Reveriez reverie-ing
 
Argh! It must have been years since I've typed an entry, so much so that the earlier post that I typed turned out blank! But well, it does proves my earlier unpublished point on how things not remaining stagnant in time.
 
Memory is such an interesting thing.. Why do we all have indelible memory or better still, not have forgettory instead? Why do people actually think that happy memories are cherished ones, and sad memories are best forgotten? Sadly, happy memories are sometimes the culprit leading to a person's downfall. Just because the current happenings pale in comparison with those happy memories, some tend to be totally absorbed in them, neglecting the more important NOW.. Of course, these treasured memories can't be totally faulted either.. They are equally capable of bringing some warmth into rainy cold days too..
 
Cliche as it sounds, time does fly.. It's been a year since the last Racial Harmony Day came and left.. When I came across the entry in a friend's blog, somehow, I could clearly remember the classes I took that day last year, and even some of the clothes donned by them. And it's already been a year.. A blurry one in fact.. Interestingly, I do miss them a bit every now and then still...
 
And yes, SMP training yesterday. For some unknown reason, I was just totally drained at the end of it.. I can't say the 3 social workers did not make any effort.. In fact they did. The newspapers balls were really well made, as compared to the ones Victor used then. In fact, they remained perfectly in shape after our numerous bad aiming. Yet, at the same time, the training was all so familiar.. I could even predict what they would do next for the games, yes.. that was how similar it was..
 
Would I make a better mentor this time round? I really don't know. In fact, I can still remember blurly the messiness of our first session then.. Haven't heard from Iffah in years.. Nurul, well she called.. but I haven't been able to get her since..
 
Camp next week... but I really feel drained already..

contradiction
2 tests from the same website with almost opposing results..

Somehow, I think the angry soul one is realy quite accurate though..

Congrats! Your a Pure Angel! Angels, as far as most of them go, are all compatabile creatures, but Pure ones simply are symbols of God. Pure Angels always appear when a child is born, when a rainbow is seen, or when someone shares their first kiss. They never grow old, an can appear in the shape of a naked woman with white, bold wings. Pure angels are the carriers of god, and
show their love to everyone in the world.

You have an angry soul! Angry Souls arent always angry, but they cannot easily forgive and hold grudges. You probably often get in fights with your friends and family, and its difficult for you to understand. When someone makes a mistake, you don't let go easily and hold on to those memories. Your very stubborn and your rage is known to everyone. Though you never actually mean it, you can say mean things in a fight and go over board. Many people are sometimes intimidated by your anger. But you have many redeeming qualities and those are that you are quite intelligent and smart. You would make a good businesswoman or lawyer because you know how to prove your point. You cherish the ones around you, and appreciate life, even though you can complain or throw a tantrum now and then. The good things is, you keep your emotions very outspoken, and are normally a very happy person because all your rage is let on the outside. Anger is simply a state, but you, yourself as a person, are great.

RGCO concert
Never thought a concert that I wasn't exactly super keen on going could invoke such strong lingering emotions in me..

How long ago was it when I was there, one of the green monsters as kor would call me, absorbing the excitement, irritation etc.. All those feelings of being forced to appear for practices, rehearsals.. the numerous grumblings.. and the final elation at the end of everything..

Saw a junior up on stage.. Was already sec 4 when she joined.. Unlike all the rest, I did not take part in initiating her into erhu section.. but seeing her today, couldn't help but think.. she was a total newbie then.. and now, she's so much more an accomplished player than me..

not that I was awfully upset.. in fact, i just felt numb.. almost like i wanted to, yet couldn't feel a thing.. and it didn't exactly help meeting Daphne and Jamie.. a future successful doctor.. and another who's just informed me that she'll be doing her pupillage at Khattar Wong..

Somehow, this pupillage thing IS getting to me.. can't believe my guts when I actually typed out what I truly thought to Mingyi.. of course, I lied at the end so as not to seem so awfully rude and mean, but in case you are wondering, yes Mingyi, like what you said, it's really totally true that I cannot work with the current Mingyi. Actually, I would prefer it even more if you would just leave me alone and NOT pretend to be so knowing.. in case you haven't noticed, i'm merely 2 years YOUNGER than you, but that does not mean I'm not capable of sorting and deciding my own life without your interference. I'm totally entitled to do whatever i WANT to do, without you commanding me to.. In any case, only those whom i treat as my closer friends are ENTITLED to poke their noses into my affairs.. and I'm quite sure the person you are right now is nowhere near to gaining that right, now, or anytime soon.. so please wait till you are somewhere near that before you meddle in MY affairs.. so for goodness sake, LIN MINGYI can you please LEAVE ME ALONE and keep your mouth shut unless you have better stuff to say?

One week of slacking...

Just recieved the cheque from Rodyk.. it's more than what I thought.. =)

Wasn't in a good mood earlier today.. came online twice to see if certain people were online.. did see one out of the list.. but in the end still didn't feel like talking.. hmm...

Pupillage application next week.. hmm...

Happy Belated Birthday......

Somehow I've been humming Ocean's Gu Dan Bei Ban Qiu for the whole day..

Someone whom I really look up to just celebrated his birthday a few days ago. Wonder how he has been for the past one year.. Interestingly, even though he hasn't appeared on icq for the past few years, there were a few times when it would have been great to have him online to chat with.. Not that I would complain/whine to this senior of course, especially when we don't exactly know each other.. yet, i really do appreciate the nuggets of wisdom he always seem to dispense (which unknowingly would be useful for me somehow..) or his bountiful optimism that would rub off on me.. at least a tiny bit..

It's been 5+ years since jc1.. Have I really become less shy, as what the senior said last year? Come to think of it, if I were forced into a similar interview session with both the seniors, would i still be as terrified? Maybe yes.. maybe no.. somehow, because of the two of them, I'm now able to tell myself 'since i managed to survive through their interview, there's nothing, no other interview that would be as scary..'

Interestingly, the 2 interviewers whom I feared so badly turned out to be the 2 whom I admire the most after all these years.. One for his intelligence and nice character, the other for his all-rounded-ness and his seemingly never ending optimism..

wonder how they are now.. wonder if i'll get to see the latter either on icq or in real life this year, just like the one occasion for each of the past few years..

In any case, thanks so much for pointing out the fact that i need to speak up, for the encouragement that you've given even though you didn't have to.. (esp the biscuits when I felt really awfully down...) or simply for being more of a friend whom i can look up to instead of a mere interviewer..

and of course, Happy belated birthday! (whichever part of the world you are at now...)

Eeeyore...

To think that I just told someone last night that he's stubborn.. and today, I'm no better.

Seriously, even though I love the students I taught, it doesn't mean I fancy having lunch or meeting up with every single one of them. Considering that I've told you before that I do NOT have anything to say to them, and that I even specifically told you NOT to add me into your conversations, and you being older than me, I thought you could understand that just cause you guys are close to them doesn't me I must too. Well, too bad, I was wrong. And I'm quite disgusted by the fact that you all did not seem to give me a choice whether to see not not to see either..

Well, to link back to my title.. perhaps you would like to know how stubborn and strong headed I can get.. No doubt I'll meet you guys for a meal ONCE... and that's it.. FULL STOP..

What a mentor is...

In the end, I still turned up for the SMP interview...

Puay San said something which was so true.. "In order for you to confide in anyone, you must first look up to them. If they cannot gain your trust, they are not someone you respect, you would not want to tell them your problems. No one likes to let others know the more shady side of themselves."

Actually, I wasn't totally truthful at the interview.. the part about how my secondary school life was like.. But i wasn't lying either.. I merely step-sided issues, that's all.. But it should be understandable.. considering what she said, right?

Anyway, back to work..

1st day at 16th floor.. Felt so tired today.. In fact, I even suspect something is wrong with my contacts... it just got super super dry.. Back to work.. Seriously, I think Mr Ling has the Mr Yeo's air... don't know how to describe.. don't know how to describe but he really reminds me of Mr Yeo..

Oh.. mum got an mc today.. Doc said that bump that she had on her foot for quite a long while could be a tumour.. gave her a referral to SGH in a month's time.. frankly, quite worried.. hmm...

Mid Year Resolution

Why do people only make resolutions at new year? Nevermind, shall buck the trend, since i do need to..

Anyway, was just pondering and noticing that I've been moody lately.. and have been bothering a whole load of people.. think to change!

yes, so my main resolution for now is to be... a chirp-ier me!! yupz.. shall try harder to do so..

meanwhile those who see/hear me sinking in depression can feel free to knock my head (but not use full force.. can?)

lalalalala...

Here's big kid talking.. =)

In a way, I admit I really behave like a big kid..

Even if I brush away concerns for being mushy.. pretend to overlook, not notice others concerns.. I truly still love being doted upon..

Somehow, Newton's 3rd law doesn't apply to every single thing in real life.. at least not the equal part..

The ones who should be showing concern for you don't.. yet, others whom you least thought need to care, do..

And it doesn't even have to be for major things.. simple gestures can bring tears to one's eyes too..

Like yesterday, when the day seemed to take a turn for the worse, was told of something that made me super touched..

Thanks Mr Yeo.. I really really do appreciate the allowance part.. Thank you..

Action-Reaction force

couldn't help but think of Newton's third law..

the more down you are, the higher you get....

Appreciation

Typed something to this topic yesterday.. wonder what's wrong with blogger..

frankly, whatever I type here, it's just my reflection on something i've read or seen.. nothing to do with how i'm feeling, unless i do leave a disclaimer stating so.. can't possibly expect me to type a disclaimer for every single entry, right?

still.. thanks for all the concern =)

thanks to the 2 unfortunate souls who had to replied my early morning sms yesterday, be it with a forwarded sms or not.. few words do mean quite a bit..

thanks also to the even more unfortunate soul who had his inbox bombarded by sms yesterday (though i'm quite sure he won't chance upon this.. still.. )

sounds like some award presentation huh? thanking this and that.. but it's just my way of saying thanks.. since i don't really seem to say so..

a bit over-high today.. not a very surreal feeling.. hmm..

but feeling quite bad now.. came back and realised my email add is selectively rejecting emails.. must have something to do with my high volume of incoming personal emails.. feel extremely bad now, cause unlike me, the other 2 are doing pupillage.. really do hope nothing happens.. i mean, i can leave after another 2 weeks.. but they'll be staying for quite a while.. really crossing my fingers now..

doubt they'll see this.. but if they do.. hey, really sorry!

Humans and atoms??

Only those with too much time on their hands spend time thinking about boliao matters..

Couldn't help but reflect on a particular association between the two items that I came across on someone's blog today..

What type of atom am I?

Atom with a stable octet structure similar to that of noble gases? Despite my potential coldness to people, the 'doesn't-really-matter' front that i put up occasionally, those who know me better would know my tendency to blow hot and cold.. actually, they don't even have to know me well even.. in fact, all they have to do is to be slightly more observant..

Which makes me a potential atom from between Group I to Group VII.

Somehow, it's amusing how this atom requires a high activation energy, is then able to form super strong bonds with other atoms, but at the same time, this bonds break down relatively fast too..

What a weird atom.. Doubt such element exists..

And then, there is the question of ionic or covalant bonding.. frankly, i really doubt any human-being-atom is capable of only one form of bonding. No doubt, similarity allows people to live together harmoniously, allows for a common topic of discussion. Just think about the times when all forms of human relationship become bland due to distance (and with that, differences).. On the other hand, covalently bonded particles may end up with communication problems too.. cause there's so much in common that everything is kept inside..

So.. the conclusion? I'm an atom from Group 4.5, an unstable in-between atom =)

Disclaimer: The writer (or rather typer, since it's typed and not written..) has NOT been conscienciously reviewing her sec sch and jc1 chemistry knowledge in years.. she does NOT warrant that all the chemical-related analogy are accurate.. In fact, she would like to point out that any chemical-related stuff typed here is merely conjured from her faultful memory =)

Sleepiness on a slack Monday afternoon

Seems like the first time I'm typing an entry in this blog during office hours.. There's really nothing much to do now, after I've read online Straits Times and New Paper, and even TKL's opinions on some website.. Yes, as one can tell, I'm really THAT bored..

Come to think of it, I've really toned down a lot by the time I'm doing attachment here. No more boliao questions like "Do you want me to help you sharpen your pencils?" Instead, I merely ask for work and if there's none, I'll just attempt to keep myself occupied.

Is this a sign of burn-out? I don't know, but I doubt so. Interestingly, a friend just commented about the lack of drive to get up and go to work in the morning. Sometime after lunch today, someone sms-ed me to ask about my previous attachment and the gist of it was how she didn't feel like going to work in a tiny cramp place.

Tiny and cramp? I guess people have different perceptions. No doubt, my first impression of that place was tiny.. as in it was really small.. Yet the feeling it gave me was some homely laid-back office.. not unlike the ones I've pictured in story books.. The feeling was just like a sleepy little place where everything was just.. comfy..

Actually, was very tempted to comment about the fact since she had the chance to see the place before she agreed to do the attachment, there isn't any reason why she should look down on the place even before she starts. I mean, if you detest a place even before you start, then you are never going to like it.. right? Perhaps I myself do not have to right to say it too.. It's so much easier to tell others off and then whine and complain when you meet with the same situation, I guess..

Yet, that draws me to another point.. does size of the place you work at matter? Read in a magazine last week that it does, at least to a law firm.. But, what if it's just deciding where to do pupillage at? Doesn't how one feel matter equally too?

Someone was vehemently disagreeing about this point last Saturday. Yes, I know.. there is no doubt that large firms do give pupils greater exposure and the scale of work is something that small firms would probably encounter. Yet, somehow, the usually non-confident me simply doesn't feel comfortable in a large environment. I'll just feel highly self conscious and be super quiet.. compare it to being in a small place, where even though i'll still feel a bit uncomfortable, I can still warm up to people more quickly and be more bubbly or at least dare to speak up.. In this case, shouldn't I just hole myself up in some smaller environment and be able to learn better, compared to being in a place where I get the chance to be exposed to a lot of matters, yet I don't feel comfortable at all, and not dare to voice out anything? It's so much like the girl I was in sec school compared to jc.. Even my mum thought I looked more cheerful in photos in jc.. especially with all the smiles..

So, should I take the 'by right' route or the 'by left' one? and if 'by left', what should the conclusion for the previous paragraph be? Hmmm....

"The only thing that doesn't change is change"

Sorry.. Simply had to copy it from another friend's blog.. Whoever you are, just hope you won't mind me using this quote..

Finally, Super Sunday came back onto the 2.30pm slot again. Funny.. when most people were enthusiastically following it, I found it quite a dumb show.. Just when I've begin to appreciate the show and the sunshine it brings weekly, the run of the show is over..

Someone once told me, as we get older, the doors to our heart will close, making it impossible for us to make true friends. I brushed it off without much thought then. Come to think of it, there's so much wisdom in that phrase.

If we were to reflect deeply, how many friends can we truly label as the friend we truly care for, and not be with, subconsciously or otherwise, for some other reasons? Can you truly say that someone else is your friend just because of who they are, and not what they are? Even if you were truly friends at the start, are you able to confidently say that you all would remain so for a long while?

People come and go throughout our lives. Those who put in much more end up being hurt much more usually. And so, they grow up becoming more scarred, and more wary of people. It's no longer simply the 'I friend you, I don't friend you' stuff, but more of the 'I don't really like you, but I should still continue to be nice, yah?' And then, the whole human relationship chain becomes wrought with fakeness.. and coldness..

interesting isn't it?

Tired

That word basically sums up what I'm feeling now.. physically tired.. In case anyone is wondering.. my timetable was super packed.. temple, meet Ciyao, send handphone for repairs then tuition.. In fact, got home only at 11+ since was over-stuck at tuition again..

Before I continue, just wondering who the Anonymous person is.. somehow, the tone of it sounds like da ge.. but not very sure.. Whoever you are, can confirm please?? Nevertheless, thanks for the word of encouragement.. really..

Started work a few days ago at Rodyk.. till now, still haven't learnt how to love turning up yet...

Perhaps like what Weiling suggested.. planning doesn't mean you can avoid what you hope to avoid.. shall take things just as they come..

Questions...

Do I have what it takes to be a mentor? After signing up for it, but before I actually turn up for the interview, I'm beginning to doubt myself. Couldn't really connect that well with Nurul and Iffah the last time.. Now that I'm even more irresponsible, should I even attempt to be a mentor?

Got an email regarding pupillage directory being released later.. Which brings to mind whether I should apply for pupillage on my own, or through Income? Feel like working outside for 2 years before I enter Income, but do I have what it takes? Or would Income allow it? Or should I not even go for pupillage? Ann said I should apply through Income, like what my predecessors aka she and Beng Chai (wonder who he is..) did.. But, that would mean I would have to enter Income almost immediately, right? Of course, like what Ann said, no firms would want to take us in for pupillage if we aren't going to stay on after that.. And I can't possibly not tell them about my bond too, right? At the same time, I don't think I'm good enough, so should I apply for pupillage at all?

Which brings to mind what I sms-ed some people months ago.. Somehow, I don't think I have any strengths at all.. What am I good at? What jobs am I more suited for? Why is it that I'm still so lost? Hmm...

Attachment

Yesterday was my last day at work. Come to think of it, I think I'm really one of the weirdos who get work withdrawal symptoms.. okiez, at least this time round, it wasn't as severe as last year when I stopped teaching.. just a slight cannot-help-but-think-about-what's-going-on-at-this-time habit, which I'll outgrow quickly..

Interestingly, I actually managed to feel comfortable within the first week, a super rare occurence considering that my shy and self conscious nature would normally prevent me from truly interacting with strangers until a long long time..

Looking back, can still remember the very first day when I was super super early.. and had to sms Nelson, Koon, Vicknesh in order not to rot even before I started work.. Frankly, 2nd level really seems like a ghost town at 8.30 in the morning.. Then Evin came, saw me, and let me in.. That was the day when she didn't bring her keys and I was left seated at Annie's seat till much later..

Come to think of it, my greatest impression wasn't that much of what I learnt, but more of the interactions with my colleagues. Granted, I did learn some stuff, but on the whole, it doesn't feel much different from working at Income, other than the more comfy feeling..

Interestingly, this time round, I wasn't that easily swayed by others' opinions. Normally, when I am told some bad points about another person, I would treat that person with caution. Yet, this time, I still managed to maintain a neutral stand. It's interesting that some of my colleagues have a mutual dislike for each other, yet, I would not have noticed if I wasn't exactly told. Frankly, I find them all quite ok.. I mean, each one of us have our own way of reacting to a situation.. As long as each side just gives in a little, it's really much fun to work with each other.. Well, then again, I'm not that tolerant either.. Somehow towards the end, rifts began to surface and I began to feel frustrated too...

Hmm... but overall, I still enjoyed working with Evin, Adrian, Annie and Raji... Really...

Wonder what the next attachment would be like..

Thanking my lucky stars

Can't exactly remember clearly what I was told, but it was something along the lines of me being lucky to have such wonderful friends.

Indeed.

Fallen umpteen times. Yet, throughout life's race, I've been pulled along by more than a few hands. Somehow though, I seem to be such a brat, taking these helping hands for granted, and never voicing my true gratitude for the naggings, but instead, just brushing them off..

Actually, I really do love these naggings.. Ok, not in the sense that I love being nagged at for the sake of it.. but more of the fact that, it really feels good to have the feeling that someone else cares enough to nag.. Just that, I guess sometimes I'm just uncomfortable showing my gratitude.. and so, attempt to cover it up by being bochap.. But I do remember them...

Tingting, Derrick, Jo, Gary, Calvin, Alvin, Janet, Guoxing, JianPing.. Thanks for your words of comfort today, when I simply felt super down and lost.. Yet, at the same time, I realised the responses that I got wasn't what I had actually expected..

In any case, don't worry, I'm fine. Just as I get upset in a split second, I recover equally fast too..

In a way, despite all my mean-ess.. I'm quite thankful to have Adrian around too.. All the brainless chatting helped drive away the gloom more quickly too.. Hey, thanks a lot!