Just got back from KL yesterday night. The trip was fine. Loads of walking. I'm even impressed that I actually had the guts to go up Batu Caves, considering my severe fear of heights. But, having spent RM50 on that day trip.. obviously I wasn't going to let that money go to waste. Haha.. I do believe I have a self-torturing streak in me.. haha...
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Back for pupillage today. After months of looking forward to being back, I really don't understand why the gloom that I really can't get rid off.
Perhaps I'm just another spoilt brat. When I saw the schedule today, I really don't understand why the gloom just crept in. It's not that I dislike Real Estate... but I just don't understand why the 1 month stinct there. And another at IP, then banking and Corp Fin. It's actually a very well spread out schedule. It's just that.. there's no more Liti, I guess.. Not that I should complain. Paul had to redo the whole schedule for the pupils just to fit me in, so whatever schedule I get, I don't have a right to complain, simply because they've already been super nice to accomodate me for the pupillage (I know Weiling said I shouldn't think about it that way, since I'm doing work too.. but I just can't.. Perhaps it's just inferior complex.. Despite hating some guy for sort of implying that I got in cause of contacts, the fact is, I really did! I really can't get rid of the thought that I didn't get in on my own accord. Stupid thought, but yes, that's me..) And, I mean, the others actually had a nice schedule before Paul had to redo this and I heard one guy being unhappy with the Schedule... only that... none actually realised why the schedule was tweaked.. so basically, I really don't have any right to be upset, right?
But.. everyone else will be staying, so even if they don't get to stay in the department they like for a longer while during pupillage, the fact is, they would still get to be where they want when they start practising.. For me, even if I'm going to practise, I'm not going to stay in the firm.. so pupillage is the only chance I get to learn from the pupil master I admire a lot. It's like.. I recalled Peng Fong actually mentioning before that I should follow my pupil master for at least one case.. from the start... and I actually said I'll ask my pupil master when I come back again for pupillage.. Yet, I don't think I'll have a chance to do that... considering that I don't even know whether I'll ever practise... Besides, that one month in Liti will not be sufficient for me to survive if I were to attempt to practise elsewhere. In fact, when Weiling was talking about her work today.. I don't know why, but I just felt so envious.
I sound totally like a spoilt brat now.. Just like some other schoolmates who whine and whine about doing work that they don't like, that they think is not useful. Frankly, it's not that I don't like my postings... they are great.. or maybe I just had too much time in my hands to let gloom envelope me today... There was absolutely nothing to do all the way till 6pm.. for that matter, work came in only at 6pm... and it's more or less done... so I'm still wondering what I'll do to rot tomorrow morning.. I had the sudden thought of changing firms today... just so that I can learn more elsewhere... but the memory that I got in here THROUGH contacts (and so, I can't really change at will) and the thought that I still wanted my pupil master as my pupil master reminded me of my foolishness..
Perhaps it's just the tiredness that's making me down.. It was the same feeling when Paul briefed us about the firm's retention policy today. Somehow, the weird me just felt weird again.. like.. I wasn't supposed to be there... especially when I know I'm not going to stay on, no matter what.. Couldn't help but notice that Paul said the firm would try its best to retain all 11 pupils.. that number would have included me... but the problem is... I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.. they've already been way too nice to take me in.. there is no way, no reason whatsoever to keep someone who didn't even get in through the interviews... much as I tried not to be a pupil that my pupil master would be ashamed to have.. somehow, I still think I'm the worst pupil in the firm... And despite this niceness on their part, I'm still feeling gloomy today.. what an ungrateful brat.. I need to SNAP OUT OF IT NOW!!
Interestingly, typing this entire incoherent entry actually made me feel so much better.. With a smile etched on my face, tomorrow will be a better day.
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