This shall be the last time....

I'll allow myself to contribute to the reservoirs because of you.

Come to think of it, you're the only friend who has made me tear-ed up more than once and still survive through the usual yellow cards that I love dishing out to people. Why? Because you were one of those who helped me survive through JC? Because I'm grateful for the times when you were always there to cheer me on, make me smile? I don't know. But what I do know is, for all these reasons, you ended up having been one of those friends who really mattered a lot...

Still remembered the first time I ended up tear-ing, it was just before you entered uni and had just received your latest posting results. Instead of letting me show concern, you effectively pushed my concern away with your "good what, you're in law school" and your "law student" snide remarks, as though being a law student was some terrible fault of mine, making me not worthy to be your friend. I've heard those snide remarks before, from some primary school schoolmates when I was in RGS, but that didn't hurt as badly, cause they were not my friends. But from you? I've always wanted to know, but I know I'll never get the answer from you... Am I that not worth it as a friend? You've even made it very clear, whether on purpose or not, in one of your latest blog entries when you said you met up with ALL your friends, after cancelling the word "most". Yeah, I'm not your friend, that's why you didn't have time to meet up for dinner at all after agreeing to it. Why? Cause there were more important people whom you had to meet on a daily basis. Call me petty, jealous if you want, but yes, it showed how unimportant an acquaintance I am, and yes, it hurts.

Frankly, after the 1st incident, I should have known better and struck you off my important friends list. You remarked once in jc that we've not had any storms in our friendship and we should create one to make it more interesting? Congrats, you managed to do so not long after that. Why? Do grades really matter that much? Must I really be dumb-er in terms of grades in order to be a friend?

But like what I kept telling my other friends, I'm idiotically useless. Despite all that, I was still reminded of a dream I had at 18 years old, a scary dream where the tears in it felt so real I can still remember how upset I felt about losing that friend in that dream. And so, even if I've said long ago in another entry about removing excess baggage (yes, I was referring to you), I still couldn't help but find time to get you that and then deliver it to your place, even when I was really tired last night.

Talking about last night, I'm beginning to wonder whether I was really lying when I wrote that it didn't matter to me whether you decide to bring it along to US or not. Well, at least at the time of writing, I thought I was lying. I mean, if I couldn't be bothered, I wouldn't have even bothered getting it and delivering it. But then, when you said you still had space in your luggage, it's light and so you can always bring it along, I wasn't that happy either. It felt a lot more like a stab, now that I've decided to make myself write you off. Even when you offered to walk me to the bus stop and keep me company whilst I wait for the bus, it felt a lot more like stabs, reminding me of what the long time friendship could be, but will never be. Yeah, and I acted cool by refusing it firmly. But you know what? The moment you went off, the useless tears started to roll (discreetly?) for the demise of a friendship and refused to stop until a long while later..Useless right? Well, at least I'm proud of the fact that I stood my ground about not sending you off even if I woke up quite a no. of times and was consciously aware of the time.

Whatever the case, yes, a particular person can be proud that she's won hands down. But it's ok, I'm not that unworthy a friend to some others who'll still dote on me and share the ups and downs of their lives, right?

In any case, I'm really happy to note that you've made more friends at your previous jobs, given how you didn't seem to have a lot of friends who were truly concerned about you before that (save for the 2 of your closest friends).

And even if you're never going to see this, take care of yourself yah? Try making a few more allies whilst you're there so that the 18 months will be much more enjoyable, yah?