我们没有在一起

词:黄婷
曲:陈韦伶

你一直說的那個公園已經拆了
還記得盪著秋千日子就飛起來
漫漫的下午陽光都在臉上撒野
你那傻氣 我真是想念

那時候小小的你還沒學會嘆氣
誰又會想到他們現在喊我女王
你哈哈笑的樣子倒是一點沒變
時間走了 誰還在等呢

這杯咖啡忘了加糖
真不是我那麼傷感
世界太復雜 你說单純很難
我當然都明白

可是呀只有你曾陪我在最初的地方
只有你才能了解我要的夢從來不大
我們沒有一起至少還像情侶一樣
我痛的瘋的傷的在你面前哭得最慘

我知道你也不能帶我回到那個地方
你說你現在很好而喜歡回憶很長
我們沒有一起至少還像家人一樣
總是遠遠關心遠遠分享

...

我们没有一起至少还像朋友一样
你远远的关心 其实更长

******

Heard this on radio on Wednesday. The lazy yet wistful tune somehow made it ultra addictive to me. Coupled with the fact that the DJs mentioned one listener smsed that they should pay attention to the lyrics. It's been the most played song for the past few days... on my mp3 =)

Wistful but a really addictive song..

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday, Honey 2!!! =)

Happy birthday, Chee Min!!

Happy birthday to someone else, who's the reason why I always remember the deadline for income tax submission (argh!), and everyone else's birthday and Sion Yoong's a day before..

******

Haven't had time to sit down and truly blog. Or rather, haven't had the driving force to do so for quite some time. A lot of things have happened throughout this period of time, but no worries, I've been doing really well =) [Haha.. is anyone even worrying in the 1st place?]

When one door shuts, another will open up.

Teochew lessons ended like exactly 2 weeks ago. It was really made up of mainly weirdos, many of whom slowly dropped out towards the end, thankfully. Amusingly though, it was only at the end of the last lesson that I made a friend in the class. I've absolutely no idea why I agreed to take the lift from Jiahan, but I'm glad I did.

Just like how I've absolutely no idea what came over me to befriend 2 other strangers. Whilst I still have doubts about a lot of what C says, C's ultra infectious optimism made it almost impossible to not be infected. Not to mention the way he talks reminds me totally of a particular senior either. And Mr Teh has turned from a stranger to someone I can chat about absolutely anything with.

Just like I've said, a lot of things have transpired since the last entry, but overall, things are really not too bad. Not to mention Melissa's going to be my sec again starting next month. =)

Ok, plenty of other things that I've been wanting to type, but first, off to clear things off my table!

Job Hazards..

Amended one of my earlier posts since one particular phrase may/may not give rise to a defamation suit (whether the suit is successful or not is another matter altogether. Still, for my wrong choice of words, I apologise.

Although I couldn't help but thought, if you cannot take certain comments, then maybe you shouldn't be snooping around. That'll save you the trouble of putting it up on your msn nick. =)

Ok lah, but that said, I need to be less aggro and learn to be more zen in the brand new year too. (Actually, that's pretty much a job hazard too, come to think of it.) That shall be another resolution too! Those shaking your heads, stop it hor. Maybe I should ask Adrian how he mellowed down over the years. Hmm..

Someday, I'll probably get killed along the streets

Well, but before that happens, I must say that I'm still horrendously childish and simple cheap thrills actually made my day. Thanks so much, Mr Ang! =)

On another note, pineapple tarts!! Don't look that pretty, but hey, they taste nice and are easy to made. I wonder if I can make a bigger second batch next week. =)

PS: Yes, I really meant my subject title. Seriously, do I look like I can fight 3 guys on my own? If not, why the hell did you ask me to go down and settle matters? That's how much my life's worth huh?

Volunteer with an agenda?

Received a horrifyingly hilarious phone call this afternoon. Essentially, the caller was trying to find someone to do pro bono work with so that parties could cross refer clients.

Volunteer and then try to get these people to pay you for work? I thought it is disgusting enough that people in jc volunteer for the sake of the community service hours and cannot be bothered to put their hearts into what they are doing. An adult doing the same for the sole selfish reason of gaining clientele? That sounds not any better. Especially when you were trying to convince others that it's no big deal cause other [insert race] lawyers are doing it to. That's even more disgusting.

Like I said, I think it's against the rule. And even if it isn't, it's against my principles. Volunteering should be done only if you truly mean it, not when you have some other hidden agenda. Otherwise, I can tell you I truly despise you.

That, is at least something that I'm sure of, and you can rest assure that I'm proud of my stand, even if it sounds prudish to you.

This shall be the last time....

I'll allow myself to contribute to the reservoirs because of you.

Come to think of it, you're the only friend who has made me tear-ed up more than once and still survive through the usual yellow cards that I love dishing out to people. Why? Because you were one of those who helped me survive through JC? Because I'm grateful for the times when you were always there to cheer me on, make me smile? I don't know. But what I do know is, for all these reasons, you ended up having been one of those friends who really mattered a lot...

Still remembered the first time I ended up tear-ing, it was just before you entered uni and had just received your latest posting results. Instead of letting me show concern, you effectively pushed my concern away with your "good what, you're in law school" and your "law student" snide remarks, as though being a law student was some terrible fault of mine, making me not worthy to be your friend. I've heard those snide remarks before, from some primary school schoolmates when I was in RGS, but that didn't hurt as badly, cause they were not my friends. But from you? I've always wanted to know, but I know I'll never get the answer from you... Am I that not worth it as a friend? You've even made it very clear, whether on purpose or not, in one of your latest blog entries when you said you met up with ALL your friends, after cancelling the word "most". Yeah, I'm not your friend, that's why you didn't have time to meet up for dinner at all after agreeing to it. Why? Cause there were more important people whom you had to meet on a daily basis. Call me petty, jealous if you want, but yes, it showed how unimportant an acquaintance I am, and yes, it hurts.

Frankly, after the 1st incident, I should have known better and struck you off my important friends list. You remarked once in jc that we've not had any storms in our friendship and we should create one to make it more interesting? Congrats, you managed to do so not long after that. Why? Do grades really matter that much? Must I really be dumb-er in terms of grades in order to be a friend?

But like what I kept telling my other friends, I'm idiotically useless. Despite all that, I was still reminded of a dream I had at 18 years old, a scary dream where the tears in it felt so real I can still remember how upset I felt about losing that friend in that dream. And so, even if I've said long ago in another entry about removing excess baggage (yes, I was referring to you), I still couldn't help but find time to get you that and then deliver it to your place, even when I was really tired last night.

Talking about last night, I'm beginning to wonder whether I was really lying when I wrote that it didn't matter to me whether you decide to bring it along to US or not. Well, at least at the time of writing, I thought I was lying. I mean, if I couldn't be bothered, I wouldn't have even bothered getting it and delivering it. But then, when you said you still had space in your luggage, it's light and so you can always bring it along, I wasn't that happy either. It felt a lot more like a stab, now that I've decided to make myself write you off. Even when you offered to walk me to the bus stop and keep me company whilst I wait for the bus, it felt a lot more like stabs, reminding me of what the long time friendship could be, but will never be. Yeah, and I acted cool by refusing it firmly. But you know what? The moment you went off, the useless tears started to roll (discreetly?) for the demise of a friendship and refused to stop until a long while later..Useless right? Well, at least I'm proud of the fact that I stood my ground about not sending you off even if I woke up quite a no. of times and was consciously aware of the time.

Whatever the case, yes, a particular person can be proud that she's won hands down. But it's ok, I'm not that unworthy a friend to some others who'll still dote on me and share the ups and downs of their lives, right?

In any case, I'm really happy to note that you've made more friends at your previous jobs, given how you didn't seem to have a lot of friends who were truly concerned about you before that (save for the 2 of your closest friends).

And even if you're never going to see this, take care of yourself yah? Try making a few more allies whilst you're there so that the 18 months will be much more enjoyable, yah?

旧的不去，新的不来

A new year, a new start. Even within the short span of a few weeks, 2010 seem to have brought quite a bit of change to those around me. Of these, Robin da ge's new saloon (anyone wants to go?), Mr Wong Kum Fu's return as one of my learned friends (then again, I really hope I won't kena any matters opposite him), Mr 0543 moving on from his car no. 188 to a new job were the happier changes. BZ's departure and imminent new firm should be considered neutral. Then at the other end of a spectrum, one of the best-est female friends I can ever have is ready to move on to another stage in her life...

No matter how good things are, stagnating is perhaps one of the worst things to do. If we stay at one point, we'll never be able to see the perhaps more beautiful corners. Even the more accomplished celebs (well, at least in Singapore) like Adrian Pang and Daniel Ong are moving on with their professional lives too, what more small fries like me?

And so, even if it's a bit late for new year resolutions, (hey, I can be unique and make Chinese New Year resolutions, right?), here is the list that I would, hopefully, at least seek to do in this Tiger (or Tigeress) year:

1. Hit my self-set mental billing target comparable to the one I had at GLC (Don't seem to be pushing myself hard enough yet. But if I don't, how am I to be one step closer to buying Mr Tan & Mr Chan dinner in Japan, right?)

2. Give my VVVIPs priority in utilising my time, even if it means putting aside everything else because nothing should matter as much as them to me. (Doesn't sound convincing? But hey, I'm really trying)

3. Aim to pass guys' 2.4km run by next year. (Don't ask me why. Haha.. Think GK mentioned before that guys' 2.4km is way harder, so I'll take that as my new challenge after driving?)

4. Be a more serious and cooperative learner just like my previous role as a learner driver. (If I can be friends with my driving instructors yet still learn well under them, it shouldn't be much of a problem applying this to my trainer before he decides to disown his protege here, right?)

5. Learn and master (at least half bucket lah) a new skill/dialect

And finally...

6. Not attempt any form of tort on unworthy creatures on this earth

There you go, think they shouldn't be too unattainable, right? If anyone sees me veering off course, please feel free to give me one tight slap or a good hit on the head, k? (Though I think that constitutes battery, no?)

*******

To you know who you are,

Like I've said to you before, friends are not here to tell you what to do, but to be there to stretch out their hands to pick you up from your falls. Now that you've thought it through and made your decision, remember, you'll always have my moral support (yes, including the reminders not to be weak as requested, though I think I'm more of a weakling than you). I hope you've really moved on, and are not putting up a "high" front, simply cause what matters most is your smiles.

And of course, friends LOVE to be bothered (or at least for me lahz). So if you ever ever need an environmentally-friendly tissue, a movable and slightly flexible pillar, a breatheable emotional rubbish dump, a self-controlled anti-not-soft toy (ie. it hugs you rather than you hug it).. remember, there's always one of this strange/weird character here..k?

*hugz*

Yay! RenCi way exceeded its target! =)

Yes, the topic sounds childish, but hey, that's my normal behaviour isn't it?

Despite how I didn't really feel like being at home until after Chinese New Year this year, I simply had to rush back to watch tv today. It's Renci charity show tonight, and I so badly wanted to watch them meet their target. For a moment, the tv screen appeared as though they would miss it by some $200,000. But when the final tally came out, it was $7m! I so love financial freedom, even if my contribution is not worth even a speck of peanut. Happy! =)

A lot of things may change as we grow up, but certain things will still be once again the same, even if it took some detour along the way. Just like friends sitting down for a cup of coffee (and a cookie) and sharing your tears, fears and thoughts. Granted, it would have been great if the circumstance was happier, but I'm still glad you trust me enough to share your tears, just like when we were the 17 year-old gals year ago. Don't fret, like one of my favourite (and as usual, not-much-sense) belief, life is like a sine/cosine curve, when you get to the minimum point, you can't go anywhere but upwards.

Of course, friends are not just to share tears. One of the other happiest (well, at least to me) things in life is simply being able to celebrate your most important friends' birthdays. For eg. my favourite Mr Chan's (belated) birthday!

Seriously, I don't know whether I'm happier or you're happier. Haha.. But then, that's what I call relaxing. Being able to speak your mind, laugh, suan, "debate" etcetc.. Like I said, remind me to work super duper hard, so that I can be ultra successful, just so that I can buy you and my dearest Mr Tan dinner in Japan.. Haha.. Or flood VC with loads and loads of toys, right, Mr Chan? *grinz*

Speaking of speaking one's mind, can someone tell me whether I'm overly naive? After knowing Wanling for more than 10+ years and becoming relatively close during our sec 4 year, I found out only on Tuesday (much to Wanling's amusement) that she was only kidding when she said she had a brother. Reminds me so much of the NJCO days when I could never tell whether Sheng En's excuses for skipping practices were real or fake, much to my own exasperation. Seriously, am I that easy to bluff? Hmm... Now, I'm beginning to wonder if our classmates have really been pronouncing Yangzhong's name wrongly all these years...

Since we're at the topic of CO, I saw the above decor on my way to the train station on Friday. Add to the incessant playing of CO Chinese New Year music all around (the taxi I took to China Square yesterday too!!), I really do miss being a part of the CO playing those (noisy) Chinese New Year songs. Just as I've said to Cailing, I so feel like taking leave next next Friday, just to listen to a live performance of these songs.

Ok, I guess that more or less summarises my week. Have a more beautiful week ahead! =)

Oh yes, before I forget, WELCOME BACK, MR HO!!!! =) You've been missed! (Haha.. even if we meet up only like erm.. once a year?) But yes, it's great to have you back!

致一个被超可恶的人伤害了的人

一直以来我都不怎么相信人。别人越是靠近，我那无形的围墙就立刻建得越高。难怪一位好友曾埋怨我是一个超不会留住朋友的人。

对啊，这位好友说得一点儿都没错。十/十一年前是这样，十/十一年后还是如此。随着人逐渐的成长，所谓的“朋友” 的伤害，人就越爱封闭自己，不愿在阔大可能会被捅一刀的范围。

其实，越是害怕被伤害的人有时才是最会伤害人的那个。今天的一个无心的言语却让我发现世上最可恶的自己早在不知不觉中“刺伤” 了一个还蛮开朗，尽责而且应该会是一个蛮棒的朋友的人。

你知道吗，当我发现那一向有着一丝调皮稚气的笑脸今天却变成了一个面无表情，不拘言笑的面孔时，我顿时有个“uh-oh”的念头，除了万二分的道歉外也不知怎么才能做到"damage control"。你给的不开心的借口其实也只是个借口吧。

好久没有如此般愧疚的感觉了。或许在我开开心心地建起invisible围墙不让自己结交朋友的当儿，我却也潜意识的还是把你当成朋友了。就因为你算上是“朋友”（而且还是个挺尽力的一位）所以在无理地捅了朋友一刀后我才会有感到如此的罪恶感，就好像那种打到十八层地狱也不该翻身那样吧。是啊，说让你选时间的是我，心情不好在埋怨的也是我，真的还蛮该死的嘛。

总儿言之，我还是要说声

对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！
对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起!
对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！
对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起!
对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起!
对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起!
对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！
对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！
对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！
对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！对不起！

写了这么多，其实也不知会让你读吗。其实读了也没什么，毕竟以我以往的经验，即使你不再不高兴了，可恶的我还是很会重蹈覆辙，再做些更有办法惹人不爽的事。这一点，我很能confirm。

虽然如此，但还是希望不久后能再次看到你那亲切的笑脸（即使你要ignore我也好），毕竟，长时间扳这一张脸也容易老化（okok.. 那应该算是我胡说，但就不要再因小人（ie. 我）的过错而少了笑容好吗？）

对不起啦,Mr Ang!

Happy Birthday, Mr WKF!

Was really glad to bump into a certain Mr WKF in the bar room yesterday. *Gives myself a pat on the shoulder for deciding to get my iced Milo before my ultra long queue yesterday*

For helping me fulfil this wish, here's me wishing you Happy Birthday, Mr Wong!!May all your birthday wishes this year (and the years to come) come true! =)

Things I love

Thanks for arranging dinner this time every year (well, more or less so), my favourite Mr Tan! =) Dinner with you and my dearest Mr Chan is always one of the best-est thing I can get on this day! =)

Eh.. see lah.. Why did you move?
Now I don't have a photo of my favourite Mr Tan =(

Oh yes, and thanks for the chicken all the way from Japan, Mr Tan!!

No.. you guys are not allowed to barbeque, deep fry etc etc it! Stop being mean!!! Grrr.. Anyway, it's now sitting happily in my room now watching over my messy table.. Haha..

快乐是。。。

能在一位认识十年的好友的生日卡上随意写上这十年来的感想，能与认识十年的好友吃晚餐以提早庆祝他的生日。。

******

Dear Mr Chai,

When you smsed to postpone our dinner to a slightly later time yesterday, I was a little torn between given you the option to cancel the dinner so that you wouldn't have to rush and not giving you that option so that I can meet you before the 17th. Maybe I'm just sticky, but without letting you know in advance, I had wanted it to be your pre-birthday celebration, not a post one. Not when it's been exactly 10 years since this particular tall guy in a light green uniform extended his hand and intro-ed himself at S29's first recess as a class. Still, I was really super duper happy that you did managed to make it after all, without me (selfishly) not extending the option of cancelling dinner.

After so many years of no longer writing postcards/letters and the many many post-it notes, I didn't think it was so much of a breeze to really put down what I wanted to say in the card. From our common GP classes to our 101 cold wars, 斗嘴-ing sessions (seriously, I think I learnt to argue only then.. haha.. your fault!)... to your self-coined "banana skin incident"... to revising for A levels together.. to disfiguring me with the netball.. to almost cracking my skull with the rugby ball.. to you throwing that major tantrum in CO and me getting pissed off later during the camp.. to you and your silly "it's ok that you didn't do well this time, you're not applying for scholarships anyway" words of comfort (which was of course the reason why I started a cold war with you again.. eh.. I'm not sure about you but these words are not comforting, can?).. all of these are part of the growing up memories that I cherish, even if throughout these years, I've never really said it, or in your words previously, I really didn't know how to keep my friends. Come to think of it, for someone who hated people sticking to her, you were the only friend whom I was practically with most of the time without me running away after a while. Haha.. must be because you were too fierce, esp since the Physics file incident.. Haha

Whatever the case, for the last of my VVVIPs series to have your birthday this year, and for being one of my sturdiest pillars of strength in JC together with GK.. thank you, Mr Chai Kian Ping.. for pushing me hard enough in school, for splashing cold water on me unknown times.. for being horrendously frank about me needing to lose weight or me being a girl yet still being ultra messy.. most importantly, thank you for shining the beacon of light of friendship even when you kept (annoyingly) insisting that it's hard to make friends beyond secondary school and accepting/accomodating the troublesome and weird me as your close friend back in JC.

Happy birthday, JianPing! =)

And yes... congrats tooo!!! I'm looking forward to playing with your son... not attending his wedding the 1st time I meet him, yah?

Yours sincerely,

The adorable 6-year old

PS: Mr Chai, please don't use the same method you used to teach me cycling on your son. Granted he'll not get injured, but seriously, it'll take forever for him to learn how to ride the bicyle that way!

Thank you, Mr Tay!!!

很想给你写封信
告诉你这里的天气
昨夜的那一场电影
还有我的心情
很想给你写封信
却只是想想而已
我已经不能肯定
你是不是还会关心

(Disclaimer: Whilst the song does not has absolutely no relation to this entry, I thought this paragraph suitably links to the first few paras below..)

A few weeks ago, whilst the study was being spring cleaned, I chanced upon my memory box and opened the "pandora box". Not that I really needed to re-read them. The postcards / letters that meant something to me, I'd probably have already memorised the contents by heart. Staring at the various handwritings, it felt as though I had momentarily time-travelled back to the full grey uniform era, where life revolved round surviving one round after another of common tests and exams. And I missed the letters from that "bygone era" and mostly the feeling of being around those people back then.

It's been 10 years. I've almost forgotten how some of us were like back then. Had the momentary impulse to write a long X'mas card to each of my frequent postcards/letters/post-it notes senders/receipients. What would your response be? Will I hear from anyone?

Perhaps despite trying to harden myself and grow up over the years, a part of me refused to go with the flow and hid itself, so that I could revert back to that kid whenever I am in the company of the VVVIPs. Perhaps that was why Caroline said I need to act more matured, in a manner befitting my profession. But then, it's really because I am comfortable around certain people, that's why I could let my guard down and let the tried-to-hide hidden part surface.

Actually, meeting up with Honghui several Saturdays ago made me realise, there may be more friends you pick up along the way and maybe feel comfortable with but not all can trigger the happy button within you just by their presence.

When I asked for a mug this year, I really meant any kind of mug, even if, as Gek Koon said, a cheap mug from some Sweddish store. Just like what I've said to Gilson before, I'm the easiest and hardest to get anything for, depending on your importance to me. To you, it may just be a normal, not good looking mug. To me, having a mug from one of my VVVIP friends in my office is a source of comfort when things get down and a reminder that I need to strive harder, to shine more brilliantly so that no matter where any of you are, you can still be proud enough to say "eh.. that's my friend!".

But then, like I said, it doesn't matter what you got for me. Cos I still LOVE the soft toy you bought this time round! And yes, it's effective in calming me down when I hug it and lean against it.. And yes, I don't throw soft toys to test whether they're breakable. Grrr... Seriously, did you realise you've been giving me a soft toy each year? Haha..

But like I said, my favourite present from you is still our meeting up. Despite my 嘴硬-ness about avoiding people in December, I still relish the non-sms conversations and/or simply the real-life presence of those important ones. And yes, that includes the other person whom I've not really chatted with in a significantly long while and whom I was chatting with on Friday night. Yes, stop looking around, that's you, Mr Tan. =)

Choosing to Learn to be Happy

Initially, I thought my bout of feeling high at work last afternoon was a result of me feeling bitchy. After some reflection on my way to the train station last night, I realised it's probably more due to my enjoyable lunch with my cousin, and the ongoing chat with one of my closest ECSF friend.

Frankly, I'm still amused at how Tianfa and I almost never spoke to each other at all for almost 22+ years, but after that one lunch during my pupillage, he's now the perhaps only cousin I'm more comfortable talking to, and together with her sis, the cousins I much prefer. Things work in interesting ways. Just like how Honghui was never someone I would talk to in NJCO (well, unless you count asking him to help carry the heavy instruments) yet for some strange reason which I can't recall, we started keeping in touch when we were in uni and now he counts for one of the more important friends. In fact, I enjoyed the movie Gokusen a lot more (ok, it's a genre that I like in the first place) thanks to my companion. Yes, I may still behave like the person 5 years ago, but that's because I feel comfortable and relax enough to teleport myself back to being myself. After being a porcupine for quite some time, the best way to recharge, imho, is simply feeling safe enough to be yourself once again.

Which brings me to my title this morning. It's actually a translation of what the monk presiding over MeiFong's wedding on Sunday said at the end of the ceremony. Troubled feeling and the feeling of happiness are feelings. You learn to be happy and you learn to be troubled. So you might as well learn to be happy. How true. Which (thankfully) made me curb my bitchiness and not attempt to devout an entry of snide remarks to some other website I saw.

Speaking of which, yes, last Sunday must have been a really auspicious day. Attended my cousin's wedding in the day, and Jac's wedding dinner at night. And I had to skip Teck Yeow's wedding dinner. Still, at least I had time to drop by ECSF last week to give Teck Yeow his red packet, and at the same time, see a lot of my ex-colleagues (do they count? Hmmm) there. It may be almost a year since GLC moved out, but ECSF still feels very much "home". Haha.. I guess the only not-too-pleasing episode was the follow-up after that, but, whatever it is, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm still as happy for Kok Sing (but yah, you do not have to invite me to your housewarming.. haha.. I'm still stubborn) and yes, I'll still be waiting for the best kind of birthday present from you in a few days time.. ie. your sms..

Back to my cousin's wedding. Has anyone ever attended a solemnisation in a temple? I was really pondering hard what it would be like and when I finally witnessed it, it feels a lot more meaningful than some other solemnisation..

And some photos of her brother, who was more like a bridesmaid..oops..

Unfortunately though, my sis and I were the only ones on my mum's side to turn up for the solemnisation. Thought that was pretty not nice that some people didn't bother to turn up for the solemnisation and/or tea ceremony thereafter without reasonable excuses whatsoever. Oh well, no worries, I wouldn't be turning up for some of yours either and waste my red packets on you.

Anyway, after the solemnisation, Mei Fong had her tea ceremony at her place. Seriously, this was the first time I've seen her flat.

And finally, the group photo:

Congrats, cousin!! May you have a blissful marriage!! =)Who says nice people finish last? In fact, if that were true, I wouldn't be able to witness your wedding... nor Jac's wedding!!

Yes, I'm being bitchy but seriously, if certain things happen (or don't happen), perhaps one should just reflect upon themselves instead of making hilarious conclusions. If I actually apply that reasoning, does that mean that LiJia, for example, is not nice? (Oops.. sorry Lijia, I just randomly thought of your name when I was thinking of a blissfully attached friend) What crap.. I would say that those attention seeking, whine-y ones who do not know what sincere apology is are less deserving than all the happy friends I can think of. Oops.. I didn't manage to curb my bitchiness afterall. Which explains why I'm not attached. Cause I admit I'm not nice! Haha..

Anyway, interestingly, when I was doing research on red packets and weddings, one of the search results directed me to a friend's blog. Egeus!! I almost forgot to congratulate you too! I must say, your home deco is nice!! So will I get to see baby photos on your blog this time next year? :p

Speaking of babies, I wonder if Angel has given birth to their daughter.. There seems no updates on Itak and Angel's facebook, which weirdly is making me worried.. Do hope all is well for both of you! Hmm..

Why do some clarinets crack but not others

Before Mr Jimmy Lee taught us Physics in JC, I never thought of Physics as an interesting subject. Mr Stanley Lim's impressively pretty powerpoint slides were just that. Pretty. Why on earth did Newton have 3 laws of motion, when we had enough of Hooke's law, Fleming's Left Hand Rule etc, I could never understand. Not till I grew older (and no longer took Physics) did I realise the simple brillance in Newton's 3 laws.

Newton's 1st law: An object continues in its state of rest or uniform line of motion until acted on by an external force. Yet to see the parallel to our daily lives? Just think, when was the last time you did something different from your daily routine? And why did you do that? Chances up, something unexpected cropped up, throwing your routine into a somewhat disarray.

2nd law: Force is proportional to acceleration. Ok, this is quite a stretch, but still... if you charge forward, chances are, there's a greater likelihood of success as compared to one who's content with his/her lot

Still, my favourite and the main point of my (weird) reference to Newton is his 3rd law, which todate remains the hardest to grasp, well, at least Physics wise.. When a force acts on an object, there will always be an equal and opposite reactant force acting upon it.

Not everything in life can be measured accurately. However much effort you put into something cannot be measured and translated into an absolute equivalent. Still, that doesn't mean that Newton's 3rd law would fail miserably. Just like how you wonder why some clarinets don't crack whilst others do. A clarinet that is not oiled will crack.

I hope you get my point despite my windy analogy. Granted, one may not always get back everything that one puts in. But you need to put in something before you get anything back. If your friends do irrational things for you (seriously, I didn't think all sounded irrational) that's definitely cause they've received something else that you've never really noticed you've given. Just like how I was (annoyingly) concerned about "insecticide" despite facts pointing to my silliness. That was just a resultant force accumulating from the numerous care and concern showered upon me earlier.

So to whom this entry is dedicated to, cut yourself some slack. So what if things go another way, so what if a friend was not meant to be? It doesn't necessary mean that you haven't done enough to receive the love from your other friends. Just like how your clarinets do not crack as easily, cause you did put your heart to oil-ing them. =)

PS: Mr Issac Newton, I'm really sorry if I've offended you with my alternative interpretation of your laws..

Lawyers have no friends?

That was what Stella concluded when we were trying to coordinate our lunch time for our meet-up at our favourite Taiwan porridge. Somehow, it becomes harder and harder for us to meet up as a group now that all of us are in different firms and have different schedules. No wonder Nicc agreed with Stella's comments almost immediately. Which brings to mind how I should thank my lucky stars for my dearest friends (annoyingly, some copycat seemed to have started using the phrase as well) who still tolerate my schedule and not leave me out altogether after being flown kite by me 101 times.. Sadly though, now that I've more of my life than the past year or so, I'm beginning to miss having dinners with friends like Weiguang etc.. How on earth did we meet up more often then for dinner? Hmm.. whatever the case, thanks for not giving up on me even when a whole lot of you probably know my office quite well and have at some time or other eaten with me in my room at GLC. Whatever will I do without you guys? Hmm..

Even putting aside how I was hardly ever able to meet up (save for the dinners in my office), I still admire my friends' ability to tolerate my blow-hot-blow-cold behaviour. 10 years ago, one of my closest friends was exasperated at how unpredictable I could get - one moment we were seemingly close friends and the next, I was horrendously withdrawn. The closer I am to a person, the more I would worry that I was becoming over-reliant on the person and the insecure me would simply swing to the other extreme quickly so that no one would realise my over-reliance. Fast forward 10 years, my insecurity is still ensuring that this peculiar trait remains rooted. In fact, whilst typing this, I'm still wondering if I annoyed another friend with my hot-cold behaviour again. If so, I'm really sorry. I'll try to make a conscious effort to keep that in check, though knowing me, it'll work only for a short while. So if any one finds my behaviour unbecoming, please don't hesitate to remind me, k?

Fate

How often do we hear how something occurring at the wrong moment just becomes wrong?

Uncle smsed me to say that the fat smelly one is leaving. Yet, Weiguang was absolutely right when he said I'm not fated to go back to GLC. If this had happened when I was still at my nightmare place, I would probably have jumped at the offer to go back, to the firm w/o the silly fat smelly one. But too bad, I'm happy where I am now, and I've no intention of leaving nice bosses as yet.

I wonder which unlucky/silly place is taking him in though..Hmm..

On another note, I'm pretty happy this evening. Now if only I can get that plan typed out asap..

Reflection...

It's been a month and 19 days (to be exact) since I moved to my new home. At first, I chose to be vague, not wanting certain people I hated to know, now that I've happily settled in and spring cleaned some parts of my life, I can happily announce.. Yes, I've resigned *again* and am happily settled in my new home and loving every bit of it. (Just imagine, which bosses would allow the firm to close at 3pm so that everyone can go off for our KTV session and dinner?)

my new "home"

It takes certain episodes for a person to wake up, and I'm glad that the 5 months of nightmare did that, to a certain extent. More or less gone are the "excesses", people I should have gotten rid of long ago but never successfully did. But when someone you had a hard time relinquishing as friend tells you that you're weird when you were ultra depressed / nervous even though he was and still is way more tolerant to some others' whines, it is like pouring ice water on a drunkard.. you wake up to the reality that you do not need such people... at least not as your friend. This time round, I'm not upset. In fact, if necessary, I can now happily point you out as someone from my class for a really short period long time ago. And you'll always remain as an acquaintance who was once really sweet.

Of course, clearing excess baggage also meant throwing away a person I hate very much who somehow though still randomly "guest-starred" in my life.. Afterall, there is no longer a need for me to be nice to the person to protect another person. I hated you for using female-ish ways to allow yourself to get "protected" by people who meant something to me. I even once doubted myself cause of you. But not anymore. You can win everything. All those whom you consciously/subconsciously wanted to snatch away, but let me tell you this.. The ones who're on your side, they don't mean anything to me. The gems of my life? I'll never intro them to you, cause they're way too precious to me for me to cede them to you. That said, Weiguang, thanks for your vote of confidence when I really needed it.

Not too long ago, a hairstylist (ok, I know strictly speaking he's not one yet but I believe it's just a matter of time) actually commented how being easygoing also means I'll be taken for granted easily. Perhaps so. Unfortunately for my newest personal trainer, I chose to subconciously keep that comment in mind. Still, I must say that changing trainers was a move I don't regret. He's way more professional and knowledgeable, training wise or current affairs etc. To a certain extent, he reminds me a little of Keith, except he's a lot more enthusiastic.. Let's hope things remain this way..

In case anyone thinks this is a whine-y post (esp Gary.. You know, I really made a conscious effort to whine less ever since you commented I whine too much, though I don't know if I've really improved) it's not meant to be. One truly moves on only when one is able to talk about a matter in a matter-of-fact manner, and I'm really all ready to move on to be back to the cheerful me I once was, so that I can be a worthy friend to the gems of my life, so that friends like Koon, Honghui etc will not have to check on me now and then..

Besides, I did gain something out of that nightmare too. It's rare to have a clique when you're at work, and I had one. The long lunches, tea at our Taiwan porridge, Cedele etc.. Our "conferences" and even Nicc's farewell in the toilet..all these would remain the happiest memories in the midst of all our gloom and I'm glad our friendship still extended past our shared misery there.

PS: Besides my friends, my GLC colleagues were a great source of comfort during that period of nightmare too and were always one sms away. Eg Maan always had encouraging words. Or Gilson, who was the receiving end of a whole lot of my depressed smses, and never once told me off for it. =)

Irrational? Perhaps

Renci saga as more or less come to a conclusion. Unlike during the NKF circus, I still choose to believe that is not as guilty as the previous group of circus animals. At least he didn't just stood by waiting for artistes to risk their lives to get more money for him. At least he "played with his life" to raise funds for his charity. At least he had the guts to admit he was a modern monk when the public saw him at restaurants. At least he didn't go round suing people for defamation when the facts were in actual fact true..

Whatever the case, he may have done wrong, but there were things that he did right. For that, I seriously hope that he doesn't get a jail term.

******

On another note,even though I've never watched Dollah Kassim play in any of the match, it doesn't make me any less keen on carrying out a search on yahoo these past few days to see if there are any updates. Whatever the case, I hope he gets up really really soon, and prove that he did not suffer any / much of brain damage. Get well soon!

The best way to close a chapter

想太多又想太重的夢想 還不如乾脆不多想
每一個險惡的浪 都會有浪花綻放 我決定邊衝邊欣賞

牛頓要我們都活在地上 偏偏我就想要飛翔
要掙脫命運綑綁 要推翻柏林圍牆 要站上巨人的肩膀

夢想永遠是逆向 一路都有人阻擋
人們說的荒唐卻是我的心中的天堂 ！

就放肆愛放肆追 放肆去闖 放肆的大鬧一場
不能原諒 如果很多年後 我還是這樣

就放肆愛放肆追 放肆去闖 放肆是我的信仰
再不去闖 夢想永遠只會 是一個夢想

哥倫布只要有一顆星光 就膽敢橫越大西洋
我還有一把吉他 我還有一群死黨 為什麼還不大聲唱

達爾文假設生命是戰場 就讓我基因不投降
把傷痕裝滿手掌 把鼓聲裝滿心臟 把歌聲裝滿肺活量

夢想永遠是逆光 只有剪影的模樣
會有什麼細節 什麼體驗？ 不要只猜想！