I LOVE YA!!!

I had almost started the day off reminding myself how irritating, whining and self-centred guys are. But something appeared in my mailbox that brought a huge smile to my face:

Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!! (My sis & her doll duck says thanks too!!)

I did tell you that my sis didn't need that THAT urgently, and that you can pass it to me when we next meet up, right?

Still, I was absolutely thrilled to see the package and the letter. Simply cause it's from you, one of my dearest dearest friend! I don't even need chocolates to get high, because just the sight of the parcel itself is sufficient to make me super high! (Hmm.. although I was really tired during tuition today, was nodding off so many time!! Sigh..)

By the way, my sis asks about the topic for your FYP. Do you need any help in researching anything?

And since your letter had a question on work, here's a photo of my work station, that I (boliao-ly) took yesterday:

Tidy? But my favourite box of biscuits is hide behind the photo! Hm..

On another note, I wonder how's Mr Chan's holiday.

Procrastinate

When you do not know what the future will hold, some tend to be hesitant to take the first step. But, if you don't take the first step, you'll never know what that particular future will hold.

It's been more than a month, and I'm still walking about the same square. Should I? Or shouldn't I? There are just too many things to think, too many people to watch out for, so much so that I'm still as unsure as ever.

Care to point me in one direction?

Memories

A friend of mine sent me these pictures a while ago. Just to prove a certain point.

To think I've more or less forgotten that I've made and sent this X'mas card many Christmas-es ago:

For a split second, these photos transported me back to the many many years ago, to the time when teleview was still in existence. The feeling of familiarity... the closeness that cannot be found on the net.. It's almost like a small neighbourhood where everyone knows almost everyone. Now that I'm still in contact with only LwW and egeus, I wonder how's everyone else doing..

Still, I'm really impressed LwW still has this card..

Hope everything will turn out well for you.. Cause you have been, and will always be, a really nice big brother to me =)

See-saw

It's so obvious that I haven't been blogging for so long that I actually typed the wrong password just now. Otherwise, I don't think it felt much difference. So far, only one person has complained about the lack of updates, which signifies how insignificant the readership of this blog is! Haha.. Just kidding..

The almost a month that I have not been blogging feels way longer than that. A lot of things have happened in the past month. But mainly, grandfather was hospitalised, and at one point in time, he was in the ICU even.

I guess too many things happening at a time just took a toil on me. Thankfully though, I've my bunch of supportive friends.. Thanks, I really really LOVE you guys... and then, there're people whom I not that close to.. just like Sion Yoong's simple sms asking how I've been.. to think I was really touched by that simple gesture.. I'm even very thankful to have Chee Min online to chat about certain stuff..

At the end of the day, just like what someone said the other day (can't remember who though), I'm really really lucky, simply cause I've a bunch of wonderful friends to dote on me..

If only work was equally perfect, I guess..

Somehow, trust between humans is such a delicate issue. Especially when there's some 'benefit' at stake. Maybe that's one other reason why I don't feel comfortable being in a large place, perhaps.

Still, thankfully, even though there are crappy days, somehow peripheral matters always seem to pop up to blow away the grey clouds. Just like this week's lunch with Qien, or the lunch with some of the Rodyk pupils from my batch. Or the dinner with Adrian yesterday, especially.

Time doesn't stop for anyone. Just like it's only a few months since pupillage ended, but so much has changed, and for one, it made not staying there not too bad. It's just like how I was so thrilled at running into my pupil master a few weeks ago, in sub-courts no less, and even wished I could follow him into chambers once again. Even though I had to skip the lunch with some of my colleagues here (people I didn't really mind lunch with), THAT chance meeting was worth way more. To think a few months ago, I was still upset, but.. at the end of the day, my pupil master will always be someone I looked up to.

Thankfully though, despite not really keeping in contact with Adrian, we still had much to say. Or perhaps I was the really talkative one. Just imagine how we were the last to leave the restaurant and could still chat all the way to the train station! That really provided the sweetest end to an awful day! =)

Strained? Drained?

National Day today. Somehow, this feels like the worse National Day ever.

Was volunteered for the National Day observance ceremony yesterday. Midway, a particular Tamil song brought back memories of the Cebu trip. How we spent hours in the guys room deciding on the multi-language songs and how we practised. How none of us knew an entire Malay song and so ended up singing our school song instead.

Yes, and Meisi was a part of those memories too.

How many people can be part of a celebration, but end up trying hard to hold back tears? Silly me did, and my tears really threatened to flow, even after the whole thing ended.

And later the evening, I got home early, hoping to catch up on my rest since tuition was cancelled. I didn't, cause I was greeted by the news that grandpa fell and was warded. So off I went to NUH. You know, for 23++ years, wai gong has never told me about life in the past. Yesterday was the first time he talked so much.

Think the drain-ness was evident when I just fell asleep on the couch and didn't want to get up at all..

And then, just now, dad smsed me to say that grandfather is in a critical condition in ICU..

If there is a almighty being out there who can control our destiny, can you please not take anyone who means something to me away from me? Please? At most, if you don't, I promise to be a good girl and not quit? I don't mind being stuck in a work place that I dislike, or get any trashy stuff from any of those bitches in exchange for you protecting everyone who means something to me. Can? Please?

Taking things for granted

Visited Meisi this evening. Think I'm just dumb to be really dumbfounded when Meisi's mum asked me to just talk to Meisi. Maybe I think too much about not wanting to say inappropriate stuff. Maybe I'm just not used to talking. Whatever the case, I just kept quiet most of the time, as usual.

All of us do take things for granted. How many of us actually think about what would happen if things change suddenly. Just a little while ago, I suddenly thought of the last dinner I had with Meisi when I got her to be my character witness, to sign my form F for my call. At that time, both of us were looking towards the future. Meisi talked about how another hospital was inviting her to join them. We were talking about pay, increment and working environment as a whole. How she enjoyed working at Gleneagles. Then, the next time we met so that she could sign another 2 copies, she was home late after an operation. Even at 10.30pm or so, bleary-eyed, she still came down and we chatted once again about jobs and how enthusiastic she was, as usual, about the details of work.

Who would expect the matters that were to come?

Looking at her lying in bed today, I really miss the Meisi who used to take the same bus to and fro RGS. How we could talk non-stop for entire bus journeys etc, even if we hadn't seen each other for a long time.

I don't know if she really did recognise me today. But when I saw her eyes following the sunflower plush I bought after I mentioned it to her, it just felt good. And when I touched her hands, I could feel her grasping my hand, even if it were not a firm grip, but just a really weak one. But that was already sufficient for me to feel glad.

Still, being the horrible person that I am, I'm still not able to exercise my brain and open my golden mouth. Actually, there are a lot of things that I would want to say.. things like, "Meisi, you can do it! You'll come out of all these even stronger" or "You know, I'm really glad to have you throughout my growing up years.. 16 out of 24 years.." Basically, the Yaofang just doesn't know how to say anything that shows her emotions... Horrible right?

Perhaps it sounds silly, but I'll still gladly go to the temple more often during lunch hours, take more vegetarian food or any silly actions that might help, so long as you'll get well... Know why? Cause you'll always be my friend.. Just like how we used to write the cliche and goosebumps inducing phrase 'Forever Friends'....

Trust and Truth

What is it that makes one person confide in another? Trust? So how do we figure out whether we trust this person or not?

There's no way one can come up with the perfect checklist of what makes a person trust another, or not for that matter. It's just like how my other 19 colleagues and I survived through our team excellence training last Thursday and Friday too.

It's interesting or perhaps weird how you can not really know a person but you could still allow yourself to trust that person. At least I did, and hopefully, my gut feel will not be wrong. I can't explain why I would choose to get Chee Min's opinion when I don't know him at all. In any case, being sleep deprived today was kind of worth it, since whatever Chee Min said (or rather typed) proved to be useful catalyst to help me decide what I wanted to do. Chee Min, thanks very much for your 2 cents worth!

On the same note too, THANKS GARY!!!! Some of the stuff you said were more than over sufficient to make me super touched. I don't think I would need your offer, but you know what? YOU'RE GREAT!!!! (hahaha... don't cringe!!)

Still on the same topic, I don't understand why I can deem someone as one of my most important friends, yet at the same time, not trust him sufficiently to tell him what's going through my mind now. Perhaps it's just the shadow left behind from all your 'cold water' in JC? Or rather, more accurately I think, it's just that we're a bit like strangers now, so much so that I don't know how to whine to you already. But, I really don't mind turning back time for just a day, just to experience the bus rides and the chats we had both on the bus and at the bus stops once again. I'm beginning to miss that friendship forged in JC again....

You know you've grown older when...

you flip the papers and see the secondary school seniors you've more or less lost touch with.

Still, it feels good to see Yiting's photo in the papers especially since I've no idea how she's been ever since Channel U (at least the Channel U that I preferred) ceased. And the best part was, there was MingRong's face in the papers too..

Familiar and comforting faces... A good way to start the day

Does bunch of positive feedback and one negative feedback make the class good?

Just came back from a torture camp. Ok, it wasn't that bad, with the friends I had/made. The night was fun when the bunch of us went out for a walk on our own, and when Derek and Guohui came to Mariah and my room to watch tv and chew on snacks. But no matter what, I just can't stand horrible trainers. And they are REALLY THAT bad..

And then, I checked my email just now, and some stupid asshole sent that reply to my manager. Oh... only your new staff gave a negative feedback. The rest gave the course 3 and above, so there wasn't anything wrong with the course. Fine! You can't be bothered to read my feedback, will you just go to hell?

I really really really do hate the place a lot... REALLY... and there's still 1768 more days to go. Can someone just kill me to end my misery? Better still, can there be some mishap in the building so that it's THEM who killed me?

What kind of friend are you?

Actually, the question I posed to Kum Fu in the wee hours of this morning was more of.. Am I a mean person? Other than the 'No la' he didn't type anything else even after I typed a longer continuation for that.

Frankly, I think he forgot the photograph incident when he answered my question. Either that, or he was way too busy with his work to really think before answering such mundane questions.

Yes, I admit I can be cold and distant, in fact, for people who know me better, I am extreme. Distant is just but a way of self-protection. Letting others know too much is so much akin to handing the other person a knife. When you least expect it, you'll realise the stab on your back.

Perhaps I'm just exaggerating. The feeling of wanting to wipe something off the memory is not that nice. Partitioning, segregating and erasing. The end result is a blank part in your own history. That's not something to be proud about, but it's something like a much needed operation. No one would want to undergo amputation, but amputation cuts short the infection and in the long run, it may be a necessary evil. Isn't it the same as a memory wipeout?

Maybe I just enjoy being harsh to myself huh?

Then again, this long overdue reformatting is necessary and will not be missed. Just as what the last incident demonstrated, the allegiance would not be on my side anyway.

Does that matter? In a way, the real me says 'yes'. But in the long run, 'no'.

In any case, I'm so glad my dearest friend is back in Singapore again!! Welcome back!!!! Ehz.. I really miss having you in Singapore, ok? No doubts about it!!! Just before I die of exhaustion, I'm so looking forward to our dinner appointment weeks down the road!!!

Sentosa training tomorrow. 2 days stuck with OTHER people. Sigh... No my favourite box of biscuits to stare at too.. Sigh (x2)..

Oh, I saw the email Vincent sent me whilst cc-ing it to the 2 general managers! Compliments for finding mistakes in the Acturial department's Maths calculation. =) This should be the second time CTS is seeing compliments about me! From 2 different managers/supervisors from 2 different departments! =)

Personal preference?

Left my place feeling trashy today. Thought the day would be so, but I couldn't have been more wrong.

Had an unexpected company on the train today. It's been like a million years since I've heard from Geng Sheng. And there he was, right at the door.

Was I close to him back when I did relief teaching? Actually, I don't think so. But somehow, the chanced encounter still managed to chased away the dark clouds when a lot of other things couldn't. Don't ask me why.. Cause I don't know? But.. it's just a very comfortable feeling.

Was almost dozing off at work today whilst looking through the documents. Then, I suddenly decided to check the equation they had on the document (which according to Vincent and Dharmendra, I didn't have to.. Or in Dharmendra's words, it's spoiling the market) Somehow, that made me super awake, the part when I was trying to substitute the values and trying to figure out what was wrong with the equation. Perhaps I really do prefer Maths a lot more to English huh?

Had dinner with Peiqi at some Korean restaurant in Chinatown. Blogger doesn't seem to want to let me upload the photos, so well... photos another day then..

Gosh.. I'm so tired! I wonder how Kum Fu can stand working till past this late so often..

On another note.. heard from Shujun who heard from someone else that Meisi's operation was a success! Yay!!!!!! Though we don't have much of an idea how she is. Mental note: Shall use my lunch to visit her next week. Hmm... and do I look like I've such bad memory? Else why should Peiyi be so surprised that I could actually recognise her and remember her name? She's one of the 3 people who was my classmate for all 6 years during primary school! And we were even in the same CCA for a year too! In fact, I rememebered that fact way before I realised that Shujun is another who was my classmate for 6 years.. Hmm....

Oh, and I pity Jeremy who still has to hear that I'm in a not-so-cheery mood, and never once did he questioned me the cause. Thanks for offering me your ears just in case I'm feeling down.. and letting me be the little girl for the time being even though I am supposed to be more of an older sister to you.

Happy Birthday, Guoxing!!!!!

Last year, I was 23 hours 59 minutes late. Or something like that.

This year, I'm not late.

Happy birthday, Guoxing! My dearest dearest grandfather!!!!!

Despite all the times since we've graduated from NJC that you've jumped to conclusions instead of listening (at least not totally) to the things that make me feel down, the things that bother me.. Despite irking me unknown number of times for that..

You're still one of the reasons why me ending up in NJC was a good twist of fate.

For without being forced by circumstances to be in NJC, I would not have made a friend who used to be emotional but was a good listener. A friend who gave me the first soft toy (actually not very soft.. I think) that I would bring every where around school. A friend who would let me bully him into calling him 'grandfather'. A friend whom I could write numerous letters to, at least back in JC. A friend who showed that Newton's third law could apply to friends cheering each other on. A friend who would complain about how he can never stand my habit of keeping unhappiness to myself, in a bid to make me open up. A friend who would cycle to school with 6kg worth of newspapers just because my class wanted to win some competition, even if we happened to disagree over something the night before. A friend who would go to the sand pit early in the morning to help me get some sand cause my class thought we needed it for our 5 stones making competition and I couldn't collect cause I would always be just on time for class. A friend who remembers what was said and would shower loads of concern, just like a grandfather would. A friend who nags so much that it'll be hard to imagine he's merely a few months older than me. A friend whose birthday sms could make me touched to tears on one of my hatest days of the year. A friend whose card, though filled with insults, could make me break into a smile despite a bad week. A friend who may not always be there when all is well, but will definitely go all the way out to be there when needed.

Yes, you're all that, and perhaps more. So, you know what? On this special day of yours, I just want to loudly exclaim on this blog:

HAPPY 24TH BIRTHDAY, GUOXING!!!

May you always be as happy as you are now, not to mention healthy too, yah, soon-to-be PE teacher?

And... thanks for being one of my most treasured friends (yes, even if I can't stand you at times =p )

Moody-for-the-umpteenth-time Yaofang

I hate changes, especially when you take something I like, change it without me knowing and expect me to be fine with it. The stubborn me will rather torture myself than accept, cause in case you don't know, I hate losing my comfort stuff.

Just like I don't understand why the hell I had to go look at some other website. You may think you are being perfectly nice, but no, you aren't. Then again, I don't have a right to tell you what to do, but from my point of view, it irks me. Like how I've described myself one paragraph earlier, when I say I'm dumping something, I mean it. Whatever you type just affects my mood, and heightens my pissability.

And then, I think trainings and I are highly incompatible. Especially when you ask a bunch of old assholes to lecture. One supposed retiree turned it into a show-off session and a history lesson. You said you are a retiree, so GO STAY AT HOME! What right do you have to hint that RI will get rights over everyone else? YOU STUPID OLD MAN HAVE NO RIGHT TO CRITICISE RAFFLESIANS! And then, the last session was another idiot asshole. What WITs training? The stupid HR personnel might as well call it a marriage counselling session... Oh, that's before his 'political commentary'. What 'emotional adultery is when you confide in someone from the opposite sex more than you do to your spouse' or 'marriage is not about looking at each other but looking ahead' or 'a good spouse is someone who can make a good parent, not just some love cause that's infatuation'. The best part was his irritating story, the moral of which I concluded was, it's wrong to lunch with the opposite sex. WHAT THE HELL DO THESE HAVE TO DO WITH WITS? You deserved to be complained against, so too bad, I complained to my manager who then complained to HR. I hate the company, especially the awful training they provide.

Then, my meeting with Vincent. Now I know what that dumb ass CC meant when she mentioned the 6 months review. WHAT?!? You congratulated me on me joining legal, but you FORGOT to tell me that it's a 6 months attachment to Legal, and if any other departments require me, you'll post me there. CC, may you trip over the stairs and lose your memory! This is not like the first time you are giving me crap.. 2 years to give me a bloody stupid reply. What 1-4-14 rule in the company? It doesn't apply to you is it? Can you just go to hell?

I'm sorry about the not-so-nice language. Just that after containing all these emotions in me for a day, I just had to let it out. Without ending up in tears.

But at least I had my 'table decoration' -- my Hei Bai Pei!! Just a look at it can make me smile and make things feel not THAT bad afterall. And I brought the mug from a person I do not really want to see around and left it on my table. In a way, that cup made me feel safe too. Perhaps even though it was a slipshod present, it was still a present from that mattered. Now what I lack is just 5R and 4R photoframes, and to colour photocopy my JC photos. Then I can surround myself in happier stuff. Call me super untrusting, but no way am I going to bring my comfort duck-ies and bear-y to work, cause I don't think they're safe in my office. (How else do you think I want to photocopy my photos instead of using the ones I have?)

Nespray, I wonder if you've seen the cybercard I've sent you. =(

Weiguang, thanks for the biscuits. I don't know how I'll get through the day without it. And.. I'm not eating it cause it's my comfort deco =)

You know you're happy when...

This photo would more or less summarise how I'm feeling right now.

Were the biscuits meant to be some sort of reassurance? I don't know. But you know what? In any case, I was still quite touched. You remembered!! THANK YOU, WEIGUANG!!

Feels like I haven't been THIS relaxed in a long while. Or rather, I haven't laughed as much in one evening in a long while. I truly truly enjoyed it, even though we were taking photos a lot more than anything else:

Didn't get any picture of Gary taking photos. What a waste. Still....

Actually, I haven't really seen Weiguang really smiling before. Not that he doesn't ever smile, but today's smile is just... a lot more natural...

So, if I really do have to really record my birthday wishes... It'll be that Mr Sunflower always smiles as brightly as the sunflower! =) [Seriously though, I really so don't like or rather feel weird about having my voice recorded.. ]

Missing you...

Does the Yaofang now smile more fakely and less sweetly than the past? When looking at my JC class photo just now, my mum commented that my smile was so much sweeter then.

Somehow, I seem to reflect alot at night. Had the sudden urge to colour print some of my JC photos and stick them up all around my table...

Thank you, Gek Koon!!!!

During my one hour stroll home today, I heard this song on the radio, and the first person I thought that fitted this description was you..

<<知己>>
喜欢你的脸　像天使那么动人
用微笑遮盖　心中所有泪痕
我看到你　孤单自己平衡　你让我心痛心疼

喜欢你的人　那么真那么诚恳
阳光的笑容　温暖受伤的人
勇敢的你　却独自抚平伤痕　
你给我友谊的真

感谢你　
聆听我的孤寂　陪我一同哭泣
让我不害怕　那落幕后的空虚
我的心　终於寻得知己疼惜

感谢你　
看出我的孤寂　让我放心哭泣
让我不害怕　那不被了解的苦
我的心　站在舞台为你跳舞

冷酷世界　虽然风雨从不停
但我拥有你　我的心再也不下雪

The bold part especially. Thank you. I feel so much better today after talking to you. Thanks for always being able to cheer me up, to side me even though I sound like a brat.

Thank you, Gek Koon!

Happy Birthday, my dearest little sister!

Shan't sing the 'cute' birthday song I recorded for you last year.. but still,

Happy birthday my little piggy sister!!! =)

Hope you like your present and birthday cake! =)

A break for a day!

It's been a long time since I've actually had the opportunity of not working at all for the entire day. The feeling of lazing in bed, or going with mum to the supermarket, reading the papers in the afternoon is bliss when you've not had the chance to do that in a long time.

On my way to the train station yesterday, I bumped into 2 JC students. They were from 2 different JCs and it just reminded me of someone. Then at the supermarket today, I heard a song that reminded me of you too, simply cause those lyrics appeared in one of the letters you wrote during the run up to A levels.

I almost smsed to ask how you've been, whether you've started on your IA. Of course I didn't. As I've said before, you are no longer my friend, yah? And it's not very difficult to find out about you without asking, cause all I have to do is to glance at your 'infoboard' online. Not that I look at it often nowadays though.. but you know what?

I still get pissed looking at it.

I can see everything is back to normal for you, everything is nice and happy already right? Or perhaps everything that you've complained off was just pure exaggeration, not really lies, but not totally true either. So now that things become fine for you, you no longer need the person who's nice to use when you're down isn't it? When I compare you with another secondary classmate of yours, I would say that even if he has changed a lot, when the need arises, he's still a true friend. Then again, it's unfair to compare the two of you, cause ever since we stopped being uniformed-students, I've learnt that you are not, and can never be a real friend, or, a friend in need.

I really really detest you.. and if I've a choice, I really don't mind deleting a certain part of my memory. Really. Even if your friend reads this and tells you about it, and knowing you, you'll probably be pissed, it's really no longer my problem. Cause I really do want to wipe out my memory.

Happy Birthday, Weiguang!

Somehow, I'm just dead sleepy so I'm not really going to blog about my day. Still, that doesn't mean I can't muster any energy to type the three most important word for today, especially since I didn't get to see the birthday boy in the end...

Happy Birthday, Weiguang!!

Actually, it feels weird calling you that.. I think I'm already too used to calling you Mr Tan, idiot (my endearing term.. haha), Mr Randall etcetc...

In any case, did you realise it's the 4th year I didn't get to see you for your birthday? And the dunno how many times you can't make it at the last minute? Actually, it doesn't really matter. The main point of the dinner was just to let you know that you (and your birthday) matters.. and since you are troublesome with your company... (I know, you prefer adorable gals for company, right? haha... though I can't describe Gary as that.. huh, Gary?? Haha)

Heard a song that had quite nice lyrics. In a way, it did remind me of you... and a few others.. So since I can't exactly dedicate this song... Err.. can I just dedicate the lyrics? (Though some parts are totally inapplicable lah...)

Am I blabbering rubbish? In any case, Happy Birthday, yah?

* * * * * *

一个像夏天一个像秋天
词: 姚若龙

第一次见面看你不太顺眼

谁知道后来关系那么密切

我们一个像夏天一个像秋天

却总能把冬天变成了春天

你拖我离开一场爱的风雪

我背你逃出一次梦的断裂

遇见一个人然后生命全改变

原来不是恋爱才有的情节

如果不是你我不会相信

朋友比情人还死心塌地

就算我忙恋爱把你冻结冰

你也不会恨我只是骂我几句

如果不是你我不会确定

朋友比情人更懂得倾听

我的弦外之音

我的有口无心

我离不开Darling更离不开你

你了解我所有得意的东西

才常泼我冷水怕我忘形

你知道我所有丢脸的事情

却为我的美好形象保密

* * * * * *

This lyrics remind me of 2 others... One of whom is somewhere in another country. Still so long before August gets near, and I miss having you in Singapore already! =(

On another note, someone told me he tendered his resignation about 6 weeks ago? At that time, he said he didn't want to work through the 2 months notice. Since then, I haven't really seen him online... If you do read this, at least let me know how you are now, k? In any case, you still owe me a meet up for lunch! =)

What the hell?

Which other bloody organisations have some head sending this? Just makes me hate you even more.

In case you're wondering, here's the email I received:

The Community Chest of Singapore was set up to raise funds for needy charities in Singapore. We support the SHARE program of the Community Chest. I wish to encourage all employees to participate in this program. Your contribution will bematched dollar by dollar by NI. I understand that you are currently a non-contributor. I encourage you to support this worthy cause, by contributing a modest sum of $3 amonth, or more.

And it was cc-ed to my ex-manager. Ex, cause I'm no longer in that department with effect from Monday. But, that ex-manager had to email me asking me if I have the form, and cc-ed it to my current manager.

If you want me to donate, you jolly well let me choose. The more you force me, the more I can't be bothered. And I so hate you! Yes, let me repeat on this bright Saturday afternoon.

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!