Do I really look happy?

Kia Meng said that today, when asking about work.

It suddenly reminded me of what Jen Wei told Weiling during pupillage. That I'm happy there.

The most ironic thing is, both times, I wasn't. But, I just didn't want to say.

The feeling of depression is gradually setting in, though I've no idea why now. The feeling of just wanting to break down and cry and cry and cry without any reason. Frankly, I'm tired. I'm tired of having to smile to people I hate to the core and would rather stamp on their toes or give them one tight slap. I'm tired of having to be nice to people because I have to and not because I want to. I'm tired of calculating 6% compound interest and deciding what the most appropriate time would be. I'm tired of the fact that I can't take a real break immediately at the end of the work day even though I'm awfully tired in all aspects.

I need a break to shut myself off everyone and everything.

On another note, the highlight of the day was lunch with Terence, Kia Meng and Jen Wei. Even if someone suddenly dumped a piece of work on me (cause both D and he cannot make it) and I was supposed to have a meeting at 2pm. WTH. I don't even care if the other person would make noise if I'm back after 2pm (in any case, I sent him an email wanting to reschedule to 2.30 but for some reasons he didn't seem to have seen it). I really really really cannot be bothered. Lunch was the only thing that helped me survive through the morning and no way am I going to give it up just for some dumb stuff.

Oh, and PF will be relocating to Hong Kong. That's like less than a year after he left R! Still, I'm glad for him! =)

To 'Grandfather'

Dear GX,

Somehow or rather, I don't seem to be able to say the correct words to find out what's wrong.

But I just want to say, "Jia You, GX!"

And.. you know if you ever need a friend, I'll always be a phone call/sms away.

luv

Fang

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

Or does it?

As people begin to stay apart, their common topics gradually decrease. Slowly, they run out of things to talk about. Then, not wanting to face the awkwardness, they tend to stay away from each other and so the vicious cycle continues.

Sometimes I really wonder how true this phrase is.

Then again, if you look at it from another point of view, two people who have not met each other for a long while continue to stay apart. What remains would be the fond memories of the time spent with each other. As one reminisces those days, one would normally end up lamenting about the "good old times". Everything remains as pretty, so long as everything stays intact (including the distance). One change, and the fragile calm may suddenly be shattered.

It's just like how people tend to be more tolerant of those they don't normally see. Precisely because they don't see each other often, they have a higher limit of tolerance.

Frankly, I don't know and really don't feel like figuring out tonight.

Still remember the shell analogy I used in some letter to Qiuting? I feel like building it again. This time, just hiding myself in it.

Oh another note, I'm glad the package I sent reached the intended owner finally =)

And Itak is once again in Singapore. He actually bought whatever he promised me, even though I told him it wasn't necessary. =)

I think..

Before I make any more new friends, perhaps I should learn to treasure the ones I have first. And at least make an effort to know them better.

Ignore me.. It's just an effect I have after chancing upon a friend's blog yesterday.

On another note, I saw Meisi online! She didn't type anything back. But her brother (at least I think so..) said she said "ok" when I said we'll chat on MSN again someday. I know we'll be able to do that again, Meisi. Jia you!

The lost feeling continues ever since it started yesterday.

Pushover

Over dinner today, I made a comment that Gary agreed with. The fiercest person always wins.

I couldn't help recalling something that Sarah commented about a teacher of hers, and then linked on to me. Am I a pushover? Perhaps no in some aspects, but yes, in quite a few more too.

It's time I stop being a pushover at all, especially when I'm situated in enemy territory.

It's so obvious the little pawn here will be shoved off elsewhere. Eeeeeeeeediots

PS: Just can't help but think it necessary to note my attire to work today. No skirt! Just ask my schoolmates how rare that is! Haha..

******

Some photos of Gary looking a bit deliriously happy.. Haha..

A rare moment that Mr Chan is nice, but then, it's most likely because he was too lazy to get another knife!

Network

There was a sentence in an article in today's 'my paper' that mentioned a research by Stanford University that revealed that 12.5% of a person's wealth came from that person's knowledge whilst the remainder 87.5% was dependant upon human relations.

Perhaps that's one tiring thing about growing up.

When we were younger, all the 'don't friend you' and stuff were such common occurences. It was no big deal if you hear it so many times a day (although to a kid, it was a whole lot of deal!) Slowly, the sound of all these 'don't friend you' died down, though it did not necessary mean that you still tried to live (ok, or maybe study) harmoniously with the others. Then came life university (ie. work) where you learnt how things are not necessary what they seem, and the best of way of protecting yourself is, interestingly, to have as large a network as possible.

Though that doesn't necessary mean that you have more friends. Simply because network is not necessary equivalent to friends.

When talking about networking, the first person that came to my mind was the HCB (refer to Gary for the meaning.. haha) sitting near me. A all-talk-no-action yeee-diot who's greatest strength in life is probably networking. That suits him fine too, because from the look of it, he doesn't suffer much from his eee-diocy.

Which is no wonder why Caroline asked me to join them for the trip to Batam (which I am going for). Actually, without the possibility of Itak's offer to bring me around, I would be way more hesistant. Then again, like what some had said, it's just 1 night, I won't die of that. If all else fails, just stick to smiling =)

Perhaps short term networking is not as tough as really maintaining a friendship. Was immersed in the fictitious world of a particular book the last 2 days. A book that at the beginning reminded me of a person and made me rethink certain thoughts. Yet, at the end of the day, I've finally noticed the obvious difference between the characters in the book and the people in real life. For one thing at least, no matter where they were, they would always be keeping in touch, and be genuinely concerned about their friend. Unlike real life.

Still, interestingly, it doesn't really matter to me.

Lijia made a comment today, something to the effect of friendster and my friends. Jia, if you are referring to the testimonials, I'll just say, testimonials are never a true reflection, at least not when both parties write for each other. It's different from our school testimonials since we don't write our teachers' testimonials (err... right, teachers?) =)

The 'delinquent'

Once again, I feel so much like a delinquent today.

Then again, who cares, since I had a rather enjoyable day today!

Somehow I still think that when things get really really good, something bad will occur. Just as when things are really really bad, there's no other direction to go, but to take a turn for the better. Perhaps the unhappiness for the week was the consideration for the 'treat' yesterday and today.

Itak told me yesterday afternoon that he would be coming to Singapore last night because of the Australian study fair this weekend. Why would I decline the invitation to tag along?

And so, after being late for quite a significant amount of time (not my fault, the two of them didn't reply my sms on whether they had gotten up or not, and in any case, I think they woke up late) we spent the whole day really walking around. Itak is still very much the big brother, and Edi was highly fun to be with too. In the midst of the day, Itak's senior dropped by too, but rushed back to Batam within a few hours.

In any case, it was really tiring, but it also made my day..

Friday the 13th...
I've always looked forward to Friday the 13th, ever since I had my Primary 6 English prelims on a Friday the 13th. Somehow or rather, it normally would end up being a happy day for me, and thus, I would always relish it whenever it came up.

That is till early in the morning. In fact, I thought the day would be a really horrid one. Thankfully, it wasn't so right till the end.

Firstly, I finally figured one website that I wanted to use, that wasn't blocked by some ultra dumb people. Thanks to that too, I got wind of a news that brightened up the evening.

And of course, given that I didn't really want to come home too early, I met up with Peiqi.

My belated children's day present! Just in case the contents are not seen clearly, there's biscuits, sweets (there's one sweet that I think happens to be the one that LwW likes!), chocolates, clips (similar to what a certain Mr Lin bought for me), cute mechanical pencils, a pen and some art&craft thing. Thanks Peiqi!! =)

We had our dinner at PastaMania:

After which we adjourned to Haagen Daaz for our fondue:

Just look at how happy and proud Ms Tan is of her chocolate coated ice-cream!! Too bad the ice-cream melted really quickly, so much so that the chocolate coat for one of the subsequent ones fell back into the melted chocolate and made it look thick. And THAT was what led to Ms Tan's creation, which stupid blogspot refuses to let me put up, for now. Oh well..

Unbecoming..

Guoxing, thanks for the offer to let me call you in the wee hours of the morning. Even though, I felt better after smsing you and subsequently fell asleep.

It's a bad idea to be really upset till you fall asleep. My head hurts a little now.

Eh Wenwei, I want to play the game you suggested on your blog!

On another note, it's almost O levels. Do hope the sec 5s from CVSS do well this year! Sherwin (in case you ever see this), what's over is over. Ignore your prelim grades and do better for your 'O's! I'm sure your command of English is still as good, even not better than when I first knew you! Good luck! And I do miss you all!

Ah.. and Gek Koon's project is due on Monday! Hope he's more or less done!!

"No dreamz!"

Been saying that to a particular friend very often lately, but I don't think it applies to me. Then again, having dreams may not be a bad thing, at least in my case.

Had a really weird dream last night. My pupil master got back to me regarding a particular piece of research (which doesn't make much sense given that I remember so clearly that that piece of research had nothing to do with langar cases, nor medical negligence ones). Then again, the dream wasn't totally baseless either, as in, throughout the dream, I was very clear that (1) I'm no longer a pupil there and (2) I'm already working elsewhere, ie. where I am now.

In any case, for some reasons or other, I just felt cheered up in my dream. The funniest part was still the dream within a dream. Cause the next scene had me waking up, and the first thing I did was to check my handphone to confirm it was a dream. I guess the only difference was that in the dream, I was not waking up from a dream whereas that wasn't so in real life.

Does one’s opinion change with the flux of time? Perhaps.

The person in the dream actually asked to buy her pupil master lunch. The person in real life probably won’t, even though she really wants to tell her pupil master how much she appreciated having him as her pupil master. Then again, even if she did buy her pupil master lunch, she’ll probably still be too tongue tied at lunch! No wonder, save for the pupil master, the rest of the world thinks she’s scared of her pupil master.

But the dream was a nice change, if only people can choose not to wake up from their dreams! =)

Contradictory

There's this particular radio station that allows people to sms to vote for one out of two songs to be played on the radio at 6 plus almost 7.

For today, the song that I would prefer also happens to be the song that I don't want to hear at the same time. Contradictory huh?

Nevermind, will be having dinner then, so I wouldn't hear it either. Still, I sure hope it wins. Haha..

=)

To the person who had to play the lullaby 5 times yesterday, thank you! I slept (plus fell asleep) earlier than usual yesterday! Too bad, you're not allowed to try that too often, cause it'll not work all the time! =p That said, I don't mind listening to you playing your guitar more often too! (Don't forget your promise! I want to use the song as my ringtone!)

Still, I don't understand why I'm even more sleepy although I slept slightly earlier yesterday.

I'm really much better, but somehow the escapist, distant yet hyper girl that I was is beginning to surface again. Hmm.. And I don't know why, I just had the sudden urge to look at a particular "video" of my graduation last year..

On another note, how many nut cases will be so happy to see an email addressed to Carrot and grin at the sight of "no time to arrange my stationery"? Feels so distant, yet so wonderfully familiar. It's been such a long time since I've addressed Ben as Tomato. Just as what I told Qi-en that day, Ben was the first person in Rodyk (except the partners, of course) to know I might be moving over to Rodyk for my pupillage and I had promised tomato juice then! Yet till now, I haven't had the chance to buy him lunch for being such a fun and nice senior to have around.

Oh, and Adrian smsed last night to say that he's now at IPOS! (My guess was right! I wonder how many of them won) That's like so near here!! Even if I won't really see him around anyway, the thought of having friends nearby just make things seem even brighter!

Thank you!

All these thanking on my blog makes it feel more like the Oscars.. but then again, who cares, right?

Thanks, Citra!! =) (Hope I didn't take up too much of your rest time, given how noisy I was!)

Thanks Wenwei!! (Don't worry so much, you'll just age faster!)

Thanks Gary!! (You drink more warm water too, k?)

Even though I'll NEVER ever say this in real life....

I love you guys!!! =)

For all the rest of those whom I've thanked in this blog too! I really love you all, I really really do!

Beach? Playground? Or anything brainless, anyone?

Anyone game enough for any of the above today?

I just want some mind numbing activities.

Koon, thanks for noticing my sub-nick last night and smsing me. Same goes for Yuting and Weiguang.

And Chee Min too.

Cheerfulness means..

1. Being out with friends who matter to you.

Was out with Jeremy last evening to watch World Trade Centre. Come to think of it, it was a bit of 'forced to', cause if he hadn't offered the lift, I would probably not even consider since I was really really tired. Then again, it could be that the idea of meeting up with Jeremy was a refreshing change from the grind of facing the enemies daily.

Whatever it is, I was really glad to meet up with Jeremy yesterday.

Come to think of it, I haven't seen him since I went up to Legal. Maybe even earlier than that, given his last day was a few days earlier than mine. It's interesting how simple friendships forged over a short period of time can be so much more comforting than the complex human relations build over a longer period. Perhaps there just wasn't any need to make use of one another in order to advance.

In any case, the number of real smiles on my face within those few hours way exceeded any smiles I put up in the office. Seriously, it felt really good! =)

2. Receiving emails from friends who are important to you

Despite his views that he's not good with words, the email from Wenwei the other day was already super sweet.

And then, I received another email from one of my nicest friends today that brought my brain back (after being missing for quite a while) just to type this.

Who says your email is a complaint email? If it were, I wouldn't be smiling as I read it, right? In fact, actually, no matter what you typed, I'll still be super happy to see any personal email from you! haha... I'm easily pleased, can? =)

And of course, this phrase "let's meet up soon, k?? maybe in mid oct...." cheers me up most! Thank you!

3. Looking at the things from people who matter

Ok, this point is not very much a reflection of the past few days. Still, it's mid autumn festival today, and how can I not play with my favourite lantern? Thanks Gek Koon! For spoiling me last year! =) I love that lantern!! =)

******

Ok, time for me to pull Mr Zhou away from harassing Gek Koon! Haha.. and before Mr Lin continues to nag... (yes Mr Lin, you nag!) =)

Ramblings at the end of the day

One of my colleague sitting on the opposite side of the office sent this to me earlier:

"hey, you ok? you look glum... "

Silly as this may sound, I actually found the email nice! =) As I've said earlier (or have I?) I love attention... Haha..

Income Day dinner later. On one hand, I'm glad I won't have to be tortured by having dinner with people I don't want to eat with. On the other hand, my pupil master (or according to Shijie's reminder, should be my ex-pupil master since I'm no longer a pupil) is going, and I'll be really really glad to see my pupil master.

I hate all guys...

With the exception of my friends (read non-colleagues)

One of my good friend sent me this as part of his email:

"so you better hang in there, don't let those nasty people at your workplace affect you! Just let me know if they mistreat you, and I'll help you fix them! (eh, sounds familiar huh? Haha)"

Sounds so big brother-ish huh? Thanks Wenwei! You know, I so disagree with your point about you being selfish or

"You know, if you've any problem, anything u want to talk or complain about, I'll be there too! Might not be of much help at times, but I'll definitely do my best to make ya feel better, alright? =) "

In fact, your email already made me smile after a bad day. Wenwei, xie xie!!

Same goes for Jeremy. When you offered to let me call you to scream, I said that I don't have a habit of screaming over the phone to relieve stress. Yet, you still called me and then proceeded to call me stubborn. Even if I'm stubborn, at least I still know how to feel. In fact, I was super touched too. I'm supposed to be older than you, but you're always the one who'll allow me to lean on when I need, be it in servicing or legal.

That's what differentiates real friends from colleagues. Real friends are the ones who can make me smile even when I feel like hating the whole wide world, or make me real enough to know that I feel like crying even if I refuse to show it. But most importantly, they're the ones who go all out to make sure that you are ok. Thank you! And I love you guys! =)

Letters to some friends

Letters are sometimes the best way to get a point across, especially when there are certain things that you don't feel comfortable saying directly, or when you don't have direct access to the other party. The good thing about blogs is, you can just leave what you want to say to the person, and the person will just read it as and when he/she is able to...

_______________________________________________________________

Dear --- (name omitted to keep identity confidential),

Despite all the positive smses and msn messages, are you sure you are ok? Cause my gut feel tells me that you are just hiding your hurt, but I don't know whether my incessant probing will just worsen the wound, and so, I chose not to until you choose to tell me otherwise.

Still, I'm really glad you trusted me sufficient to sms on Saturday.

However, one sentence left a deep impression, which perhaps, was what sparked off this letter. "I'm sorry, you've been so supportive towards me but I did not listen to your advice." I hope you don't mind me putting up this sentence. You know what? Even if it sounds kind of impolite, I still want to say, "---, stop being silly!"

You see, I never expected you to follow every single thing that I said. That wouldn't be advice, but rather a command. And it wouldn't be from a friend either. For friends are just like supporting pillars, they are there for you to lean on when you need, but they'll not hold a grudge against you should you not listen to them and decide to lean against a decaying tree trunk and later hurt yourself. Even if you do hurt yourself time and again, your friend will still be willing to stretch out a hand and help you stand up again, so long as you are willing to reach out to grab the hand.

Remember what I've told you in one of my smses on Thursday? So long as you know what you are doing, I'll always be there to lend you my moral support. And so long as you need me, I'm always an sms/a phone call away, even if it's some ungodly hours in the morning.

So no more doing silly things like apologising cause you don't have to (Well, unless I tell you specifically so, then that's another story)

On another note, perhaps my words may not count as much as the person who sent you that sms, but still, do not take to heart whatever that sms said. For one thing, I am very sure that you are neither annoying nor unlikeable. Take care, k? Cause I still want to meet up with you and no, I do not want to eat grass! =p

Luv
Yaofang (--> Suddenly remembered the nick I used to use. Can still remember?)

_________________________________________________________________

Dear --- (name once again omitted to keep identity secret),

Even though you don't really mention it, from your blog, I know that you are sometimes still lost after the one supposedly wrong decision that you've made.

Still, after all these years, it's time for you to let go of that regret, and move on in the direction that you think you want to go. You see, no one in the world is perfect. Each of us make wrong moves at one point or another. The wrong move may have caused you a year, but without that supposedly wrong move, a lot of things may now be different. Perhaps you may not be as grateful for the lecturers, friends, and mentors you have now.

Just take me for example. You know that I regretted the decision I made 6 years ago really badly. In fact, there were so many times this year when I was on the verge of breaking down, or even broke down when no one was noticing. Still, if you asked me if things might have been better without that decision, I know I can never say for sure. Without that, would I have done my pupillage in Rodyk? Maybe not, but then again, who knows? One thing for sure though, I'm quite confident I would not have had Christopher as the pupil master whom I, up till now, still respect. It's just the same as, would Siang Pheng have taken notice of this insignificant pupil? Or would Terence be less of the nice big brother and more of the 'tyrant' as the other pupils have described? I wouldn't know. All these are just the same as the RJC/NJC situation. It may have been 'earth-shattering' to have had to switch schools after 3 months, especially for a sentimental person like me. But given the choice now, I wouldn't mind going through that bit of heartache either.

Just like what Kum Fu said in his sms early this year when I was utterly upset with that bitch who took 2 years to reply my email, just move on!

There are many other things around you that you should grasp hold of. You said you have a great mentor, so you ought to take the opportunity to excel! There's no point in saying a lot, wishing a lot, but not getting down to doing it, right? It's just like you've said Leslie Loo and the others are very nice, so what should you do? Work hard to prove to them that you are really as good as you appear to be!

Good luck! =)

Luv
Non-guiny!

______________________________________________________________

Dear Itak,

It's been a week since you've started your new job. How has it been?

Just wanted to say, "Happy 25th Birthday!"

Even if I've said it a million and one times, thank you for being amongst the handful of friends that I trust most and can lean on most often. As I was walking past Peninsula Plaza just now, I was suddenly reminded of you and Darmaji again, and how the two of you would always inevitably be outside that VCD shop watching whatever that's shown, during our breaks. Those were one of the happiest times after I've completed jc. Funny enough, my impression of Darmaji would always be how he made used of my soft toy duck to make me smile when I was feeling down on my last day of work at Power Supply. And you? It was how, on that very same day, you started 'biting' the computer cables to remind us that it was dinner time and that you were hungry. The two of you together were always able to make me smile.

Xie xie, Itak da ge! For all the smiles, and more importantly, for ALWAYS believing in and letting your spoilt brat xiao mei here have her way.

Happy Birthday!

luv
Xiaomei

PS: I hope you liked the present! =)

Lunch/Dinner Appointments that Make a Difference

Was telling a colleague today about how thrilled I'll always be to meet up with my friends.

Despite all that unfounded fears of the return of my manager, things weren't that bad really. And as the day progressed (at least towards mid day), it got better and better. Why? Cause I was supposed to be meeting Wei Shin for lunch!

For obvious reasons, Wei Shin reminds me of Rodyk litigation. About the few times when I was cheered up after my chats in his triangular shaped room. About the time he brought me to court (was that my last time stepping into sub courts as a pupil? Or was the last time with my pupil master?)

Can still remember how thrilled I was when he remembered to bring me to the sub courts. Unlike that stupid JiaRen (Yeek.. What an awful name!) who was scheduled to bring me for don't know how many times, but never once did. Idiot (--> this, by the way, is different from the endearing term that I always use for my dear friends, cause when used on Kia Jeng, it's just a description of disgust). I can still remember that email that I sent when I first heard Wei Shin was leaving, where I ended off with the question "Are you going for CDR on Wednesday?" Wei Shin not only said yes, but also added that he remembers that he is supposed to bring me! Yes, and offered to bring me around sub courts if we had the time. Talk about niceness!

Anyway, back to lunch today, it was really really really nice to see Wei Shin again after such a long time! Oh, and I never ever realised that he was from Chinese Orchestra too! I even commented that yangqin players seem to be super err... gentle(?) soft-spoken(?) judging from him as well as his junior, aka, Michael Tang!

But lunch was fun, simply cause the company was great! Like I've said earlier, I just love eating with my friends. It makes working life a lot more interesting!

Just like my dinner with LiJia last Friday too! Who cares if we didn't watch Lei Yu? Somehow Jia reminds me a lot of Meisi, as in, even though we may not see each other very often, but we can just talk and talk and talk non stop for hours, as if distance/time did not make us strangers. Jia, if you do see this, and one of my earliest entries, thanks for always being my friend even after the very short 3 months we spent studying, playing and gossiping (eg. pufferilla, nespray, amongoeth (?? can't remember spelling)). *hugs*

It's really the smallest matters that make you feel most touched

Just the other day, I was having a MSN conversation with a colleague and the conversation veered towards the sweetest things that we've done for anyone around us. Frankly, I must have been a horrible person, given that I couldn't really think of anything significant that I've done to make anyone really touched. On the other hand, I could think of a million and one things that I've received that made me so awfully touched. To some, it may seem no big deal, but it's really always these small gestures that feels the sweetest.

Ok, I shall get to the point.

It's nice to get nagged at, even if it's nagging cause it shows that someone cares enough to nag. Thanks, Wenwei! Even if your sms specifically stated that you weren't nagging, you were! =)

And, someone else sent me a message on MSN. Just two words "you ok?" was sufficient to make me feel highly touched! Even if I don't foresee the person ever being able to successful nag. =) Seriously though, the attempt is already sufficiently sweet! Especially when I didn't tell you about it either. And especially when you didn't have to either.

Sion Yoong, thank you! Thank you for showing concern this time, and so the other times this year when I would probably have loved to receive some form of concern (http://reveriez.blogspot.com/2006/09/see-saw-its-so-obvious-that-i-havent.html). Hmm... though you might need to work a little harder to nag successfully! =p Anyway, THANK YOU! =)

(PS: Wenwei, thanks for the support for the matter I've just mentioned! Just in case you haven't realised, you're the ONLY person who knows, yah?)