Shallow in thought?

Ever wondered why there's the phrase "deep in thought" but not a "shallow in thought"? It's also another form of thinking but unlike being focused on something, your brain waves are swooshing at all different directions, participating in many a jumble of thoughts all at once..

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Procrastinating is bad. I meant to type a happy entry yesterday, but felt way too tired to type. Nevermind, I shall try to transport myself back to yesterday and see how successful I am at that.

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I don't know what came over me, but in the end, I really did type partially about what was bothering me to someone after the dinner on Thursday. Perhaps I'm just not used to confiding, at that point in time, I was just typing and typing, but it was typed all in a matter of fact manner. You know, the kind where you don't have any feelings at the time of "whining"?

But it sure felt happy "chatting" with an old friend I trust. It's been such a long time but you'll always be the friend whom I can totally transform into the irritating little girl behaviour, however old I get. And yahz.. the friend I'll always be grateful to. You know, I wanted you to turn up for my commencement mainly because up till today, I still think I owe my university place to you. If not for your encouragement (not sure if you still remember your banana skill story), your time in helping me with school work (not to mention your scariness), I don't think I'll ever be able to get into uni, much less take the course which I ended up in. So yahz, I owe my degree to you (even though it's not that good, but that's through my own fault..) and now you understand why I want you back before the last Saturday of May (or if you want to be back that day that's your problem, so long as you can get back to see me get called *hopefully I would..*)

Seriously though, it felt good to just type and not worry about news spreading to the wrong people. Even more so when I actually "had company" during office hours yesterday. Typing about I-can't-remember-what just made everything seemed brighter.. I could even light bounce in the office (can't exactly skip like what I used to do across NJ library cause I'm supposedly older and have to supposedly look more mature at work) But, the light hearted feeling just felt much better.. I was even slightly more talkative (as compared to the past few days) when I had lunch with Xinyi too..

Had dinner with Sihao, before he leaves for Australia for his studies. Seeing the so-much-taller him just reminds me of how time flies. And later when we were back home msn-ing, he said something that reminded me so much of the short sms "conversation" I had with another friend about my behaviour at the dinner the night before. Can't help wondering.. have I been a bad influence? Hahahaha..

Oh, and I received an email reply to a letter I hand delivered on Tuesday. Though it was a negative reply, it really didn't affect me at all. Perhaps I really wasn't that keen to uproot myself to what I deem a more hostile environment. And, not to sound rude, their reply was really so dumb. Seriously! Don't ask me to type what they sent here, you go and guess what's so funny about it..

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I just realise that talking to an imaginary "person" is good mainly because it's so much easier to "talk" to nothing (in that it's so much easier to say what you feel like saying) and it feels so much better after that. I started this entry whilst somewhere on the fine line of breaking down and not, but at the end of this, I'm actually feeling way much better. Still I did a yahoo search earlier to test my suspicions and came up with this:

WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION?

The following are the most common symptoms of depression. If you experience 5 or more of these symptoms for 2 weeks or longer, you are probably depressed.

• Persistent sadness or feeling down or gloomy
• A loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed, such as socializing with friends and family, most of the day, nearly every day.
• Loss of appetite and loss of weight.
• Insomnia. For some people, on the contrary, they find that they are sleeping more than normal.
• Feeling restless and agitated more easily.
• Feeling tired and having little energy.
• Unable to concentrate and think clearly and thereby becoming indecisive.
• Feeling of worthlessness and guilt
• Recurrent thoughts of death

That was from IMH website, by the way.

And of course, I'm not going to count aloud here which criterias I've satisfied. Only that I realised that I've been almost on the verge of tears every other day (if not more often) and often for reasons that are not necessary of that big deal. And the fact that things that could normally stretch my over-bubbliness to a few days are now capable of making me high only for a day at most, thought it's usually for a few hours. And there are times when I really wanted to have a knife stab me, not due to any suicidal thoughts, but more of to feel whether I can feel anything. When a box file fell and brushed past me just now whilst I was still hunting for letter containing a password to a certain database (which I still can't find due to the ultra neatness that I must maintain) I could even calmly and matter of factly wonder why it narrowly missed my spine. But then I remembered my life was at least worth almost $50,000.. The amount that I'll be in debt with if for any reason I can no longer work. At least my "healthiness" is still worth something huh? Though it also proves that I don't have the right to make any decisions, even for myself.

Instead of typing my favourite disclaimer here (the idea of which is getting a bit stale), let's just say, don't worry too much about me. I am, and will be able to pick myself up somehow. Can't help but be reminded of a childhood song that had the phrase.. "zi ji die dao, zi ji pa"

I'll be fine

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As an after-thought, I forgot to add that I received something that I've wanted through snail mail today. My very own maple leaf transported from Canada! Thank you, Yangzhong! (though I don't think you have this website..)

There you go, the maple leaf that made my morning

Perceptions

Time passed easily today, despite work today not being very much different from any other. In fact, I popped by Benjamin/Laura's room to get IP too. Despite Adrian's suggestion that I get work from partners, I guess I still prefer turning to familiar people, especially since I'm not in that department... yet.

Just as what I told Clarissa today, the trick to surviving work is to have something to look forward to. Nothing else mattered as much today because my main aim was to not stay back too late. And it gave me an excuse not to go for the what-I-deemed-awkward Thursday tea. It's not that I'm very close to the pupils and I really don't feel comfortable socialising for the sake of it. Yet, it's almost a weekly thing that the pupils will turn up unless they're busy, so... Anyway, I just gave the excuse that I had to leave on time today cause I had a dinner appointment, which was true in any case!

Met up with Shamini and Guoxing. I guess my worries yesterday was rather unfounded. It was good to meet up... though I guess I overdid my bubbliness to the point that I was over suaning Guoxing. Hmm.. but it really did felt good cause I could once again revert back to the Yaofang that I was and not by some other description. But things do change over the years... Just like I've changed drastically too. But there's no point in always looking back, cause I'll never learn to appreciate now, right? =)

Un-truthful-ness

Ever exactly sat down and think about how truthful you are?

These days, if I were Pinnochio, my nose length would have broken the world record.

Still remember my analogy about effervescence yesterday? It's like.. not wanting to open the stopper so that external atmosphere will not enter and contaminate the reaction.

Is it because reality, or rather, societal life is harsh? Or am I just afraid to lean?

Or perhaps just as what I type in my nick.. that I'm just bordering upon being extra so I'm afraid to breach that line?

Yesterday afternoon, I suddenly thought of turning to "insecticide".. (Those in the know.. you know what I mean.. those who don't.. please don't be overly smart and really think of the canned chemical yahz?) But yet when insecticide appeared, whatever I wanted to complain just got stuck.

A bit stupid right? No wonder some "idiot" used that word 3 times in 3 consecutive smses.. Haha.. Seriously though, too much faking just results in super numbness to a certain point where I wonder if I would still feel pain if a knife stabbed through (which of course I'm not THAT dumb to do so..)

No wonder my mum said I used to cry a lot when I was a little kid (Though I must add, proudly I must say, that I never cried when I was sent to school! Yes, even on first days!) Cause these days, I just really feel really borrowing someone's shoulders but I just couldn't think of any...

Feeling apprehensive about meeting friends I was once closed to tomorrow.. Will it be another case of 皮笑肉不笑?

Argh... what's wrong with me? It's the new year... Come on.. be cheery CHEERY CHEERY!

A simple gesture means a lot

Was feeling gloomy ever since pupillage resumed. And the gloom worsen over the course of late last week due to some action of a certain person. Granted, I won't be staying. Granted, I am thankful that you took me in. But still, simple things do hurt and affect my opinion. Perhaps that was the catalyst that drove me to react. Yet, just like effervescence occuring in a sealed test tube, that pressure is perhaps a tad difficult to bear.

And so, to ease the pressure, the simplest thing is to remove the cork.. even if it is a slight removal.

I don't know why I choose to tell the person I told today. But I think meeting up with part of the PA people was good, cause the short few minutes of partial confiding actually eased the pressure significantly.. before anything became too hard to bear..

Shall upload the photo another day when I'm less tired..

(Photo uploaded 7/1/2006)

But what significantly brightened up the night and probably the week was a super belated New Year cum Christmas cum birthday card. And I bet the 'idiot' who sent it did so after he received the Christmas card I sent. And he probably forgot my surname too. And he had the cheek to refer to me as "irritating brat" or say that I don't look "the least bit as loving and kind" as the teddy bear in the card. But all that doesn't matter. Even more so when I took a good look at the front of the card which the word "granddaughter" printed on it.

一张普通却意外的卡片, 写满着讽刺却隐藏着关怀, 这就是我收到最棒的礼物, 也是令我最开心的惊喜. 谢谢你, 我亲爱的朋友!

Thank you really, grandfather. It's been years since we've last written postcards and stuff to each other. Yet, one look at the envelope and I knew the super red card was from you. As I read the card, the vague familarity of certain phrases just brought back a flood of memories. I kept saying I miss uniformed school these few days. But what I truly miss is the days of being surrounded by all my dearest friends. Thank you, for bringing back the warmth just when I'm feeling cold. Thank you, Guoxing!

ReVeRiEz on UnCeRtAiNTiEs

Shall start off with better news first. I've cleared my work. Right now, I'm just waiting and waiting to see PL whilst having way too much free time on my hands.

And of course, since I've so much free time, the most normal thing to do is to let my mind wander. Too much free time also allows people to think way too much. To the extent that I'm beginning to have the same thoughts I had approximately 2 weeks ago. Seriously, I really don't know why my perceptions have changed. And it's all a matter of a few months!

Then again, there are certain other things that've changed over the years too. Not that it has totally changed, else I wouldn't be bugged by it right? Can't help but conclude that sometimes, there's no point in over-planning. What's meant to be will be. Why waste so much effort right?

ReVeRiEz on ThE eFFeCts oF TiMe

Can't help but be in the reflective mood again.. Maybe it's the night, or the songs that I was listening to on my way home, or maybe it's just the end of the year again.

These few days, I've been having really weird dreams. It's been half a year since I've graduated from NUS, yet almost everyday, my dreams revolve around me still being in NUS.. either that, or the backdrop of my dreams were all NUS based. Such a familiar feeling. It wasn't too long ago that I would dream of classroom based dreams. How time flies..

Yesterday's dream was interesting. If dreams were a reflection of what goes on in my mind, I seriously have no idea how that dream came about. Or maybe I do. 2 friends from the same faculty were upset.. one said he was and the other just showed it. And I was more worried for the latter. Perhaps that was just a reflection, an indication of real life too, for certain friendships just get more bland along the way..

Read a certain Mr Chan's blog.. He had this quiz that allowed one to reflect on the year that is about to end. And then, there was a certain Mr Tan's nick on MSN that posed a question somewhat to the effect of whether you would change anything if you could turn back time (ehz.. I really can't remember clearly, so if you are reading this, don't blame me if I remembered, wrongly, k, Mr Randall?)

Those who've had read my previous blog (if you haven't and don't know the blog address, hey, that's YOUR problem, not mine.. haha) would know that quite a few events in the previous year made me decide that being cold was the way to be. Compared to the time when I forced myself to be less emotional just because of a comment Jini made before I entered law school, these events were so much better at changing me. At least in my own opinion, I thought I had become a lot colder and numb-er, or so I think.. Thankfully, some things still keep me slightly likeable.. But you know how fried ice-cream is hot on the outside but really cool on the inside? I guess I'm just the opposite.. Cold on the outside but warmer inside.. That is, if I bother to stop being cold..

Speaking of which, I was really thrilled when I got home and saw 2 personal Christmas cards. It's not the number of cards that matter, but the contents and the people who sent it. Thanks Daniel! I'm so sorry I was way too tired to write you a card, but don't worry, I'll send you another card soon! And don't worry, I'm sure ALL of us would remember to meet up in May/June.. Even if you are busy, we can still turn up at your place since you've just given us your address, RIGHT? hahaha...

The other card came from Qiuyan. 10 years. That's how long since I've first known and last seen her. As she aptly pointed out, it's so wonderful to know that somewhere out in the world, there's always another friend.. even if you don't meet up. Reminds me of kor and Guowen too. Net friends of 10 years. Still remembered I knew kor from the S-league chat room when S-league first started.. That's where I knew Johnson too.. As for Guowen, it was a really weird way to start of a net friendship that has since sprawned a decade. I think we've only chatted once before he mailed me a Christmas card. Still have that card till now. Hmm.. wonder how he's been now.. and wonder when he'll see the Christmas card I sent, as per our usual habit each Christmas..

Although people do grow up and things become different, certain things will always remain the same in some tiny corner in your heart. Maybe that's what makes me still so childish a person. Whatever the case, let's hope that the friendship that I treasure most will not be eroded along with time...

Note: The certain Mr Radio just put up his sub-nick again just for me (or so he says) though I think it's more likely that he just wants me to put up his sub-nick correctly. Anyway, it's supposed to be "if you could rewind your time, would you change your life" It's not that much different from what I remembered, right? =p

ReVeRieZ on SoMe BoLiaOz PeRsOnaLiTy TeSts

Saw the link on my sister's blog, so since I'm still waiting for my hair to dry and not wanting to use my brain, I decided to try it...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

That was rather accurate I must say... or at least that's what I think

[30 Dec 2005: Now that I look at it.. it's not that accurate either. For eg. the part about never breaking a commitment.. NEVER is a bit too extreme.. and I can think of commitments that I would break already.. Hmm...]

ReVeRiEz on I dUn NeEd LiGhTsTiCkS!

Haha.. to those in the know.. sorry, I just had to make that comment which's targetted at one particular non-reader of this blog, or so I assume..

Anyway, since I'm still as free as ever now, I just have to type this..

Thank you to all those who smsed!! I feel so loved!! Really..

Who cares if no one celebrates your birthday with you? It's all a matter of perspective.. With everyone so busy, a simple sms will do just as fine.. Or maybe I'm just easy to please.. but I'm in an extra cheery mood today =)

Oh, and you know what? I've already received my best birthday presents.. and that's having and keeping all my friends.. =) Thank you!!!!!!! =)

ReVeRieZ on GrOwInG uP

Just couldn't help but point out that time passes really quickly. It seems just like yesterday when I had to deal with a bunch of really noisy kids. And today, one of the noisier bunch of them have officially graduated. Whether they'll go on to Sec 5, or that they'll be proceeding along the ITE path, I'm still super proud of them. Really.. =)

ReVeRiEz on WaTeR DrOpLeTs..

This is getting pretty bad. I think I'm on the verge of sinking into a bout of depression again.
Don't know why I just suddenly want to borrow a shoulder for 10 seconds... 10 seconds will be enough.. I think..
Really like MayDay's latest song's lyrics.. 才发现 笑着哭 最痛

ReVeRiEz on ThE ThiRd dAy oF PuPiLLaGe..

This seriously reminds me of a Christmas carol.. Must be due to the Christmas trivia questions I compiled yesterday at work, just for our Christmas function next week..
Somehow I think if not for the need to finish pupillage in time for mass call, or rather, the fact that I want my license, I would probably do enough to get myself fired.. Ok lahz.. not fired, more of getting myself into trouble. Perhaps the motivation and the love and zest for work has left me.. so that I couldn't be bothered less about proving myself.. Afterall, there's nothing much you can prove when you have hardly anything to do other than waiting and waiting, right?
3rd day back at work and 2nd day of pondering whether coming over here was a bad move. Or rather, whether I would want to, have the guts to seek greener pastures elsewhere. Or will these greener pastures eventually turn out to be yellowish grasslands instead? I mean, the grass always seems greener elsewhere, but when you are at it, it's no longer as green.
Why do I admire my pupil master so much? Is it really because of his style? Or is merely because he's an extremely nice pupil master, especially after having to deal with male and female bitches (I know male dogs are not bitches.. but... basically that's how you would describe some guys) Or perhaps it's just cause he's my pupil master?
Frankly, I don't know exactly. As I look back and review, I really can't help but notice that Adrian makes a much better pupil master (not that he can be a pupil master though) or even Mr Marini.. All the things I've learnt from my attachments at the smaller firms add up to a whole lot more than what I've learnt here. I guess... big firms and small ones have their own advantages.. Big firms tend to give you more perks... Yet, small firms throw you into the deep end, so that you have to learn to swim faster, else you sink..
I seriously think I've a self-torturing streak in me, considering that I actually prefer working than having nothing much to do. But that's where you learn too, right?
Class chalet tomorrow.. Supposed to help buy food... I seriously hope I can get up or at least not die of tiredness... =)

ReVeRiEz on WaY tOo MuCh TiMe On HaNd

2nd day back at work.. Things have become slightly better, at least I didn't have to stone for the entire day. But... I guess it's just me being biased and ungrateful.

I guess my mum was right when she suddenly mentioned about me hating a lack of work. True. Whenever I've way too much time at work, it just makes me less motivated to work.. Like, going to work is such a drag, cause I'll just be stoning when everyone else is working.. and yet, I have to pretend that I am busy doing work..

Zapped the pupillage checklist for my pupil master today. As I was glancing through the list, I realised that I learnt little of what is stated in the checklist. Coupled with hearing how others are faring in other firms, I just can't help but wonder again. And I can't help recalling that Vincent had told me the other time when I asked for his help in getting me another pupillage position, that I should avoid changing my pupil master too often. I can't imagine what he would say if he hears of me jumping ship. Tell him first, cause he got me the position, and it'll seem like I'm telling on the firm. Tell the firm, and I'll be equally disrespectful by not informing him before hand. Not only that, but I'm quite sure I don't know how to face my pupil master either. But... I do not have as much time as the rest to learn. Like what Peng Fong said... my learning curve has to be steeper than the rest. If I continue to stay here for my pupillage, I'll only be putting myself at a disadvantage. I guess it's very much like having a ticking countdown timer.. the short amount of time I have to learn is getting shorter and shorter as I type this.. And having "not wanting to 对不起 老板, pupil master, Mr Lek etc etc" doesn't count very much as suitably not-lame reasons for staying right?

I guess staying committed to something is simply not my cup of tea.. Over forcing myself to be cheery and bubbly just plunges me into deeper gloom once I'm out of the act.. I'll snap out of it once I leave for work again tomorrow.. Just make sure I don't walk towards Caltex House and beyond again tomorrow, like what I did today. UOB and Caltex House.. that's like 2 opposite directions. Trust me to do such nonsense unwittingly.. Haha...

On an even lighter note.. I haven't seen a certain Mr Chai online for quite a while. Wonder if my really ex worldwide speed post has reached him. Otherwise, I'll want to strangle SingPost. Afterall, I don't use worldwide speed post for the sake of burning money, do I?

ReVeRiEz on FiRsT DaY bAcK fOr PuPiLLaGe

Just got back from KL yesterday night. The trip was fine. Loads of walking. I'm even impressed that I actually had the guts to go up Batu Caves, considering my severe fear of heights. But, having spent RM50 on that day trip.. obviously I wasn't going to let that money go to waste. Haha.. I do believe I have a self-torturing streak in me.. haha...

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Back for pupillage today. After months of looking forward to being back, I really don't understand why the gloom that I really can't get rid off.

Perhaps I'm just another spoilt brat. When I saw the schedule today, I really don't understand why the gloom just crept in. It's not that I dislike Real Estate... but I just don't understand why the 1 month stinct there. And another at IP, then banking and Corp Fin. It's actually a very well spread out schedule. It's just that.. there's no more Liti, I guess.. Not that I should complain. Paul had to redo the whole schedule for the pupils just to fit me in, so whatever schedule I get, I don't have a right to complain, simply because they've already been super nice to accomodate me for the pupillage (I know Weiling said I shouldn't think about it that way, since I'm doing work too.. but I just can't.. Perhaps it's just inferior complex.. Despite hating some guy for sort of implying that I got in cause of contacts, the fact is, I really did! I really can't get rid of the thought that I didn't get in on my own accord. Stupid thought, but yes, that's me..) And, I mean, the others actually had a nice schedule before Paul had to redo this and I heard one guy being unhappy with the Schedule... only that... none actually realised why the schedule was tweaked.. so basically, I really don't have any right to be upset, right?

But.. everyone else will be staying, so even if they don't get to stay in the department they like for a longer while during pupillage, the fact is, they would still get to be where they want when they start practising.. For me, even if I'm going to practise, I'm not going to stay in the firm.. so pupillage is the only chance I get to learn from the pupil master I admire a lot. It's like.. I recalled Peng Fong actually mentioning before that I should follow my pupil master for at least one case.. from the start... and I actually said I'll ask my pupil master when I come back again for pupillage.. Yet, I don't think I'll have a chance to do that... considering that I don't even know whether I'll ever practise... Besides, that one month in Liti will not be sufficient for me to survive if I were to attempt to practise elsewhere. In fact, when Weiling was talking about her work today.. I don't know why, but I just felt so envious.

I sound totally like a spoilt brat now.. Just like some other schoolmates who whine and whine about doing work that they don't like, that they think is not useful. Frankly, it's not that I don't like my postings... they are great.. or maybe I just had too much time in my hands to let gloom envelope me today... There was absolutely nothing to do all the way till 6pm.. for that matter, work came in only at 6pm... and it's more or less done... so I'm still wondering what I'll do to rot tomorrow morning.. I had the sudden thought of changing firms today... just so that I can learn more elsewhere... but the memory that I got in here THROUGH contacts (and so, I can't really change at will) and the thought that I still wanted my pupil master as my pupil master reminded me of my foolishness..

Perhaps it's just the tiredness that's making me down.. It was the same feeling when Paul briefed us about the firm's retention policy today. Somehow, the weird me just felt weird again.. like.. I wasn't supposed to be there... especially when I know I'm not going to stay on, no matter what.. Couldn't help but notice that Paul said the firm would try its best to retain all 11 pupils.. that number would have included me... but the problem is... I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.. they've already been way too nice to take me in.. there is no way, no reason whatsoever to keep someone who didn't even get in through the interviews... much as I tried not to be a pupil that my pupil master would be ashamed to have.. somehow, I still think I'm the worst pupil in the firm... And despite this niceness on their part, I'm still feeling gloomy today.. what an ungrateful brat.. I need to SNAP OUT OF IT NOW!!

Interestingly, typing this entire incoherent entry actually made me feel so much better.. With a smile etched on my face, tomorrow will be a better day.

ReVeRiEz on PaNiC AtTaCk!

This IS bad.. My severe panic attack strikes again and I simply can't calm myself down. I can even feel my heart racing at unknown heartbeats per second, and the panic is just making it difficult to concentrate.. What's wrong with me?
Somehow, MSN is both a boon and a bane.. Good in the sense that it provides some form of distraction when I need a break from absorbing, and chatting with some calms be down.. Yet, on the other hand, the speed at how most people seem to be progressing is severely stressing me out, I think..
I'll be fine.. I'll be fine... I'll be fine... ermz.. right?

ReVeRiEz on A CoLd TuEsDaY

It's a bit hard not to notice that the rainy season is here again. Funny, has it been a while since it rained so hard during the rainy season? These few days, I seem to have the uncanny feeling that I've felt this before many many years ago, yet, that sense of familarity, I simply couldn't grasp why. It was just a feeling of coolness with a tinge of helplessness and deja vu... and I can't even put my finger to when I last felt this.. It's just... a long while ago, I think..

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The weather is so cold today, I really didn't want to get up. This is really bad, considering that the exams start next Monday and I'm no where finishing my revision for my first paper. Has my attention span got so much worse? Or have I always been like that? To make matters worse, my panic attacks have started popping up, and I can't study when I'm panicking... gosh.. Anyone wants to suggest anywhere for me to study in? (Weiguang's idea of studying in the Science library is so not practical.. I'll feel so out of place there!!! But truly, I think a change of environment to study in would do me a bit of good.. I think)
How how how?? Would I survive PLC at all????? Argh....

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Updated: To Daniel's suggestion that I cane myself when I don't study.. NOT BAD!! But I'll look like a badly abused kid at the end of my exams... and who's fault is that? =p
Further updated: This is really boliaoz.. but..

DaNtAw says:u study hard ah.. and i will reward u a sweet next time..
ReVeRiEzz "I'm COLD!!! Brrrr..." says: i want a CUTE sweet, can?
DaNtAw says: of course!!

Haha... Daniel owes me a CUTE sweet now.. haha.. =) Somehow, I think Daniel regrets this already.. Haha

ReVeRiEz on TiMe

I must be a nocturnal animal in a human shell.. Somehow, I just don't seem to study well in the day. Anyway, was clearing my 'My Received Files' folder, and chanced upon some photos that I haven't seen in a long long while

That was VSA camp 2003, the first time that we (ie. me, Qi and GK) participated in the camp. I started off being highly apprehensive.. me? looking after the disabled? But things wasn't as bad as I thought. In fact, my group was one of the easiest to handle.. The most well behaved. And the volunteers from that camp seemed to be closer, at least in my opinion.

And then, VSA camp 2004 came and went. Vicknesh had school and so, the rather lousy camp coordinates switched my group approximately 2.5 hours before we were supposed to turn up. Somehow, June ought be quite rather honoured.. My memories of the camp was mainly me and Weishi shouting at her for god knows how long.. or Qi Guang for that matter, for his lack of manners to those who were nicer to him (ie. Roy) Over-protective of my fellow group volunteer? or just plainly more bad-tempered? I don't know. But the camp did made me lose utter respect for some supposedly in authority figure, I suppose..

Thanks to the 2003 camp, some of us volunteers remained in touch. Though we started off having absolutely nothing to say at our birthday gatherings.. I guess it's better now, as compared to Daniel's 1st birthday celebration, though I wonder why we're always meeting up for someone's birthday. Luckily, our birthdays are at least spread-out a little, so we still get to meet at different times in the year (though I realised.. aside from Gary whose birthday is in January, none of us have birthdays in the first half of the year.. Daniel's birthday is also much closer to the second half of the year too)

This year's VSA camp, I doubt any of us would be taking part. Wonder how the camp would be like this year, and whether Benson is going again.. In any case, even though these camps and other voluntary stuff may have been tedious, it's all part of my growing up. (Can't help but be reminded of Yunxiang and Shixiang.. wonder how they are now.. )

Just like tuition. Last year, it was Karen. This year, Darryl's graduating (or rather, he's finished his O levels by now). Didn't exactly get a chance to get anything for Darryl, since his mum cancelled the last tuition (which also means I've to sms her for my pay.. something which I dislike doing) Four years already, time flies doesn't it?

This time next year.. What would I be doing? What would I be thinking about?

One thing for sure... I'll still be in the process of growing up.. and getting more reticient (however it's spelt) .. and perhaps in Calvin's words.. mysterious (am I? hahahah....)

Disclaimer (it's been a long while since I've resorted to this huh?): In case you are wondering why these posts sound sian, yah lahz.. I admit I'm feeling gloomy and perhaps a tad irritable lately.. and my various means of external stimulus can only get me chirpier for a short while.. I'll be fine in a short while.. I'm sure =)

Updated on 22nd Nov: Just for the sake of completeness, according to my highly reliable source(aka Gary) there won't be any need for volunteers this year. Ah well.. who cares?

ReVeRiEz on On-ThE-JoB TrAiNiNg

A bit tired of studying (okiez.. I agree I'm permanently tired of studying, but that's not the point).. Anyway, as I was saying.. I'm just way too sianz of doing notes (at least that was what I did the whole of yesterday, well almost) so I shall slack a little while more.

Just got back from on-the-job training.. It's been a long while since I could feel for people, I think, yet somehow, today's short little OTJ just made me feel more human, less cold. It's been a long long time since I've done any volunteer work, even the last VSA camp was almost a year ago. But VSA camp, with all the scoldings (aimed at some uncooperative campers) and being pissed off (esp by the lousy-at least-in-my-humble-opinion social worker) didn't help me find the compassion that I once had..

Must be the lack of rest and the do-i-have-a-home syndrome acting up again. Else, how could I actually feel for others?

Photos from Last Edu-dine!

Since Clarissa has just sent me the photos, I thought I would just upload them.

With Beatrice

With Clarissa

ReVeRiEz on My pErFeCt FrIeNdS

Even if I do not have a very decent family atmosphere, I still think I'm one of the luckiest persons on earth.. You know why?

Cause I have the MOST perfect friends in the world!

And you know what?

I LOVE my friends!

Even if I have to power to change, I'll never want to be someone else, even if it means I would shed less tears in a place where most people feel safe in. Simply because, I feel like the luckiest person on earth to have these people as my friends. Where else can you find friends who allow you to be the brattiest (of there's such a word) of brats all the time?

* * * * * * * *

Calvin, thanks for borrowing 7.2kg worth of books and lugging them all the way to my lift door! You know, even my dad wouldn't do that for me.. In fact I'll be thankful if I'm not the one who's supposed to carry those heavy stuff instead.. And you could have gone home directly too, then you wouldn't have to walk in the rain when you had your laptop with you.. I mean, lugging those books cannot be more important as compared to you not falling sick during exams (touch wood) and protecting your laptop.. 谢谢!

On the same note, Koon, thanks for obliging me with those books, and all the way to Chinatown too. Chinatown Point is not far from subordinate courts, and it's awfully near if you were to compare Chinatown to NUS, Chinatown to Yishun or Chinatown to Town area. You know, even though the 'Gan ma' label has stuck on since JC, you've always behaved so much more like a Da Ge that I've always wished I had, catering to all my unreasonable behaviour and taking them with a pinch of salt, to the point that... I think you're one of the causes of me being a brat lohz.. *points finger at you* But seriously, by the looks of it, I think I'll never be able to finish paying off all the 人情债 I owe you by the end of this lifetime lohz... so you have to think twice about being nice, or you better start demanding favours from me yahz?

okok.. these two paragraphs look weird here.. but, I doubt I'll say such things in real life.. weird lahz... anyway, I think I need to stop, else my eyes will start brimming with tears.. disgustingly over-emotional, I must agree.. How else would Jini once comment that I'm not cut out for law? haha..

ReVeRiEz oN iT'S tHe CoMpAnY yOu HaVe tHaT mAtTeRs

Really couldn't help but be reminded of a particular scene some TCS drama 7 years ago where Ann Kok's character made a really apt statement about how one's company mattered more than the surrounding circumstances.

So often, each of us can have different reaction to the same thing done by a different person.. Just as being in the company of different people invoke different reactions.

Met up with Alicia and Itak today. Not that we did much different either... just food and walking around.. and there were periods of silences too. But unlike in many other occasions, silence did not equate with awkwardness. It was just a feeling of comfortable silence and that's it.

Interestingly, I realised that it wasn't too difficult disclosing more matters than what I normally would too. Don't know why, but at that moment, I couldn't help but compare how different it was with another supposedly close friend. Itak da ge was simply very much like a da ge I could trust.. and I could just speak my mind freely and matter-of-factly, without worrying that whatever I had uttered would turn into a weapon used to hurt me later on.

Really couldn't help but recall what popped into my mind again not too long ago. It seems that as time flies pass, the friends that I treasure most are still those I've met before Uni.. (okiez.. with the exception of a really small tiny minority) They're the ones who can still brighten my day just by their presence even on the gloomiest days. They're the ones who I would be willing to do anything for, just as many of them have become my pillars of support over the years. And I'll always be indebted to them, for providing their rays of sunshine..

ReVeRiEz on cOnFiDaNtEs..

Somehow the spelling looks weird, but in any case, what matters is that I understand what I'm typing right?

Whilst typing this entry I'm actually chatting with a friend on a separate window. This kind of night, this kind of weather coupled with being able to chat with a trusted friend, or rather confiding in the friend and letting out some pent-up stress within... it just feels very comfortable and relaxing.. so much so that I don't want to sleep at all

Can't help but be reminded of Itak and for that matter, Darmaji.. It's been years since I chatted with them on the phone or through sms through the night.. In fact, I think they're the only ones whom I've actually used a phone to chat with in the wee hours of the morning, in the dark study room, hidden somewhere amongst my tables.. or if it's sms... I'll be lying on my pillow and smsing away..

And whilst typing this, my runaway imagination is beginning to dream of sitting back to back with a close friend and just talk...... just like JC days perhaps...

I love the night... cause it makes the insecure me most secure.. especially with the cool weather... (but don't ask me why much as I love the night, I'm also scared of the night... I'm just plain contradictory huh?)

How much do I trust people? I really don't know.. Still remembered Kok Sing and his naggy backlash theory. Why do I feel more comfortable talking about my thoughts when I don't see the other party? And even so, why do I still not type/write everything? Hmm..

Still.. the feeling tonight is just very comfortable. something I haven't felt in a long long long time.. Perhaps I'll just savour and quit analysing yahz?

And of course, considering that I still don't feel comfortable showing emotions to people.. Thank you, the unfortunate friend whom I've been chatting with.. it really feels very dreamily nice today.. truly.. =)

ReVeRiEz on A mIxEd pLeThOrA oF tHiNgS

Somehow, my titles are getting lamer and lamer. Sooner or later, I'll be forced to abandon my theme (in case no one has ever noticed, it's 'ReVeRiEz on -----')

********

CDR today.

It's high time I put a stop to my paranoid nature. It's just a 10-15 minutes CDR and there wasn't much to prepare. So why on earth did I turn cold at the thought of it? And it's not the first time this week either. On Monday, I freaked myself out too, at the thought of temp-ing as an admin staff in Legal. It's not like I've never worked there before. Besides it was just a 3 day temp job! What's wrong with me??

Anyway, CDR was... fun? Not much was done today. It was more of a mini lecture on how a CDR is carried out, with us taking a minor role in the simulated programme today. I love the part about refusing to budge from a particular position and telling the judge that one had tried hard at persuading the client before getting to that figure. Mental note: must be more firm!

Not that I would have much chance to do that either. I don't even know where I will be, what I will be doing this time next year. Except that I won't be staying on after pupillage, that is. No matter how I've tried, I just can't get rid of the feeling that I am leeching on them, and my pupil master just because of Income. I didn't get in on my own accord, and that makes me feel inferior, even to a certain Mr Sunil. A case of thinking to much, right? Much as I truly absolutely admire my pupil master, I really do not want to be a burdensome leech. Then again, what I think now may not be what the situation is then. Just like me not wanting to do pupillage at Rodyk because of Income, yet after everything, I'm back at square 1 again. Hmm...

********

The two days temp (at least for now) were quite fine actually. Once again, it was just paranoid me thinking too much and freaking myself out on Monday. Still don't understand why Vincent wanted an extra staff just because Han was on leave. I mean, it's not like they really needed another admin stuff other than Irene. A mental count of the amount of admin work done in 2 days came up to less than 10 tasks, each being less than 5 minutes (or somewhere around there). The rest of the time was spent doing legal stuff for Vincent. And he already has 3 interns (and he's the mentor of one of the interns)!! But the presence of interns do stress me out a bit. Somehow, I think they're brilliant (even the two Temasek poly gals) and Christina is even better. I feel quite dumb now, and I'm supposed to be their scholar right? Sigh.. who ever has heard of a dumb scholar??

********

Ok, I really really can't help not typing this. Dip Sing guys are so nice!!!! Okiez, enough of the emphasis, but they really ARE very nice, as compared to so many other guys I know. Was in the lift today when my Plaintiff mentioned that he preferred Suntec to Raffles Place, and I merely 'complained' that I preferred Raffles Place instead, simply because I didn't have to walk through such longer distance. And then, my Plaintiff (okiez.. I think I need to stop calling my Plaintiff as Plaintiff.. haah) simply offered to give me a lift to the station!! Nice right? Just like the other day when Yinghuan, Rongxuan and I needed to get to Supreme court and couldn't get a cab. I started walking back towards Subcourts, hoping that there might be some empty ones there else we would be late! Then, I saw Kum Fu (correct spelling? Hmm... ) walking out of Subordinate Courts and since he's in the same tutorial class, which meant we were equally unlucky to be down for the dumb Legal Technology Workshop (which should be more aptly renamed as Hard Sale of Legal Tech Session), I merely asked if he wanted to go with us. And he simply replied that he has a car and offerred a lift!

okiez.. in my mum's words, I'm so easily pleased.. but still, I don't really see such behaviour in the guys I know, really! I'll be glad if I didn't have to play big sister to some, or tolerate some others' behaviour.. Wonder if it's just me, or in another friend's words 'What did NUS do to the guys?' Hmm....

********

And finally, had a weird dream this afternoon. Okiez, I shall correct that a little. The dream was not weird per se, but the rational analysis of why I had the dream made it weird. For one, one main character in my dream was someone I had not been in contact with in a long long while. And it's the 2nd time in a matter of one month, I supposed, that this person appeared in my dream. Weird right? Haha, but even when I'm asleep, I'm still partially alert. There was one scene when my sis told me the person was in the Police force, and my first reaction, at least in the dream was, this person took up a Navy scholarship, so why the Police force? Later when I got up, I 'discovered' more discrepancies.. something to the point of the birthday mentioned should not be correct.

And no.. I'm not weird in analysing my dream! It's just that.. I really can't understand why the dream. Hmm...

Wonder if I'll see that senior of mine anytime in future. Irregardlessly (is there such a word? Hmm..) that senior will always be a senior that I look up to..

ReVeRiEz on AtTaChMeNt

Before I rush off for my CPCM review session, I shall type some quick reflections for the past few days..

And just in case, nopez.. this does not have anything to do with job attachment per se, but emotionally attachment.

Not that there has been many things happening lately, but small, insignificant events are usually those that have the greatest impact. For one, I realised a friend whom I used to believe was a close friend was no longer as important a friend to me. And of course, I was reminded about how much certain group/category of people meant to me.

Time really does flies. It's already been 2 years since I've known them. From the little kids they were, to the still as lively as ever soon-to-be secondary school graduants, their smiles and tears have all left a deep impression in me. Perhaps what I type makes me sound awfully old, you know, like the mother hen and little chick game where I used to play in primary school, but no matter how physically/emotionally tired I get, just watching them makes everything feel better. And it doesn't matter whether they understand or appreciate it, just watching them grow up (and for some, change) stronger, happily, through the years is good enough.. And soon, they'll each be pursuing their own goals in life.

Do hope they'll do well for their exams next week.. really..

Good luck 4A, 4B, 4D! It's been my pleasure to have known and grow up with you over the years. You've taught me a lot more than I can learn anywhere else, and have given me a lot more happiness (not to mention anger too, at times) in the process. I'll really miss being with all of you at one single time

4D... one of my favourite classes

4A and 4B

The boys from 4A

Nicky, one of the group of 3 who was most interested in his work

And here's Jeremy, one of the most soft spoken boys in his class.

Some of the girls from 4A

A photo with 4A

This doesn't sound too good, does it? Haha....

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

ReVeRiEz on LaNtErN!

In a good mood now, because I've got a lantern!!!!!

Me and my Lantern!

Met up with Gek Koon today to pass him the turtle mooncakes (or is it moon biscuits?) Had lunch at Far East and sat there chatting.. It's been a long while since I'm there on a school day. Saw a lot of RGS girls, and that does bring back a teeny weeny bit of memories!

And then.. at the train station whilst I was waiting for the train, I decided to look at how many VCDs there were for that particular show that Koon passed to me.. and lo and behold! I saw the lantern! To think that I had merely put up my request to have a lantern on msn over the weekends! I didn't expect anyone to have taken me seriously! =) and so, I've a lantern now!

Ok, thankfully I was in a good mood plus I was actually a bit tired (I was actually nodding off during the family law tutorial and I think the tutor noticed it..) such that when the train jerked and I fell and accidentally stepped on some bitch on the train and that bitch actually gave me a slap on the arm... I didn't react. Hey, I've already apologised to that bitch before that... thankfully I was calm. Otherwise, come to think of it now, I should have said.. 'what's your problem, you dead 38?' Totally ah-lian behaviour, but who cares. I hate middle aged bitches anyway. Come to think of it.. I sure her toe nails are blue black today. Hahaha.. I'm evil, but who cares...

ReVeRiEz on sTuPiD bLoGsPoT..

The title wasn't meant to be this at first, but sigh... I pressed one button and everything I had typed earlier disappeared! Oh well..

As I was saying..

Ms Too called this morning!! Apparently, she was in the other day. The security guard pointed me to the WRONG doorbell! They had already moved to another building within the compound. It was a case of so near yet so far. Or perhaps what people would say 'fate'! What to do? all i can say is... argh... SECURITY GUARDDS!!

Met Tingting for lunch this afternoon. She's so much different from when she was in Legal, or for that matter Internal Audit (I think). She was so stressed then, but less so now. And she's going on a company paid trip to Japan for some conference! I am so envious!

Hmm.. but all these just reminded me of my own 'decision'.. just a few more months at Rodyk and I won't be working there anymore (not that I am now.. haha) I guess I really do like the environment there, but I guess the Income-link still creates some complication, at least for me. Oh well, things will turn out fine somehow, so no point worrying, right?

One of my dear friends has been fanatically putting up loads and loads of her photos, making me tempted too! Good thing I'm using my sis's laptop now and not my actual computer with scanner attached. Oh well, but I guess I'll join in the photo-fanatic and put it up someday.. when I'm done with my MoA and CPCM, can? (Anyone who sees me online, please do ask if I've finished my work and if I've not, kick me away!!) Word of warning though.. I look super tooot when I was younger (not that I'm not toot now.. but... that's besides the point, k?) Besides.. ehz... someone never ask for my permission to put up a photo with me in it! Haha.. later I come after you then you know (but still.. the photo is not too bad, so.. I'll give you permission.. haha)

Think I'm getting a bit bonkers now, so I shall continue another day! =)

HaPpY ReVeRiEz

Actually, I'm not exactly happy .. happy lahz.. but still, it just feels good.

Received an sms from Karen today. It's been 9 months since I've last heard from her. Time really does fly and it's been 5 years already. I really can't imagine having taught her since sec 1, and now, she's in JC1. I guess same goes for Darryl. From the Sec 1 boy, he has grown to be the Sec 4 boy he is now.. Though still as mischievous at times.

ReVeRiEz on TeAcHeRs' DaY

Somehow, I seem to be blogging whenever my brain starts going on strike.. and it seems like I won't get much tutorial done by tonight with that throbbing of my head..

Woke up later than I had planned. Was supposed to keep Gek Joo company when she amends her call papers. That, after I've done with popping by at the building which is the revised version of what was supposed to be my primary school. Somehow, with terrorism and stuff going on around the world, security everywhere is getting hilarious. This is best summarised by a group of RGS girls I overheard 'Do we look like terrorists? Fine, my school bag looks like it'll contain bombs'

Yes, the day started off with me arguing with a STUPID security guard. Okiez, let me qualify that. I've absolutely no problems with the tighter security, but at least employ a decent security guard, can?

SG: Where are you going?
Me: The General Office?
SG: Why are you going to the General Office?
Me: Cause the sign beside you says 'Visitors please proceed to the General Office'?
SG: ok, so why are you going to the General Office?
Me: Because of the sign? Have you seen the sign?
SG: you can't wander around the school, you know? Where are you from?
Me: I'm an ex-student
SG: You can't wander around. You want to look for teachers, you look from there
*points at the canteen filled with students ONLY*
Me: ok, I'll leave my stuff with the office then. Can I exchange my pass for a Visitor Pass?
SG: No need pass, no need pass. You are only going to leave things at the General Office. Don't need to change pass. Very fast.
Me: But can I change? I might see a teacher and start talking
SG: You are only going General Office. Very fast one. No need to change lahz.
Me: BUT CAN I CHANGE?

and that 'conversation' went on for 5-10 minutes, at the end of which.. I was on the verge of strangling the STUPID guard who couldn't read the sign beside him, and thought that I wouldn't be able to figure out where to sign in his record book. It really didn't help that I was still feeling ultra sleepy and was in a rush. And in case you are wondering (just as my sis and mum did) he's NOT old (unless you count 30++ old, of course)

Minus the irritating security guard incident (and he was the only security that got on my nerves today.. Hey, I was nice to everyone else, other than him of course) the day went somewhat well.

Mrs Lim seemed, as usual, glad to see me. Hmm.. but I can't help but wonder at a particular part of her conversation, which incidentally felt like a repeat of what I heard from others last Thurs, and which I was to hear again later. A topic that I (at least I think I did) broached a teeny weeny bit on yesterday.

Yes.. and in case you are wondering... it's the Merits of Getting Married.

Am I THAT old? Somehow people seem to enjoy telling me that I should start looking out for the right guy.. and what else? Mrs Lim went on about how it will seem nice and good now when I'm still young, but as I AGE, it'll be nice to have someone to share my problems, to help me solve my problems, to take care of me.. etcetc.. and the best part (which I'm totally amused about) was how I should start a relationship with both eyes open, but once in a marriage, keep both eyes closed..

Ignoring the last part, no doubt I do agree with her views, that is, when I was outside. The moment I step back here, I'll be pulled back into reality, that fairy tales hardly ever exist. Still, I don't deny that my mind did wander somewhere whilst she was talking, but nahz.. I don't think that's ever meant to be, or perhaps, I still am too insecure to want anything to be in the first place..

At least Ms Chua was slightly milder when broaching the same topic. But we did spend quite a bit of time admiring the cuteness of her son. Oh.. and a bit on Mr Tek's 3-week old son too!

Actually, I didn't exactly expected myself to drop by NJC today. Admittedly, I did buy stuff for Ms Chua and Mr Tek, but yet, I felt a bit awkward at turning up. Well, thanks to the speed of the 'smart' security (okok, I shall stop my streak of security guard abuse) and the 'wonderful' public transport system in Singapore, I would be late for class anyway, so I thought I would just hop on the first bus I saw (and that brought me to NJC) But, even though I wasn't planning to drop by NJC, Ms Chua and Mr Tek didn't have to talk quite a bit of JianPing right? Ehz.. he's not there, k? and if they want him to come back and teach, they can ask him themselves! Haha.. Surprisingly, Ms Chua still remembers the Teachers' Day gift that Mr Chai and I bought for her and she's still using the glass! Makes me can't help but wonder what happened to a similar glass we got for Mrs Khoo, the toy car for Mr Lee and more importantly, the umbrella which we drew on for Mrs Chiew!

When I was on the bus, I was still looking at my watch and wondering how I would kill 2.5hours before my lunch appointment. I thought my trip back to NJ would be over in at most 0.5hours, yet, in the end, it exceeded time. But it was great to be back in NJ, and weirdly enough, it felt more comfy than what I had felt at IJ.. oh well..

And then, it was down to NUS! Haven't been back for a month plus and it sure feels really long. For one, the engine canteen felt a lot brighter. And the stalls more attractive. Not that I went there very often either. But sufficient for me to note a difference, I guess. Still, what's more important was that the lunch company was great, and that's what matters, right? (at this point, I can't help but be reminded of a scene from some TCS drama, Piano 88 many many years ago) Just suddenly realised, I can't even remember when was the last time I had lunch with Derrick alone. Hmm... okiez lahz, but he's much more gentlemanly now and I was quite surprised that he offered to buy food..

Didn't get to see Dr Thinnapan nor Ms Too today. Left their card plus cookie in the pigeon hole and with the security guard respectively. Actually, I was a bit disappointed not to see Ms Too. Hey, I made the trip all the way to Chestnut Drive cause I thought it's been years since we've seen her and I don't think I'll get this much free time to travel everywhere this time next year. But it's ok.. I'm sure there'll always be other opportunities.

Jieying just smsed me a Teachers' Day sms. Feeling bad that I didn't especially dote on her or thought of her as my 'pet' when I was taking her batch for music. Can't help but jot me to reality that.. reciprocity does not always exist..

Before I end off.. I NEED TO HUNT FOR MDM KOK'S ADDRESS.. I'll seem super dumb if I sms her to ask for her address cause I simply can't find it right? And on that note, I'll be super grateful if anyone can give me Mrs Angelina Leong's mailing address..

** Mental note: I should have brought a camera! Then I can take photos with my teachers and lunch companion and put it up here! ARgh.... **

ReVeRiEz on rEaL LiFe

Sometimes, when you begin to day-dream (again), people around you will bring you back to reality and remind you of how you ended up with your philosophy.

Once again I've gone back to my withdraw-into-myself mode at home.

Sometimes, I wonder at how parents tend to pat themselves on their backs for being wonderful parents, without realising that what they see is not what they get. Oh well, everyone loves an illusion, I guess.

And not all kids fare badly either. They become street smart, and some are even super kids (whatever that term was supposed to denote for sociology)

In case you are wondering, I just got reminded (this afternoon) of my personal philosophy of why people should stay unattached.. Not too bad a reminder and a timely one, I suppose.

On a lighter note, Teachers' Day celebration tomorrow. To all the teachers I've respected (basically all my teachers other than a few black sheeps) and especially the following teachers:

1. Sister Pauline Too
2. Sister Joan Tay
3. Mrs Irene Goh
4. Mrs Lim Gam Hing
5. Mdm Kok Yoke Sim
6. Mrs Angelina Leong
7. Mrs Wong (my F&N teacher)
8. Mr Foo Wee Cheong
9. Mrs Christina Khoo
10. Mr Jimmy Lee
11. Mr Tek Yong Shoun

I'll just like to say a big "Happy Teachers' Day!" and of course, Thank you!

ReVeRiEz on sTuPiD gRaSsHoPpErS

okiez.. I supposed the adjective I used on the grasshopper isn't exactly accurate, considering

1. it managed to get my sis and I out of our bedroom, and made us sleep in the living room;
2. it is the main culprit hindering my sleep in the wee hours of the morning when it refused to get out of my bedroom despite me using all ingenious (ie. dumb) methods of chasing it away;
3. it's the main cause of me being up at 5+am in the morning, on a day when there's NO morning lectures and when I slept at 2+am, thanks to it (see above)

I guess I'm just plain irritable now, but I seriously do not understand why people enjoy looking at things from their own point of view. I mean, if my sis and I are able to fall asleep on the couch and still remain sound asleep, it can't be that uncomfortable right? Besides it's not like the person who woke me up doesn't use the couch either. I can't help but think that her main reason for getting me away from the couch was so that she could slack there as per her morning ritual. And being the stubborn girl that I am, I simply refuse to believe that my bedroom was a nicer place to be in, without me dealing with the irritating grasshopper (yes, once I'm much wider awake, I'll start emptying my room and hunt it down.. haha.. and hopefully, I'll be able to grant it a horrible death for all the trouble it had caused me.. Vengefulness in action, I supposed) as yet.. Thus my resolve to stay awake, surf the net, and do my 'most wonderful' PLC homework..

* * * * * * * *

Can't help but remember that I've just told someone a few hours ago about my laziness to update this. This goes to show that one show never jump into conclusions..

Somehow, I wonder if Blogger does have some sort of an internal censor. Despite the apparent lack of updates on my blog, I've actually posted an entry prior to this. Somehow or rather, all traces of the contents disappeared mysteriously, which brings me to conclude that Blogger simply didn't want me to make certain comments about my private life.

Then again, I am not sure if it would have been a good idea for that post to appear either. Lest those persons involve chanced upon it miraculously..

In the end, I guess I'm still not comfortable letting out certain stuff on such a public forum.

ReVeRiEz on CoMmEnCeMeNt

I truly wonder who on earth in NUS came up with the word 'Commencement'. It's so ulu that unless you're from NUS, it's almost impossible that you'll actually know what that actually means.

* * * * * * * *

I didn't expect to enjoy Commencement. Afterall, it was just another photo taking session, and then, I'll get to admire myself further when the photos are out. But I sure did, and it's all thanks to those whom I call friends.

Under normal circumstances, one would think that any graduation ceremony would be filled with photos with your fellow classmates. Yet, I seemed to have FEW photos with them and more with those who weren't from Law faculty. Not that I mind, even if some call it my 'contingent' or that I should 'set up a fan club'. It just feel really good to have the feeling of being doted upon (yes, I AM that self-centred, I guess). JianPing and later, Peiqi re-adjusted my gown, and the (finally I remembered its name) mortar board countless times and even though I casually complained that someone was being plain 'ngiau', still, it was a really really sweet feeling. Same goes for Koon coming down all the way from Yishun, when he could have decided not to (I agree another person who lives there that it is unreasonable to demand the person's presence since he lives in Yishun). Daniel came down too, even though I did not even ask him, just to bring Qi here (That was touching too.. as in, he came even though he wasn't asked to and he didn't even mentioned a word of me not inviting him). Derrick came with his friend Ian.. [incomplete]

* * * * * * * *

Note: This entry is incomplete for reasons of sheer laziness. It's been too long that I've forgotten what I wanted to continue with (18 Aug 2005)

With JianPing

Sandra! Sherwin! Radiah! Rizal!

With the nicest to bully Daniel!

A net friend cum big brother who's known me since I was sec 2

With 2 guys

With my godson! =p

With my grandparents

2 of us with bears

With bears again!

Peiqi and I with bears!!

Everyone

Me and my sis

ReVeRiEz.. sTiLL sTuCk iN wOrK mOde

Yes, for unknown reasons, I'm still not out of my work mode yet. It's the feeling that I need to do work even if the pillow looks so much more comfy. The worst part is probably that all these pupillage stuff has taken an adverse effect on my tuitions. Poor Darryl must have been baffled by my blabberings which occurs when my brain is on the verge of shut down.

Collected my PLC materials today, and I realised my folly. Looks are truly deceiving. In fact, the materials are far from light! No wonder my pupil master was 'nagging' about bring a plastic bag today. Whilst talking to Sunil about the material, my pupil master walked out of his room and I intentionally mentioned the fact that I had brought a plastic bag loud enough for my pupil master to hear.

Dropped by Yeo Marini during lunch today. 1 year. 365 days. How things have changed so rapidly. Mr Yeo is now the only lawyer left. The office that I used to share with Mr Ng has been converted into a meeting room. The place felt so much less lively. As I made my way to the sub-courts from the office, I was suddenly reminded of the few times Mr Ng had brought me to the family court. The images still seemed quite clear, just as if it were yesterday, and now, the only one left would be Mr Yeo.

I guess like I've said many a times in my blog(s), life is all about changes. Come to think of it, I AM one who needs a change of environment very often too!

2 people irritated me at work today. Wonder if it's the effects of aging, I just can't be bothered to blow up. It jus felt irritating.

ReVeRiEz iN tHe MoOd fOr bLoGgInG

Alas, since the REAL pupillage started, this tiny area in the vast world of the internet has in no time become neglected. So many things have happened, so much to say, yet, when I sit down to type, I end up typing nothing

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Haven't exactly made much mention of the place I am doing pupillage at. When I made up my mind to dump a previous place, I was all prepared to end up here actually. Which isn't too bad, given the fact that I do like the people around.

Frankly, I AM really very thankful to LSP and Christopher Chong for taking me in. Everything was so last minute, yet they still agreed to let me in. For some unknown reason, the moment I saw Christopher's name beside the words 'Pupil Master', I just smiled to myself. Perhaps it was the sense of familarity that put me a little at ease. At the same time, it gave me some kind of unknown pressure to work too. Afterall, without Christopher and LSP, I would not have made a nice transition from one place to another in such a short period of time. And there was always the thought of not disgracing Vincent Yeo too.

Sometimes, I feel totally lost. For the first week especially, I was highly enthusiastic about work. Perhaps it was just after my short stinct at A. Law Corp. Though it felt a bit busy, still, I was really really happy. Then over the weekend, I sat back and reviewed. What on earth was I thinking when I was so eager to work? Why was I so eager to please, with a tiny part in me hoping, I mean fighting to get retained, when I knew this was all but impossible? Afterall, around this time next year, I'll be moving over to the office at City Hall doing things that I will not be doing here. So what on earth was I trying to prove?

That realisation hit me rather strongly. It's always so much easier to go with the flow. Once you stop and think, you'll realise that it's so much easier to get lost in following others. Perhaps I really do want to work here still. I am happy, very much indeed. Or perhaps I just wanted to pay back their favour, by proving that I am not just some extra baggage. Or perhaps it was also my admiration for my pupil master that propelled me forward, wanting to prove myself. But the fact that this may all be just a short dream does throw me off-track often enough. 5 years in Income, and what do I do next? Regret? Perhaps a little, but then again, without Income, there'll be no Vincent Yeo, and probably no Rodyk in my life either. Oh well..

Dropped by Income last Friday since Mr Yeo's birthday would be this Monday. Somehow felt quite at ease in Legal. Did I do attachments there a bit too often? Still, it was nice to have seen V. Yeo and Wai Mun.

Wai Mun asked how my pupil master was. Somehow, I gave my usual 'Ok' reply, to which she asked in a jest 'Only ok?' Frankly, that's NOT my intended answer. I guess if you ask me now, I would say I really think my pupil master is superb and that I am really really glad to have him as my pupil master. He's analytical yet able to see the whole picture, up there yet still approachable, calm and poise yet with some temperaments. At first, I was really not used to him suddenly talking to himself (I presume) loudly. Then later, I sort of got used to it. Sometimes, I really wonder why my seat is directly opposite his. So that he can check whether I'm doing my work? But somehow his presence is highly beneficial to my work rate. Somehow, my pupil master is Sooo brilliant, I just don't want to be too dumb.

Was just reminded of my MSN chat with Priscilla and her mention of Adrian Heng describing himself as a shrimp that would be eaten by a small fish which would in turn be eaten by a larger fish (ok, something to that point) Interesting analogy, though I simply beg to differ. It's interesting how Adrian seems to be often associated with Christopher (or at least to me). I can still remember their names written beside each other on the phonelist at Income (something to that extent, at least). Yet, this time round, I realised they aren't that similar. For one, Christopher leaves a goal-getter image, whereas Adrian feels much more lay-back. If Christopher can be described as a calm albeit punctuated occasionally with his sudden short temperaments, Adrian would be the calm and accomodating kind of person. Yet, both ARE gentlemen. In fact, I mentioned the other day at TCC that my pupil master feels so much like a daddy, or at least what I imagined a nice daddy should be.

Too bad Adrian is no longer in Rodyk. It would have been so much more interesting to work with him too! For the record though, I did not purposely searched for his name on the seating plan. I was merely curious as to whether the few people I know were salaried partners or equity ones. And I didn't see his name on either list even though I was certain that he IS, I mean was, a partner. Wahz.. but I did regret mentioning to him that his name wasn't in the seating plan. It sounded totally like I am a stalker! And I'm NOT!

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The effects of the whole range of medicine is getting to me. Better turn in so that I can get in earlier to finish what I owed my pupil master!

ReVeRiEz on FrIeD KwAy TeOw

Had some food with my sis at Hougang Mall just now, and it sort of reminded us of CHIJ Ponggol food. Interestingly, even though it's been 11 years since I've graduated, and 9 for my sis, we could still remember the days when the popular foods would be sold, ie. the LONG queues in the canteen.

Seems like happier memories will always leave a deep impression in the mind.

This week has been a really messy/drastic week. For one, I DUMPED my previous pupillage firm. Like what Juliana said yesterday 'if you pay peanuts, then you are going to get peanuts'. Especially when you couple that with awful attitude of some people. But I'm glad I left.

Of course, later on, I found out that I was labelled 'naive'. To think that I was actually touched by your actions on that very last day. Oh well, I guess I was too naive to think so well of you. But I've learnt my lesson and I shall move on.

Irritatingly, they sent me my pay today. after working for 2 weeks plus 2 days minus one day of MC, my pay was $300. That sounds far from $400 (which is half month's pay). And best of all, they had to spell my name wrongly on the cheque even though the letter accompanying it was correct. Does that say something about them?

On a happier note, I really do like my NEW pupil master A LOT!!!! He's really really very nice and I'm quite grateful that he agreed to take me in at such short notice. Both he and LSP are really really nice despite the troublesome me =)

Oh.. on a lighter note, this week was quite filled with meet ups too. Met up with some of the girls from S29, had dinner basically with Xiyan, Qi, Lay Kuan, Joy and Shuyun, and we walked around. Oh.. and we bumped into WG along the streets. Also, met up with Alan 大 哥 yesterday too! It's been YEARS.. (ok, i mean at least a year) since I've seen him around. Thought I would see Janet too... but I wonder where the miscommunication occurred.. Haha... but I managed to suan him about his forgetfulness, thanks to my unique way of reminding myself (ie. not deleting sms until a certain event has passed) =)

Wonder when I'll get to see all the others I haven't seen in years.. hmm...

ReVeRiEz on Pupillage

Nopez.. I'm not going to let on/complain about anything here..

2 people were not around today and it simply made my day. Somehow the guy in charge found out what happened that day and talked to me. I'm still pondering who his informant is. Still, he's really nice and I'll feel bad about my decision..

Anyway, even though he is nice.. I think 老板 is still the BEST! Mr Yeo, thank you Soooooooooooo much! You are really GREAT! I guess I should have been a good girl right from the start, but the stubborn me decided to strike out on my own and then found myself in some messy pool. Still, I really really appreciate it a lot! Really, you're really the perfect boss cum mentor! Though I have no idea how to show how much I appreciate having you as my 老板, but I'm really really grateful! Hmm.. still, I'm still curious as to why you always seem to like R so much.. actually... even after I've emailed KW my CV, I guess I'm still hoping that R will take me in instead.. Don't know why, but I think I've been influenced to like R much more? =)

And of course.. WaiMun called me 'xiao mei mei'.. Haha.. that made me quite high too..

Tomato is great at sms-ing at the right time.. Their mass call tomorrow.. Time flies huh? Now they're full fletched lawyers..

Not to mention Mr Rama bringing me to High Court, simply because some people were not around to prevent him from doing so...

Ahz... life without the evil and knowing the evil would be exterminated soon is good.. Hope it keeps this way..

And I hope when things are settled, the evil gives me a good shelling.. then I can proceed as planned.. =)

ReVeRiEz on SeCuRiTy

Knowing a person who has little sense of security yet maintains a tough front must be truly exasperating. Don't worry, I sympathise with you guys reading this. Truly =)

Saw a doctor today. Finally one who actually diagnosed correctly instead of forcing their diagnosis. Never knew I had asthma when I was a kid. Interesting what a trip to the GP can bring. (To you out there who will of course never ever read this mediocre blog, there you go, it is not necessary to be an out-an-out specialist to be excellent) But bronchitis sounds.. a tad scary. Oh and Dr Ung (forgot spelling) could actually conclude spot on that whenever I cough, it'll be because of some uncomfortable feeling in my trachea (which some other doctors vehemently denied possible.. what quacks). Frankly, I AM truly impressed.

But, of course, free time comes at a price. The more options, the more uncertainty. After this, I am beginning to distrust my judgment. I don't even dare make a decision now. With such dreadful precedence, thank goodness I'll never ever have to make any major lifetime decisions. Somehow, the word 'commitment' just doesn't seem to be in any part of my dictionary. In fact, 'escapism' should have a prominent role huh? 3 years may not be a lot, but it seems really long.. just like the 5 years. Not that I mind having the opportunity to work outside for so long.. but 5+3=8 years. That's almost 1/3 of my life till now. Given how commitment-phobic I am, it's really a bit too scary, especially since I can't even tolerate 2 weeks.

Told someone that I would not want to apply for pupillage at where he is working at, simply because I prefer to have him as a friend than colleague. I wonder why he didn't think that as a compliment when it was supposed to be. As in, few friends can remain so once they become colleagues and by saying that, I merely meant that I treasure the friendship more than the job opportunity. Hmm.. wonder why it wasn't read as a compliment...

ReVeRiEz on ThE pAiN Of FaMiLaRiTy

Not that I've anything against familarity, don't get me wrong, in fact, I would love familarity more than being stuck with a bunch of strangers, but here's where the problem of familarity lies..

Familarity means being more comfortable, right? But what if this so-called familarity gets eroded over time? What is meant to be familar is now but stranger? Then you'll get the scenario of 皮 笑 肉 不 笑..

Or perhaps it's just me..

Better things should be stored away.. Just like a brand new cute soft toy should be locked away in the cupboard so that it would not be dirtied and lose its value. Such a simple principle, yet I don't seem to be able to grasp it.

Almost wanted to mention about a certain phone call I had today, a kind of weird/surprising phone call that made me quite tempted, yet, I held my tongue.. as usual? I don't know.. but it doesn't matter.. perhaps I just can't be bothered to change any wrong perceptions.. perhaps I really don't care any more..

Or is it? Won't be getting the 皮 笑 肉 不 笑 feeling otherwise, yah? One gets angry/pissed only with strangers whom you don't really know. Others that matter more, you just feel... helpless(? --> can't think of a more apt vocab.. shall use this for now..)

I think I'm tired.. I need to hide in my hole.. never to climb out again.. Like what I've once told someone, I want to leave for somewhere where no one knows me.. and no one I know can find me.. that sounds so cool, isn't it?

ReVeRiEz on UsEfUL-nEsS, EQ etc..

This must be my most messy title.. all in one.. but not much of a choice... Blogging is not a private affair.. Being on cyberspace means its easy availability to the public at large.. ie. greater chance of accidentally defaming someone.

One week of official real work, well, kind of.. and I'm still reeling in tiredness even after a long weekend. Sometimes, you get to see more people with either a lack of EQ, or that they are just plain inconsiderate. Whatever the case, just hope that things take a turn for the better for this week.

Besides, I think I need extra time awfully.. Perhaps 36 hours a day would be good. Currently, life revolves around working, and I'll probably be too dead tired at the end of the day, even if I am running on my reserve energy.

Which reminds me, I'm SO irritated with myself! To think that I forgot today is Monday, and decided to continue lying in bed till 10am! Which means I missed ZhongYiYuan again! 2 weeks and 1 day worth of not being able to listen to the programme! Argh... I miss listening to ShenJiang and Mingde crossing verbal swords with each other, or simply ShenJiang's sharp but amusing comments! *sigh* If only work starts at 10.30am, or that my computer is sound-enabled.. Oh well..

Talking about EQ reminds me of another person who is severely lacking in that. Shall not name names, but seriously, when others do you a favour, you jolly well think of that person's position too. There are some stuff where you can disclose for fun.. and there are others that you can't. Being so old already, I'm sure you should be matured enough to think, right? Or perhaps not..

And since I'm on the usefulness part, I've just emailed HW regarding the temp job. Can't believe that I'll do this favour for one of the 2 that I emailed on behalf. Is it that I'll never be able to stop feeling that I owe that person a favour? Oh well, then I better stop getting favours from others.. else I'll never ever be able to repay all my 人情债...