PA Policy Studies Gals
Claire, me, Crystal and Wanjing (with her art work)

When you have one defect, you'll always something in return for that

Couldn't help recalling a phrase to that extent in 'Fly Me to Polaris'.

Couldn't help thinking how true that phrase is, well, at least to me. Regardless of how messy things turn out here, it always feels good to have people to turn to. And I must say, it really feels ultra nice that a brat can get so much attention whenever she is down.

Still pondering whether to go Shanghai during the first week of Jan. Quite interested in the itinery. But that'll mean leaving sis alone at home with a certain person. Even though he likes her 100 times more than me, somehow, you never know how a insane person reacts. If this person has the guts to curse people day in day out (so much like his mum), tell people to attempt 'sky-diving' without that parachute and perform his regular antics, I don't feel safe leaving my sis here. But, mum seems highly keen on that, and wants company to go. I don't know.

Results out at 1pm on 24th Dec. That's a few hours later. I'm beginning to have butterflies in my stomach. Please... no 'D's... more 'B's.. *prays HARD* I need better grades to aim for bigger bucks so that I can have my own apartment (hopefully a house), go overseas(hopefully HK) for studies and then work. (Just had another 'live' reminder of the importance of money, how important it is never to get married if the saying that your husband would resemble your dad is true...)

On a lighter note, saw Itak's testimonial. Was nice to see the belated birthday greeting. Wonder how he knew. And I noticed one of his photos had Darmaji in it (or so I think). Haven't seen/heard from Darmaji for almost 3++ years. Wonder how he's faring. Also noticed a child beside Itak. Must ask him about that kid =p

PS: To those who have clicked on the 'Hugz' button, thanks a lot! =) Never expected that there would be much change from the number zero! Thank You!

Too much of something may not be a good thing

Went to grandparents' place today. Apparently, my grandmother had gone shopping in KL with an aunt, leaving my grandpa alone at home. To think that my mum didn't even know when she called yesterday. But grandfather seemed quite happy to have company, his face lit up when we were there, and looked a bit down when my mum and I went out shopping for a while. And he actually went out to buy 1kg worth of durians and a chicken just because my mum and I were visiting. Somehow, despite what he said, I still don't believe he took his lunch. When I went out and packed some xiao long bao and jiao zi back to force him to eat, he looked like he enjoyed the xiao long bao a lot, even though he was commenting to my mum about how ex it was. Somehow, I felt quite handicapped by my incapability to speak Teochew. I mean, even though I can understand 3/4 of what he says, I can merely reply in Chinese. Perhaps it's high time I engage a Teochew tutor. Anyone keen on taking up the post? I promise I'll be an obedient student, yah?

Anyway, back to the topic. Thought of this topic on my way to my grandparents' place today. May seem to be a boliao thing to do, but hey, try travelling from Hougang to Boon Lay without a discman.

Why such a topic?

Many weeks ago, before the start of my exams, I received an sms from an ex-colleague (and i really mean long long time ago) whom I've not heard from for a long time. Even though I've already deleted that number from my phone eons ago, I didn't think too much about replying to the sms-es. I mean, it's not too bad to keep in touch with people you used to work with and were on ok terms with, right?

And then, I began to get more and more sms-es. And then I learnt that this person was on the verge of being kicked out of his lodging by his sister and her friend. Yet, there remained a refusal to elaborate on the circumstances. But even more sms-es followed. And it did get creepy. I mean, when a person you've lost touch with suddenly starts being so concerned about you and you were not even super close to the person in the past, it feels a bit weird right? Not forgetting that this person is older than me, yet he behaves like some teenager.

Am I just being paranoid or what? Somehow, it seems unusual that a person with extreme behaviours like me would be frightened by extremes. But the whole episode is enough to make me avoid replying the sms-es as much as possible...

Reflections

Noticed my recent entries have been angst-ridden. Adults are supposed to have a tighter rein over their emotions. Yet, why do I feel as if I'm regressing?

Then again, why do people advocate good emotional handling? No doubt, a total lack of it would mean somewhat like LiQing's violent behaviour, which, for obvious reasons, should not be condoned. The point is, sometimes, the better we are at hiding our emotions, the more 'plastic' we become and worse, misunderstandings arise easily too.

Take for example, B does something that A does not like. A, like any good adults, suppresses his opinions. So B, not knowing that A is not too happy with his actions continues with what he is doing, thereby incurring greater wrath. And the cycle continues until one day, A explodes. By then, it'll be too late.

Can't help but recall a certain word that 'grandfather' used to use.. 'backlash' Indeed, whatever we do, the true outcome will definitely show. The only difference is when. A rigid glass bottle can only hold a certain amount of air before it explodes. Similarly, a balloon though flexible, is liable of bursting if air continues to be pumped in non-stop.

The point is, why on earth do we harp on being able to be nice to everyone even when we detest that person or his actions deep down? Kids do quarrel and make up soon after. On the other hand, when adults quarrel, the thorn stays there no matter how they 'patch up' later. So perhaps it's time that we relegate back to our childhood behaviour?

Out with Ciyao

It takes a truly boliao person like me to be able to type blog entries that often. Oh well.. I AM boliaoz..

Finally, met up with Ciyao on our once every 6 months meet-up (No thanks to SBS, I was late againz.. grrr.. to think I got up early!!!) Walked around Parkway.. ate at Jack's Place and then did a bit of shopping cum window shopping. Nothing much unusual, but like I always say, it's not what you do that matters, but the company that you have. Being with her just feels great.. for no particular reason. (Hmm.. somehow was just reminded about the need to help her with some matchmaking.. her mum would be very pleased with me... haha.. Nah.. But I don't think she really needs my help lahz)

Oh.. and something great happened today too! Bumped into.... QIUTING!!!!!!!! To think I was still wondering if she was back, and there she was, with her sis and her dad. Her sis IS truly truly truly CUTE!!!!! =) Shall look forward to meeting up with her
___________________________________________________________________
The media merger dust has settled. Some are leaving, some are staying. Somehow, the feeling is just not the same. 'Tian xia wu bu san zhi yan xi' Yet, a TV station that had kept me company through my 4 years of Uni life, it just feels weird without it. Oh well.. Life is harsh.. Even Star Awards don't seem as interesting as it was years ago.
___________________________________________________________________
Don't know what came over me to send that apology sms. In any case, it feels better to have apologised, even if the person in question had no idea I was damn pissed with him..

Empty

The feeling of emptiness after the rain... feels like a directionless person... just moving without knowing..

Just like what I asked Koon and Daniel, why am I always in the wrong when I stand up for another?

Know this sounds ultra pathetic.. But, does anyone want to keep me company for the whole of the Monday after this coming one? I just don't want to be at home for the whole day... somewhat akin to running away.. still... PLEASE? I'm not choosy about who, or what to do... I just want to hide... can?

_______________________________________________
Can't help but notice this comment on someone else's blog whom I was surfing on.. My apologies for the infringement:

"for the night...it was J that YF and me riled up over her refusal to change her bathing stuff...i shan't say what it was...but it was irritating enough to waste a good 40mins getting and negotiating with her in the dorm, the bathroom and back at the dorm again..."

Comments: Aiyoh, that is so easy already... Try having the gals from my group... a.k.a. bessie...

Who says Bessie is that hard to deal with? It merely depends on what method you use. Having dealt with both J and B, J definitely gets my vote for being harder to deal with. Then again, shall be diplomatic and keep my comments to myself.. But can't help but wonder about the reason for someone always having a hard time dealing with them. Perhaps like what my sis says that the particular person can't always be so awfully unlucky, right?

Personality test once againz..

No idea why I went to do another personality test again... Somehow the first thought that popped into my mind was something that I sms-ed someone many months ago.. What am I suited for? Or do I have no strengths at all?

Anyway, back to the results:

My Bloginality is ESFP!!!

Wondering about the accuracy, esp when I only had to answer 4 (or was it 5 questions). The questions are quite similar to the MBTI one I took years ago in RGS... yet the results seem different this time round. Is it because I've changed? Or it's just merely inaccurate?

Anyway, according to the test, ESFPs generally have the following traits:
Live in the present moment
Are stimulated and excited by new experiences
Practical and realistic
Warmly interested in people
Know how to have a good time, and how to make things fun for others
Independent and resourceful
Spontaneous - seldom plan ahead
Hate structure and routine
Dislike theory and long written explanations
Feel special bond with children and animals
Strongly developed aesthetic appreciation for things
Great people skills

ESFPs are good at many things, but will not be happy unless they have a lot of contact with people, and a lot of new experiences. They should choose careers which provide them with the opportunity to use their great people skills and practical perspective, which will also provide them with enough new challenges that they will not become bored.

The following list of professions is built on our impressions of careers which would be especially suitable for an ESFP. It is meant to be a starting place, rather than an exhaustive list. There are no guarantees that any or all of the careers listed here would be appropriate for you, or that your best career match is among those listed.

Artists, Performers and Actors
Sales Representatives
Counselors / Social Work
Child Care (WHAT? They must be joking...)
Fashion Designers
Interior Decorators
Consultants
Photographers

As you can see... It's Sooo inaccurate.. Either that, or I should start worrying, that there are no jobs suitable for me.. Hmm...

VSA Camp..

Got back from the camp yesterday night. Just read in TODAY that lack of sleep makes bosses irritable. Ah.. the wonders of sleep. Perhaps that's why this entry is less angst-filled as compared to the version that I was typing yesterday.

Anyway, back to the camp. 2nd and LAST time at the camp. Despite a good rest last night, I still don't seem to have snapped out of my 'sinking' feeling. The reminder that I cannot handle kids is still deeply imprinted in my mind. I am even more resolved than before that kids are not suited to have any role in my life, or maybe, they should just retain their 'see-and-find-them-cute' distance. Evolving into a really practical person huh? A person who is awfully numbed. The constant reminder for the need to be professional. Not that I really was by the end of yesterday. One unlucky volunteer in my group had to bear the brunt of my irritability yesterday by getting icy cold treatment. But frankly, even though this volunteer was the only befriender in my group without the 'Best Befriender' award, and even though I had already predicted so earlier (it's not too difficult to read the minds of Theo and the VMs, can even tell what their criteria is) I somehow still feel that he is more deserving of it than another, who though highly effective, somehow wasn't as truly involved. Then again, who am I to judge. Afterall, amongst the 4 of us, I still generated the worst performance, which explains the nomination of all 3 of them for the award, much to the surprise (and probably amusement) of Theo..

Thankfully this camp wasn't my real working environment. Otherwise, there goes any possible performance bonus. Not only did I not perform up to standard, my lack of professional attitude (in other words, my highly evident childish behaviour) also made a huge dent in my work performance. Come on gal! You need a greater amount of plastic!!! Considering the pathetic state of this country of yours where deregulations and mergers are at the mercy of those up there, it is important NOT to burn your bridges even if you are on the other end. No doubt yesterday was the last day of the camp, and you probably would never have to work with the person who pissed you off throughout the camp, yet, you never know. If you had already tolerated the past few days without slapping his face (esp since you knew you had to work with the person) you can jolly well withhold your favourite ice treatment for the last few hours. Afterall, you won't be that suay to bump into that particular person anywhere around here or school *cross fingers*

On a lighter note, I do deserve a pat on my back for improving on my childish behaviour too. No doubt one fellow volunteer mentioned my normal self is crappy (which I think is kind of far from the truth) still my ability of occasionally working harmoniously with a person I had dreaded to work with does deserve some praise (even if I am the one praising myself)

On an even lighter note, Benson is still as CUTE as ever! (Even sis totally agrees with that!) And he gave me a hug without me asking for it!! This, compared to last year when he only stuck himself to his 'mummy' and didn't play with me! So happy =) He's soooo awfully cute that I don't mind even when he made me 'koala-bear' carry him around... or even piggy back him! He's really sooo awfully cute!! I'll miss seeing him (since this is the last time I'm volunteering) Heard from sis that his mum wasn't very nice.. Actually told him that he is less good as compared to the other campers cause he had fewer art pieces on display.. But who cares about the parents.. He's really sooooo awfully cute. If only he were in my group......


VSA Camp 2004 -- Group 6 (Spain)
Back (Befrienders): Weishi, Me, Daniel 'Mummy', 'Best-Camper' Roy
Front (Campers): Peicheng, QiGuang, June, Yiting, Yin King, KaiYuan

6 weeks

A wonderfully poignant piece of work.. I'll truly miss watching Adrian Pang when MediaWorks ceases existence..

______________________________________

What would you do if you only had 6 weeks left?

Quite a number would say 'I'll want to do this, this and this..' Would that really be so?

Adrian Pang's character in the show, though truly gutless, seems so real. The stage of being lost, then gathering the pieces. I doubt that many would be so brave as to say immediately, 'Since I won't be around here soon, I better go about doing everything I had wanted to do'.. Probably be stunned first and go through a period of denial, yah?

It's hard to say for such how I'll react. Yet one thing for sure, I'll be like Adrain Pang's character and not want to tell others about my condition.. Fewer people know, the better. Afterall, what can they do?

_______________________________________
Is today a day of problems? Hmm... from the looks of my phone, it seems so..

can't be of much help, still... Jia you, everyone!

VSA Camp tomorrow...

Really admire a particular friend who's going for 2 camps consecutively next week.. and the camps are not even the fun-play-only type..

Somehow, I seem to enjoy typing on changes here. Don't ask me why, cause I've no idea what's with my obsession with noticing changes anyway..

Even today's version of Super Sunday had change as part of the theme too. Highly amusing how awful a kid David Tao was. But more importantly, the last few runs of Super Sunday really does lack a certain 'high level'. Somehow, the show is simply not the same without the 2 other veterans of the show. The lack of a certain tacit understanding between the hosts made the once-popular show much less palatable..

Seems like I'm digressing from what I initially planned to type..

VSA youth camp starts tomorrow, at least for the volunteer.. Somehow, frankly, I don't seem to have muster the enthusiasm. Is it like what a certain person had said, that perhaps it's time for me to move on and find something else that can muster that fire in me? Or is it just a case of a lack of focus point in life? I don't know.. Even the thought of being friendly, having to work with new people, or even, people I know but don't particularly like, seems to be weighing down on me. Ah.. but of course, being old enough, I ought to remember the need to be professional no matter who I work with (read: emotionless).. which means stop being whiny now lahz! argh!

Hopping off to another point (frankly, I'm beginning to wonder if I've some kind of psychiatric disorder, especially after reading a small part of the book on that.. hmm..) wonder if Qiu is back in Singapore. She arrived in Singapore this day last year.. Hmm..

Which also reminds me.. it's time I post less copyrightable stuff up here. It sure does feel a bit eerie when you find out that the same copyrightable material pops up at a later time somewhere else.. But there's no way you can complain, since you don't own the copyright to that particular material... Ah well..

Family are strangers you may not know

Couldn't help rearranging the title of another friend's blog entry to create my title.

Sometimes, it's not that I don't know you are maintaining a cold war. Rather, by pretending not to know, I'm just diffusing tension. Otherwise, you'll just continue with a greater extent of the war.

But...

It's not exactly my fault, is it? Well, since you do not want me to voice my opinions to certain people, instead of remaining dumb and feeling awful in the cage, I choose to go out for a breather, to avoid any circumstances of conflict. Afterall, even if I stand up for you and then someone else turns bonkers, it's still my fault. So why on earth would you need me in the cage?

It wasn't as if I chose to disappear for almost the entire day either. Somehow, I know you think I did. But you forgot I still had to give tuition at night. Yes, I won't forget about earning my money, the sum may be paltry, but that's the only sum that's most dependable. And running away from reality for another 2 hours does sound good..

Told a friend I made this year the other day that I hate December holidays. He immediately linked it to traumatic happenings, which of course I deny immediately. Truth is, a lot of my unhappy memories do happen in December, all the more on a certain particular day. Since he didn't probe any further after I gave a lame excuse about my distaste for December, I just kept mum. But truly, I really really do hate December, and I'm still hoping to find someone who doesn't know the significance of that day to keep me company for that one entire day. (Any takers?) Of course, that'll earn me the wrath of some people but why can't I just choose to have a tear-free day for that particular day? An ex-classmate of mine was upset because no one seemed to remember his significant day. For me, I just want every single person to forget.. about my existence, so long as I get a nicely uneventful day. Is that possible? I doubt so..

That's what friends are for...

Don't ask me what that title, that song just popped into my head, and there it goes, up as the title for the current entry.

Holidays officially started yesterday. Though Friday's matters seemed poised to be a huge storm to my holidays, yet it's just like when you hear the weather forecast, you can always avoid the area until the clouds blow over.

At least that's what I did, which explains why this pathetic gal here spent 2+ hours in the school's library, furiously zapping away.. No, don't worry, it's not my idea of great fun, but when you can't think of where to waste your time, and shopping centres can't last you the entire late morning cum noon, you're forced to improvise.

Still, I guess for a BRAT like me, I should be thankful that I've friends who cater to my requests.

Just like the official first day of my freedom started on the right note. Thanks to an old friend who kept me company the entire afternoon. Not sure if that friend felt bored. If he did, he didn't say, so it's impossible for an insensitive person like me to know, yah? Still, the eating, walking around aimless was good fun, not because of the activities themselves, but just cause of the company, I guess.

Another friend told me the other day that having a packed day like mine sounds good.. Yet, I was so tempted to say that sometimes, I'll really love a rest too, if only I could. The reminders of having to force myself out even though I was awfully unwell doesn't sound any bit enticing to me.. Ah well...

I guess I'll say that I'm always running away.. Running, running and running.. yet, just as in real life, my stamina is not that good.. I tend to tire out too.. Just that sometimes, I don't even know what to hold on to.. it's just run, run and run..

I guess that's where I've got certain friends to thank.. For not complaining even though I act like a brat.. Come to think of it, I do get brattier and brattier as I grow older.. Hmm.. a reversal of age? Still, I better start counting my lucky stars..

On a lighter note, I got a friendster message from a particular senior I admire. Am I just too sleepy to feel extra cheery... Under normal circumstances, I would feel so, right? Still, it's good to know he's doing his masters now.. hmm... another smart guy... it's only his 4th year... and it's already masters....

倔强
曲：阿信 词：阿信 编：五月天

当 我和世界不一样 那就让我不一样
坚持对我来说 就是以刚克刚
我 如果对自己不行 如果对自己说谎
即使别人原谅 我也不能原谅

最美的愿望 一定最疯狂
我就是我自己的神 在我活的地方

我和我最后的倔强 握紧双手绝对不放
下一站是不是天堂 就算失望不能绝望

我和我骄傲的倔强 我在风中大声的唱
这一次为自己疯狂 就这一次 我和我的倔强
(就这一次 让我大声唱啦啦啦...)

对 爱我的人别紧张 我的固执很善良
我的手越肮髒 眼神越是发光
你 不在乎我的过往 看到了我的翅膀
你说过被火烧过才能出现凤凰

逆风的方向 更适合飞翔
我不怕千万人阻挡 只怕自己投降
________________________________
I wanna go Plaza Sing.. Argh... why must there be exams?!?

Exam Timetable

LAL1201: Tamil 1
Date: 19/11/2004
Time: 9:00 AM
Venue: AS6-02-09/14
Seat Number: 16

CL2281: Translation and Interpretation
Venue: AS6-02-09/14
Seat Number: 90
Date: 20/11/2004
Time: 1:00 PM

LL4019 : Credit and Security
Date: 26/11/2004
Time: 2:30 PM
Venue: Sheares Hall
Seat Number: 111


LL4006:Banking Law
Venue: Moot Court
Seat Number: 51
Date: 02/12/2004
Time: 9:00 AM

Even with Topics in Financial Law, Marine Insurance Law and IT Law 1 over... Still have 4 more modules to stretch me further.. Praying really really hard...

Oh.. and hopefully the pain in my left wrist and finger would go off soon... and that hand regains its strength... Hmm...

LAST tuition...

Had my last tuition with Karen today... interesting how time flies... 4 years have passed... from a fresh sec 1 gal.. she's now one of the seniors in school.. and me? from a freshie to a... oldie? haha..

even though travelling to her place was dreadful esp when i had to rush my work.. you would think that i'll be super happy that i won't have to wait for 136s any more.. yet.. somehow, there was still the tinge of yi yi bu she...

afterall, it's been 4 years...

Financial Law Paper in a few hours time...

Gosh.. i AM envious of Sherwin, Sandra, Reichmann etc... they get to play whilst I'm still stuck..

1 oral down on Tues... Topics in Financial Law Paper will be out at 4pm.. and I've not finished reading every single article... Thinking of completing my Tamil homework instead.. Wonder why Hougang is written as 'Havgaan'? Doesn't sound the least bit like Hougang.. Hmm..

Looking forward to Tues.. That'll mean Financial Law paper down, and Interpretation Oral Exam down.. that'll leave me to mug for my Marine Insurance weekend paper... and tamil oral.. Have decided.. I'll deal with IT Law 1 after Tamil Oral... and then 2 days to complete my part of the notes for Credit and Security...

Okiez.. hope I keep to mental timetable...

Wonder if we're invited to dad's colleague's place again for Deepavali... I simply LOVE his cooking! Besides... I need to get a chance to show off my pathetic Tamil, yah? [just realised yesterday... I don't know how to say 'Shut up!', but am able to say 'Get out!' Just imagine using it on students if I ever get the chance.. haha... send them out of class, just cause I can only say the later..]

Heard on fm88.3 that there'll be the sequel to Bridget Jones' Diary in December.. can't help recalling who I watched the first part with.. Time really flies huh?

Jigsaw thoughts

当烦恼越来越多
玻璃弹珠越来越少
我知道我已慢慢地长大了
红色的蜻蜓曾几何时
也在我岁月里慢慢不见了

****************

The 4-in-1 keychain Christmas present that Vicknesh gave.. the knife doesn't work.. regardless of how much force is used to scratch against certain easily cut surface, nothing happens.. What type of knife is that?!?

****************

在难免有风有雨
人生长路上
因为你我会变得更坚强

****************


About 5 years ago, I had to drop a subject. I refused to display a single sign of emotion in class. Even in the toilet, when another classmate started crying, I still didn't cry. Hardly said a single word the whole day in school. Didn't want to comment about how I was feeling. Remembered the 1st thing I did during recess was to leave a message to my most dependable friend, the one I trusted most, just to say 'I really have to drop a subject'.

***************

软弱的时候
我不会低头
多么幸运和你一起走

****************

Fast forward 5 years. Sent an utterly senseless and weird sms to the same person. But this time, it was more because I felt safe. Thought that same friend would not have any reaction, would not care and would not reply, so that I won't be such a bother to those I consider friends. Was surprised to get an sms after a while. There was a missed call too, but I wonder if it was merely accidental pressing of the wrong button..

****************

别以为我不在乎
面无表情叫做酷

****************

Was listening to << 孤单北半球 >> for the whole day.. Somehow, it seems the melody, the voice proved the only calming effect...

****************

家里到课堂
永远迟到慌张
成绩单要往哪里藏
不要批评我的智商
有太多期望
想带着玩具
到处流浪

****************

A man's dreams are an index to his greatness - Zadoc Rabinowitz

You know you haven't been blogging for a long while when the layout of the blog looks unfamiliar to you

****************************

One year, 365 days.. Numerous changes..

"If only time could freeze at that moment.."

Sounds familiar? Whenever things go wrong, it's so much easier to look back and wish things were like they were before, yet, is it possible?

Who is to guarantee that the environment would remain the same? The people in the scenario will not change? Like what I had copied in many entries earlier, the only thing that does not change is but change itself..

Express students in N(A), N(A) students in Express, mischievous ones becoming well behaved, or even students quitting school..

Familiarity surrounded by strangeness. Know yet not know.

But it's always good to be updated.. =) Familiar, likeable faces breeds happiness..

If only the changes applied to most of those adults. The cannot-make-it ones to be can-make it. Or perhaps attempt to improve their EQ and English before they attempt to pass on the right knowledge..

All these revamps in our education system seem to forget one important thing.. deal with the quality of the knowledge-attributor first...

Your element is Rain: Sad, lonely, distant and unique. You are quite distant from emotion and people, but you have been made this way by one thing or another. Your are truly unique yet fail to see it, and are quite creative be it in art, music, writing, etc.. You used to let people in now you don't even bother to try having been hurt so many times in the past. Your attitude is that you don't need anyone but yourself, people are just trouble waiting to happen. But you really do want to trust someone no matter if you see it or not, deep down your waiting for someone to come and set you free. This kind of depression can turn dangerous, don't let them get to you. Not everyone in the world will hurt you, humans are humans and are not perfect. So most likely sooner or later you'll meet someone who feels like you do and perhaps your shell will eventually disappear.

Contradictory

Ever had the experience that you didn't really want something that badly, yet when you get a negative response, you still had this niggling weird feeling?

Humans are such contradictory creatures. If you had wanted something, and then you didn't get it, granted, you would feel upset. Yet, it's interesting how one actually has this uncomfortable feeling too when one didn't put in any effort to apply for something, couldn't be bothered and then gets a rejection call. Perhaps it's just ego deflating..