I turned in (Not that I could since I was still basically tearing non-stop then). No doubt it meant more expensive sms, but it really didn't matter. As usual, Itak 大哥 would be able to give one of the most reassuring and encouraging words. 谢谢 Itak 大哥! (Which reminds me, I have NOT written the CNY card for Itak and Darmaji. Oh well, it seems I'll have to make do with sms-ing Itak on that day itself. So much of a nice gesture)

Actually, there's another person I ought to thank, for without his smses, I doubt I would have been able to fall asleep last night. I have to admit though, the brat in me refused to see the logic behind the smses and chose to be irritated at first. But as I re-read one of the smses a second time, somehow, miraculously, the stubborn me began to see his point a little. In spite of my refusal to admit it, it really did stop the overworked tear gland tap.

I guess I regretted telling this person anything from the start. It is quite amusing how each of us is programmed to be able to trust certain people even without much interaction with them. But I guess typing too much also made me more apprehensive. To the point that I really didn't want to see him around Raffles Place any time soon. But I'm no longer a kid, so I can't exactly be acting so childishly right? Eventually, I did meet up with this person for lunch and I must say, lunch was a good diversion for my mind, thanks to my good lunch companion. Mental note though, next time round, I'll make sure it'll be MY treat, maybe at the place where we were supposed to go to initially. In any case, I'll just make sure this guy does not behave just like Adrian (who's utterly incorrigible). Which reminds me, it's been a while since I've heard/seen Adrian right? And it's been an even longer while since I've heard from Mr Ng!

On another note though, I'm beginning to think that I'll just gain weight before CNY! Had dinner with Qi and Koon at Marina Square later at night. Of course, dinner would be great whatever food we had, simply cause I had great company. Just as what I would usually typed, it's not the food that matters, but the companions. And being with Qi and Koon allowed me to just speak my mind (at least more or less so) and it just felt even much better thereafter.

And so, that's how my initially-not-so-good day ended up much much better. I'm suddenly reminded of another friend's blog where he talked about a not-so-ideal start of the year. Like what I've commented, that start could also mean things would get better as the year progresses. (In any case, you can always try to remember that your year is over, it's my turn to supposedly have a not-too-good year huh?) And just as what a quote from some TV drama (I can't remember which one anyway) when things become really really bad, the only way they can go is to get better (Note: This is my translation, you can choose to decide whether my translation is accurate --> sorry, I really couldn't help but be reminded of an idiotic partner) So this year will get better, yahz?

Same things mean differently from different people

Received my PLC results today. I passed and was quite disgusted by PN for idiotically doing the name list. Ah well, you'll understand when you see it.

I hate liars, I hate them. Why waste my phone bill calling me to ask me to send in my certificates for you to consider your request when you are all set to turn me down? I haven't even sent it out and there I see your negative reply. I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!! I really do.

I can't believe I actually broke down on seeing that reply. Perhaps the stress of not knowing what was in store for me was really getting to me. Perhaps the new decision just threw my plans into disarray again, simply cause I have no guts to carry out what I would have liked to try. But why should I trust my decision since none of my decisions these few years seem to make sense?

I don't know why I just felt like crying to someone. Ok, maybe not just anyone. Just hearing a reassuring voice will be sufficient to stop my tears from flowing non-stop. But, Gek koon, I've already troubled him for the AC--- LLC episode. Of those who are in Singapore, I could only think of one other person whom I think would be able to calm me down, the only one whom I smsed to and said I felt like crying and wanted to borrow a listening ear. But I don't believe I will get a reply call.. but it doesn't matter, cause we are not real friends what.. just 2 people who keep in contact only as and when we need each other, right? So there's no need for you to lend me your listening ears, cause you have much better things to do. You are not my friend wat.. you are not.

Someone else asked me if I was alright on MSN earlier. But why should I tell you the truth, when you are going to pre-judge me anyway? I'm sorry but between you and the person I've mentioned earlier, I guess I still have a higher regard for the former simply because much as I don't think we are friends, I know I'll always get moral support for my views (be they true or not, so long as I can't tell it's fake) and actions. Go ahead and call me a brat, I guess.

Daniel jokingly gave permission to call him suddenly when I'm down, but somehow I just don't feel right about disturbing.

I miss the ray of sunshine that a certain senior exudes (at least back then). Remember you said something about finding something positive to sustain oneself? I wish I can hear it from you again, just to be reminded of what you said. But, what are the chances of me chancing upon you? 0.000001%?

There are friends and then there are good friends

Ok, at the risk of having too many frivolous entries for the past few days, I spent my entire morning journey to work coming up with a slightly more pensive entry for today.

Ever realise how some people are just your acquaintances, some are your friends.. and some are just your closest of friends?

I started reviewing a conversation I had with someone yesterday night on my way to work. It was one of those rare times where I would be candid about what I thought, at least to this person. Yet, the response I got confirmed the point that I wouldn't trust this person with my thoughts again, if I could help it.

You see, what differentiates this person from say, Derrick (esp I think, considering that he is always siding me since I can remember), Koon, Weiguang etc is that, he speaks in such a commercially correct term. I know the reason for me being here is because of Income. But does it mean that I deserve to not learn much? I didn't say they must take me in, and I am prepared to go elsewhere. One does not have to go on and on about the fact that it's commercial reality, I should just accept it, because that was what I was in fact thinking. I guess, when I do confide in another person, I'm already capable of seeing the reason, it's more of the always-not-so-confident me wanting some form of reassurance or encouragement. By putting me down, you're just making sure that I'll never tell you about anything else again (not to mention that you'll be in a profession that I wouldn't exactly trust with my real thoughts in the first place)

Trust me, I'll be able to make my own correct decisions, I just need some moral support yahz?

And that being said, I really should thank the friends whom I deem to be my confidantes, especially a certain Mr Tan who has to hear me complain very often lately. Thank you all for not judging me, and believing that I know what I'm doing.

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Had a chat with LY today. The details are confidential, so I shall not type it here. But somehow, that chat, for some weird reason, affected me greatly, to the point that I, in Weiguang's words (hmpfff), turned senile.. Haha...

On my way home, I bumped into Jiaying and we kind of took the train together. That's when I realised my view of my pupil master is not that right. Is he really that great a pupil master? I'm having my doubts now. Perhaps I'm just way too attention seeking but, I thought pupil masters are meant to be mentors? Jiaying mentioned that her "welfare master" (who happens to be my pupil master, by the way) asked her about her pupillage checklist and told her to look for him if she has any doubts. I don't recall my pupil master telling me that. In fact, if my memory doesn't fail me, I'm supposed to settle it myself. Why do I feel that the other partners show more concern than my pupil master? I'm rather blind to look up to my pupil master so much at first right?

Oh well, it just shows how bad I am at judging people huh?

Of chocolates and biscuits

The moment my sister saw me holding her camera and arranging chocolates and biscuits, her first conclusion was that the food was definitely not bought by me. How else would I photograph food, of all things?

True enough although she was only partially right about the giver of the food.

It's been such a long while since PLC exams. Even the most dreaded results are coming out on the 24th, which is some time next week. And Daniel still remembers the cute sweet he owes me, only that what he gave were chocolates, not sweets! Still, it's the thought that counts, and I really LOVE the cute chocolates! Thank you!!!!

The cute chocolates

Aside from the lovely chocolates, Peiqi gave me some biscuits which I loved in JC. Oh well, I guess the biscuits still bring back fond memories and so even if they don't taste as perfect as before, I still love them! And Qi actually remembered that I loved them, and the reason behind it too! Thank you so much too!!!!!!!!

The biscuits from Qi. The one on the right is the one that I'm talking about, whereas the one on the left is just.... what I prefer to eat! =)

Looks like I'll be having some comfort food at work! And it really feels likely that I'll be needing them real soon. Can't help but notice that there's someone who behaves like TSC in IP, and I dread going to her room. Yet, I don't have a choice do I? There are only 4 partners in IP. It can't be that I can actually hide from them all, right?

On another note, I'm beginning to like Real Estate, the moment I am out of it. Or rather, it has more to do with the people I work for. I was rather pleasantly surprised when one of the partner I'm doing work for actually knows that I prefer litigation. I wonder where he heard that from. But, it's a nice feeling, to be noticed =)

On a side note, since Gary has already uploaded today's photos onto his blog... Here are the photos!

The birthday cake.. since I do have a share of the cake, I get to put up the rather pretty photo too, right? But then, whoever celebrates birthdays one MONTH later?

As what Gary calls this.. the mandatory group photo. I agree with Qi, that my cyan blouse looks white in the photo!

Happy

Was deciding between "happy" and "contented", and I decided the former was still more apt. Afterall, you can be happy without being contented, but you cannot be contented and not happy

Today was my first day in IP, although it didn't really felt so. Why? Simply cause I haven't introduced myself to anyone in IP, yet. Amusingly enough, now that I'm no longer in RE, I actually spent an entire day on RE work. Yes, RE, RE and more RE! Frankly though I prefer where I am working now, at least I feel cheerier with what I am doing. And the feeling of being occupied was just great!

Oh yes, and before I forget.. to a certain Mr Tan, thanks for the rather thoughtful sms this morning! =)

Dinner at Chinatown tomorrow. Must work even faster so that I can knock off at a decent time. And gosh.. I'm so looking forward to following Maureen out for a client meeting tomorrow!

Human interaction is not my cup of tea?

Was still pondering whether yesterday's entry needs amendments (that's the ill-effects of doing proof reading at work, I tend to proof read my entries nowadays..) but then, I decided against turning it correct. Afterall, although blogs are meant to be in the public domain (ie you have to watch what you are typing, but if one is going to edit everything to please everyone, then the blog loses its inital use, that is, to be true to one's thoughts. In that case, it'll be better not to have a blog at all, since you won't even dare to rant in it, agree?)

Seriously though, I really think I'm over capable of thinking too much. Who else is able to feel guilty over nothing for more than a day! Oh well, it might also be due to me concussing way too much these two days, such that, my total waking hours equate with my normal hours spent feeling guilty.

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And initially, I thought there would be more food for thought today, especially after what I had planned to do this morning, ie. drop by Buangkok MRT today for some 'talk programme'. Yet, when I got there, I didn't see any UFM personnel. So suffice to say, there's nothing much to talk of on that.

And yes, Buangkok MRT is finally opened, after a whole barrage of excuses. Not enough residents in the area? I wonder what HAS changed. Perhaps the greatest determining factor (ie, the great big E is round the corner) huh?

Certain topics are meant for private conversations, definitely not in the public domain. I've realised that studying law has its advantages and disadvantages. One tends to be a bit careful when talking/doing things.

Whilst chatting with a friend last night, I made one comment of his change since JC. Actually, it's really difficult to not change at all with time. Me? Somehow, I think I've changed for the worse. More irritable for one. Told Mingyi sometimes last week on MSN (I think it's last week, though I'm not sure) that I don't exactly like human interaction. Perhaps I've just forgotten how to mix harmoniously with people. Perhaps I've become even more protective of myself that I've built an even thicker, harder shell around myself. Have I become less sensitive, less caring, less trusting, colder and more self-centred? Frankly, I think so.

But as a particular saying goes, it's way easier to change for the worse than to get rid of the bad habits. It's one thing to know one's faults, and another to be able to reverse it for that matter. Seriously, I don't foresee myself becoming less detestable in the near future.

Another sign of my bad habits - procrastinating! I had initially planned to finish the work I owed WL and LY over this weekend since firstly, I've already rotated to another department, secondly, WL's work was given last week and thirdly, LY's work is due this week. In the end, rather than researching, reading and writing, I end up merely typing... this entry. Goodness gracious! I guess I definitely don't qualify as a workaholic then. Not when I don't particuarly bring work home to complete.

Seriously though, uncertainty is never good, especially if it affects your aim. Being without a goal means you do not know what exactly are you working towards. And when you do not know what you are working towards, you tend not to do anything about it.

It's Always the Same People Who Can Affect You Most - fragmented thoughts

A tad too tired to think of a title, and so, I decided to copy it off my MSN nick.

Whilst saying something today, I suddenly realised that I've been meeting quite a number of people this week. Not a bad thing actually, just that, it's surprising, at least for me.

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Yesterday was the last day in Real Estate. It's a little hard to believe that one month passes so quickly. Perhaps the weekly 4-day-week did the trick, but towards the end, it wasn't as badly awful as at the beginning. At least, towards the last week, there was work to keep me occupied. In fact, work came from one of the lawyers for the first time, and frankly, I really prefer doing work for him than some others. At least he was more willing to set time aside to explain and receive my completed work.

Met up with Gek Koon in the evening to collect the birthday present that I was supposed to have already received before my birthday. Thanks Peiqi! I LOVE the stickers! And the toy/art gadget! Ermz.. I'll practise a bit more first before I make you something, in case it looks uglier than what your kids make.. Hee...

Yesterday's dinner made me suddenly notice how time flies, or rather, how much we've grown older. Or perhaps it's just Koon's fault for looking more haggard than usual?

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Went cycling with Nelson, Vicknesh and Nelson's friend (I think his name is Shawn?) It was fun and I can cycle (which was sort of a fact a while ago already, only that I didn't know how to not 'kill' myself cycling that's all) . Oh yes, and as is usual (at least for me) after cycling, I've now 2 blisters on my hands, 1 kind of injured knee, and a 3-4 cm long bruise, on top of the 2 blisters I had on my ankle yesterday. For the bruise, I didn't notice it till I got home, but it at least made the fact that my ankle felt numb towards the end of the cycle seem more sensible. Since I'm already whining, I shall whine a little bit more. My knee hurts! As in I can't bend or straighten without feeling the pain. And it feels a kind of inflammed too.

I really don't know what came over me to call a friend to ask for plasters after I felt the pain and the numbness. And he did come down with the first aid box (which only had plasters.. Hmm..) Frankly, come to think of it, I should not have done so. I mean, if I could ignore it and continue cycling for quite a bit more, what's the difference with dealing with it when I got back, right? It's just my whining and self-centred nature popping up, I guess.

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As I was walking with the group for lunch and throughout the rest of the time I was with the guys (especially after a call from another person) I couldn't help recalling a deleted part of an earlier entry. Am I the one guilty of giving up the friendship instead? Perhaps I am just too much of an attention-seeker? Or perhaps it's just a case of forgiven but never forgotten.

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My knee seriously hurts, especially with the hot sensation emanating from the covered wound (I just realised.. why on earth did I use plaster without medication? or even better, cotton wool without medication?) K lah, but I seriously hope I won't have to limp to Buangkok station for the UFM100.3 talk tomorrow. Should be interesting! =)

It's been a week since the sun was out

That was an apt comment by Gary over dinner today (Note that this is but the gist of what he said, as I've interpreted it. Who remembers exact words, right?)

Being the nice and adorable girl I am, I met up with some petty guy who had to remind me that I 放 him飞机 last year. For goodness sake, it was only a few weeks ago, no one else would consider that as last year, yahz? In any case, dinner was not bad (especially with extra entertainment from the expression of the guy beside us) and I got to eat what I had initally wanted to have with my sis yesterday.

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Being an indifferent and fake person is very much an art. I actually found it rather amusing that I smiled at a particular female I didn't exactly liked when I bumped into her along Citylink Mall. And I was quite glad too, at least she saw me in my black coat. Fake sense of superiority, but who cares. She may be superior in her school, but outside, at least she isn't.

Isn't it interesting how fake people can be?

A colleague from law school wondered aloud about why cars had to be sheltered whereas human beings didn't. It was a mere spin-off from the observation that there were shelters leading to the car park (as well as the car park itself, of course) whereas there were not much of sheltered walkways around. Being in the argumentative mood that I was, I casually said that cars had value whereas humans don't. I mean, you can put a value to car, but you can't to a human, that's why people mistakenly view the car as "more important". And then the person had to argue that lawyers earn dah-dah-dah per hour, and that is our value. I'm still rather amused by my rather frank rebuttal. That I would rather see a person for their relative "value" (ie. importance) to me as a friend, than their monetary value at work. I mean, who cares if I'm worth a decent amount for my work. Ultimately, I'll be happier to be regarded as priceless to my friends, right? (Sadly though, I doubt I'm worth much in this regard too huh?)

That's basically me in my argumentative mood when I wasn't in the mood to entertain fellow humans (note the description ie. I didn't use friend) I guess I still have limited tolerance in being ultra nice to people huh? But like what I've told Mingyi this morning, I guess I don't exactly love interacting with people. It's just me, I guess.

Can't remember exactly why I told my sis my usual theory of friends ought not to be colleagues, but I continue to maintain that view. Like what I've mentioned eons ago, that's basically the reason why I would never ever apply for pupillage in a particular firm (which I enjoyed myself in thoroughly, despite it being "small" in the words of some others). Perhaps I really did value that friendship much more.

Seriously though, trust is a difficult word. A child's ability to trust is much stronger simply because he/she has not been at the receiving end of an abuse of trust. It doesn't even necessary mean being able to keep a secret, but rather, the belief that another would not hurt you. Even amongst people you regard as close friends, it is still possible for some to hurt you. Perhaps even more than others too, simply because you've trusted them much more. Trust me. Perhaps I am just petty I guess, but once the relatively fragile picture of trust has been broken (or simply that you've been hurt before by someone you've trusted) nothing can be the same. A broken mirror may be mended, but the cracks will always remain permanent.

Perhaps that's why I prefer to keep my distance. This way, you do not hand out knives for others to stab you from behind.

Even more so when there's 利害关系 involved.

Doesn't make much sense, does it? Oh well, blame it on the freezing cold weather, which had me almost turning into a block of ice. Hopefully tomorrow will be a warmer day, yah?

PS: To whoever the person who enjoys calling me by a certain 3 alphabets... for goodness sake, can you PLEASE stop it? Grrr....

Watching tv isn't exactly a bad thing either..

Somehow, the effect of the fundraiser hasn't exactly worn off yet. Perhaps the inspiration I got is really here to stay. That'll be good.

Depite the heavy rain, my mood today was ultra sunny. And for once, I bumped into loads of people I didn't expect to see today. First, there was Kum Fu rushing in the direction of UOB, then there was Mingyi who came all the way down to have lunch with Hongwen who in the end couldn't make it. And there was Adele too, with a bunch of people. By the time I decided to go home, I ran into Mark at the station too. Oh well, familiar faces really do make my day huh? =)

Of course, there was also work too. My desk was in an ultra messy state, which meant I had quite a bit of work! Yippee! No more stoning in front of the computer. And the usually stern Maureen had something nice to say too!

I'm soo happy today!!!! =)

仁心慈爱照万千-观后感

终于, 仁心慈爱照万千2006又落幕了. 在众多慈善表演中最能让我关心数字跳动, 也莫过於此节幕了.

同样是人, 同样为的是慈善, 但不同的人却选择用不同的方式. 当你猫哭老鼠时, 你可曾想过你理直气壮的举动会连累多少人又伤害多少人呢? 还是在这自我中心重的社会里, 这一切都不重要?

而你, 自从脱离"苦海", 飞回树上当凤凰后, 就忘了雪中送炭所带给他人的温暖吗? 若不是, 那你又为何要抨击那些真正发自内心做善事的人呢? 受伤了不起吗? 又不单你一人受伤..

还有你, 我好想知道你又如何看待这节幕呢? 又想说人们傻, 容易骗吗? 可是, 自小嘴里含金汤匙的你, 真的懂得怜悯之心吗?

当然, 我根本毫无资格说你们. 我只能说我对法师有着万分的尊敬. 人们常说男儿有泪不轻弹, 法师的泪水在这寒冷, 风雨交加的夜里, 却足以溶化许许多多冰冷的心. 以身作则往往是最令人尊敬的.

其实, 法师走双板的一幕不禁勾起我的回忆. 还记得当时 law interview 时, 我还曾说念法律也能帮助他人, 不一定要念 social work. 时间的流失, 每日的奔波, 却让我逐渐丧失理想, 失去方向. 在这新的一年里, 我又可否悬崖勒马呢, 也只有时间会知道..

无论如何, 法师谢谢你, 因为我至少不那麽彷徨, 也知道明早起床上班的意义, 且得到重新面对一切的勇气. 谢谢!

Not a very nice me

Just read a friend's blog (I assume you don't mind me counting you as my friend.. Otherwise you can either leave a message here, or type it in your next entry =p) Although I amended a certain portion of my blog before reading hers, I still could not help but feel guilty. Hey gal, I really don't mind you reading my blog, in fact, I love reading yours too (other than... you know, your blog with all the food makes me HUNGRY!) Just that, I tend to shoot my mouth (ermz.. something to that extent) without much thought, which makes me highly likely to incur the wrath of others or even.. sued for defamation (read my really really old entries and you'll understand) But I trust that you'll not tell on me, and so, do continue reading! And pointing out my flaws too!

To the rest of my friends who see this, hey, you are welcome to leave comments, scold me and point out when I should watch my words, k? I know my own character, and I know that I don't make a good friend and can be an awful brat, so go ahead and lecture, for otherwise it'll be a case of spare the rod and spoil the child (Ehz.. I AM younger than almost every one of my reader, so I AM qualified to be a child, k?)

********

Sometimes, I think the weather doesn't really like me either. Was supposed to go cycling with Nelson and Vicknesh but it rained for the entire day without any break! The rain is still going strong and it doesn't seem to want to stop any time soon either. My dear rain, since you've been so nice as to go on and on for the whole day, would you mind not ceasing till tonight? The Ren Ci Charity Show will be on tonight, and with the neverending rain, I think the Republic Plaza and surrounding areas will be superbly slippery. If you stop now and the place looks more or less less slippery, the CEO of Ren Ci may still go ahead with his stunt, made even more dangerous with an entire day of rain. So please don't stop, so that you can thwart the scary stunt.

Gosh.. that seems like another manifestation of the not-nice me. But I really do not enjoy watching a human circus and having to worry for the stunt artiste. I wonder how the donations will be today. Will it reach the target as set? I really do hope so, for it feels like the closest link to what was the previously MediaWorks-owned Channel U. Time really flies huh? It's already been one plus year since I've become utterly disappointed at the lack of 人情 in this society. But there's nothing I can do about it right?

(I though I've just heard the news.. that the scary stunt will still be carried out.. ARE YOU KIDDING??)

Humans supposedly differ from beast because humans supposedly have emotions. But do emotions really make human better? The naive me once really believed so. But then, if you really do think about it, there are also many others who succeed even more simply because they are able to look at each matter matter-of-factly and not let emotions get in their way. That being the case, perhaps emotions are just excess baggage. People may say that only when you are able to feel can you feel happy. Yet at the same time, it's only because one can feel that makes one susceptible to sadness, and to a more extreme form, depression too.

No, the above paragraph has nothing to do with my day today. In fact, my sudden bout of sadness lasted not too long today, a marked improvement I must say. Perhaps typing truthfully really makes things feel a lot better. There were some things that I would more or less do, but cannot verbalise it as yet because the consequences may be dire if these thoughts were leaked before the actual actions itself. Being able to mention it in passing without incurring any negative comments really felt good later on. Thank you, my usual MSN listener =) I'm beginning to whine a bit too much that I truly deserve a tight slap huh? =)

A thought suddenly came over me today.. Perhaps one reason why I was a happier person in JC could be because I was slightly more involved in community service. Perhaps now that I do not have the stress of exams, it's time for me to participate in something meaningful again and prevent my thoughts/emotions from running wild. So... any takers to do volunteer work together?

********

On a lighter note, Singapore was plagued with loads of 'bombings' and even a 'suicide bomber' today. Yes, it's our meant-to-be-surprising little amusing exercise for today. And the hospitals were prepared for the casulties even before the 'bombs exploded'. I really must take my hat off these people. Their ability to predict the future is surprising huh? Even better, to quote off yahoo website:

"In future, he said Singapore plans to hold similar drills on biological attacks - whether man-made or natural outbreaks such as bird flu.

There will also be cross-border collaborations with health officials in neighbouring countries."

Pardon me for my stupidity, but why on earth do you carry out such exercises? Is it really that useful when you've informed the whole at large that you will be conducting it some time? And those in charge don't take part too, they merely observe at the MRT stations. Watching the news just now, some of the casulties look amused themselves. How hilarious can it get? And we are going cross border to teach others? Hmm...

Shallow in thought?

Ever wondered why there's the phrase "deep in thought" but not a "shallow in thought"? It's also another form of thinking but unlike being focused on something, your brain waves are swooshing at all different directions, participating in many a jumble of thoughts all at once..

********

Procrastinating is bad. I meant to type a happy entry yesterday, but felt way too tired to type. Nevermind, I shall try to transport myself back to yesterday and see how successful I am at that.

********

I don't know what came over me, but in the end, I really did type partially about what was bothering me to someone after the dinner on Thursday. Perhaps I'm just not used to confiding, at that point in time, I was just typing and typing, but it was typed all in a matter of fact manner. You know, the kind where you don't have any feelings at the time of "whining"?

But it sure felt happy "chatting" with an old friend I trust. It's been such a long time but you'll always be the friend whom I can totally transform into the irritating little girl behaviour, however old I get. And yahz.. the friend I'll always be grateful to. You know, I wanted you to turn up for my commencement mainly because up till today, I still think I owe my university place to you. If not for your encouragement (not sure if you still remember your banana skill story), your time in helping me with school work (not to mention your scariness), I don't think I'll ever be able to get into uni, much less take the course which I ended up in. So yahz, I owe my degree to you (even though it's not that good, but that's through my own fault..) and now you understand why I want you back before the last Saturday of May (or if you want to be back that day that's your problem, so long as you can get back to see me get called *hopefully I would..*)

Seriously though, it felt good to just type and not worry about news spreading to the wrong people. Even more so when I actually "had company" during office hours yesterday. Typing about I-can't-remember-what just made everything seemed brighter.. I could even light bounce in the office (can't exactly skip like what I used to do across NJ library cause I'm supposedly older and have to supposedly look more mature at work) But, the light hearted feeling just felt much better.. I was even slightly more talkative (as compared to the past few days) when I had lunch with Xinyi too..

Had dinner with Sihao, before he leaves for Australia for his studies. Seeing the so-much-taller him just reminds me of how time flies. And later when we were back home msn-ing, he said something that reminded me so much of the short sms "conversation" I had with another friend about my behaviour at the dinner the night before. Can't help wondering.. have I been a bad influence? Hahahaha..

Oh, and I received an email reply to a letter I hand delivered on Tuesday. Though it was a negative reply, it really didn't affect me at all. Perhaps I really wasn't that keen to uproot myself to what I deem a more hostile environment. And, not to sound rude, their reply was really so dumb. Seriously! Don't ask me to type what they sent here, you go and guess what's so funny about it..

********

I just realise that talking to an imaginary "person" is good mainly because it's so much easier to "talk" to nothing (in that it's so much easier to say what you feel like saying) and it feels so much better after that. I started this entry whilst somewhere on the fine line of breaking down and not, but at the end of this, I'm actually feeling way much better. Still I did a yahoo search earlier to test my suspicions and came up with this:

WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION?

The following are the most common symptoms of depression. If you experience 5 or more of these symptoms for 2 weeks or longer, you are probably depressed.

• Persistent sadness or feeling down or gloomy
• A loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed, such as socializing with friends and family, most of the day, nearly every day.
• Loss of appetite and loss of weight.
• Insomnia. For some people, on the contrary, they find that they are sleeping more than normal.
• Feeling restless and agitated more easily.
• Feeling tired and having little energy.
• Unable to concentrate and think clearly and thereby becoming indecisive.
• Feeling of worthlessness and guilt
• Recurrent thoughts of death

That was from IMH website, by the way.

And of course, I'm not going to count aloud here which criterias I've satisfied. Only that I realised that I've been almost on the verge of tears every other day (if not more often) and often for reasons that are not necessary of that big deal. And the fact that things that could normally stretch my over-bubbliness to a few days are now capable of making me high only for a day at most, thought it's usually for a few hours. And there are times when I really wanted to have a knife stab me, not due to any suicidal thoughts, but more of to feel whether I can feel anything. When a box file fell and brushed past me just now whilst I was still hunting for letter containing a password to a certain database (which I still can't find due to the ultra neatness that I must maintain) I could even calmly and matter of factly wonder why it narrowly missed my spine. But then I remembered my life was at least worth almost $50,000.. The amount that I'll be in debt with if for any reason I can no longer work. At least my "healthiness" is still worth something huh? Though it also proves that I don't have the right to make any decisions, even for myself.

Instead of typing my favourite disclaimer here (the idea of which is getting a bit stale), let's just say, don't worry too much about me. I am, and will be able to pick myself up somehow. Can't help but be reminded of a childhood song that had the phrase.. "zi ji die dao, zi ji pa"

I'll be fine

********

As an after-thought, I forgot to add that I received something that I've wanted through snail mail today. My very own maple leaf transported from Canada! Thank you, Yangzhong! (though I don't think you have this website..)

There you go, the maple leaf that made my morning

Perceptions

Time passed easily today, despite work today not being very much different from any other. In fact, I popped by Benjamin/Laura's room to get IP too. Despite Adrian's suggestion that I get work from partners, I guess I still prefer turning to familiar people, especially since I'm not in that department... yet.

Just as what I told Clarissa today, the trick to surviving work is to have something to look forward to. Nothing else mattered as much today because my main aim was to not stay back too late. And it gave me an excuse not to go for the what-I-deemed-awkward Thursday tea. It's not that I'm very close to the pupils and I really don't feel comfortable socialising for the sake of it. Yet, it's almost a weekly thing that the pupils will turn up unless they're busy, so... Anyway, I just gave the excuse that I had to leave on time today cause I had a dinner appointment, which was true in any case!

Met up with Shamini and Guoxing. I guess my worries yesterday was rather unfounded. It was good to meet up... though I guess I overdid my bubbliness to the point that I was over suaning Guoxing. Hmm.. but it really did felt good cause I could once again revert back to the Yaofang that I was and not by some other description. But things do change over the years... Just like I've changed drastically too. But there's no point in always looking back, cause I'll never learn to appreciate now, right? =)

Un-truthful-ness

Ever exactly sat down and think about how truthful you are?

These days, if I were Pinnochio, my nose length would have broken the world record.

Still remember my analogy about effervescence yesterday? It's like.. not wanting to open the stopper so that external atmosphere will not enter and contaminate the reaction.

Is it because reality, or rather, societal life is harsh? Or am I just afraid to lean?

Or perhaps just as what I type in my nick.. that I'm just bordering upon being extra so I'm afraid to breach that line?

Yesterday afternoon, I suddenly thought of turning to "insecticide".. (Those in the know.. you know what I mean.. those who don't.. please don't be overly smart and really think of the canned chemical yahz?) But yet when insecticide appeared, whatever I wanted to complain just got stuck.

A bit stupid right? No wonder some "idiot" used that word 3 times in 3 consecutive smses.. Haha.. Seriously though, too much faking just results in super numbness to a certain point where I wonder if I would still feel pain if a knife stabbed through (which of course I'm not THAT dumb to do so..)

No wonder my mum said I used to cry a lot when I was a little kid (Though I must add, proudly I must say, that I never cried when I was sent to school! Yes, even on first days!) Cause these days, I just really feel really borrowing someone's shoulders but I just couldn't think of any...

Feeling apprehensive about meeting friends I was once closed to tomorrow.. Will it be another case of 皮笑肉不笑?

Argh... what's wrong with me? It's the new year... Come on.. be cheery CHEERY CHEERY!

A simple gesture means a lot

Was feeling gloomy ever since pupillage resumed. And the gloom worsen over the course of late last week due to some action of a certain person. Granted, I won't be staying. Granted, I am thankful that you took me in. But still, simple things do hurt and affect my opinion. Perhaps that was the catalyst that drove me to react. Yet, just like effervescence occuring in a sealed test tube, that pressure is perhaps a tad difficult to bear.

And so, to ease the pressure, the simplest thing is to remove the cork.. even if it is a slight removal.

I don't know why I choose to tell the person I told today. But I think meeting up with part of the PA people was good, cause the short few minutes of partial confiding actually eased the pressure significantly.. before anything became too hard to bear..

Shall upload the photo another day when I'm less tired..

(Photo uploaded 7/1/2006)

But what significantly brightened up the night and probably the week was a super belated New Year cum Christmas cum birthday card. And I bet the 'idiot' who sent it did so after he received the Christmas card I sent. And he probably forgot my surname too. And he had the cheek to refer to me as "irritating brat" or say that I don't look "the least bit as loving and kind" as the teddy bear in the card. But all that doesn't matter. Even more so when I took a good look at the front of the card which the word "granddaughter" printed on it.

一张普通却意外的卡片, 写满着讽刺却隐藏着关怀, 这就是我收到最棒的礼物, 也是令我最开心的惊喜. 谢谢你, 我亲爱的朋友!

Thank you really, grandfather. It's been years since we've last written postcards and stuff to each other. Yet, one look at the envelope and I knew the super red card was from you. As I read the card, the vague familarity of certain phrases just brought back a flood of memories. I kept saying I miss uniformed school these few days. But what I truly miss is the days of being surrounded by all my dearest friends. Thank you, for bringing back the warmth just when I'm feeling cold. Thank you, Guoxing!

ReVeRiEz on UnCeRtAiNTiEs

Shall start off with better news first. I've cleared my work. Right now, I'm just waiting and waiting to see PL whilst having way too much free time on my hands.

And of course, since I've so much free time, the most normal thing to do is to let my mind wander. Too much free time also allows people to think way too much. To the extent that I'm beginning to have the same thoughts I had approximately 2 weeks ago. Seriously, I really don't know why my perceptions have changed. And it's all a matter of a few months!

Then again, there are certain other things that've changed over the years too. Not that it has totally changed, else I wouldn't be bugged by it right? Can't help but conclude that sometimes, there's no point in over-planning. What's meant to be will be. Why waste so much effort right?

ReVeRiEz on ThE eFFeCts oF TiMe

Can't help but be in the reflective mood again.. Maybe it's the night, or the songs that I was listening to on my way home, or maybe it's just the end of the year again.

These few days, I've been having really weird dreams. It's been half a year since I've graduated from NUS, yet almost everyday, my dreams revolve around me still being in NUS.. either that, or the backdrop of my dreams were all NUS based. Such a familiar feeling. It wasn't too long ago that I would dream of classroom based dreams. How time flies..

Yesterday's dream was interesting. If dreams were a reflection of what goes on in my mind, I seriously have no idea how that dream came about. Or maybe I do. 2 friends from the same faculty were upset.. one said he was and the other just showed it. And I was more worried for the latter. Perhaps that was just a reflection, an indication of real life too, for certain friendships just get more bland along the way..

Read a certain Mr Chan's blog.. He had this quiz that allowed one to reflect on the year that is about to end. And then, there was a certain Mr Tan's nick on MSN that posed a question somewhat to the effect of whether you would change anything if you could turn back time (ehz.. I really can't remember clearly, so if you are reading this, don't blame me if I remembered, wrongly, k, Mr Randall?)

Those who've had read my previous blog (if you haven't and don't know the blog address, hey, that's YOUR problem, not mine.. haha) would know that quite a few events in the previous year made me decide that being cold was the way to be. Compared to the time when I forced myself to be less emotional just because of a comment Jini made before I entered law school, these events were so much better at changing me. At least in my own opinion, I thought I had become a lot colder and numb-er, or so I think.. Thankfully, some things still keep me slightly likeable.. But you know how fried ice-cream is hot on the outside but really cool on the inside? I guess I'm just the opposite.. Cold on the outside but warmer inside.. That is, if I bother to stop being cold..

Speaking of which, I was really thrilled when I got home and saw 2 personal Christmas cards. It's not the number of cards that matter, but the contents and the people who sent it. Thanks Daniel! I'm so sorry I was way too tired to write you a card, but don't worry, I'll send you another card soon! And don't worry, I'm sure ALL of us would remember to meet up in May/June.. Even if you are busy, we can still turn up at your place since you've just given us your address, RIGHT? hahaha...

The other card came from Qiuyan. 10 years. That's how long since I've first known and last seen her. As she aptly pointed out, it's so wonderful to know that somewhere out in the world, there's always another friend.. even if you don't meet up. Reminds me of kor and Guowen too. Net friends of 10 years. Still remembered I knew kor from the S-league chat room when S-league first started.. That's where I knew Johnson too.. As for Guowen, it was a really weird way to start of a net friendship that has since sprawned a decade. I think we've only chatted once before he mailed me a Christmas card. Still have that card till now. Hmm.. wonder how he's been now.. and wonder when he'll see the Christmas card I sent, as per our usual habit each Christmas..

Although people do grow up and things become different, certain things will always remain the same in some tiny corner in your heart. Maybe that's what makes me still so childish a person. Whatever the case, let's hope that the friendship that I treasure most will not be eroded along with time...

Note: The certain Mr Radio just put up his sub-nick again just for me (or so he says) though I think it's more likely that he just wants me to put up his sub-nick correctly. Anyway, it's supposed to be "if you could rewind your time, would you change your life" It's not that much different from what I remembered, right? =p

ReVeRieZ on SoMe BoLiaOz PeRsOnaLiTy TeSts

Saw the link on my sister's blog, so since I'm still waiting for my hair to dry and not wanting to use my brain, I decided to try it...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

That was rather accurate I must say... or at least that's what I think

[30 Dec 2005: Now that I look at it.. it's not that accurate either. For eg. the part about never breaking a commitment.. NEVER is a bit too extreme.. and I can think of commitments that I would break already.. Hmm...]

ReVeRiEz on I dUn NeEd LiGhTsTiCkS!

Haha.. to those in the know.. sorry, I just had to make that comment which's targetted at one particular non-reader of this blog, or so I assume..

Anyway, since I'm still as free as ever now, I just have to type this..

Thank you to all those who smsed!! I feel so loved!! Really..

Who cares if no one celebrates your birthday with you? It's all a matter of perspective.. With everyone so busy, a simple sms will do just as fine.. Or maybe I'm just easy to please.. but I'm in an extra cheery mood today =)

Oh, and you know what? I've already received my best birthday presents.. and that's having and keeping all my friends.. =) Thank you!!!!!!! =)

ReVeRieZ on GrOwInG uP

Just couldn't help but point out that time passes really quickly. It seems just like yesterday when I had to deal with a bunch of really noisy kids. And today, one of the noisier bunch of them have officially graduated. Whether they'll go on to Sec 5, or that they'll be proceeding along the ITE path, I'm still super proud of them. Really.. =)

ReVeRiEz on WaTeR DrOpLeTs..

This is getting pretty bad. I think I'm on the verge of sinking into a bout of depression again.
Don't know why I just suddenly want to borrow a shoulder for 10 seconds... 10 seconds will be enough.. I think..
Really like MayDay's latest song's lyrics.. 才发现 笑着哭 最痛

ReVeRiEz on ThE ThiRd dAy oF PuPiLLaGe..

This seriously reminds me of a Christmas carol.. Must be due to the Christmas trivia questions I compiled yesterday at work, just for our Christmas function next week..
Somehow I think if not for the need to finish pupillage in time for mass call, or rather, the fact that I want my license, I would probably do enough to get myself fired.. Ok lahz.. not fired, more of getting myself into trouble. Perhaps the motivation and the love and zest for work has left me.. so that I couldn't be bothered less about proving myself.. Afterall, there's nothing much you can prove when you have hardly anything to do other than waiting and waiting, right?
3rd day back at work and 2nd day of pondering whether coming over here was a bad move. Or rather, whether I would want to, have the guts to seek greener pastures elsewhere. Or will these greener pastures eventually turn out to be yellowish grasslands instead? I mean, the grass always seems greener elsewhere, but when you are at it, it's no longer as green.
Why do I admire my pupil master so much? Is it really because of his style? Or is merely because he's an extremely nice pupil master, especially after having to deal with male and female bitches (I know male dogs are not bitches.. but... basically that's how you would describe some guys) Or perhaps it's just cause he's my pupil master?
Frankly, I don't know exactly. As I look back and review, I really can't help but notice that Adrian makes a much better pupil master (not that he can be a pupil master though) or even Mr Marini.. All the things I've learnt from my attachments at the smaller firms add up to a whole lot more than what I've learnt here. I guess... big firms and small ones have their own advantages.. Big firms tend to give you more perks... Yet, small firms throw you into the deep end, so that you have to learn to swim faster, else you sink..
I seriously think I've a self-torturing streak in me, considering that I actually prefer working than having nothing much to do. But that's where you learn too, right?
Class chalet tomorrow.. Supposed to help buy food... I seriously hope I can get up or at least not die of tiredness... =)

ReVeRiEz on WaY tOo MuCh TiMe On HaNd

2nd day back at work.. Things have become slightly better, at least I didn't have to stone for the entire day. But... I guess it's just me being biased and ungrateful.

I guess my mum was right when she suddenly mentioned about me hating a lack of work. True. Whenever I've way too much time at work, it just makes me less motivated to work.. Like, going to work is such a drag, cause I'll just be stoning when everyone else is working.. and yet, I have to pretend that I am busy doing work..

Zapped the pupillage checklist for my pupil master today. As I was glancing through the list, I realised that I learnt little of what is stated in the checklist. Coupled with hearing how others are faring in other firms, I just can't help but wonder again. And I can't help recalling that Vincent had told me the other time when I asked for his help in getting me another pupillage position, that I should avoid changing my pupil master too often. I can't imagine what he would say if he hears of me jumping ship. Tell him first, cause he got me the position, and it'll seem like I'm telling on the firm. Tell the firm, and I'll be equally disrespectful by not informing him before hand. Not only that, but I'm quite sure I don't know how to face my pupil master either. But... I do not have as much time as the rest to learn. Like what Peng Fong said... my learning curve has to be steeper than the rest. If I continue to stay here for my pupillage, I'll only be putting myself at a disadvantage. I guess it's very much like having a ticking countdown timer.. the short amount of time I have to learn is getting shorter and shorter as I type this.. And having "not wanting to 对不起 老板, pupil master, Mr Lek etc etc" doesn't count very much as suitably not-lame reasons for staying right?

I guess staying committed to something is simply not my cup of tea.. Over forcing myself to be cheery and bubbly just plunges me into deeper gloom once I'm out of the act.. I'll snap out of it once I leave for work again tomorrow.. Just make sure I don't walk towards Caltex House and beyond again tomorrow, like what I did today. UOB and Caltex House.. that's like 2 opposite directions. Trust me to do such nonsense unwittingly.. Haha...

On an even lighter note.. I haven't seen a certain Mr Chai online for quite a while. Wonder if my really ex worldwide speed post has reached him. Otherwise, I'll want to strangle SingPost. Afterall, I don't use worldwide speed post for the sake of burning money, do I?

ReVeRiEz on FiRsT DaY bAcK fOr PuPiLLaGe

Just got back from KL yesterday night. The trip was fine. Loads of walking. I'm even impressed that I actually had the guts to go up Batu Caves, considering my severe fear of heights. But, having spent RM50 on that day trip.. obviously I wasn't going to let that money go to waste. Haha.. I do believe I have a self-torturing streak in me.. haha...

********

Back for pupillage today. After months of looking forward to being back, I really don't understand why the gloom that I really can't get rid off.

Perhaps I'm just another spoilt brat. When I saw the schedule today, I really don't understand why the gloom just crept in. It's not that I dislike Real Estate... but I just don't understand why the 1 month stinct there. And another at IP, then banking and Corp Fin. It's actually a very well spread out schedule. It's just that.. there's no more Liti, I guess.. Not that I should complain. Paul had to redo the whole schedule for the pupils just to fit me in, so whatever schedule I get, I don't have a right to complain, simply because they've already been super nice to accomodate me for the pupillage (I know Weiling said I shouldn't think about it that way, since I'm doing work too.. but I just can't.. Perhaps it's just inferior complex.. Despite hating some guy for sort of implying that I got in cause of contacts, the fact is, I really did! I really can't get rid of the thought that I didn't get in on my own accord. Stupid thought, but yes, that's me..) And, I mean, the others actually had a nice schedule before Paul had to redo this and I heard one guy being unhappy with the Schedule... only that... none actually realised why the schedule was tweaked.. so basically, I really don't have any right to be upset, right?

But.. everyone else will be staying, so even if they don't get to stay in the department they like for a longer while during pupillage, the fact is, they would still get to be where they want when they start practising.. For me, even if I'm going to practise, I'm not going to stay in the firm.. so pupillage is the only chance I get to learn from the pupil master I admire a lot. It's like.. I recalled Peng Fong actually mentioning before that I should follow my pupil master for at least one case.. from the start... and I actually said I'll ask my pupil master when I come back again for pupillage.. Yet, I don't think I'll have a chance to do that... considering that I don't even know whether I'll ever practise... Besides, that one month in Liti will not be sufficient for me to survive if I were to attempt to practise elsewhere. In fact, when Weiling was talking about her work today.. I don't know why, but I just felt so envious.

I sound totally like a spoilt brat now.. Just like some other schoolmates who whine and whine about doing work that they don't like, that they think is not useful. Frankly, it's not that I don't like my postings... they are great.. or maybe I just had too much time in my hands to let gloom envelope me today... There was absolutely nothing to do all the way till 6pm.. for that matter, work came in only at 6pm... and it's more or less done... so I'm still wondering what I'll do to rot tomorrow morning.. I had the sudden thought of changing firms today... just so that I can learn more elsewhere... but the memory that I got in here THROUGH contacts (and so, I can't really change at will) and the thought that I still wanted my pupil master as my pupil master reminded me of my foolishness..

Perhaps it's just the tiredness that's making me down.. It was the same feeling when Paul briefed us about the firm's retention policy today. Somehow, the weird me just felt weird again.. like.. I wasn't supposed to be there... especially when I know I'm not going to stay on, no matter what.. Couldn't help but notice that Paul said the firm would try its best to retain all 11 pupils.. that number would have included me... but the problem is... I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.. they've already been way too nice to take me in.. there is no way, no reason whatsoever to keep someone who didn't even get in through the interviews... much as I tried not to be a pupil that my pupil master would be ashamed to have.. somehow, I still think I'm the worst pupil in the firm... And despite this niceness on their part, I'm still feeling gloomy today.. what an ungrateful brat.. I need to SNAP OUT OF IT NOW!!

Interestingly, typing this entire incoherent entry actually made me feel so much better.. With a smile etched on my face, tomorrow will be a better day.

ReVeRiEz on PaNiC AtTaCk!

This IS bad.. My severe panic attack strikes again and I simply can't calm myself down. I can even feel my heart racing at unknown heartbeats per second, and the panic is just making it difficult to concentrate.. What's wrong with me?
Somehow, MSN is both a boon and a bane.. Good in the sense that it provides some form of distraction when I need a break from absorbing, and chatting with some calms be down.. Yet, on the other hand, the speed at how most people seem to be progressing is severely stressing me out, I think..
I'll be fine.. I'll be fine... I'll be fine... ermz.. right?

ReVeRiEz on A CoLd TuEsDaY

It's a bit hard not to notice that the rainy season is here again. Funny, has it been a while since it rained so hard during the rainy season? These few days, I seem to have the uncanny feeling that I've felt this before many many years ago, yet, that sense of familarity, I simply couldn't grasp why. It was just a feeling of coolness with a tinge of helplessness and deja vu... and I can't even put my finger to when I last felt this.. It's just... a long while ago, I think..

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The weather is so cold today, I really didn't want to get up. This is really bad, considering that the exams start next Monday and I'm no where finishing my revision for my first paper. Has my attention span got so much worse? Or have I always been like that? To make matters worse, my panic attacks have started popping up, and I can't study when I'm panicking... gosh.. Anyone wants to suggest anywhere for me to study in? (Weiguang's idea of studying in the Science library is so not practical.. I'll feel so out of place there!!! But truly, I think a change of environment to study in would do me a bit of good.. I think)
How how how?? Would I survive PLC at all????? Argh....

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Updated: To Daniel's suggestion that I cane myself when I don't study.. NOT BAD!! But I'll look like a badly abused kid at the end of my exams... and who's fault is that? =p
Further updated: This is really boliaoz.. but..

DaNtAw says:u study hard ah.. and i will reward u a sweet next time..
ReVeRiEzz "I'm COLD!!! Brrrr..." says: i want a CUTE sweet, can?
DaNtAw says: of course!!

Haha... Daniel owes me a CUTE sweet now.. haha.. =) Somehow, I think Daniel regrets this already.. Haha

ReVeRiEz on TiMe

I must be a nocturnal animal in a human shell.. Somehow, I just don't seem to study well in the day. Anyway, was clearing my 'My Received Files' folder, and chanced upon some photos that I haven't seen in a long long while

That was VSA camp 2003, the first time that we (ie. me, Qi and GK) participated in the camp. I started off being highly apprehensive.. me? looking after the disabled? But things wasn't as bad as I thought. In fact, my group was one of the easiest to handle.. The most well behaved. And the volunteers from that camp seemed to be closer, at least in my opinion.

And then, VSA camp 2004 came and went. Vicknesh had school and so, the rather lousy camp coordinates switched my group approximately 2.5 hours before we were supposed to turn up. Somehow, June ought be quite rather honoured.. My memories of the camp was mainly me and Weishi shouting at her for god knows how long.. or Qi Guang for that matter, for his lack of manners to those who were nicer to him (ie. Roy) Over-protective of my fellow group volunteer? or just plainly more bad-tempered? I don't know. But the camp did made me lose utter respect for some supposedly in authority figure, I suppose..

Thanks to the 2003 camp, some of us volunteers remained in touch. Though we started off having absolutely nothing to say at our birthday gatherings.. I guess it's better now, as compared to Daniel's 1st birthday celebration, though I wonder why we're always meeting up for someone's birthday. Luckily, our birthdays are at least spread-out a little, so we still get to meet at different times in the year (though I realised.. aside from Gary whose birthday is in January, none of us have birthdays in the first half of the year.. Daniel's birthday is also much closer to the second half of the year too)

This year's VSA camp, I doubt any of us would be taking part. Wonder how the camp would be like this year, and whether Benson is going again.. In any case, even though these camps and other voluntary stuff may have been tedious, it's all part of my growing up. (Can't help but be reminded of Yunxiang and Shixiang.. wonder how they are now.. )

Just like tuition. Last year, it was Karen. This year, Darryl's graduating (or rather, he's finished his O levels by now). Didn't exactly get a chance to get anything for Darryl, since his mum cancelled the last tuition (which also means I've to sms her for my pay.. something which I dislike doing) Four years already, time flies doesn't it?

This time next year.. What would I be doing? What would I be thinking about?

One thing for sure... I'll still be in the process of growing up.. and getting more reticient (however it's spelt) .. and perhaps in Calvin's words.. mysterious (am I? hahahah....)

Disclaimer (it's been a long while since I've resorted to this huh?): In case you are wondering why these posts sound sian, yah lahz.. I admit I'm feeling gloomy and perhaps a tad irritable lately.. and my various means of external stimulus can only get me chirpier for a short while.. I'll be fine in a short while.. I'm sure =)

Updated on 22nd Nov: Just for the sake of completeness, according to my highly reliable source(aka Gary) there won't be any need for volunteers this year. Ah well.. who cares?

ReVeRiEz on On-ThE-JoB TrAiNiNg

A bit tired of studying (okiez.. I agree I'm permanently tired of studying, but that's not the point).. Anyway, as I was saying.. I'm just way too sianz of doing notes (at least that was what I did the whole of yesterday, well almost) so I shall slack a little while more.

Just got back from on-the-job training.. It's been a long while since I could feel for people, I think, yet somehow, today's short little OTJ just made me feel more human, less cold. It's been a long long time since I've done any volunteer work, even the last VSA camp was almost a year ago. But VSA camp, with all the scoldings (aimed at some uncooperative campers) and being pissed off (esp by the lousy-at least-in-my-humble-opinion social worker) didn't help me find the compassion that I once had..

Must be the lack of rest and the do-i-have-a-home syndrome acting up again. Else, how could I actually feel for others?

Photos from Last Edu-dine!

Since Clarissa has just sent me the photos, I thought I would just upload them.

With Beatrice

With Clarissa

ReVeRiEz on My pErFeCt FrIeNdS

Even if I do not have a very decent family atmosphere, I still think I'm one of the luckiest persons on earth.. You know why?

Cause I have the MOST perfect friends in the world!

And you know what?

I LOVE my friends!

Even if I have to power to change, I'll never want to be someone else, even if it means I would shed less tears in a place where most people feel safe in. Simply because, I feel like the luckiest person on earth to have these people as my friends. Where else can you find friends who allow you to be the brattiest (of there's such a word) of brats all the time?

* * * * * * * *

Calvin, thanks for borrowing 7.2kg worth of books and lugging them all the way to my lift door! You know, even my dad wouldn't do that for me.. In fact I'll be thankful if I'm not the one who's supposed to carry those heavy stuff instead.. And you could have gone home directly too, then you wouldn't have to walk in the rain when you had your laptop with you.. I mean, lugging those books cannot be more important as compared to you not falling sick during exams (touch wood) and protecting your laptop.. 谢谢!

On the same note, Koon, thanks for obliging me with those books, and all the way to Chinatown too. Chinatown Point is not far from subordinate courts, and it's awfully near if you were to compare Chinatown to NUS, Chinatown to Yishun or Chinatown to Town area. You know, even though the 'Gan ma' label has stuck on since JC, you've always behaved so much more like a Da Ge that I've always wished I had, catering to all my unreasonable behaviour and taking them with a pinch of salt, to the point that... I think you're one of the causes of me being a brat lohz.. *points finger at you* But seriously, by the looks of it, I think I'll never be able to finish paying off all the 人情债 I owe you by the end of this lifetime lohz... so you have to think twice about being nice, or you better start demanding favours from me yahz?

okok.. these two paragraphs look weird here.. but, I doubt I'll say such things in real life.. weird lahz... anyway, I think I need to stop, else my eyes will start brimming with tears.. disgustingly over-emotional, I must agree.. How else would Jini once comment that I'm not cut out for law? haha..

ReVeRiEz oN iT'S tHe CoMpAnY yOu HaVe tHaT mAtTeRs

Really couldn't help but be reminded of a particular scene some TCS drama 7 years ago where Ann Kok's character made a really apt statement about how one's company mattered more than the surrounding circumstances.

So often, each of us can have different reaction to the same thing done by a different person.. Just as being in the company of different people invoke different reactions.

Met up with Alicia and Itak today. Not that we did much different either... just food and walking around.. and there were periods of silences too. But unlike in many other occasions, silence did not equate with awkwardness. It was just a feeling of comfortable silence and that's it.

Interestingly, I realised that it wasn't too difficult disclosing more matters than what I normally would too. Don't know why, but at that moment, I couldn't help but compare how different it was with another supposedly close friend. Itak da ge was simply very much like a da ge I could trust.. and I could just speak my mind freely and matter-of-factly, without worrying that whatever I had uttered would turn into a weapon used to hurt me later on.

Really couldn't help but recall what popped into my mind again not too long ago. It seems that as time flies pass, the friends that I treasure most are still those I've met before Uni.. (okiez.. with the exception of a really small tiny minority) They're the ones who can still brighten my day just by their presence even on the gloomiest days. They're the ones who I would be willing to do anything for, just as many of them have become my pillars of support over the years. And I'll always be indebted to them, for providing their rays of sunshine..

ReVeRiEz on cOnFiDaNtEs..

Somehow the spelling looks weird, but in any case, what matters is that I understand what I'm typing right?

Whilst typing this entry I'm actually chatting with a friend on a separate window. This kind of night, this kind of weather coupled with being able to chat with a trusted friend, or rather confiding in the friend and letting out some pent-up stress within... it just feels very comfortable and relaxing.. so much so that I don't want to sleep at all

Can't help but be reminded of Itak and for that matter, Darmaji.. It's been years since I chatted with them on the phone or through sms through the night.. In fact, I think they're the only ones whom I've actually used a phone to chat with in the wee hours of the morning, in the dark study room, hidden somewhere amongst my tables.. or if it's sms... I'll be lying on my pillow and smsing away..

And whilst typing this, my runaway imagination is beginning to dream of sitting back to back with a close friend and just talk...... just like JC days perhaps...

I love the night... cause it makes the insecure me most secure.. especially with the cool weather... (but don't ask me why much as I love the night, I'm also scared of the night... I'm just plain contradictory huh?)

How much do I trust people? I really don't know.. Still remembered Kok Sing and his naggy backlash theory. Why do I feel more comfortable talking about my thoughts when I don't see the other party? And even so, why do I still not type/write everything? Hmm..

Still.. the feeling tonight is just very comfortable. something I haven't felt in a long long long time.. Perhaps I'll just savour and quit analysing yahz?

And of course, considering that I still don't feel comfortable showing emotions to people.. Thank you, the unfortunate friend whom I've been chatting with.. it really feels very dreamily nice today.. truly.. =)

ReVeRiEz on A mIxEd pLeThOrA oF tHiNgS

Somehow, my titles are getting lamer and lamer. Sooner or later, I'll be forced to abandon my theme (in case no one has ever noticed, it's 'ReVeRiEz on -----')

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CDR today.

It's high time I put a stop to my paranoid nature. It's just a 10-15 minutes CDR and there wasn't much to prepare. So why on earth did I turn cold at the thought of it? And it's not the first time this week either. On Monday, I freaked myself out too, at the thought of temp-ing as an admin staff in Legal. It's not like I've never worked there before. Besides it was just a 3 day temp job! What's wrong with me??

Anyway, CDR was... fun? Not much was done today. It was more of a mini lecture on how a CDR is carried out, with us taking a minor role in the simulated programme today. I love the part about refusing to budge from a particular position and telling the judge that one had tried hard at persuading the client before getting to that figure. Mental note: must be more firm!

Not that I would have much chance to do that either. I don't even know where I will be, what I will be doing this time next year. Except that I won't be staying on after pupillage, that is. No matter how I've tried, I just can't get rid of the feeling that I am leeching on them, and my pupil master just because of Income. I didn't get in on my own accord, and that makes me feel inferior, even to a certain Mr Sunil. A case of thinking to much, right? Much as I truly absolutely admire my pupil master, I really do not want to be a burdensome leech. Then again, what I think now may not be what the situation is then. Just like me not wanting to do pupillage at Rodyk because of Income, yet after everything, I'm back at square 1 again. Hmm...

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The two days temp (at least for now) were quite fine actually. Once again, it was just paranoid me thinking too much and freaking myself out on Monday. Still don't understand why Vincent wanted an extra staff just because Han was on leave. I mean, it's not like they really needed another admin stuff other than Irene. A mental count of the amount of admin work done in 2 days came up to less than 10 tasks, each being less than 5 minutes (or somewhere around there). The rest of the time was spent doing legal stuff for Vincent. And he already has 3 interns (and he's the mentor of one of the interns)!! But the presence of interns do stress me out a bit. Somehow, I think they're brilliant (even the two Temasek poly gals) and Christina is even better. I feel quite dumb now, and I'm supposed to be their scholar right? Sigh.. who ever has heard of a dumb scholar??

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Ok, I really really can't help not typing this. Dip Sing guys are so nice!!!! Okiez, enough of the emphasis, but they really ARE very nice, as compared to so many other guys I know. Was in the lift today when my Plaintiff mentioned that he preferred Suntec to Raffles Place, and I merely 'complained' that I preferred Raffles Place instead, simply because I didn't have to walk through such longer distance. And then, my Plaintiff (okiez.. I think I need to stop calling my Plaintiff as Plaintiff.. haah) simply offered to give me a lift to the station!! Nice right? Just like the other day when Yinghuan, Rongxuan and I needed to get to Supreme court and couldn't get a cab. I started walking back towards Subcourts, hoping that there might be some empty ones there else we would be late! Then, I saw Kum Fu (correct spelling? Hmm... ) walking out of Subordinate Courts and since he's in the same tutorial class, which meant we were equally unlucky to be down for the dumb Legal Technology Workshop (which should be more aptly renamed as Hard Sale of Legal Tech Session), I merely asked if he wanted to go with us. And he simply replied that he has a car and offerred a lift!

okiez.. in my mum's words, I'm so easily pleased.. but still, I don't really see such behaviour in the guys I know, really! I'll be glad if I didn't have to play big sister to some, or tolerate some others' behaviour.. Wonder if it's just me, or in another friend's words 'What did NUS do to the guys?' Hmm....

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And finally, had a weird dream this afternoon. Okiez, I shall correct that a little. The dream was not weird per se, but the rational analysis of why I had the dream made it weird. For one, one main character in my dream was someone I had not been in contact with in a long long while. And it's the 2nd time in a matter of one month, I supposed, that this person appeared in my dream. Weird right? Haha, but even when I'm asleep, I'm still partially alert. There was one scene when my sis told me the person was in the Police force, and my first reaction, at least in the dream was, this person took up a Navy scholarship, so why the Police force? Later when I got up, I 'discovered' more discrepancies.. something to the point of the birthday mentioned should not be correct.

And no.. I'm not weird in analysing my dream! It's just that.. I really can't understand why the dream. Hmm...

Wonder if I'll see that senior of mine anytime in future. Irregardlessly (is there such a word? Hmm..) that senior will always be a senior that I look up to..

ReVeRiEz on AtTaChMeNt

Before I rush off for my CPCM review session, I shall type some quick reflections for the past few days..

And just in case, nopez.. this does not have anything to do with job attachment per se, but emotionally attachment.

Not that there has been many things happening lately, but small, insignificant events are usually those that have the greatest impact. For one, I realised a friend whom I used to believe was a close friend was no longer as important a friend to me. And of course, I was reminded about how much certain group/category of people meant to me.

Time really does flies. It's already been 2 years since I've known them. From the little kids they were, to the still as lively as ever soon-to-be secondary school graduants, their smiles and tears have all left a deep impression in me. Perhaps what I type makes me sound awfully old, you know, like the mother hen and little chick game where I used to play in primary school, but no matter how physically/emotionally tired I get, just watching them makes everything feel better. And it doesn't matter whether they understand or appreciate it, just watching them grow up (and for some, change) stronger, happily, through the years is good enough.. And soon, they'll each be pursuing their own goals in life.

Do hope they'll do well for their exams next week.. really..

Good luck 4A, 4B, 4D! It's been my pleasure to have known and grow up with you over the years. You've taught me a lot more than I can learn anywhere else, and have given me a lot more happiness (not to mention anger too, at times) in the process. I'll really miss being with all of you at one single time