Perceptions

Time passed easily today, despite work today not being very much different from any other. In fact, I popped by Benjamin/Laura's room to get IP too. Despite Adrian's suggestion that I get work from partners, I guess I still prefer turning to familiar people, especially since I'm not in that department... yet.

Just as what I told Clarissa today, the trick to surviving work is to have something to look forward to. Nothing else mattered as much today because my main aim was to not stay back too late. And it gave me an excuse not to go for the what-I-deemed-awkward Thursday tea. It's not that I'm very close to the pupils and I really don't feel comfortable socialising for the sake of it. Yet, it's almost a weekly thing that the pupils will turn up unless they're busy, so... Anyway, I just gave the excuse that I had to leave on time today cause I had a dinner appointment, which was true in any case!

Met up with Shamini and Guoxing. I guess my worries yesterday was rather unfounded. It was good to meet up... though I guess I overdid my bubbliness to the point that I was over suaning Guoxing. Hmm.. but it really did felt good cause I could once again revert back to the Yaofang that I was and not by some other description. But things do change over the years... Just like I've changed drastically too. But there's no point in always looking back, cause I'll never learn to appreciate now, right? =)

Un-truthful-ness

Ever exactly sat down and think about how truthful you are?

These days, if I were Pinnochio, my nose length would have broken the world record.

Still remember my analogy about effervescence yesterday? It's like.. not wanting to open the stopper so that external atmosphere will not enter and contaminate the reaction.

Is it because reality, or rather, societal life is harsh? Or am I just afraid to lean?

Or perhaps just as what I type in my nick.. that I'm just bordering upon being extra so I'm afraid to breach that line?

Yesterday afternoon, I suddenly thought of turning to "insecticide".. (Those in the know.. you know what I mean.. those who don't.. please don't be overly smart and really think of the canned chemical yahz?) But yet when insecticide appeared, whatever I wanted to complain just got stuck.

A bit stupid right? No wonder some "idiot" used that word 3 times in 3 consecutive smses.. Haha.. Seriously though, too much faking just results in super numbness to a certain point where I wonder if I would still feel pain if a knife stabbed through (which of course I'm not THAT dumb to do so..)

No wonder my mum said I used to cry a lot when I was a little kid (Though I must add, proudly I must say, that I never cried when I was sent to school! Yes, even on first days!) Cause these days, I just really feel really borrowing someone's shoulders but I just couldn't think of any...

Feeling apprehensive about meeting friends I was once closed to tomorrow.. Will it be another case of 皮笑肉不笑?

Argh... what's wrong with me? It's the new year... Come on.. be cheery CHEERY CHEERY!

A simple gesture means a lot

Was feeling gloomy ever since pupillage resumed. And the gloom worsen over the course of late last week due to some action of a certain person. Granted, I won't be staying. Granted, I am thankful that you took me in. But still, simple things do hurt and affect my opinion. Perhaps that was the catalyst that drove me to react. Yet, just like effervescence occuring in a sealed test tube, that pressure is perhaps a tad difficult to bear.

And so, to ease the pressure, the simplest thing is to remove the cork.. even if it is a slight removal.

I don't know why I choose to tell the person I told today. But I think meeting up with part of the PA people was good, cause the short few minutes of partial confiding actually eased the pressure significantly.. before anything became too hard to bear..

Shall upload the photo another day when I'm less tired..

(Photo uploaded 7/1/2006)

But what significantly brightened up the night and probably the week was a super belated New Year cum Christmas cum birthday card. And I bet the 'idiot' who sent it did so after he received the Christmas card I sent. And he probably forgot my surname too. And he had the cheek to refer to me as "irritating brat" or say that I don't look "the least bit as loving and kind" as the teddy bear in the card. But all that doesn't matter. Even more so when I took a good look at the front of the card which the word "granddaughter" printed on it.

一张普通却意外的卡片, 写满着讽刺却隐藏着关怀, 这就是我收到最棒的礼物, 也是令我最开心的惊喜. 谢谢你, 我亲爱的朋友!

Thank you really, grandfather. It's been years since we've last written postcards and stuff to each other. Yet, one look at the envelope and I knew the super red card was from you. As I read the card, the vague familarity of certain phrases just brought back a flood of memories. I kept saying I miss uniformed school these few days. But what I truly miss is the days of being surrounded by all my dearest friends. Thank you, for bringing back the warmth just when I'm feeling cold. Thank you, Guoxing!

ReVeRiEz on UnCeRtAiNTiEs

Shall start off with better news first. I've cleared my work. Right now, I'm just waiting and waiting to see PL whilst having way too much free time on my hands.

And of course, since I've so much free time, the most normal thing to do is to let my mind wander. Too much free time also allows people to think way too much. To the extent that I'm beginning to have the same thoughts I had approximately 2 weeks ago. Seriously, I really don't know why my perceptions have changed. And it's all a matter of a few months!

Then again, there are certain other things that've changed over the years too. Not that it has totally changed, else I wouldn't be bugged by it right? Can't help but conclude that sometimes, there's no point in over-planning. What's meant to be will be. Why waste so much effort right?

ReVeRiEz on ThE eFFeCts oF TiMe

Can't help but be in the reflective mood again.. Maybe it's the night, or the songs that I was listening to on my way home, or maybe it's just the end of the year again.

These few days, I've been having really weird dreams. It's been half a year since I've graduated from NUS, yet almost everyday, my dreams revolve around me still being in NUS.. either that, or the backdrop of my dreams were all NUS based. Such a familiar feeling. It wasn't too long ago that I would dream of classroom based dreams. How time flies..

Yesterday's dream was interesting. If dreams were a reflection of what goes on in my mind, I seriously have no idea how that dream came about. Or maybe I do. 2 friends from the same faculty were upset.. one said he was and the other just showed it. And I was more worried for the latter. Perhaps that was just a reflection, an indication of real life too, for certain friendships just get more bland along the way..

Read a certain Mr Chan's blog.. He had this quiz that allowed one to reflect on the year that is about to end. And then, there was a certain Mr Tan's nick on MSN that posed a question somewhat to the effect of whether you would change anything if you could turn back time (ehz.. I really can't remember clearly, so if you are reading this, don't blame me if I remembered, wrongly, k, Mr Randall?)

Those who've had read my previous blog (if you haven't and don't know the blog address, hey, that's YOUR problem, not mine.. haha) would know that quite a few events in the previous year made me decide that being cold was the way to be. Compared to the time when I forced myself to be less emotional just because of a comment Jini made before I entered law school, these events were so much better at changing me. At least in my own opinion, I thought I had become a lot colder and numb-er, or so I think.. Thankfully, some things still keep me slightly likeable.. But you know how fried ice-cream is hot on the outside but really cool on the inside? I guess I'm just the opposite.. Cold on the outside but warmer inside.. That is, if I bother to stop being cold..

Speaking of which, I was really thrilled when I got home and saw 2 personal Christmas cards. It's not the number of cards that matter, but the contents and the people who sent it. Thanks Daniel! I'm so sorry I was way too tired to write you a card, but don't worry, I'll send you another card soon! And don't worry, I'm sure ALL of us would remember to meet up in May/June.. Even if you are busy, we can still turn up at your place since you've just given us your address, RIGHT? hahaha...

The other card came from Qiuyan. 10 years. That's how long since I've first known and last seen her. As she aptly pointed out, it's so wonderful to know that somewhere out in the world, there's always another friend.. even if you don't meet up. Reminds me of kor and Guowen too. Net friends of 10 years. Still remembered I knew kor from the S-league chat room when S-league first started.. That's where I knew Johnson too.. As for Guowen, it was a really weird way to start of a net friendship that has since sprawned a decade. I think we've only chatted once before he mailed me a Christmas card. Still have that card till now. Hmm.. wonder how he's been now.. and wonder when he'll see the Christmas card I sent, as per our usual habit each Christmas..

Although people do grow up and things become different, certain things will always remain the same in some tiny corner in your heart. Maybe that's what makes me still so childish a person. Whatever the case, let's hope that the friendship that I treasure most will not be eroded along with time...

Note: The certain Mr Radio just put up his sub-nick again just for me (or so he says) though I think it's more likely that he just wants me to put up his sub-nick correctly. Anyway, it's supposed to be "if you could rewind your time, would you change your life" It's not that much different from what I remembered, right? =p

ReVeRieZ on SoMe BoLiaOz PeRsOnaLiTy TeSts

Saw the link on my sister's blog, so since I'm still waiting for my hair to dry and not wanting to use my brain, I decided to try it...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

That was rather accurate I must say... or at least that's what I think

[30 Dec 2005: Now that I look at it.. it's not that accurate either. For eg. the part about never breaking a commitment.. NEVER is a bit too extreme.. and I can think of commitments that I would break already.. Hmm...]

ReVeRiEz on I dUn NeEd LiGhTsTiCkS!

Haha.. to those in the know.. sorry, I just had to make that comment which's targetted at one particular non-reader of this blog, or so I assume..

Anyway, since I'm still as free as ever now, I just have to type this..

Thank you to all those who smsed!! I feel so loved!! Really..

Who cares if no one celebrates your birthday with you? It's all a matter of perspective.. With everyone so busy, a simple sms will do just as fine.. Or maybe I'm just easy to please.. but I'm in an extra cheery mood today =)

Oh, and you know what? I've already received my best birthday presents.. and that's having and keeping all my friends.. =) Thank you!!!!!!! =)

ReVeRieZ on GrOwInG uP

Just couldn't help but point out that time passes really quickly. It seems just like yesterday when I had to deal with a bunch of really noisy kids. And today, one of the noisier bunch of them have officially graduated. Whether they'll go on to Sec 5, or that they'll be proceeding along the ITE path, I'm still super proud of them. Really.. =)

ReVeRiEz on WaTeR DrOpLeTs..

This is getting pretty bad. I think I'm on the verge of sinking into a bout of depression again.
Don't know why I just suddenly want to borrow a shoulder for 10 seconds... 10 seconds will be enough.. I think..
Really like MayDay's latest song's lyrics.. 才发现 笑着哭 最痛

ReVeRiEz on ThE ThiRd dAy oF PuPiLLaGe..

This seriously reminds me of a Christmas carol.. Must be due to the Christmas trivia questions I compiled yesterday at work, just for our Christmas function next week..
Somehow I think if not for the need to finish pupillage in time for mass call, or rather, the fact that I want my license, I would probably do enough to get myself fired.. Ok lahz.. not fired, more of getting myself into trouble. Perhaps the motivation and the love and zest for work has left me.. so that I couldn't be bothered less about proving myself.. Afterall, there's nothing much you can prove when you have hardly anything to do other than waiting and waiting, right?
3rd day back at work and 2nd day of pondering whether coming over here was a bad move. Or rather, whether I would want to, have the guts to seek greener pastures elsewhere. Or will these greener pastures eventually turn out to be yellowish grasslands instead? I mean, the grass always seems greener elsewhere, but when you are at it, it's no longer as green.
Why do I admire my pupil master so much? Is it really because of his style? Or is merely because he's an extremely nice pupil master, especially after having to deal with male and female bitches (I know male dogs are not bitches.. but... basically that's how you would describe some guys) Or perhaps it's just cause he's my pupil master?
Frankly, I don't know exactly. As I look back and review, I really can't help but notice that Adrian makes a much better pupil master (not that he can be a pupil master though) or even Mr Marini.. All the things I've learnt from my attachments at the smaller firms add up to a whole lot more than what I've learnt here. I guess... big firms and small ones have their own advantages.. Big firms tend to give you more perks... Yet, small firms throw you into the deep end, so that you have to learn to swim faster, else you sink..
I seriously think I've a self-torturing streak in me, considering that I actually prefer working than having nothing much to do. But that's where you learn too, right?
Class chalet tomorrow.. Supposed to help buy food... I seriously hope I can get up or at least not die of tiredness... =)

ReVeRiEz on WaY tOo MuCh TiMe On HaNd

2nd day back at work.. Things have become slightly better, at least I didn't have to stone for the entire day. But... I guess it's just me being biased and ungrateful.

I guess my mum was right when she suddenly mentioned about me hating a lack of work. True. Whenever I've way too much time at work, it just makes me less motivated to work.. Like, going to work is such a drag, cause I'll just be stoning when everyone else is working.. and yet, I have to pretend that I am busy doing work..

Zapped the pupillage checklist for my pupil master today. As I was glancing through the list, I realised that I learnt little of what is stated in the checklist. Coupled with hearing how others are faring in other firms, I just can't help but wonder again. And I can't help recalling that Vincent had told me the other time when I asked for his help in getting me another pupillage position, that I should avoid changing my pupil master too often. I can't imagine what he would say if he hears of me jumping ship. Tell him first, cause he got me the position, and it'll seem like I'm telling on the firm. Tell the firm, and I'll be equally disrespectful by not informing him before hand. Not only that, but I'm quite sure I don't know how to face my pupil master either. But... I do not have as much time as the rest to learn. Like what Peng Fong said... my learning curve has to be steeper than the rest. If I continue to stay here for my pupillage, I'll only be putting myself at a disadvantage. I guess it's very much like having a ticking countdown timer.. the short amount of time I have to learn is getting shorter and shorter as I type this.. And having "not wanting to 对不起 老板, pupil master, Mr Lek etc etc" doesn't count very much as suitably not-lame reasons for staying right?

I guess staying committed to something is simply not my cup of tea.. Over forcing myself to be cheery and bubbly just plunges me into deeper gloom once I'm out of the act.. I'll snap out of it once I leave for work again tomorrow.. Just make sure I don't walk towards Caltex House and beyond again tomorrow, like what I did today. UOB and Caltex House.. that's like 2 opposite directions. Trust me to do such nonsense unwittingly.. Haha...

On an even lighter note.. I haven't seen a certain Mr Chai online for quite a while. Wonder if my really ex worldwide speed post has reached him. Otherwise, I'll want to strangle SingPost. Afterall, I don't use worldwide speed post for the sake of burning money, do I?

ReVeRiEz on FiRsT DaY bAcK fOr PuPiLLaGe

Just got back from KL yesterday night. The trip was fine. Loads of walking. I'm even impressed that I actually had the guts to go up Batu Caves, considering my severe fear of heights. But, having spent RM50 on that day trip.. obviously I wasn't going to let that money go to waste. Haha.. I do believe I have a self-torturing streak in me.. haha...

********

Back for pupillage today. After months of looking forward to being back, I really don't understand why the gloom that I really can't get rid off.

Perhaps I'm just another spoilt brat. When I saw the schedule today, I really don't understand why the gloom just crept in. It's not that I dislike Real Estate... but I just don't understand why the 1 month stinct there. And another at IP, then banking and Corp Fin. It's actually a very well spread out schedule. It's just that.. there's no more Liti, I guess.. Not that I should complain. Paul had to redo the whole schedule for the pupils just to fit me in, so whatever schedule I get, I don't have a right to complain, simply because they've already been super nice to accomodate me for the pupillage (I know Weiling said I shouldn't think about it that way, since I'm doing work too.. but I just can't.. Perhaps it's just inferior complex.. Despite hating some guy for sort of implying that I got in cause of contacts, the fact is, I really did! I really can't get rid of the thought that I didn't get in on my own accord. Stupid thought, but yes, that's me..) And, I mean, the others actually had a nice schedule before Paul had to redo this and I heard one guy being unhappy with the Schedule... only that... none actually realised why the schedule was tweaked.. so basically, I really don't have any right to be upset, right?

But.. everyone else will be staying, so even if they don't get to stay in the department they like for a longer while during pupillage, the fact is, they would still get to be where they want when they start practising.. For me, even if I'm going to practise, I'm not going to stay in the firm.. so pupillage is the only chance I get to learn from the pupil master I admire a lot. It's like.. I recalled Peng Fong actually mentioning before that I should follow my pupil master for at least one case.. from the start... and I actually said I'll ask my pupil master when I come back again for pupillage.. Yet, I don't think I'll have a chance to do that... considering that I don't even know whether I'll ever practise... Besides, that one month in Liti will not be sufficient for me to survive if I were to attempt to practise elsewhere. In fact, when Weiling was talking about her work today.. I don't know why, but I just felt so envious.

I sound totally like a spoilt brat now.. Just like some other schoolmates who whine and whine about doing work that they don't like, that they think is not useful. Frankly, it's not that I don't like my postings... they are great.. or maybe I just had too much time in my hands to let gloom envelope me today... There was absolutely nothing to do all the way till 6pm.. for that matter, work came in only at 6pm... and it's more or less done... so I'm still wondering what I'll do to rot tomorrow morning.. I had the sudden thought of changing firms today... just so that I can learn more elsewhere... but the memory that I got in here THROUGH contacts (and so, I can't really change at will) and the thought that I still wanted my pupil master as my pupil master reminded me of my foolishness..

Perhaps it's just the tiredness that's making me down.. It was the same feeling when Paul briefed us about the firm's retention policy today. Somehow, the weird me just felt weird again.. like.. I wasn't supposed to be there... especially when I know I'm not going to stay on, no matter what.. Couldn't help but notice that Paul said the firm would try its best to retain all 11 pupils.. that number would have included me... but the problem is... I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.. they've already been way too nice to take me in.. there is no way, no reason whatsoever to keep someone who didn't even get in through the interviews... much as I tried not to be a pupil that my pupil master would be ashamed to have.. somehow, I still think I'm the worst pupil in the firm... And despite this niceness on their part, I'm still feeling gloomy today.. what an ungrateful brat.. I need to SNAP OUT OF IT NOW!!

Interestingly, typing this entire incoherent entry actually made me feel so much better.. With a smile etched on my face, tomorrow will be a better day.

ReVeRiEz on PaNiC AtTaCk!

This IS bad.. My severe panic attack strikes again and I simply can't calm myself down. I can even feel my heart racing at unknown heartbeats per second, and the panic is just making it difficult to concentrate.. What's wrong with me?
Somehow, MSN is both a boon and a bane.. Good in the sense that it provides some form of distraction when I need a break from absorbing, and chatting with some calms be down.. Yet, on the other hand, the speed at how most people seem to be progressing is severely stressing me out, I think..
I'll be fine.. I'll be fine... I'll be fine... ermz.. right?

ReVeRiEz on A CoLd TuEsDaY

It's a bit hard not to notice that the rainy season is here again. Funny, has it been a while since it rained so hard during the rainy season? These few days, I seem to have the uncanny feeling that I've felt this before many many years ago, yet, that sense of familarity, I simply couldn't grasp why. It was just a feeling of coolness with a tinge of helplessness and deja vu... and I can't even put my finger to when I last felt this.. It's just... a long while ago, I think..

********

The weather is so cold today, I really didn't want to get up. This is really bad, considering that the exams start next Monday and I'm no where finishing my revision for my first paper. Has my attention span got so much worse? Or have I always been like that? To make matters worse, my panic attacks have started popping up, and I can't study when I'm panicking... gosh.. Anyone wants to suggest anywhere for me to study in? (Weiguang's idea of studying in the Science library is so not practical.. I'll feel so out of place there!!! But truly, I think a change of environment to study in would do me a bit of good.. I think)
How how how?? Would I survive PLC at all????? Argh....

********

Updated: To Daniel's suggestion that I cane myself when I don't study.. NOT BAD!! But I'll look like a badly abused kid at the end of my exams... and who's fault is that? =p
Further updated: This is really boliaoz.. but..

DaNtAw says:u study hard ah.. and i will reward u a sweet next time..
ReVeRiEzz "I'm COLD!!! Brrrr..." says: i want a CUTE sweet, can?
DaNtAw says: of course!!

Haha... Daniel owes me a CUTE sweet now.. haha.. =) Somehow, I think Daniel regrets this already.. Haha

ReVeRiEz on TiMe

I must be a nocturnal animal in a human shell.. Somehow, I just don't seem to study well in the day. Anyway, was clearing my 'My Received Files' folder, and chanced upon some photos that I haven't seen in a long long while

That was VSA camp 2003, the first time that we (ie. me, Qi and GK) participated in the camp. I started off being highly apprehensive.. me? looking after the disabled? But things wasn't as bad as I thought. In fact, my group was one of the easiest to handle.. The most well behaved. And the volunteers from that camp seemed to be closer, at least in my opinion.

And then, VSA camp 2004 came and went. Vicknesh had school and so, the rather lousy camp coordinates switched my group approximately 2.5 hours before we were supposed to turn up. Somehow, June ought be quite rather honoured.. My memories of the camp was mainly me and Weishi shouting at her for god knows how long.. or Qi Guang for that matter, for his lack of manners to those who were nicer to him (ie. Roy) Over-protective of my fellow group volunteer? or just plainly more bad-tempered? I don't know. But the camp did made me lose utter respect for some supposedly in authority figure, I suppose..

Thanks to the 2003 camp, some of us volunteers remained in touch. Though we started off having absolutely nothing to say at our birthday gatherings.. I guess it's better now, as compared to Daniel's 1st birthday celebration, though I wonder why we're always meeting up for someone's birthday. Luckily, our birthdays are at least spread-out a little, so we still get to meet at different times in the year (though I realised.. aside from Gary whose birthday is in January, none of us have birthdays in the first half of the year.. Daniel's birthday is also much closer to the second half of the year too)

This year's VSA camp, I doubt any of us would be taking part. Wonder how the camp would be like this year, and whether Benson is going again.. In any case, even though these camps and other voluntary stuff may have been tedious, it's all part of my growing up. (Can't help but be reminded of Yunxiang and Shixiang.. wonder how they are now.. )

Just like tuition. Last year, it was Karen. This year, Darryl's graduating (or rather, he's finished his O levels by now). Didn't exactly get a chance to get anything for Darryl, since his mum cancelled the last tuition (which also means I've to sms her for my pay.. something which I dislike doing) Four years already, time flies doesn't it?

This time next year.. What would I be doing? What would I be thinking about?

One thing for sure... I'll still be in the process of growing up.. and getting more reticient (however it's spelt) .. and perhaps in Calvin's words.. mysterious (am I? hahahah....)

Disclaimer (it's been a long while since I've resorted to this huh?): In case you are wondering why these posts sound sian, yah lahz.. I admit I'm feeling gloomy and perhaps a tad irritable lately.. and my various means of external stimulus can only get me chirpier for a short while.. I'll be fine in a short while.. I'm sure =)

Updated on 22nd Nov: Just for the sake of completeness, according to my highly reliable source(aka Gary) there won't be any need for volunteers this year. Ah well.. who cares?

ReVeRiEz on On-ThE-JoB TrAiNiNg

A bit tired of studying (okiez.. I agree I'm permanently tired of studying, but that's not the point).. Anyway, as I was saying.. I'm just way too sianz of doing notes (at least that was what I did the whole of yesterday, well almost) so I shall slack a little while more.

Just got back from on-the-job training.. It's been a long while since I could feel for people, I think, yet somehow, today's short little OTJ just made me feel more human, less cold. It's been a long long time since I've done any volunteer work, even the last VSA camp was almost a year ago. But VSA camp, with all the scoldings (aimed at some uncooperative campers) and being pissed off (esp by the lousy-at least-in-my-humble-opinion social worker) didn't help me find the compassion that I once had..

Must be the lack of rest and the do-i-have-a-home syndrome acting up again. Else, how could I actually feel for others?

Photos from Last Edu-dine!

Since Clarissa has just sent me the photos, I thought I would just upload them.

With Beatrice

With Clarissa

ReVeRiEz on My pErFeCt FrIeNdS

Even if I do not have a very decent family atmosphere, I still think I'm one of the luckiest persons on earth.. You know why?

Cause I have the MOST perfect friends in the world!

And you know what?

I LOVE my friends!

Even if I have to power to change, I'll never want to be someone else, even if it means I would shed less tears in a place where most people feel safe in. Simply because, I feel like the luckiest person on earth to have these people as my friends. Where else can you find friends who allow you to be the brattiest (of there's such a word) of brats all the time?

* * * * * * * *

Calvin, thanks for borrowing 7.2kg worth of books and lugging them all the way to my lift door! You know, even my dad wouldn't do that for me.. In fact I'll be thankful if I'm not the one who's supposed to carry those heavy stuff instead.. And you could have gone home directly too, then you wouldn't have to walk in the rain when you had your laptop with you.. I mean, lugging those books cannot be more important as compared to you not falling sick during exams (touch wood) and protecting your laptop.. 谢谢!

On the same note, Koon, thanks for obliging me with those books, and all the way to Chinatown too. Chinatown Point is not far from subordinate courts, and it's awfully near if you were to compare Chinatown to NUS, Chinatown to Yishun or Chinatown to Town area. You know, even though the 'Gan ma' label has stuck on since JC, you've always behaved so much more like a Da Ge that I've always wished I had, catering to all my unreasonable behaviour and taking them with a pinch of salt, to the point that... I think you're one of the causes of me being a brat lohz.. *points finger at you* But seriously, by the looks of it, I think I'll never be able to finish paying off all the 人情债 I owe you by the end of this lifetime lohz... so you have to think twice about being nice, or you better start demanding favours from me yahz?

okok.. these two paragraphs look weird here.. but, I doubt I'll say such things in real life.. weird lahz... anyway, I think I need to stop, else my eyes will start brimming with tears.. disgustingly over-emotional, I must agree.. How else would Jini once comment that I'm not cut out for law? haha..

ReVeRiEz oN iT'S tHe CoMpAnY yOu HaVe tHaT mAtTeRs

Really couldn't help but be reminded of a particular scene some TCS drama 7 years ago where Ann Kok's character made a really apt statement about how one's company mattered more than the surrounding circumstances.

So often, each of us can have different reaction to the same thing done by a different person.. Just as being in the company of different people invoke different reactions.

Met up with Alicia and Itak today. Not that we did much different either... just food and walking around.. and there were periods of silences too. But unlike in many other occasions, silence did not equate with awkwardness. It was just a feeling of comfortable silence and that's it.

Interestingly, I realised that it wasn't too difficult disclosing more matters than what I normally would too. Don't know why, but at that moment, I couldn't help but compare how different it was with another supposedly close friend. Itak da ge was simply very much like a da ge I could trust.. and I could just speak my mind freely and matter-of-factly, without worrying that whatever I had uttered would turn into a weapon used to hurt me later on.

Really couldn't help but recall what popped into my mind again not too long ago. It seems that as time flies pass, the friends that I treasure most are still those I've met before Uni.. (okiez.. with the exception of a really small tiny minority) They're the ones who can still brighten my day just by their presence even on the gloomiest days. They're the ones who I would be willing to do anything for, just as many of them have become my pillars of support over the years. And I'll always be indebted to them, for providing their rays of sunshine..

ReVeRiEz on cOnFiDaNtEs..

Somehow the spelling looks weird, but in any case, what matters is that I understand what I'm typing right?

Whilst typing this entry I'm actually chatting with a friend on a separate window. This kind of night, this kind of weather coupled with being able to chat with a trusted friend, or rather confiding in the friend and letting out some pent-up stress within... it just feels very comfortable and relaxing.. so much so that I don't want to sleep at all

Can't help but be reminded of Itak and for that matter, Darmaji.. It's been years since I chatted with them on the phone or through sms through the night.. In fact, I think they're the only ones whom I've actually used a phone to chat with in the wee hours of the morning, in the dark study room, hidden somewhere amongst my tables.. or if it's sms... I'll be lying on my pillow and smsing away..

And whilst typing this, my runaway imagination is beginning to dream of sitting back to back with a close friend and just talk...... just like JC days perhaps...

I love the night... cause it makes the insecure me most secure.. especially with the cool weather... (but don't ask me why much as I love the night, I'm also scared of the night... I'm just plain contradictory huh?)

How much do I trust people? I really don't know.. Still remembered Kok Sing and his naggy backlash theory. Why do I feel more comfortable talking about my thoughts when I don't see the other party? And even so, why do I still not type/write everything? Hmm..

Still.. the feeling tonight is just very comfortable. something I haven't felt in a long long long time.. Perhaps I'll just savour and quit analysing yahz?

And of course, considering that I still don't feel comfortable showing emotions to people.. Thank you, the unfortunate friend whom I've been chatting with.. it really feels very dreamily nice today.. truly.. =)