Turning Back Time (Part II)
Let's see.. Stopped at 1st three months life yesterday..
As I was saying, I won't have changed my decision to to go to the same school.. The people I met there, some have left everlasting impressions.. impressions that still remain even after my forced-blocking of memory back in jc.. Doubt I'll have a senior anywhere else who would have reminded me to speak up.. To whoever you are, thanks a lot.. You know, you were the first and only person who actually told me that.. Thanks for being such an optimistic character... Though we don't really know each other, but some of the things you said were really of great wisdom.. Thanks for making a GREAT role model, and of course, thanks for the packet of biscuits when I was really down.. I was really really touched at that time..
Of course, there's one thing that needs changing too... like I've said before, I would have learnt to treasure my friends more... Lijia, I know you made a great friend, yet, I didn't really know how to treasure the friendship till years later...
NJC Life: Used to ask myself, would things have been very different had I followed that senior's advice and appealed to go into Arts stream instead.. Afterall, whatever that I'm studying now doesn't really require any Science knowledge either, right?
But, no.. I still love Biology, still love Physics... still love Science basically, even if my knowledge of them sux.. and no.. though there was a possibility that I could continue to indulge in the friendships I made there, but frankly, the friends I made at NJ... and the various memories... are things that I'll simply not exchange.. Even if I hated a number of things in NJ... cause all these memories and friends more than adequately made up for the unhappy stuff...
And if it weren't for my awful grades, I won't have enrolled into TMC in anticipation of doing awfully in A levels, and won't have known a bunch of people like Joanne, Jon, Itak, Darmaji, right? Was fun being the top in the class almost all the time, and doing crazy stuff with Joanne and Grace, even if Grace pissed me off quite a bit towards the end. But, Itak and Darmaji, thanks for being really great korkors.. thanks for cheering me up when I was down, and giving me loads of encouragement, then and now... though I wonder how's Darmaji doing now.. Hey, what on earth happened to you? You disappeared!?! Still, really miss the late night chats/sms-es...
BUT of course, one never learns to appreciate things until they're not present.. Ever notice that the one thing that I regret most throughout the various stages in life is not treasuring people?
Monday, March 29, 2004
Sunday, March 28, 2004
Turning Back Time
Wasn't kidding when I sms-ed that as my wish when the DJ asked listeners to call in with their wishes..
When young, time seemed to pass slowly, especially during the holidays, so much so that I'll even end up dreaming about school. Yet now, time seemed to slip away from my hands and only when it's out of my reach do i attempt to grasp it to no avail..
If I were to turn back time, what would I change?
Primary School Life: Would I want to work harder and be less of a die-hard fan of our Lions in the M'sia Cup? Probably if I had worked even harder, I might have gotten higher grades.. Then again, probably not. In any case, I'll never trade my beautiful memories for better grades. Remember the goal that Man Hon scored against Kedah, that I didn't get to see? Or Steven Tan's superb goal that allowed us to beat Pahang at the very last moment? The time when Tong Hai marked John Hunter perfectly, and John Hunter broke down after losing the match? Or that Brunei's goalkeeper, Ian Gray's rice bowl hair-style? With approximately 2 matches per week, there was always something to look forward to..
Of course, how could I ever forget our name calling? With Miss Wong out of the class for a moment, leaving us to do our umpteenth test, across the class conversations like "Ehz, Saswa, how to do question 19?" Or the mere mention of the number 15 or 8 would make Winnie and I turn to each other instinctively.. Or even better still, Mdm Kok standing outside Miss Wong's class, saying "tong xue men, xie zhuo wen shi qing bu yao yong ou xiang de ming zi, ru guo fu cheng, lin dong hai.. " And who could forget Winnie shouting over the fence "Hello Tong Hai!"
Nope, I'll never want to change that...
Secondary School Life: Perhaps if I really needed to change, it'll definitely start with my secondary school life. For one thing, I would have been more conscientious about my work, I guess.. Without proper foundation, the whole of sec sch plus jc studying life was tough..
Friends wise, I would learn to treasure them too.. Realised that Yanxiang and I stopped keeping in contact by the time we got to sec 2.. and it was only in sec 4 when she had an accident that I saw her again.. and by then, we were really very much like strangers.. Perhaps we weren't really that that close in primary school too.. Insensitive me never realise that many of the stuff that Yanxiang did seemed to be accomodating me.. Her interest in soccer in pri 6 was mainly due to me too.. Still remember once I forgot to do Mdm Kok's homework, and was totally freaked out.. Yanxiang offerred me her hw during Miss Wong's class, and kept helping me keep a look out.. Yanxiang, even though we aren't that good friends anymore, I'm really really thankful to have had you as my closest friend in class, allowing us to call you "Man Hon", showing an interest in whatever I was interested in, and basically giving in to me.. Thank you for being a really great friend.. really.. and I really do miss the times when we had so much to say...
1st 3 months life: On hindsight, would I have chosen RJC again if I knew I would end up in NJC later on and suffer much heartbreak due to the uprooting? Perhaps if I had gone to NJ right at the beginning, I would have continued to be a happy person, who would not be soo depressed and give up on herself, which led to my dismal grades throughout the 2 years..
BUT, the only thing I would have chosen to do if I could turn back time is to not forcibly block out the entire 3 months worth of memory.. Come to think of it, those were beautiful times too.. and my forced forgettery only served to leave a huge vacuum in my life now (yes.. interestingly, I really can't remember 95% of the things that happened already.. )
Yet, if I had not gone to RJ, I wouldn't have known all the interesting personalities there.. Derrick, HRM, IL, Lijia.. My closest friend throughout the entire jc life, and the person i trusted most then, was from RJ... Without that friend's neverending encouragement, I won't have reached where I am today.. Thanks for your various treats in order to entice me to do better.. and the letter-writings during A levels.. You know, when you didn't do that well, and felt upset that you couldn't get into the faculty that you wanted to go to, I felt upset and totally guilty too.. If only i hadn't bother you during the exams.. if only my 'good luck' had worked as well as yours did.. Perhaps if I could turn back time, and had magically powers, I would have gladly exchanged my 'A's for your 'B's.. in that way, you would be able to get into med fac, and fulfilled your childhood dream, right? perhaps you would have become a more confident you, instead of the doubtful you that you are now.. Perhaps I would not have felt totally hurt at the words you uttered that showed clearly your discontentment at me being in this fac now.. Perhaps I would then not have doubted whether you were truly a friend, since someone else told me that a friend would NEVER want his/her friend to do worse.. Perhaps it's cause of all the things that have transpired, that I really truly want to know if i was a good friend to you, or merely another person who's lousy grades boost your ego, and one whom you'll feel less inferior to..
Wasn't kidding when I sms-ed that as my wish when the DJ asked listeners to call in with their wishes..
When young, time seemed to pass slowly, especially during the holidays, so much so that I'll even end up dreaming about school. Yet now, time seemed to slip away from my hands and only when it's out of my reach do i attempt to grasp it to no avail..
If I were to turn back time, what would I change?
Primary School Life: Would I want to work harder and be less of a die-hard fan of our Lions in the M'sia Cup? Probably if I had worked even harder, I might have gotten higher grades.. Then again, probably not. In any case, I'll never trade my beautiful memories for better grades. Remember the goal that Man Hon scored against Kedah, that I didn't get to see? Or Steven Tan's superb goal that allowed us to beat Pahang at the very last moment? The time when Tong Hai marked John Hunter perfectly, and John Hunter broke down after losing the match? Or that Brunei's goalkeeper, Ian Gray's rice bowl hair-style? With approximately 2 matches per week, there was always something to look forward to..
Of course, how could I ever forget our name calling? With Miss Wong out of the class for a moment, leaving us to do our umpteenth test, across the class conversations like "Ehz, Saswa, how to do question 19?" Or the mere mention of the number 15 or 8 would make Winnie and I turn to each other instinctively.. Or even better still, Mdm Kok standing outside Miss Wong's class, saying "tong xue men, xie zhuo wen shi qing bu yao yong ou xiang de ming zi, ru guo fu cheng, lin dong hai.. " And who could forget Winnie shouting over the fence "Hello Tong Hai!"
Nope, I'll never want to change that...
Secondary School Life: Perhaps if I really needed to change, it'll definitely start with my secondary school life. For one thing, I would have been more conscientious about my work, I guess.. Without proper foundation, the whole of sec sch plus jc studying life was tough..
Friends wise, I would learn to treasure them too.. Realised that Yanxiang and I stopped keeping in contact by the time we got to sec 2.. and it was only in sec 4 when she had an accident that I saw her again.. and by then, we were really very much like strangers.. Perhaps we weren't really that that close in primary school too.. Insensitive me never realise that many of the stuff that Yanxiang did seemed to be accomodating me.. Her interest in soccer in pri 6 was mainly due to me too.. Still remember once I forgot to do Mdm Kok's homework, and was totally freaked out.. Yanxiang offerred me her hw during Miss Wong's class, and kept helping me keep a look out.. Yanxiang, even though we aren't that good friends anymore, I'm really really thankful to have had you as my closest friend in class, allowing us to call you "Man Hon", showing an interest in whatever I was interested in, and basically giving in to me.. Thank you for being a really great friend.. really.. and I really do miss the times when we had so much to say...
1st 3 months life: On hindsight, would I have chosen RJC again if I knew I would end up in NJC later on and suffer much heartbreak due to the uprooting? Perhaps if I had gone to NJ right at the beginning, I would have continued to be a happy person, who would not be soo depressed and give up on herself, which led to my dismal grades throughout the 2 years..
BUT, the only thing I would have chosen to do if I could turn back time is to not forcibly block out the entire 3 months worth of memory.. Come to think of it, those were beautiful times too.. and my forced forgettery only served to leave a huge vacuum in my life now (yes.. interestingly, I really can't remember 95% of the things that happened already.. )
Yet, if I had not gone to RJ, I wouldn't have known all the interesting personalities there.. Derrick, HRM, IL, Lijia.. My closest friend throughout the entire jc life, and the person i trusted most then, was from RJ... Without that friend's neverending encouragement, I won't have reached where I am today.. Thanks for your various treats in order to entice me to do better.. and the letter-writings during A levels.. You know, when you didn't do that well, and felt upset that you couldn't get into the faculty that you wanted to go to, I felt upset and totally guilty too.. If only i hadn't bother you during the exams.. if only my 'good luck' had worked as well as yours did.. Perhaps if I could turn back time, and had magically powers, I would have gladly exchanged my 'A's for your 'B's.. in that way, you would be able to get into med fac, and fulfilled your childhood dream, right? perhaps you would have become a more confident you, instead of the doubtful you that you are now.. Perhaps I would not have felt totally hurt at the words you uttered that showed clearly your discontentment at me being in this fac now.. Perhaps I would then not have doubted whether you were truly a friend, since someone else told me that a friend would NEVER want his/her friend to do worse.. Perhaps it's cause of all the things that have transpired, that I really truly want to know if i was a good friend to you, or merely another person who's lousy grades boost your ego, and one whom you'll feel less inferior to..
Saturday, February 28, 2004
Changes
"Once you are old, you no longer have the liberty to say you don't know how to do things. Nor can you blame youthfulness for your faults. Children want to grow up quickly, yet adults want to slow down ageing. People seem to prefer the state they are NOT in."
How true. And that coming from a DJ whom I've detested since young. Happened to be station-hopping as usual. Quite unlike her to say such brainful stuff. But yes, she did, on her very last day of being on air.
Actually, she wasn't the only one whose voice I'll no longer chance upon the air waves. The other DJ who is leaving that station happened to be one of the rare ones whom I actually enjoyed listening to. Now, I doubt I'll ever tune in to that station, well, unless the songs elsewhere are really awful, and I don't have the luxury of having my CDs with me. But truth be said, I'll miss that familiar voice.
There are 3 types of people on earth - those who love changes, those who hate them, and those who are neutral. Unfortunately, I belong to 2nd group. The ones who become too emotionally attached to their surroundings.
Throughout our lives, all of us have to face numerous changes, some big, some small. Schools, friends, living environment or even our own belongings. Each of these has seen our smiles, tears and laughters. In primary school, we believe that there's such a thing called 'forever', then in secondary school, we continue to cross our fingers in hope that 'forever' does exist. But, slowly, the understanding that 'forever' is just like the fairy tales that we've heard when we were younger begins to sink in gradually. Sometimes, it's time to let go, yet some of us still can't bear to do so. Or worse, we realised that we've never cherished whatever we had until we've lost it, and then we begin to regret.
Makes one wonder if we gain or lose more during this growing up process.
"Once you are old, you no longer have the liberty to say you don't know how to do things. Nor can you blame youthfulness for your faults. Children want to grow up quickly, yet adults want to slow down ageing. People seem to prefer the state they are NOT in."
How true. And that coming from a DJ whom I've detested since young. Happened to be station-hopping as usual. Quite unlike her to say such brainful stuff. But yes, she did, on her very last day of being on air.
Actually, she wasn't the only one whose voice I'll no longer chance upon the air waves. The other DJ who is leaving that station happened to be one of the rare ones whom I actually enjoyed listening to. Now, I doubt I'll ever tune in to that station, well, unless the songs elsewhere are really awful, and I don't have the luxury of having my CDs with me. But truth be said, I'll miss that familiar voice.
There are 3 types of people on earth - those who love changes, those who hate them, and those who are neutral. Unfortunately, I belong to 2nd group. The ones who become too emotionally attached to their surroundings.
Throughout our lives, all of us have to face numerous changes, some big, some small. Schools, friends, living environment or even our own belongings. Each of these has seen our smiles, tears and laughters. In primary school, we believe that there's such a thing called 'forever', then in secondary school, we continue to cross our fingers in hope that 'forever' does exist. But, slowly, the understanding that 'forever' is just like the fairy tales that we've heard when we were younger begins to sink in gradually. Sometimes, it's time to let go, yet some of us still can't bear to do so. Or worse, we realised that we've never cherished whatever we had until we've lost it, and then we begin to regret.
Makes one wonder if we gain or lose more during this growing up process.
Friday, February 27, 2004
Blinded by emotions
People usually say, love is blind. So far, I don't think anyone has disagreed with this.
For a little kid, the blanket/soft toy could be his comfort ground. Wherever he goes, the item would follow. That is, even if adults comment that the item is smelly, dirty, disgusting, whatsoever. To the kid, it is more of "Who Cares?" The soft toy though of a tinge of grey, still looks far from dirty. The blanket, sure it does have a smell, but to them, the smell is calming.
As we grow older, we begin to have friends. Friends whom we love to be with. Ever had a time when a so-called good friend betrayed your trust, but in the end, for some weird reasons, both of you are still friends? I've always thought that it is not quite possible. Afterall, a mirror once broken, even when glued back, will still have the lines of cracks clearly evident. Yet, there have been real life instances which have proved me wrong. Take for example, the story of X and Y. Y stole X's keys, and together with 2 other friends, stole from X's place and were caught. One would think that X would steer clear from Y. Yet, X continued to be Y's good friend for quite a while. Unbelievable, but true.
Of course, not all examples are this extreme. Two different people, a close friend and another just a friend, doing the same thing to hurt you. Who would you be more willing to forgive? No doubt, the hurt coming from the 1st instance would be greater. BUT, it usually diminishes more quickly too.
Now, why do I write about this?
Had a call yesterday. "You know, F's boyfriend came to Singapore recently and she bought him so many things. She even got him a handphone." All this, on top of the fact that she had 'sponsored' him quite a bit when he wanted to start some business last year. One would have imagine F being rather young, simple minded and highly trusting. Truth is, F is outgoing, rather popular, and somewhat accomplished in her field of work. Being a person who is normally observant and analytical, her actions are somewhat unthinkable..
Who says love is not blind?
People usually say, love is blind. So far, I don't think anyone has disagreed with this.
For a little kid, the blanket/soft toy could be his comfort ground. Wherever he goes, the item would follow. That is, even if adults comment that the item is smelly, dirty, disgusting, whatsoever. To the kid, it is more of "Who Cares?" The soft toy though of a tinge of grey, still looks far from dirty. The blanket, sure it does have a smell, but to them, the smell is calming.
As we grow older, we begin to have friends. Friends whom we love to be with. Ever had a time when a so-called good friend betrayed your trust, but in the end, for some weird reasons, both of you are still friends? I've always thought that it is not quite possible. Afterall, a mirror once broken, even when glued back, will still have the lines of cracks clearly evident. Yet, there have been real life instances which have proved me wrong. Take for example, the story of X and Y. Y stole X's keys, and together with 2 other friends, stole from X's place and were caught. One would think that X would steer clear from Y. Yet, X continued to be Y's good friend for quite a while. Unbelievable, but true.
Of course, not all examples are this extreme. Two different people, a close friend and another just a friend, doing the same thing to hurt you. Who would you be more willing to forgive? No doubt, the hurt coming from the 1st instance would be greater. BUT, it usually diminishes more quickly too.
Now, why do I write about this?
Had a call yesterday. "You know, F's boyfriend came to Singapore recently and she bought him so many things. She even got him a handphone." All this, on top of the fact that she had 'sponsored' him quite a bit when he wanted to start some business last year. One would have imagine F being rather young, simple minded and highly trusting. Truth is, F is outgoing, rather popular, and somewhat accomplished in her field of work. Being a person who is normally observant and analytical, her actions are somewhat unthinkable..
Who says love is not blind?
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Losing before cherishing...
"He is really dead" Reading and re-reading this line, somehow, even though I didn't know who Mr Ho was, I could still feel his students', past (including my sis) and present, sense of loss..
Sis didn't really said she felt down, yet, from her actions and what she said, I could feel the tinge of sadness, disbelief, shocked. And yes, the glimmer of hope yesterday when the photo wasn't really clear.. all that ended with that line of sms..
People around us, we seem to take for granted that they'll be there.. it's only when incidents happen to others, that one begins to sit up, appreciate them, and after a while.. lose that momentum again..
Just like me.
I guess I would have been devastated if something had happened to anyone I cared about.. The friends whom I instinctively sms-ed some forwarded stuff yesterday.. Funny.. I always thought forwarded sms-es are totally insincere and would have avoided forwarding them.. Yet, at times when I just wanted to let those who matter know that I didn't forget them, forwarded stuff are so much easier.. Just imagine if I typed something personal.. They would have been horrified!
Hate to let others in on my emotions.. As I grow older, I finally realised the wisdom in JianPing's quote from his teachers. At times, I just don't know whether I should just give others the benefit of the doubt or otherwise.. Yet, those whom my 6th sense tell me that cannot be totally trusted, have yet to prove me wrong... and those whom I willingly trusted, some have proved me wrong..
Of course, there are many others who don't belong in those groups too.. Koon, Itak, Jianping, Potato, Honghui.. These are the people who are still able to change a rainy mood to a sunny one just by appearing, whether through sms, icq, or simply just in person.. Yet, I doubt they've ever realised that they've such capabilities.. well, if any of you chance upon this, I really want to say 'thank you' truly.. I guess the front that I put up daily is but a mere front.. without you all, I doubt I'd have ever been where I am today..
And, there are also those friends whom one was really really close to, and then just 'poof', there's this huge wall between you. 'True friends would never want the other to be worse off' True? I don't know. But I know, that once you've treated someone as your very close friend, it's difficult, if not impossible to demote the person to a mere stranger.. esp when they were once my greatest pillars of strength too.. GX, DT.. am I one of their good friends still? I don't know... truly, I wish I do, but I don't...
Yet, I know for sure, if anything were to befall on these friends, my world will DEFINITELY crash...
"He is really dead" Reading and re-reading this line, somehow, even though I didn't know who Mr Ho was, I could still feel his students', past (including my sis) and present, sense of loss..
Sis didn't really said she felt down, yet, from her actions and what she said, I could feel the tinge of sadness, disbelief, shocked. And yes, the glimmer of hope yesterday when the photo wasn't really clear.. all that ended with that line of sms..
People around us, we seem to take for granted that they'll be there.. it's only when incidents happen to others, that one begins to sit up, appreciate them, and after a while.. lose that momentum again..
Just like me.
I guess I would have been devastated if something had happened to anyone I cared about.. The friends whom I instinctively sms-ed some forwarded stuff yesterday.. Funny.. I always thought forwarded sms-es are totally insincere and would have avoided forwarding them.. Yet, at times when I just wanted to let those who matter know that I didn't forget them, forwarded stuff are so much easier.. Just imagine if I typed something personal.. They would have been horrified!
Hate to let others in on my emotions.. As I grow older, I finally realised the wisdom in JianPing's quote from his teachers. At times, I just don't know whether I should just give others the benefit of the doubt or otherwise.. Yet, those whom my 6th sense tell me that cannot be totally trusted, have yet to prove me wrong... and those whom I willingly trusted, some have proved me wrong..
Of course, there are many others who don't belong in those groups too.. Koon, Itak, Jianping, Potato, Honghui.. These are the people who are still able to change a rainy mood to a sunny one just by appearing, whether through sms, icq, or simply just in person.. Yet, I doubt they've ever realised that they've such capabilities.. well, if any of you chance upon this, I really want to say 'thank you' truly.. I guess the front that I put up daily is but a mere front.. without you all, I doubt I'd have ever been where I am today..
And, there are also those friends whom one was really really close to, and then just 'poof', there's this huge wall between you. 'True friends would never want the other to be worse off' True? I don't know. But I know, that once you've treated someone as your very close friend, it's difficult, if not impossible to demote the person to a mere stranger.. esp when they were once my greatest pillars of strength too.. GX, DT.. am I one of their good friends still? I don't know... truly, I wish I do, but I don't...
Yet, I know for sure, if anything were to befall on these friends, my world will DEFINITELY crash...
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