Out with Ciyao

It takes a truly boliao person like me to be able to type blog entries that often. Oh well.. I AM boliaoz..

Finally, met up with Ciyao on our once every 6 months meet-up (No thanks to SBS, I was late againz.. grrr.. to think I got up early!!!) Walked around Parkway.. ate at Jack's Place and then did a bit of shopping cum window shopping. Nothing much unusual, but like I always say, it's not what you do that matters, but the company that you have. Being with her just feels great.. for no particular reason. (Hmm.. somehow was just reminded about the need to help her with some matchmaking.. her mum would be very pleased with me... haha.. Nah.. But I don't think she really needs my help lahz)

Oh.. and something great happened today too! Bumped into.... QIUTING!!!!!!!! To think I was still wondering if she was back, and there she was, with her sis and her dad. Her sis IS truly truly truly CUTE!!!!! =) Shall look forward to meeting up with her
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The media merger dust has settled. Some are leaving, some are staying. Somehow, the feeling is just not the same. 'Tian xia wu bu san zhi yan xi' Yet, a TV station that had kept me company through my 4 years of Uni life, it just feels weird without it. Oh well.. Life is harsh.. Even Star Awards don't seem as interesting as it was years ago.
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Don't know what came over me to send that apology sms. In any case, it feels better to have apologised, even if the person in question had no idea I was damn pissed with him..

Empty

The feeling of emptiness after the rain... feels like a directionless person... just moving without knowing..

Just like what I asked Koon and Daniel, why am I always in the wrong when I stand up for another?

Know this sounds ultra pathetic.. But, does anyone want to keep me company for the whole of the Monday after this coming one? I just don't want to be at home for the whole day... somewhat akin to running away.. still... PLEASE? I'm not choosy about who, or what to do... I just want to hide... can?

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Can't help but notice this comment on someone else's blog whom I was surfing on.. My apologies for the infringement:

"for the night...it was J that YF and me riled up over her refusal to change her bathing stuff...i shan't say what it was...but it was irritating enough to waste a good 40mins getting and negotiating with her in the dorm, the bathroom and back at the dorm again..."

Comments: Aiyoh, that is so easy already... Try having the gals from my group... a.k.a. bessie...

Who says Bessie is that hard to deal with? It merely depends on what method you use. Having dealt with both J and B, J definitely gets my vote for being harder to deal with. Then again, shall be diplomatic and keep my comments to myself.. But can't help but wonder about the reason for someone always having a hard time dealing with them. Perhaps like what my sis says that the particular person can't always be so awfully unlucky, right?

Personality test once againz..

No idea why I went to do another personality test again... Somehow the first thought that popped into my mind was something that I sms-ed someone many months ago.. What am I suited for? Or do I have no strengths at all?

Anyway, back to the results:

My Bloginality is ESFP!!!

Wondering about the accuracy, esp when I only had to answer 4 (or was it 5 questions). The questions are quite similar to the MBTI one I took years ago in RGS... yet the results seem different this time round. Is it because I've changed? Or it's just merely inaccurate?

Anyway, according to the test, ESFPs generally have the following traits:
Live in the present moment
Are stimulated and excited by new experiences
Practical and realistic
Warmly interested in people
Know how to have a good time, and how to make things fun for others
Independent and resourceful
Spontaneous - seldom plan ahead
Hate structure and routine
Dislike theory and long written explanations
Feel special bond with children and animals
Strongly developed aesthetic appreciation for things
Great people skills

ESFPs are good at many things, but will not be happy unless they have a lot of contact with people, and a lot of new experiences. They should choose careers which provide them with the opportunity to use their great people skills and practical perspective, which will also provide them with enough new challenges that they will not become bored.

The following list of professions is built on our impressions of careers which would be especially suitable for an ESFP. It is meant to be a starting place, rather than an exhaustive list. There are no guarantees that any or all of the careers listed here would be appropriate for you, or that your best career match is among those listed.

Artists, Performers and Actors
Sales Representatives
Counselors / Social Work
Child Care (WHAT? They must be joking...)
Fashion Designers
Interior Decorators
Consultants
Photographers

As you can see... It's Sooo inaccurate.. Either that, or I should start worrying, that there are no jobs suitable for me.. Hmm...

VSA Camp..

Got back from the camp yesterday night. Just read in TODAY that lack of sleep makes bosses irritable. Ah.. the wonders of sleep. Perhaps that's why this entry is less angst-filled as compared to the version that I was typing yesterday.

Anyway, back to the camp. 2nd and LAST time at the camp. Despite a good rest last night, I still don't seem to have snapped out of my 'sinking' feeling. The reminder that I cannot handle kids is still deeply imprinted in my mind. I am even more resolved than before that kids are not suited to have any role in my life, or maybe, they should just retain their 'see-and-find-them-cute' distance. Evolving into a really practical person huh? A person who is awfully numbed. The constant reminder for the need to be professional. Not that I really was by the end of yesterday. One unlucky volunteer in my group had to bear the brunt of my irritability yesterday by getting icy cold treatment. But frankly, even though this volunteer was the only befriender in my group without the 'Best Befriender' award, and even though I had already predicted so earlier (it's not too difficult to read the minds of Theo and the VMs, can even tell what their criteria is) I somehow still feel that he is more deserving of it than another, who though highly effective, somehow wasn't as truly involved. Then again, who am I to judge. Afterall, amongst the 4 of us, I still generated the worst performance, which explains the nomination of all 3 of them for the award, much to the surprise (and probably amusement) of Theo..

Thankfully this camp wasn't my real working environment. Otherwise, there goes any possible performance bonus. Not only did I not perform up to standard, my lack of professional attitude (in other words, my highly evident childish behaviour) also made a huge dent in my work performance. Come on gal! You need a greater amount of plastic!!! Considering the pathetic state of this country of yours where deregulations and mergers are at the mercy of those up there, it is important NOT to burn your bridges even if you are on the other end. No doubt yesterday was the last day of the camp, and you probably would never have to work with the person who pissed you off throughout the camp, yet, you never know. If you had already tolerated the past few days without slapping his face (esp since you knew you had to work with the person) you can jolly well withhold your favourite ice treatment for the last few hours. Afterall, you won't be that suay to bump into that particular person anywhere around here or school *cross fingers*

On a lighter note, I do deserve a pat on my back for improving on my childish behaviour too. No doubt one fellow volunteer mentioned my normal self is crappy (which I think is kind of far from the truth) still my ability of occasionally working harmoniously with a person I had dreaded to work with does deserve some praise (even if I am the one praising myself)

On an even lighter note, Benson is still as CUTE as ever! (Even sis totally agrees with that!) And he gave me a hug without me asking for it!! This, compared to last year when he only stuck himself to his 'mummy' and didn't play with me! So happy =) He's soooo awfully cute that I don't mind even when he made me 'koala-bear' carry him around... or even piggy back him! He's really sooo awfully cute!! I'll miss seeing him (since this is the last time I'm volunteering) Heard from sis that his mum wasn't very nice.. Actually told him that he is less good as compared to the other campers cause he had fewer art pieces on display.. But who cares about the parents.. He's really sooooo awfully cute. If only he were in my group......


VSA Camp 2004 -- Group 6 (Spain)
Back (Befrienders): Weishi, Me, Daniel 'Mummy', 'Best-Camper' Roy
Front (Campers): Peicheng, QiGuang, June, Yiting, Yin King, KaiYuan

6 weeks

A wonderfully poignant piece of work.. I'll truly miss watching Adrian Pang when MediaWorks ceases existence..

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What would you do if you only had 6 weeks left?

Quite a number would say 'I'll want to do this, this and this..' Would that really be so?

Adrian Pang's character in the show, though truly gutless, seems so real. The stage of being lost, then gathering the pieces. I doubt that many would be so brave as to say immediately, 'Since I won't be around here soon, I better go about doing everything I had wanted to do'.. Probably be stunned first and go through a period of denial, yah?

It's hard to say for such how I'll react. Yet one thing for sure, I'll be like Adrain Pang's character and not want to tell others about my condition.. Fewer people know, the better. Afterall, what can they do?

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Is today a day of problems? Hmm... from the looks of my phone, it seems so..

can't be of much help, still... Jia you, everyone!

VSA Camp tomorrow...

Really admire a particular friend who's going for 2 camps consecutively next week.. and the camps are not even the fun-play-only type..

Somehow, I seem to enjoy typing on changes here. Don't ask me why, cause I've no idea what's with my obsession with noticing changes anyway..

Even today's version of Super Sunday had change as part of the theme too. Highly amusing how awful a kid David Tao was. But more importantly, the last few runs of Super Sunday really does lack a certain 'high level'. Somehow, the show is simply not the same without the 2 other veterans of the show. The lack of a certain tacit understanding between the hosts made the once-popular show much less palatable..

Seems like I'm digressing from what I initially planned to type..

VSA youth camp starts tomorrow, at least for the volunteer.. Somehow, frankly, I don't seem to have muster the enthusiasm. Is it like what a certain person had said, that perhaps it's time for me to move on and find something else that can muster that fire in me? Or is it just a case of a lack of focus point in life? I don't know.. Even the thought of being friendly, having to work with new people, or even, people I know but don't particularly like, seems to be weighing down on me. Ah.. but of course, being old enough, I ought to remember the need to be professional no matter who I work with (read: emotionless).. which means stop being whiny now lahz! argh!

Hopping off to another point (frankly, I'm beginning to wonder if I've some kind of psychiatric disorder, especially after reading a small part of the book on that.. hmm..) wonder if Qiu is back in Singapore. She arrived in Singapore this day last year.. Hmm..

Which also reminds me.. it's time I post less copyrightable stuff up here. It sure does feel a bit eerie when you find out that the same copyrightable material pops up at a later time somewhere else.. But there's no way you can complain, since you don't own the copyright to that particular material... Ah well..

Family are strangers you may not know

Couldn't help rearranging the title of another friend's blog entry to create my title.

Sometimes, it's not that I don't know you are maintaining a cold war. Rather, by pretending not to know, I'm just diffusing tension. Otherwise, you'll just continue with a greater extent of the war.

But...

It's not exactly my fault, is it? Well, since you do not want me to voice my opinions to certain people, instead of remaining dumb and feeling awful in the cage, I choose to go out for a breather, to avoid any circumstances of conflict. Afterall, even if I stand up for you and then someone else turns bonkers, it's still my fault. So why on earth would you need me in the cage?

It wasn't as if I chose to disappear for almost the entire day either. Somehow, I know you think I did. But you forgot I still had to give tuition at night. Yes, I won't forget about earning my money, the sum may be paltry, but that's the only sum that's most dependable. And running away from reality for another 2 hours does sound good..

Told a friend I made this year the other day that I hate December holidays. He immediately linked it to traumatic happenings, which of course I deny immediately. Truth is, a lot of my unhappy memories do happen in December, all the more on a certain particular day. Since he didn't probe any further after I gave a lame excuse about my distaste for December, I just kept mum. But truly, I really really do hate December, and I'm still hoping to find someone who doesn't know the significance of that day to keep me company for that one entire day. (Any takers?) Of course, that'll earn me the wrath of some people but why can't I just choose to have a tear-free day for that particular day? An ex-classmate of mine was upset because no one seemed to remember his significant day. For me, I just want every single person to forget.. about my existence, so long as I get a nicely uneventful day. Is that possible? I doubt so..

That's what friends are for...

Don't ask me what that title, that song just popped into my head, and there it goes, up as the title for the current entry.

Holidays officially started yesterday. Though Friday's matters seemed poised to be a huge storm to my holidays, yet it's just like when you hear the weather forecast, you can always avoid the area until the clouds blow over.

At least that's what I did, which explains why this pathetic gal here spent 2+ hours in the school's library, furiously zapping away.. No, don't worry, it's not my idea of great fun, but when you can't think of where to waste your time, and shopping centres can't last you the entire late morning cum noon, you're forced to improvise.

Still, I guess for a BRAT like me, I should be thankful that I've friends who cater to my requests.

Just like the official first day of my freedom started on the right note. Thanks to an old friend who kept me company the entire afternoon. Not sure if that friend felt bored. If he did, he didn't say, so it's impossible for an insensitive person like me to know, yah? Still, the eating, walking around aimless was good fun, not because of the activities themselves, but just cause of the company, I guess.

Another friend told me the other day that having a packed day like mine sounds good.. Yet, I was so tempted to say that sometimes, I'll really love a rest too, if only I could. The reminders of having to force myself out even though I was awfully unwell doesn't sound any bit enticing to me.. Ah well...

I guess I'll say that I'm always running away.. Running, running and running.. yet, just as in real life, my stamina is not that good.. I tend to tire out too.. Just that sometimes, I don't even know what to hold on to.. it's just run, run and run..

I guess that's where I've got certain friends to thank.. For not complaining even though I act like a brat.. Come to think of it, I do get brattier and brattier as I grow older.. Hmm.. a reversal of age? Still, I better start counting my lucky stars..

On a lighter note, I got a friendster message from a particular senior I admire. Am I just too sleepy to feel extra cheery... Under normal circumstances, I would feel so, right? Still, it's good to know he's doing his masters now.. hmm... another smart guy... it's only his 4th year... and it's already masters....

倔强
曲：阿信 词：阿信 编：五月天

当 我和世界不一样 那就让我不一样
坚持对我来说 就是以刚克刚
我 如果对自己不行 如果对自己说谎
即使别人原谅 我也不能原谅

最美的愿望 一定最疯狂
我就是我自己的神 在我活的地方

我和我最后的倔强 握紧双手绝对不放
下一站是不是天堂 就算失望不能绝望

我和我骄傲的倔强 我在风中大声的唱
这一次为自己疯狂 就这一次 我和我的倔强
(就这一次 让我大声唱啦啦啦...)

对 爱我的人别紧张 我的固执很善良
我的手越肮髒 眼神越是发光
你 不在乎我的过往 看到了我的翅膀
你说过被火烧过才能出现凤凰

逆风的方向 更适合飞翔
我不怕千万人阻挡 只怕自己投降
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I wanna go Plaza Sing.. Argh... why must there be exams?!?

Exam Timetable

LAL1201: Tamil 1
Date: 19/11/2004
Time: 9:00 AM
Venue: AS6-02-09/14
Seat Number: 16

CL2281: Translation and Interpretation
Venue: AS6-02-09/14
Seat Number: 90
Date: 20/11/2004
Time: 1:00 PM

LL4019 : Credit and Security
Date: 26/11/2004
Time: 2:30 PM
Venue: Sheares Hall
Seat Number: 111


LL4006:Banking Law
Venue: Moot Court
Seat Number: 51
Date: 02/12/2004
Time: 9:00 AM

Even with Topics in Financial Law, Marine Insurance Law and IT Law 1 over... Still have 4 more modules to stretch me further.. Praying really really hard...

Oh.. and hopefully the pain in my left wrist and finger would go off soon... and that hand regains its strength... Hmm...

LAST tuition...

Had my last tuition with Karen today... interesting how time flies... 4 years have passed... from a fresh sec 1 gal.. she's now one of the seniors in school.. and me? from a freshie to a... oldie? haha..

even though travelling to her place was dreadful esp when i had to rush my work.. you would think that i'll be super happy that i won't have to wait for 136s any more.. yet.. somehow, there was still the tinge of yi yi bu she...

afterall, it's been 4 years...

Financial Law Paper in a few hours time...

Gosh.. i AM envious of Sherwin, Sandra, Reichmann etc... they get to play whilst I'm still stuck..

1 oral down on Tues... Topics in Financial Law Paper will be out at 4pm.. and I've not finished reading every single article... Thinking of completing my Tamil homework instead.. Wonder why Hougang is written as 'Havgaan'? Doesn't sound the least bit like Hougang.. Hmm..

Looking forward to Tues.. That'll mean Financial Law paper down, and Interpretation Oral Exam down.. that'll leave me to mug for my Marine Insurance weekend paper... and tamil oral.. Have decided.. I'll deal with IT Law 1 after Tamil Oral... and then 2 days to complete my part of the notes for Credit and Security...

Okiez.. hope I keep to mental timetable...

Wonder if we're invited to dad's colleague's place again for Deepavali... I simply LOVE his cooking! Besides... I need to get a chance to show off my pathetic Tamil, yah? [just realised yesterday... I don't know how to say 'Shut up!', but am able to say 'Get out!' Just imagine using it on students if I ever get the chance.. haha... send them out of class, just cause I can only say the later..]

Heard on fm88.3 that there'll be the sequel to Bridget Jones' Diary in December.. can't help recalling who I watched the first part with.. Time really flies huh?

Jigsaw thoughts

当烦恼越来越多
玻璃弹珠越来越少
我知道我已慢慢地长大了
红色的蜻蜓曾几何时
也在我岁月里慢慢不见了

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The 4-in-1 keychain Christmas present that Vicknesh gave.. the knife doesn't work.. regardless of how much force is used to scratch against certain easily cut surface, nothing happens.. What type of knife is that?!?

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在难免有风有雨
人生长路上
因为你我会变得更坚强

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About 5 years ago, I had to drop a subject. I refused to display a single sign of emotion in class. Even in the toilet, when another classmate started crying, I still didn't cry. Hardly said a single word the whole day in school. Didn't want to comment about how I was feeling. Remembered the 1st thing I did during recess was to leave a message to my most dependable friend, the one I trusted most, just to say 'I really have to drop a subject'.

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软弱的时候
我不会低头
多么幸运和你一起走

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Fast forward 5 years. Sent an utterly senseless and weird sms to the same person. But this time, it was more because I felt safe. Thought that same friend would not have any reaction, would not care and would not reply, so that I won't be such a bother to those I consider friends. Was surprised to get an sms after a while. There was a missed call too, but I wonder if it was merely accidental pressing of the wrong button..

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别以为我不在乎
面无表情叫做酷

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Was listening to << 孤单北半球 >> for the whole day.. Somehow, it seems the melody, the voice proved the only calming effect...

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家里到课堂
永远迟到慌张
成绩单要往哪里藏
不要批评我的智商
有太多期望
想带着玩具
到处流浪

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A man's dreams are an index to his greatness - Zadoc Rabinowitz

You know you haven't been blogging for a long while when the layout of the blog looks unfamiliar to you

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One year, 365 days.. Numerous changes..

"If only time could freeze at that moment.."

Sounds familiar? Whenever things go wrong, it's so much easier to look back and wish things were like they were before, yet, is it possible?

Who is to guarantee that the environment would remain the same? The people in the scenario will not change? Like what I had copied in many entries earlier, the only thing that does not change is but change itself..

Express students in N(A), N(A) students in Express, mischievous ones becoming well behaved, or even students quitting school..

Familiarity surrounded by strangeness. Know yet not know.

But it's always good to be updated.. =) Familiar, likeable faces breeds happiness..

If only the changes applied to most of those adults. The cannot-make-it ones to be can-make it. Or perhaps attempt to improve their EQ and English before they attempt to pass on the right knowledge..

All these revamps in our education system seem to forget one important thing.. deal with the quality of the knowledge-attributor first...

Your element is Rain: Sad, lonely, distant and unique. You are quite distant from emotion and people, but you have been made this way by one thing or another. Your are truly unique yet fail to see it, and are quite creative be it in art, music, writing, etc.. You used to let people in now you don't even bother to try having been hurt so many times in the past. Your attitude is that you don't need anyone but yourself, people are just trouble waiting to happen. But you really do want to trust someone no matter if you see it or not, deep down your waiting for someone to come and set you free. This kind of depression can turn dangerous, don't let them get to you. Not everyone in the world will hurt you, humans are humans and are not perfect. So most likely sooner or later you'll meet someone who feels like you do and perhaps your shell will eventually disappear.

Contradictory

Ever had the experience that you didn't really want something that badly, yet when you get a negative response, you still had this niggling weird feeling?

Humans are such contradictory creatures. If you had wanted something, and then you didn't get it, granted, you would feel upset. Yet, it's interesting how one actually has this uncomfortable feeling too when one didn't put in any effort to apply for something, couldn't be bothered and then gets a rejection call. Perhaps it's just ego deflating.. 

Serenity missed..

Someone should tell our government that there's one weak link in their pro-family campaign. Make sure that single ie. unmarried young lawyers are not allowed to do divorce cases.. Just imagine hearing all the unhappy marriages, and of course, the 'helpful' clients who tell you never ever to get married..

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Something interesting in the news today.. Those who know me since jc would probably have greater idea about why I'm so interested in today's LianHe ZaoBao, as well as the New Paper (by the way, I didn't get the latter, so if any kind soul out that has it.. perhaps, you would like to present it to me? No.. I don't need the entire paper.. merely 2 pages..)

Time flies. Can't believe it's been 4 years already. Nevertheless, it's always wonderful to see nice stuff happening to people you know.. I mean, it's always nice to see them living a smooth-sailing life.. 

By the way, even though I love hearing that people I admire are in the papers, I do not think anyone enjoys the suspense at being told some things but not others.. it's kind of irritating, by the way..

Cebu trip gathering..

Just got back from my dinner with Cebu trip people.. Now that we've started counting.. it's been 5 years since our trip.. and about 3 years since we've all seen each other..

Meisi, Martin, Shamini, Carole.. kind of sad that they didn't make it in the end, but nonetheless, seeing Huihui, Lizhen, Jini, Adrian, Sijie and Guoxing was great too.. interestingly, Sharon Phua's name seemed to pop up now and then.. in fact, her name was even more memorable than Mr Tan's! Haha.. it just proves that in order to be remembered, you've got to be really really notorious =)

Somehow, this is one of the first gathering where I really really felt very happy just seeing/talking to the people.. and then still have that cheery feeling lingering by the time I'm home.. Not that we have that much in common.. Each of us are now doing our own stuff.. Huihui, Lizhen working at PWC, Jini waiting for her results.. Sijie the piano teacher... etc.. but somehow with the craps and stuff.. everything just felt the same... as if we were transported back in time..

Sometimes, it's not what we are doing that matters, but how much effort we put into something..

Come to think of it.. Cebu was really one of my best memories of jc life..

Reveriez reverie-ing
 
Argh! It must have been years since I've typed an entry, so much so that the earlier post that I typed turned out blank! But well, it does proves my earlier unpublished point on how things not remaining stagnant in time.
 
Memory is such an interesting thing.. Why do we all have indelible memory or better still, not have forgettory instead? Why do people actually think that happy memories are cherished ones, and sad memories are best forgotten? Sadly, happy memories are sometimes the culprit leading to a person's downfall. Just because the current happenings pale in comparison with those happy memories, some tend to be totally absorbed in them, neglecting the more important NOW.. Of course, these treasured memories can't be totally faulted either.. They are equally capable of bringing some warmth into rainy cold days too..
 
Cliche as it sounds, time does fly.. It's been a year since the last Racial Harmony Day came and left.. When I came across the entry in a friend's blog, somehow, I could clearly remember the classes I took that day last year, and even some of the clothes donned by them. And it's already been a year.. A blurry one in fact.. Interestingly, I do miss them a bit every now and then still...
 
And yes, SMP training yesterday. For some unknown reason, I was just totally drained at the end of it.. I can't say the 3 social workers did not make any effort.. In fact they did. The newspapers balls were really well made, as compared to the ones Victor used then. In fact, they remained perfectly in shape after our numerous bad aiming. Yet, at the same time, the training was all so familiar.. I could even predict what they would do next for the games, yes.. that was how similar it was..
 
Would I make a better mentor this time round? I really don't know. In fact, I can still remember blurly the messiness of our first session then.. Haven't heard from Iffah in years.. Nurul, well she called.. but I haven't been able to get her since..
 
Camp next week... but I really feel drained already..

contradiction
2 tests from the same website with almost opposing results..

Somehow, I think the angry soul one is realy quite accurate though..

Congrats! Your a Pure Angel! Angels, as far as most of them go, are all compatabile creatures, but Pure ones simply are symbols of God. Pure Angels always appear when a child is born, when a rainbow is seen, or when someone shares their first kiss. They never grow old, an can appear in the shape of a naked woman with white, bold wings. Pure angels are the carriers of god, and
show their love to everyone in the world.

You have an angry soul! Angry Souls arent always angry, but they cannot easily forgive and hold grudges. You probably often get in fights with your friends and family, and its difficult for you to understand. When someone makes a mistake, you don't let go easily and hold on to those memories. Your very stubborn and your rage is known to everyone. Though you never actually mean it, you can say mean things in a fight and go over board. Many people are sometimes intimidated by your anger. But you have many redeeming qualities and those are that you are quite intelligent and smart. You would make a good businesswoman or lawyer because you know how to prove your point. You cherish the ones around you, and appreciate life, even though you can complain or throw a tantrum now and then. The good things is, you keep your emotions very outspoken, and are normally a very happy person because all your rage is let on the outside. Anger is simply a state, but you, yourself as a person, are great.

RGCO concert
Never thought a concert that I wasn't exactly super keen on going could invoke such strong lingering emotions in me..

How long ago was it when I was there, one of the green monsters as kor would call me, absorbing the excitement, irritation etc.. All those feelings of being forced to appear for practices, rehearsals.. the numerous grumblings.. and the final elation at the end of everything..

Saw a junior up on stage.. Was already sec 4 when she joined.. Unlike all the rest, I did not take part in initiating her into erhu section.. but seeing her today, couldn't help but think.. she was a total newbie then.. and now, she's so much more an accomplished player than me..

not that I was awfully upset.. in fact, i just felt numb.. almost like i wanted to, yet couldn't feel a thing.. and it didn't exactly help meeting Daphne and Jamie.. a future successful doctor.. and another who's just informed me that she'll be doing her pupillage at Khattar Wong..

Somehow, this pupillage thing IS getting to me.. can't believe my guts when I actually typed out what I truly thought to Mingyi.. of course, I lied at the end so as not to seem so awfully rude and mean, but in case you are wondering, yes Mingyi, like what you said, it's really totally true that I cannot work with the current Mingyi. Actually, I would prefer it even more if you would just leave me alone and NOT pretend to be so knowing.. in case you haven't noticed, i'm merely 2 years YOUNGER than you, but that does not mean I'm not capable of sorting and deciding my own life without your interference. I'm totally entitled to do whatever i WANT to do, without you commanding me to.. In any case, only those whom i treat as my closer friends are ENTITLED to poke their noses into my affairs.. and I'm quite sure the person you are right now is nowhere near to gaining that right, now, or anytime soon.. so please wait till you are somewhere near that before you meddle in MY affairs.. so for goodness sake, LIN MINGYI can you please LEAVE ME ALONE and keep your mouth shut unless you have better stuff to say?

One week of slacking...

Just recieved the cheque from Rodyk.. it's more than what I thought.. =)

Wasn't in a good mood earlier today.. came online twice to see if certain people were online.. did see one out of the list.. but in the end still didn't feel like talking.. hmm...

Pupillage application next week.. hmm...

Happy Belated Birthday......

Somehow I've been humming Ocean's Gu Dan Bei Ban Qiu for the whole day..

Someone whom I really look up to just celebrated his birthday a few days ago. Wonder how he has been for the past one year.. Interestingly, even though he hasn't appeared on icq for the past few years, there were a few times when it would have been great to have him online to chat with.. Not that I would complain/whine to this senior of course, especially when we don't exactly know each other.. yet, i really do appreciate the nuggets of wisdom he always seem to dispense (which unknowingly would be useful for me somehow..) or his bountiful optimism that would rub off on me.. at least a tiny bit..

It's been 5+ years since jc1.. Have I really become less shy, as what the senior said last year? Come to think of it, if I were forced into a similar interview session with both the seniors, would i still be as terrified? Maybe yes.. maybe no.. somehow, because of the two of them, I'm now able to tell myself 'since i managed to survive through their interview, there's nothing, no other interview that would be as scary..'

Interestingly, the 2 interviewers whom I feared so badly turned out to be the 2 whom I admire the most after all these years.. One for his intelligence and nice character, the other for his all-rounded-ness and his seemingly never ending optimism..

wonder how they are now.. wonder if i'll get to see the latter either on icq or in real life this year, just like the one occasion for each of the past few years..

In any case, thanks so much for pointing out the fact that i need to speak up, for the encouragement that you've given even though you didn't have to.. (esp the biscuits when I felt really awfully down...) or simply for being more of a friend whom i can look up to instead of a mere interviewer..

and of course, Happy belated birthday! (whichever part of the world you are at now...)

Eeeyore...

To think that I just told someone last night that he's stubborn.. and today, I'm no better.

Seriously, even though I love the students I taught, it doesn't mean I fancy having lunch or meeting up with every single one of them. Considering that I've told you before that I do NOT have anything to say to them, and that I even specifically told you NOT to add me into your conversations, and you being older than me, I thought you could understand that just cause you guys are close to them doesn't me I must too. Well, too bad, I was wrong. And I'm quite disgusted by the fact that you all did not seem to give me a choice whether to see not not to see either..

Well, to link back to my title.. perhaps you would like to know how stubborn and strong headed I can get.. No doubt I'll meet you guys for a meal ONCE... and that's it.. FULL STOP..

What a mentor is...

In the end, I still turned up for the SMP interview...

Puay San said something which was so true.. "In order for you to confide in anyone, you must first look up to them. If they cannot gain your trust, they are not someone you respect, you would not want to tell them your problems. No one likes to let others know the more shady side of themselves."

Actually, I wasn't totally truthful at the interview.. the part about how my secondary school life was like.. But i wasn't lying either.. I merely step-sided issues, that's all.. But it should be understandable.. considering what she said, right?

Anyway, back to work..

1st day at 16th floor.. Felt so tired today.. In fact, I even suspect something is wrong with my contacts... it just got super super dry.. Back to work.. Seriously, I think Mr Ling has the Mr Yeo's air... don't know how to describe.. don't know how to describe but he really reminds me of Mr Yeo..

Oh.. mum got an mc today.. Doc said that bump that she had on her foot for quite a long while could be a tumour.. gave her a referral to SGH in a month's time.. frankly, quite worried.. hmm...

Mid Year Resolution

Why do people only make resolutions at new year? Nevermind, shall buck the trend, since i do need to..

Anyway, was just pondering and noticing that I've been moody lately.. and have been bothering a whole load of people.. think to change!

yes, so my main resolution for now is to be... a chirp-ier me!! yupz.. shall try harder to do so..

meanwhile those who see/hear me sinking in depression can feel free to knock my head (but not use full force.. can?)

lalalalala...

Here's big kid talking.. =)

In a way, I admit I really behave like a big kid..

Even if I brush away concerns for being mushy.. pretend to overlook, not notice others concerns.. I truly still love being doted upon..

Somehow, Newton's 3rd law doesn't apply to every single thing in real life.. at least not the equal part..

The ones who should be showing concern for you don't.. yet, others whom you least thought need to care, do..

And it doesn't even have to be for major things.. simple gestures can bring tears to one's eyes too..

Like yesterday, when the day seemed to take a turn for the worse, was told of something that made me super touched..

Thanks Mr Yeo.. I really really do appreciate the allowance part.. Thank you..

Action-Reaction force

couldn't help but think of Newton's third law..

the more down you are, the higher you get....

Appreciation

Typed something to this topic yesterday.. wonder what's wrong with blogger..

frankly, whatever I type here, it's just my reflection on something i've read or seen.. nothing to do with how i'm feeling, unless i do leave a disclaimer stating so.. can't possibly expect me to type a disclaimer for every single entry, right?

still.. thanks for all the concern =)

thanks to the 2 unfortunate souls who had to replied my early morning sms yesterday, be it with a forwarded sms or not.. few words do mean quite a bit..

thanks also to the even more unfortunate soul who had his inbox bombarded by sms yesterday (though i'm quite sure he won't chance upon this.. still.. )

sounds like some award presentation huh? thanking this and that.. but it's just my way of saying thanks.. since i don't really seem to say so..

a bit over-high today.. not a very surreal feeling.. hmm..

but feeling quite bad now.. came back and realised my email add is selectively rejecting emails.. must have something to do with my high volume of incoming personal emails.. feel extremely bad now, cause unlike me, the other 2 are doing pupillage.. really do hope nothing happens.. i mean, i can leave after another 2 weeks.. but they'll be staying for quite a while.. really crossing my fingers now..

doubt they'll see this.. but if they do.. hey, really sorry!

Humans and atoms??

Only those with too much time on their hands spend time thinking about boliao matters..

Couldn't help but reflect on a particular association between the two items that I came across on someone's blog today..

What type of atom am I?

Atom with a stable octet structure similar to that of noble gases? Despite my potential coldness to people, the 'doesn't-really-matter' front that i put up occasionally, those who know me better would know my tendency to blow hot and cold.. actually, they don't even have to know me well even.. in fact, all they have to do is to be slightly more observant..

Which makes me a potential atom from between Group I to Group VII.

Somehow, it's amusing how this atom requires a high activation energy, is then able to form super strong bonds with other atoms, but at the same time, this bonds break down relatively fast too..

What a weird atom.. Doubt such element exists..

And then, there is the question of ionic or covalant bonding.. frankly, i really doubt any human-being-atom is capable of only one form of bonding. No doubt, similarity allows people to live together harmoniously, allows for a common topic of discussion. Just think about the times when all forms of human relationship become bland due to distance (and with that, differences).. On the other hand, covalently bonded particles may end up with communication problems too.. cause there's so much in common that everything is kept inside..

So.. the conclusion? I'm an atom from Group 4.5, an unstable in-between atom =)

Disclaimer: The writer (or rather typer, since it's typed and not written..) has NOT been conscienciously reviewing her sec sch and jc1 chemistry knowledge in years.. she does NOT warrant that all the chemical-related analogy are accurate.. In fact, she would like to point out that any chemical-related stuff typed here is merely conjured from her faultful memory =)

Sleepiness on a slack Monday afternoon

Seems like the first time I'm typing an entry in this blog during office hours.. There's really nothing much to do now, after I've read online Straits Times and New Paper, and even TKL's opinions on some website.. Yes, as one can tell, I'm really THAT bored..

Come to think of it, I've really toned down a lot by the time I'm doing attachment here. No more boliao questions like "Do you want me to help you sharpen your pencils?" Instead, I merely ask for work and if there's none, I'll just attempt to keep myself occupied.

Is this a sign of burn-out? I don't know, but I doubt so. Interestingly, a friend just commented about the lack of drive to get up and go to work in the morning. Sometime after lunch today, someone sms-ed me to ask about my previous attachment and the gist of it was how she didn't feel like going to work in a tiny cramp place.

Tiny and cramp? I guess people have different perceptions. No doubt, my first impression of that place was tiny.. as in it was really small.. Yet the feeling it gave me was some homely laid-back office.. not unlike the ones I've pictured in story books.. The feeling was just like a sleepy little place where everything was just.. comfy..

Actually, was very tempted to comment about the fact since she had the chance to see the place before she agreed to do the attachment, there isn't any reason why she should look down on the place even before she starts. I mean, if you detest a place even before you start, then you are never going to like it.. right? Perhaps I myself do not have to right to say it too.. It's so much easier to tell others off and then whine and complain when you meet with the same situation, I guess..

Yet, that draws me to another point.. does size of the place you work at matter? Read in a magazine last week that it does, at least to a law firm.. But, what if it's just deciding where to do pupillage at? Doesn't how one feel matter equally too?

Someone was vehemently disagreeing about this point last Saturday. Yes, I know.. there is no doubt that large firms do give pupils greater exposure and the scale of work is something that small firms would probably encounter. Yet, somehow, the usually non-confident me simply doesn't feel comfortable in a large environment. I'll just feel highly self conscious and be super quiet.. compare it to being in a small place, where even though i'll still feel a bit uncomfortable, I can still warm up to people more quickly and be more bubbly or at least dare to speak up.. In this case, shouldn't I just hole myself up in some smaller environment and be able to learn better, compared to being in a place where I get the chance to be exposed to a lot of matters, yet I don't feel comfortable at all, and not dare to voice out anything? It's so much like the girl I was in sec school compared to jc.. Even my mum thought I looked more cheerful in photos in jc.. especially with all the smiles..

So, should I take the 'by right' route or the 'by left' one? and if 'by left', what should the conclusion for the previous paragraph be? Hmmm....

"The only thing that doesn't change is change"

Sorry.. Simply had to copy it from another friend's blog.. Whoever you are, just hope you won't mind me using this quote..

Finally, Super Sunday came back onto the 2.30pm slot again. Funny.. when most people were enthusiastically following it, I found it quite a dumb show.. Just when I've begin to appreciate the show and the sunshine it brings weekly, the run of the show is over..

Someone once told me, as we get older, the doors to our heart will close, making it impossible for us to make true friends. I brushed it off without much thought then. Come to think of it, there's so much wisdom in that phrase.

If we were to reflect deeply, how many friends can we truly label as the friend we truly care for, and not be with, subconsciously or otherwise, for some other reasons? Can you truly say that someone else is your friend just because of who they are, and not what they are? Even if you were truly friends at the start, are you able to confidently say that you all would remain so for a long while?

People come and go throughout our lives. Those who put in much more end up being hurt much more usually. And so, they grow up becoming more scarred, and more wary of people. It's no longer simply the 'I friend you, I don't friend you' stuff, but more of the 'I don't really like you, but I should still continue to be nice, yah?' And then, the whole human relationship chain becomes wrought with fakeness.. and coldness..

interesting isn't it?

Tired

That word basically sums up what I'm feeling now.. physically tired.. In case anyone is wondering.. my timetable was super packed.. temple, meet Ciyao, send handphone for repairs then tuition.. In fact, got home only at 11+ since was over-stuck at tuition again..

Before I continue, just wondering who the Anonymous person is.. somehow, the tone of it sounds like da ge.. but not very sure.. Whoever you are, can confirm please?? Nevertheless, thanks for the word of encouragement.. really..

Started work a few days ago at Rodyk.. till now, still haven't learnt how to love turning up yet...

Perhaps like what Weiling suggested.. planning doesn't mean you can avoid what you hope to avoid.. shall take things just as they come..

Questions...

Do I have what it takes to be a mentor? After signing up for it, but before I actually turn up for the interview, I'm beginning to doubt myself. Couldn't really connect that well with Nurul and Iffah the last time.. Now that I'm even more irresponsible, should I even attempt to be a mentor?

Got an email regarding pupillage directory being released later.. Which brings to mind whether I should apply for pupillage on my own, or through Income? Feel like working outside for 2 years before I enter Income, but do I have what it takes? Or would Income allow it? Or should I not even go for pupillage? Ann said I should apply through Income, like what my predecessors aka she and Beng Chai (wonder who he is..) did.. But, that would mean I would have to enter Income almost immediately, right? Of course, like what Ann said, no firms would want to take us in for pupillage if we aren't going to stay on after that.. And I can't possibly not tell them about my bond too, right? At the same time, I don't think I'm good enough, so should I apply for pupillage at all?

Which brings to mind what I sms-ed some people months ago.. Somehow, I don't think I have any strengths at all.. What am I good at? What jobs am I more suited for? Why is it that I'm still so lost? Hmm...

Attachment

Yesterday was my last day at work. Come to think of it, I think I'm really one of the weirdos who get work withdrawal symptoms.. okiez, at least this time round, it wasn't as severe as last year when I stopped teaching.. just a slight cannot-help-but-think-about-what's-going-on-at-this-time habit, which I'll outgrow quickly..

Interestingly, I actually managed to feel comfortable within the first week, a super rare occurence considering that my shy and self conscious nature would normally prevent me from truly interacting with strangers until a long long time..

Looking back, can still remember the very first day when I was super super early.. and had to sms Nelson, Koon, Vicknesh in order not to rot even before I started work.. Frankly, 2nd level really seems like a ghost town at 8.30 in the morning.. Then Evin came, saw me, and let me in.. That was the day when she didn't bring her keys and I was left seated at Annie's seat till much later..

Come to think of it, my greatest impression wasn't that much of what I learnt, but more of the interactions with my colleagues. Granted, I did learn some stuff, but on the whole, it doesn't feel much different from working at Income, other than the more comfy feeling..

Interestingly, this time round, I wasn't that easily swayed by others' opinions. Normally, when I am told some bad points about another person, I would treat that person with caution. Yet, this time, I still managed to maintain a neutral stand. It's interesting that some of my colleagues have a mutual dislike for each other, yet, I would not have noticed if I wasn't exactly told. Frankly, I find them all quite ok.. I mean, each one of us have our own way of reacting to a situation.. As long as each side just gives in a little, it's really much fun to work with each other.. Well, then again, I'm not that tolerant either.. Somehow towards the end, rifts began to surface and I began to feel frustrated too...

Hmm... but overall, I still enjoyed working with Evin, Adrian, Annie and Raji... Really...

Wonder what the next attachment would be like..

Thanking my lucky stars

Can't exactly remember clearly what I was told, but it was something along the lines of me being lucky to have such wonderful friends.

Indeed.

Fallen umpteen times. Yet, throughout life's race, I've been pulled along by more than a few hands. Somehow though, I seem to be such a brat, taking these helping hands for granted, and never voicing my true gratitude for the naggings, but instead, just brushing them off..

Actually, I really do love these naggings.. Ok, not in the sense that I love being nagged at for the sake of it.. but more of the fact that, it really feels good to have the feeling that someone else cares enough to nag.. Just that, I guess sometimes I'm just uncomfortable showing my gratitude.. and so, attempt to cover it up by being bochap.. But I do remember them...

Tingting, Derrick, Jo, Gary, Calvin, Alvin, Janet, Guoxing, JianPing.. Thanks for your words of comfort today, when I simply felt super down and lost.. Yet, at the same time, I realised the responses that I got wasn't what I had actually expected..

In any case, don't worry, I'm fine. Just as I get upset in a split second, I recover equally fast too..

In a way, despite all my mean-ess.. I'm quite thankful to have Adrian around too.. All the brainless chatting helped drive away the gloom more quickly too.. Hey, thanks a lot!

Incoherence

Hate that idiotic gal.. the cause of me feeling super frustrated.. and now, I'm thinking of not extending my attachment.. think I need a break from all this...

Realised I'm more and more irresponsible.. but at the same time, have the 'can't-be-bothered' attitude. Got a supposed harsh email from a social worker when I emailed her to tell her I cannot make it for the training after all.. yet, I just feel too tired to feel anything.. in the first place, if they had been more efficient, then things might have turned out different, right? Had to turn away quite a number of volunteers? I wonder if that's so true.. in any case, I realised that I won't be doing much voluntary work in the near future..

i guess i've learnt that doing good deeds/ being nice simply doesn't bring about better rewards.. instead, you could just get yourself into some unfair situation..

realised i've changed a lot... changed for a worse me... i guess it's through the things i see and experience, that made me more and more emotionless.. when i was younger, it was merely the fact that there wasn't anything that i truly particularly like.. then it progressed to the point where i am finally able to be more detached...

someday, hopefully, i'll attain the level of a robot.. Hmm...

*few minutes later*
read my nus email add, and realised another gal i can't stand has just sent an email that i know has something to do with me.. just feel super tired.. can't expect me to call people in the midst of the night, right? if yours truly is free enough to give me missed calls, and send me sms to call you back, perhaps you could call someone else and let the person pass on the message? I have a life too, you know?

i need a break.. i need a break... I NEED A BREAK AWAY FROM EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snippets of my day

Perhaps like what a senior said, albeit a slightly modified version, as long as you can find something that nice in the things you do, everything else would not seem as bad. At that time, and many occasions after that, I found his words interesting, but non-workable, yet, come to think of it, can be quite true in a broader sense too.

Ever started off the day with you dreading it, but because there was a perk at the end of it, you keep on soldiering on.

The day started off less than nicely. When I left the place, there was still a person cursing and grumbling for no reason. Somehow, hate to hear myself being cursed early in the morning. Thankfully I was in a rush, and just left..

As the day progressed, my cough turned from bad to worse. At one point, I really thought I could taste blood. But of course, still had to 'tahan' the cough and survive through the day. After all, it doesn't make much sense to take the day off, right? And it'll mean coming home to see someone mumbling etc. Which meant that it made more sense to stay at work..

Thankfully, Ann called. Asked her yesterday if she wanted to have lunch together. Didn't expect her to agree to today. Quite fun to talk to her. Somehow, you never really know the true face of a person until you get to deal with the person one to one.. I guess..

Somehow, I still think my likes and dislikes are still evident on my face, and the actons I do. There's this girl whom gradually disliking, just couldn't be bothered to answer her some of her questions.

Oh, and the best part was of course, after office hours. Not because I get to skip tuition, but more of cause I got to see friends whom I've not seen for a long long long time.. So even if my colleagues think i'm not in my right mind to see this person but should go home instead, who cares? Afterall, sort of feel much more cheerful-er now..

Real age vs Behaviour

As I was walking home from the MRT station today, a thought just crossed my mind.

This afternoon, someone voiced his disbelief that I am 21+ this year, reason being that I do not have the 21 year old air around me.

Yet, just not long ago, someone else said I'm more matured than others my age.

So, which is it? a big kid? or a overaged youth?

Interestingly, this actually made me realise that my behaviour is such a blatant depiction of the subconcious me, the one that loves to be doted upon yet at the same time wary enough to protect oneself.

Why do I say that?

The ones whom I behave like a kid to.. Almost all of them are older than me, and do behave in such a way that I deem them as older brothers.. People whom I feel comfortable trusting.. and in front of them, I'm actually the true-est of myself, the big kid that I longed to be, but that I couldn't really show..

On the other hand, I only act more matured on occasions where I don't get to be a little kid either because of the environment.. or the people..

Inverse Proportionality

Just in case anyone is interested, here's my less than ideal grades.

LLA4024 AVIATION LAW & POLICY C
LLA4088 BUSINESS & FINANCE FOR LAWYERS B
LLA4100 TOPICS IN COPYRIGHT & DESIGNS C
LLB4069 LAW OF INSURANCE B

Somehow, this is the best I've ever done in my 3 years in law school, yet, I don't feel one bit happy. Firstly, I've always thought my business & finance was good enough for an A, yet I didn't get it.. neither did my aviation get the B i so wanted, after all my preparation for Warsaw and Montreal 1999 Convention. Of course, I do deserve the C that I got for Designs Law.. In fact, I think George Wei is super nice to have given me a C, judging from the crap I turn out. But I guess much as I like George Wei as a tutor, perhaps it's time for me to take a break from any IP stuff..

So, why did I use this title today?

Couldn't help but notice that my studying efforts are inversely proportional to my grades. Last sem, I spent all of my time on Tax Planning and later, Evidence, yet, I ended up doing less than ideal for both. Better still, I did awfully for evidence. Yet, for my other 8 credit module, IP, I studied for 1 day (that includes the numerous lectures that I skipped) and secured a 'B'..

This time, again, my efforts were all focused on aviation, so much so that even Weiling couldn't understand why I sacrifice my 8 credit insurance just for aviation. For all the enthusiasm in that module, a 'C' grade is awfully disappointing.. but, oh well..

Couldn't help but notice how this applies to many other aspects in real life too. Being extra nice to others doesn't guarantee that you would get the same type of treatment too.. Often, we tend to take for granted, those who are so much nicer to us, so much so that we end up offering shoddy treatment..

Perhaps secondary schools in Singapore should focus more on inverse functions instead of direct functions... hmm..

Which is more important? A nice superior or easy to get along colleagues?

Ann's farewell lunch a few weeks ago somehow made me realise that working at Income legal might not be as bad afterall.

After having worked in various places, it suddenly dawned upon me that bosses are one of the most important aspect in ensuring a happier working environment. No doubt, of course, that one needs to be able to work with colleagues, but even if you are super close to your colleagues, your superiors are still the ones who can make or break one's day. Besides, what you see may not be what you get either. Close colleauges may not be as nice as they seem either.

Don't worry, I am not trying to imply anything, or trying to complain about someone who is testing my tolerance limit now. Just that my hotmail inbox drove home the point suddenly.

Received email from Rodyk. Will be starting attachment there on 31st May. For this, I must seriously thank Vincent. I merely emailed Mr Yeo a few minutes before he was due to knock off, and by the next morning, he had already secured an attachment for me. Felt really really thankful..

Of course, with that, the stress that I must perform up to standard so as not to embarass Mr Yeo began to sink in. Considering how dumb and blank-mind-ness I've been lately, it's time I get more sleep just to revive my almost dead brain cells.

For one thing, this episode just made me realise that working in Income is not that bad afterall. No matter how much I can't stand that irritating Mdm Han, Flora etc.. having a wonderful superior like Mr Yeo more than makes up for the not-so-nice working environment and bad job prospects. Perhaps that's one crucial deciding factor as to whether I'll stay on in Income..

Consciousness vs Subconsciousness

Saw this on a friend's blog, something thought provoking, yet at the same time, I couldn't really comprehend.

"Clear your mind. Think about the person. Then think about one good thing that the person has done for you. At this point in time what is the very first thing that comes to mind? Be honest. Then think about one bad thing that the person has done to you. Again what is the very first feeling, impression or word that surfaces?

In both instances, if you are truly honest, it should be something similiar. Because you can really only feel one thing about a person at a time subconsciously."
(my apologies to Gary for infringing his copyright in the work.. by the way, Gary, if you are reading this, perhaps you could enlighten me on what something similar means?)

Perhaps it's just cause I lack the ability to feel, somehow, for most people I know, I can only think about either one good thing, or one bad thing... but not both. Better still, for others, I couldn't even come up with anything!

Interestingly too, for the real handful whom I could come up with a good and a bad.. the things are not exactly similar either.. and it couldn't be my consciousness coming into play either.. esp since both thoughts just popped up immediately..

Even more interesting.. this test seems more apt for figuring out which of the people around you mean more to you.. Somehow, it does say something when certain names just pop up immediately as you read through.. at least one name did..

Coincidentally, read that after I had a dream the night before. Was hit upon the realisation that that certain person had joined a cult, which accounted for the person being a totally different one from what I knew. And the feeling of a close friend lost hurt.. Can still vividly remember myself crying and crying in the dream..

Weird dream isn't it? Do hope that this is not a sign of a greater deterioration of a once close friendship. The last time I had an equal weird dream about the same friend, almost immediately after, we became drastically less close..

Time to keep my fingers crossed on this.. and also for my exam results..

Growing up

What does growing up mean?

That one's temperament has toned down? That the surrounding changes occur so fast that one can hardly be surprised? That a person starts to conform even more?

Perhaps that's why Mr Ling comes across as a really calm, nice-person figure...

So, have I grown up?

Judging from some of my previous entries, I'm still capable of my extremist temperament.. Awfully upset over what I think is unfair and absolutely happy over some really minor things.

When someone irritated me at work yesterday, was quite surprised that i didn't even boil inside.. could even continue to give frozen smiles to everyone, even though i'm no longer as truly cheery.. yet, i'm sure none could have noticed the difference either..

Hypocrite.. what an apt description that Gary used..

Throughout life, almost everyone has shown a different side of themselves to others.. not necessary to conform, but sometimes, to build up a fortress to protect the vulnerable us.. when the going gets tiring, we just break down in front of a small selected group..

wonder which is worse.. crumbling under pressure? or being extreme and subjected to being hurt?

Interestingly, Potato and I touched upon this topic whilst chatting sometime last week..

Perhaps I did grow up too quickly in the past, such that I don't seem to grow up now, when everyone else seems to be. Perhaps I'm just trying to reverse my growth.. Or better still, did anyone actually think that perhaps I just like the feeling of being younger, and being at the receiving end of the care and concern? Hmm...

Unexpected Responses

Guess I surprised a few people with a number of my previous entries.. Frankly, when I inserted this website in my icq details, I never thought anyone would actually notice.

Many things in life are just there, it merely depends on whether we choose to see it or not. Interestingly, some book I read this week had a part about humans not seeing supernatural things because they chose not to see it. Not that there's total truth to it, but somehow it brings to mind that humans often exercise their rights to pretend that something is non-existence. Or perhaps life is too fast pace for us to take our time to see and feel..

Nevertheless, people really do have different perceptions. A person whose husband, the sole breadwinner of the family, had just died whilst trying to save others. This woman now has to come out to work to support her 2 young children. Who would have thought that she would actually step forward to stop funds from flowing in, and to remind the public that there are others who need the money as well?

It's always so easy to say that this is what is correct. Yet, for all we know, once we are in her shoes, few of us would be able to muster that courage. Imagine. Two kids in primary school. As a mum, she would have wanted to the best for her kids. All the donations would have ensured that they would not have to suffer. Yet, after having agreed to halt the search for her husband in view of others safety, she is now doing something else that most of us would be incapable of doing.

Perhaps, like what WenHong and YanQing said, living a simple life is still the best of all.

True selfless-ness is when you readily give up something that will have a large detrimental effect on you. A level that I've not attained, and doubt I'll ever will.

In this respect, I salute Mr and Mrs Heng for their absolute selfless-ness.

Should teachers be allowed to use corporal punishments?

That godsis who made the police report, in my humblest opinion, must be a pai kia.. either that, or an awful teacher..

Most of us would have been hit on the palm with rulers etc by teachers, but did that do us any harm? I doubt so. In fact, most of us have turned out well..

So why the hooha over hitting the head of a girl who has gotten into trouble with the school 20 times? If the principal did not care about her, he would not have gotten worked up, trust me. The fewwhom I didn't bother to raise my voice at when they were awful, it just meant that I couldn't be bothered with them. People like Kok Sheng, whom I seem to be scolding every single lesson, it was just because I really dote on the students and want them to follow the right route. If every educator just focus on teaching school related subject and expel undesirable students (as quite a number of schools seem to be doing now), our students will be even worse off!

Which brings to mind, my teachers in CHIJ (Ponggol). Which other school actually emphasises the need for students to be polite to our school caretaker and cleaners? Come to think of it, we must have look real adorable when the entire class walks past the caretaker's room or the cleaners' room in the morning etc... Or, the times when we were scolded for being not polite/ bad manners etc.. for the entire lesson.. Few people would have heard of a class being sent back to class for not saying 'thank you' to the person holding the door for us..

And if one wants examples of corporal punishments, then hitting our palms for not memorising our sentences and meanings well enough for Chinese, not bringing our things should come well under that category. Yet, all of us knew that we deserved it. In fact, if my memory doesn't fail me, some of us even offered our rulers for the teachers to hit us. Dumb, but true.

Some ignorant parents may like to note that, as a result of the scoldings, punishments (some really innovative and bizarre ones, which they would have categorised them as humiliation, but it was, to us, just our fault) the batch of us became better gals, who know the importance of treating others, irregardless of their positions, with respect, know our school work better and interestingly, not to stamp our feet when walking.. (I'm sure all CHIJ (Ponggol) girls would understand why..)

To all my teachers and relief teachers from Pri 1/2 Faith, 3/4 Peace, 5/6 Love, 老师， 谢谢您!

Nothing in life is certain
Didn't intend for this space to be a real journal, but shall indulge myself once in a while and type about my day. Anyway, just to update, been on internship since the beginning of the week and interestingly, I didn't feel out of place or uncomfortable, at least not as bad as all previous occasions..

Keagan Kang
Somehow, that meeting was thought provoking. The things he said, all felt so real. Could almost feel what he had felt. Somehow though, my gut feeling says Adrian wasn't super impressed by those emotions. But seriously, the things that Keegan said, in a way, indirectly, became really good advice...

Ann's leaving Income
Got a surprised when I saw Irene's sms today. I mean, Ann had been saying she wanted to break bond and was telling me that I should since long time ago. When she's still there after 2 years, it just didn't cross my mind that she would really carry that out. But she did. And legal has once again produced another bond breaker. Guess their eyes are now fixed on me, to see if I would join my predecessors in their shoes.

In a way, after working at various places, I still can't help but agree with Ann that Vincent is the best manager one could have. Perhaps that's one plus point about working in Income, that is, if I do get to join legal instead of claims..

Had lunch with MS1 people today, actually, it felt more like legal lunch, cause I basically ignored the secretarial people and mdm han. Don't think they really realised it anyway. But it was fun. In fact, I was really hoping that we'll be in City Hall area through lunch, so that I could pop by Income. Didn't pop by, but at least got to meet up with everyone, especially Ann whose last day is tomorrow.

Often we make so many plans, but in the end, the route we choose may not be the one that we've set our sights on..

the lessons I learnt from the Nicoll Highway incident

1. Forget about the things we learnt in Moral Science. Being nice and good DOESN'T pay. Being selfish does. This means that if there ever is any disaster, RUN. never bother to turn back to save others. You'll only get yourself killed, and your fellow countrymen will can't be bothered to look for your body. You'll even have some head of the country telling your family "Aww.. it's sad.. but you should be glad that few people died" How wonderful.

2. Before this, Singapore was MY country, MY home. Now, it's but a place that I live in, the place which provides for me at the moment. As linked to the previous point, please do NOT expect me to protect Singapore from invaders. I do not want to be imprisoned as a POW or get killed by enemies, and then have my leaders telling the country, we shall NOT save her, because it'll be to the disadvantage of our country. We should forget her existence. Yupz, this is what I predict will happen.

3. Finally, used to believe that all Singapore stuff were great.. our Home Team, our defence. Now, I don't. I just know, our Home Team is damn 'efficient'... I don't expect them to save me if I were to get into any problems.. It's just ME and MYSELF that I can depend on... How lovely..

Finally.. the whole saga taught me one thing, that from now on, I'll be as selfish as possible, and also as emotionless as possible. That's the best way to ensure my survival, even if it's at the expense of others. It doesn't pay to help others, especially in Singapore.

Sad to conclude, I'm ashamed of my country..

There is NO such thing as a class from hell

My apologies for such a strongly worded title... Still worked up over what an ex-classmate said yesterday..

HATE those people who go round saying they're worried about how to deal with their students, cause they HEARD that one of their classes is from hell, and then contradict themselves by insisting that they are not pre-biased against the students even before starting.. Of course, there are others eg. C. Ong who goes round telling anyone who is willing to listen how the students are just pieces of shit... Was soo tempted to tell her, if your students are shit, then perhaps you are too.. Cause only shit teachers like you will produce students that you would want to call shit...

Isn't it interesting how adults LOVE to condemn people? Like YCSS teachers saying that their students are not well behaved when we went for our first mentoring sessions.. HSS teachers made their students sound like an awful bunch of kids etc.. What's wrong with our current system? Perhaps we need to SACK these teachers cause what they want is merely their pay and not to mould the future.. If there's one reason why I don't want to send kids to Singapore school, it's not because of the supposed stress, but more importantly, the standard of our teachers have dropped drastically..

Suddenly thought of the CVSS people, cause of what YZ said that pissed me off.. Bet he would label most of the classes unpleasantly, considering how much headache/voiceless afternoons i had to endure. Still, frankly, I won't consider them as horrid.. The things they do.. though irritating, but sometimes, they are cute in their way.. Not all bad students are truly bad.. what they want is merely attention.

Remember Kok Sheng running to 'capture' Robin for bullying another of their classmates and then bringing Robin to me? The time when Kar Hao 'threw a tantrum' and refused to get out when i wanted to send him out of the music room? Or the usually serious Chin Ray, waving to me across the other block, just at the very moment when i was feeling blue? Or Xiao Qiang and Weiquan scampering about my class? The time when Wenzhao wanted to help me get the Malay boys quiet, but in the end incurred their wrath and I had to protect him instead? The noise-making lessons of 2B, 2C.. Yiyu climbing chairs and getting scolded by me... or Yeow Kiat's perfect behaviour in MY class.. Or simply, witnessing Chee Siong and Nicholas changing from mischievous ones to studious students.. Weiming and Meng Wee sportingly performing their Zhao Cai Mao...

No doubt they did give me loads of headache... in fact, I always feel like fainting after Monday and Wed lessons.. Yet, I looked forward to these days too.. In fact, I really do miss those days, even if I had to scold, shout day in day out... They were really adorable.. really.. all of them.. They are the ones who could chase away my blues.. just the sight of them..

There's really no one awful student.. Just a lack of understanding and ability to communicate with the students..

I won't mind re-living those times again..

PS: In case you happen to chance upon this, YZ, this is just an official warning that you will be officially IGNORED until further notice... This is just a blatant note, in case you fail to detect others ie. my.. displeasure..

Character Traits of Guys that one should steer clear from

1. Gamblers. That includes those who bet a small amount each time. You'll never know what incorrect stuff they teach younger ones. The more easily influenced kids may even take the wrong path!

2. Guys that make gals cry. (Like what I usually say, though politically wrong, once a bad guy always a bad guy)

3. Suspicious guys. Well, unless you LOVE being restricted in everything you do, and then end up with no friends...

4. Petty/ Stingy. That pretty much ties in with the 1st point. Gamblers are USUALLY petty/stingy.

5. MCP. If you are going to throw away your money, the least you could do is NOT complain/verbally abuse your spouse and children for their ability to EARN MONEY (believe me, no one LOVES going out to work and having to withstand other people's tempers) In case you are wondering, your spouse and children ARE capable of earning their own money, paying for travelling expenses including yours. So if you want to shout the whole flat down to let the whole world know how capable they are, so be it! And don't go round blaming your spouse for not being able to control your spending habits when in the first place, you'll cause another explosion IF your spouse tries to do that..

6. Guys who borrow money from their other half, and better still, dare to still scold/shout at the gal with regards to that sum. (That's why i couldn't be bothered anymore when you refused to listen to my advice, J. Believe me, it's a recipe for disaster)

7. Loudspeakers cum parrots. Remember, get a guy who has a softer voice than you... then your ear drums won't burst.. and your headache won't be aggravated.

8. Those who LOVE non-living things more than living things. Those who are plain selfish, doesn't care even if the rest of the world is unwell/unhappy etc. All they think of is ME.. Me.. ME!

9. Suspicious. ALL humans are entitled to mix with others, including you. Having good friends doesn't mean they like others more than you. Not BARKING the whole place down doesn't mean they are talking behind your back, well, unless you think you deserve it..

10. Guys with family history of madness and have a perchant for vulgarities (basically includes everyone, not only to guys, I guess. From my experience, madness/craziness IS hereditary..)

Yupz.. that's basically all... for now.. Till I think of more, tata~

Disclaimer.. I mean Claimer w/o the Dis: In case anyone wonders, quit wondering, YES, it does have something to do with what happened, but don't worry, I'm fine.. albeit from having a temperature fluctuating between 37.1 and 37.2... severe headache... and other cold symptoms...

2 down, 1 to go!!

yupz, just like what the title says, Aviation and Insurance papers are over, just one more Copyright paper to go!

While most people are happy that the sem is coming to an end soon, once again, I feel a tinge of yi1 yi1 bu4 she3.. imagine I was actually going to drop Aviation during the 'fishing' period.. Luckily I didn't... the module is now ranked as my FAVOURITE module, and so is the lecturer.. (okiez, which brings my favourite tutors in school to 3 now!) Somehow, the tutors actually play a part in making me actually ENJOY my revision.. Nevertheless, old habits die hard.. My apologies for turning in rather trashing assignments, with the exception of Insurance, this sem (Greatest apologies to Prof Wei esp.. Somehow, just knew that my Copyright assignment was atrocious, even w/o checking my grades.. ) Which reminds me that I am still NOT going to check my grades YET...

(ok, this part might sound arrogant, but believe me, it's not meant to be) Now that i've only a year left in school, realised that i should have actually added slightly more effort to study, and make friends.. the study part esp.. afterall, like what my mum says, i'm actually quite smart, just plain lazy.. i mean, if i can garner a B for my 8 credit copyright just by studying HARD one day before my paper when i skipped about 80% of the lectures, i could have done decently in my 3 years in law school.. unlike now, when i've to think of how i should react in interviews.. (that is, if they grant me interviews in the first place) Sadly though, even though i know i can do ok by making a bit more effort, it's so much xin1 you3 yu2 and li4 bu4 zu2...

of course, the BEST part was, i almost didn't go for my aviation paper on Tues!! Kept having the FALSE impression that 13th = Wednesday, so much so that i cancelled today's tuition, so that i could study for my insurance paper the next day.. Thankfully, i had a weird feeling at 1am on 13th, and decided to check the date on my handphone.. Imagine my SHOCK when i realised it was the 13th!!!!!! Phew, I've 95% finished my aviation, thankfully and my Warsaw, Montreal 1999 Conventions.. The only lacking was glancing through my Rome Convention (thanks to the 1929 authors who did such a 'good; job that most countries refused to ratify or have already denounced it and so it's rendered almost not important) and my Chicago Convention (but the 5 freedoms are already imprinted in my brain) and the Tokyo (no thanks to Sept 11, this question came out and I'm pretty sure my answer went out of point) and Cape Town Convention.. Still, I hope i did justice to my love for the module... since i'm only pretty sure I did very well for the 1st question, but not so for the 2nd.. *keep fingers crossed that Prof Tan will give more weightage to the 1st paper..*

Still, thanks Tim, for trying to calm me down through sms-es.. else my adrenaline level would be even higher, resulting in a greater extent of insomia... =)

Nevertheless (realised i kept using nevertheless, further, however in my essays today.... time to use a thesaurus...) the adrenaline level was still high yesterday, considering that all focus seemed to be on my pet module even though like what Weiling pointed out, insurance is my 8-credit module, unlike aviation which only counts for 4-credit... Of course, not forgetting, I better get some decent grades to send to NTUC Income, can you imagine a potential future legal officer with a awful grade in insurance? And I won't dare to face Vincent Yeo.. yah? But i managed to revise through thoroughly (okiez.. it's in my opinion.. so according to Economides case, all i need is honest opinion with some basis for that opinion.. doesn't matter whether it's reckless or not)...

Which reminds me, I'm getting dumber these days.. To think I heard Prof Tan wrongly (hee... the microphone to be blamed.. there's something wrong with it... it's almost inaudible...) and thought that we started earlier and our paper would end 15 minutes earlier than stipulated. 90% finished my 1st question at 1015, panicked cause I realised I had only 1 hour left and so starting speeding up.. then 20minutes before the actual end of my paper, when I was 85%, some niggling thought made me check the whiteboard. True enough, we started the paper 5 minutes later than stipulated, so it's supposed to end 5 minutes later.. How 'smart' of me.....

Nevertheless, the paper was GOOD.. for the 1st time in 3 years, I actually finished my paper to my own satisfaction.. couldn't say i was totally satisfied given that i could have churned out an even more thorough paper, but it was still good.. Wonder if Prof Yeo had something against bungee jumping.. Haha.. her hypothetical was soo long and just as I've guessed (actually, it was obvious, otherwise there wouldn't be any claims and she can't set much of a question) there was to be a horrific accident.. Prof Poh's essay was nice and short... and as he said, was more seminar-friendly style.. Now, let's hope that I gather something ok for this to show Income...

Exams!
Here's my exam timetable... Better remember it.. To think I thought the afternoon paper starts at 2pm..

LLA4024 - Aviation Law and Policy Moot Court Seat 32 13/04/2004 9:00 AM
LLB4069 - Insurance Law Eusoff Hall Function Room Seat 99 14/04/2004 9:00 AM
LLA4100 - Topics in Copyright and Design Moot Court Seat 56 21/04/2004 1:00 PM


Sigh.. Topics in Copyright Assignment should be out.... don't dare to check, so I'm not checking..

Aviation Assignment is out too... just read Alan Tan's email... don't dare to check either..

Beginning to think that I've no guts to check all my personally-feel-not-so-well-done assignments..

I'm really sorry, Mr Yeo, but I really am not as good as you all think... Don't dare to go back to face you all... yet at the same time, it'll be good to have a job...

Here's a song that I love... I mean the lyrics especially... So apt...
If only I could get my hands on the cd.. sigh..


青春的故事
曲：Iskandar Ismail | 词：郑华娟

家里到课堂 永远迟到慌张 成绩单要往哪里藏
不要批评我的智商 有太多期望 想带着玩具 到处流浪

年轻的心中 有太多事不懂 努力 和全世界沟通
或许 随时让你脸红 快乐 是彼此容忍的心胸

美丽的恋曲 发生在漫画里 熬夜K 书 梦不到你
虽然我正值青春期 却很讲道理
约会就说要去补习 成长的难处 我们一起克服
埋怨 只教人更孤独 不管 梦想如何离谱
关心 是鼓励唯一的路途

别以为我不在乎 面无表情叫做酷
如果你还愿意 听我倾诉 温柔地 做我心灵守护

困难一起克服 埋怨 只教人更孤独
不管 梦想如何离谱 关心 是鼓励唯一的路途

成长的道路 通往勇敢国度

Time Changes Everything?
It's amazing how 10 years can cause a person to switch from one extreme to another..

This time 10 years ago, the Singapore soccer team was still playing in the Malaysia Premier League, and they had a fan in this girl who would following their matches fervently, yes, even more fervently than her schoolwork.

10 years later, the Singapore soccer team played against Japan. This time round, the girl had finally given up on the national team after being disappointed time and again over the 9 years. No longer did she jump for joy at seeing Indra scoring a goal against the stronger Japan team, or wince at the sight of the first goal scored by Takahara. Instead, things went in the reverse. Interestingly, the first 11 couldn't be considered to have changed greatly, considering that more than 10% (Nazri Nasir and Aide Iskandar)belonged to the team that she loved so much..

So why the change?

It is common for people to say that time heals wounds. Actually, time doesn't directly heal wounds. It's more of a change of perception, a change of angle at viewing a situation that makes people think that the wound has been healed.

10 years.. No doubt changes are bound to happen, yet some things never change.. a good match by the national team still continues to make the girl's day.. only that now, it no longer totally overrides her obligation to her schoolwork..

Unlike others who were surprised by the good performance of our national team and saw the glimmer of hope, I saw nothing surprising in their performance on Wednesday night. It is NORMAL for the Lions to outperform themselves when they're the underdogs, and 'out-disgrace' themselves when they're touted to win.

So until the national team proves that they are capable of unwavering grit and determination, the 1994 team will continue to live on as the girl's 'Dream Team'..


Disclaimer: This article is merely inspired by the Singapore-Japan match where Singapore was beaten 1-2. It does NOT reflect the author's mood in anyway. =)

Turning Back Time (Part II)

Let's see.. Stopped at 1st three months life yesterday..

As I was saying, I won't have changed my decision to to go to the same school.. The people I met there, some have left everlasting impressions.. impressions that still remain even after my forced-blocking of memory back in jc.. Doubt I'll have a senior anywhere else who would have reminded me to speak up.. To whoever you are, thanks a lot.. You know, you were the first and only person who actually told me that.. Thanks for being such an optimistic character... Though we don't really know each other, but some of the things you said were really of great wisdom.. Thanks for making a GREAT role model, and of course, thanks for the packet of biscuits when I was really down.. I was really really touched at that time..

Of course, there's one thing that needs changing too... like I've said before, I would have learnt to treasure my friends more... Lijia, I know you made a great friend, yet, I didn't really know how to treasure the friendship till years later...

NJC Life: Used to ask myself, would things have been very different had I followed that senior's advice and appealed to go into Arts stream instead.. Afterall, whatever that I'm studying now doesn't really require any Science knowledge either, right?

But, no.. I still love Biology, still love Physics... still love Science basically, even if my knowledge of them sux.. and no.. though there was a possibility that I could continue to indulge in the friendships I made there, but frankly, the friends I made at NJ... and the various memories... are things that I'll simply not exchange.. Even if I hated a number of things in NJ... cause all these memories and friends more than adequately made up for the unhappy stuff...

And if it weren't for my awful grades, I won't have enrolled into TMC in anticipation of doing awfully in A levels, and won't have known a bunch of people like Joanne, Jon, Itak, Darmaji, right? Was fun being the top in the class almost all the time, and doing crazy stuff with Joanne and Grace, even if Grace pissed me off quite a bit towards the end. But, Itak and Darmaji, thanks for being really great korkors.. thanks for cheering me up when I was down, and giving me loads of encouragement, then and now... though I wonder how's Darmaji doing now.. Hey, what on earth happened to you? You disappeared!?! Still, really miss the late night chats/sms-es...

BUT of course, one never learns to appreciate things until they're not present.. Ever notice that the one thing that I regret most throughout the various stages in life is not treasuring people?

Turning Back Time

Wasn't kidding when I sms-ed that as my wish when the DJ asked listeners to call in with their wishes..

When young, time seemed to pass slowly, especially during the holidays, so much so that I'll even end up dreaming about school. Yet now, time seemed to slip away from my hands and only when it's out of my reach do i attempt to grasp it to no avail..

If I were to turn back time, what would I change?

Primary School Life: Would I want to work harder and be less of a die-hard fan of our Lions in the M'sia Cup? Probably if I had worked even harder, I might have gotten higher grades.. Then again, probably not. In any case, I'll never trade my beautiful memories for better grades. Remember the goal that Man Hon scored against Kedah, that I didn't get to see? Or Steven Tan's superb goal that allowed us to beat Pahang at the very last moment? The time when Tong Hai marked John Hunter perfectly, and John Hunter broke down after losing the match? Or that Brunei's goalkeeper, Ian Gray's rice bowl hair-style? With approximately 2 matches per week, there was always something to look forward to..

Of course, how could I ever forget our name calling? With Miss Wong out of the class for a moment, leaving us to do our umpteenth test, across the class conversations like "Ehz, Saswa, how to do question 19?" Or the mere mention of the number 15 or 8 would make Winnie and I turn to each other instinctively.. Or even better still, Mdm Kok standing outside Miss Wong's class, saying "tong xue men, xie zhuo wen shi qing bu yao yong ou xiang de ming zi, ru guo fu cheng, lin dong hai.. " And who could forget Winnie shouting over the fence "Hello Tong Hai!"

Nope, I'll never want to change that...


Secondary School Life: Perhaps if I really needed to change, it'll definitely start with my secondary school life. For one thing, I would have been more conscientious about my work, I guess.. Without proper foundation, the whole of sec sch plus jc studying life was tough..

Friends wise, I would learn to treasure them too.. Realised that Yanxiang and I stopped keeping in contact by the time we got to sec 2.. and it was only in sec 4 when she had an accident that I saw her again.. and by then, we were really very much like strangers.. Perhaps we weren't really that that close in primary school too.. Insensitive me never realise that many of the stuff that Yanxiang did seemed to be accomodating me.. Her interest in soccer in pri 6 was mainly due to me too.. Still remember once I forgot to do Mdm Kok's homework, and was totally freaked out.. Yanxiang offerred me her hw during Miss Wong's class, and kept helping me keep a look out.. Yanxiang, even though we aren't that good friends anymore, I'm really really thankful to have had you as my closest friend in class, allowing us to call you "Man Hon", showing an interest in whatever I was interested in, and basically giving in to me.. Thank you for being a really great friend.. really.. and I really do miss the times when we had so much to say...

1st 3 months life: On hindsight, would I have chosen RJC again if I knew I would end up in NJC later on and suffer much heartbreak due to the uprooting? Perhaps if I had gone to NJ right at the beginning, I would have continued to be a happy person, who would not be soo depressed and give up on herself, which led to my dismal grades throughout the 2 years..

BUT, the only thing I would have chosen to do if I could turn back time is to not forcibly block out the entire 3 months worth of memory.. Come to think of it, those were beautiful times too.. and my forced forgettery only served to leave a huge vacuum in my life now (yes.. interestingly, I really can't remember 95% of the things that happened already.. )

Yet, if I had not gone to RJ, I wouldn't have known all the interesting personalities there.. Derrick, HRM, IL, Lijia.. My closest friend throughout the entire jc life, and the person i trusted most then, was from RJ... Without that friend's neverending encouragement, I won't have reached where I am today.. Thanks for your various treats in order to entice me to do better.. and the letter-writings during A levels.. You know, when you didn't do that well, and felt upset that you couldn't get into the faculty that you wanted to go to, I felt upset and totally guilty too.. If only i hadn't bother you during the exams.. if only my 'good luck' had worked as well as yours did.. Perhaps if I could turn back time, and had magically powers, I would have gladly exchanged my 'A's for your 'B's.. in that way, you would be able to get into med fac, and fulfilled your childhood dream, right? perhaps you would have become a more confident you, instead of the doubtful you that you are now.. Perhaps I would not have felt totally hurt at the words you uttered that showed clearly your discontentment at me being in this fac now.. Perhaps I would then not have doubted whether you were truly a friend, since someone else told me that a friend would NEVER want his/her friend to do worse.. Perhaps it's cause of all the things that have transpired, that I really truly want to know if i was a good friend to you, or merely another person who's lousy grades boost your ego, and one whom you'll feel less inferior to..