Of chocolates and biscuits

The moment my sister saw me holding her camera and arranging chocolates and biscuits, her first conclusion was that the food was definitely not bought by me. How else would I photograph food, of all things?

True enough although she was only partially right about the giver of the food.

It's been such a long while since PLC exams. Even the most dreaded results are coming out on the 24th, which is some time next week. And Daniel still remembers the cute sweet he owes me, only that what he gave were chocolates, not sweets! Still, it's the thought that counts, and I really LOVE the cute chocolates! Thank you!!!!

The cute chocolates

Aside from the lovely chocolates, Peiqi gave me some biscuits which I loved in JC. Oh well, I guess the biscuits still bring back fond memories and so even if they don't taste as perfect as before, I still love them! And Qi actually remembered that I loved them, and the reason behind it too! Thank you so much too!!!!!!!!

The biscuits from Qi. The one on the right is the one that I'm talking about, whereas the one on the left is just.... what I prefer to eat! =)

Looks like I'll be having some comfort food at work! And it really feels likely that I'll be needing them real soon. Can't help but notice that there's someone who behaves like TSC in IP, and I dread going to her room. Yet, I don't have a choice do I? There are only 4 partners in IP. It can't be that I can actually hide from them all, right?

On another note, I'm beginning to like Real Estate, the moment I am out of it. Or rather, it has more to do with the people I work for. I was rather pleasantly surprised when one of the partner I'm doing work for actually knows that I prefer litigation. I wonder where he heard that from. But, it's a nice feeling, to be noticed =)

On a side note, since Gary has already uploaded today's photos onto his blog... Here are the photos!

The birthday cake.. since I do have a share of the cake, I get to put up the rather pretty photo too, right? But then, whoever celebrates birthdays one MONTH later?

As what Gary calls this.. the mandatory group photo. I agree with Qi, that my cyan blouse looks white in the photo!

Happy

Was deciding between "happy" and "contented", and I decided the former was still more apt. Afterall, you can be happy without being contented, but you cannot be contented and not happy

Today was my first day in IP, although it didn't really felt so. Why? Simply cause I haven't introduced myself to anyone in IP, yet. Amusingly enough, now that I'm no longer in RE, I actually spent an entire day on RE work. Yes, RE, RE and more RE! Frankly though I prefer where I am working now, at least I feel cheerier with what I am doing. And the feeling of being occupied was just great!

Oh yes, and before I forget.. to a certain Mr Tan, thanks for the rather thoughtful sms this morning! =)

Dinner at Chinatown tomorrow. Must work even faster so that I can knock off at a decent time. And gosh.. I'm so looking forward to following Maureen out for a client meeting tomorrow!

Human interaction is not my cup of tea?

Was still pondering whether yesterday's entry needs amendments (that's the ill-effects of doing proof reading at work, I tend to proof read my entries nowadays..) but then, I decided against turning it correct. Afterall, although blogs are meant to be in the public domain (ie you have to watch what you are typing, but if one is going to edit everything to please everyone, then the blog loses its inital use, that is, to be true to one's thoughts. In that case, it'll be better not to have a blog at all, since you won't even dare to rant in it, agree?)

Seriously though, I really think I'm over capable of thinking too much. Who else is able to feel guilty over nothing for more than a day! Oh well, it might also be due to me concussing way too much these two days, such that, my total waking hours equate with my normal hours spent feeling guilty.

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And initially, I thought there would be more food for thought today, especially after what I had planned to do this morning, ie. drop by Buangkok MRT today for some 'talk programme'. Yet, when I got there, I didn't see any UFM personnel. So suffice to say, there's nothing much to talk of on that.

And yes, Buangkok MRT is finally opened, after a whole barrage of excuses. Not enough residents in the area? I wonder what HAS changed. Perhaps the greatest determining factor (ie, the great big E is round the corner) huh?

Certain topics are meant for private conversations, definitely not in the public domain. I've realised that studying law has its advantages and disadvantages. One tends to be a bit careful when talking/doing things.

Whilst chatting with a friend last night, I made one comment of his change since JC. Actually, it's really difficult to not change at all with time. Me? Somehow, I think I've changed for the worse. More irritable for one. Told Mingyi sometimes last week on MSN (I think it's last week, though I'm not sure) that I don't exactly like human interaction. Perhaps I've just forgotten how to mix harmoniously with people. Perhaps I've become even more protective of myself that I've built an even thicker, harder shell around myself. Have I become less sensitive, less caring, less trusting, colder and more self-centred? Frankly, I think so.

But as a particular saying goes, it's way easier to change for the worse than to get rid of the bad habits. It's one thing to know one's faults, and another to be able to reverse it for that matter. Seriously, I don't foresee myself becoming less detestable in the near future.

Another sign of my bad habits - procrastinating! I had initially planned to finish the work I owed WL and LY over this weekend since firstly, I've already rotated to another department, secondly, WL's work was given last week and thirdly, LY's work is due this week. In the end, rather than researching, reading and writing, I end up merely typing... this entry. Goodness gracious! I guess I definitely don't qualify as a workaholic then. Not when I don't particuarly bring work home to complete.

Seriously though, uncertainty is never good, especially if it affects your aim. Being without a goal means you do not know what exactly are you working towards. And when you do not know what you are working towards, you tend not to do anything about it.

It's Always the Same People Who Can Affect You Most - fragmented thoughts

A tad too tired to think of a title, and so, I decided to copy it off my MSN nick.

Whilst saying something today, I suddenly realised that I've been meeting quite a number of people this week. Not a bad thing actually, just that, it's surprising, at least for me.

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Yesterday was the last day in Real Estate. It's a little hard to believe that one month passes so quickly. Perhaps the weekly 4-day-week did the trick, but towards the end, it wasn't as badly awful as at the beginning. At least, towards the last week, there was work to keep me occupied. In fact, work came from one of the lawyers for the first time, and frankly, I really prefer doing work for him than some others. At least he was more willing to set time aside to explain and receive my completed work.

Met up with Gek Koon in the evening to collect the birthday present that I was supposed to have already received before my birthday. Thanks Peiqi! I LOVE the stickers! And the toy/art gadget! Ermz.. I'll practise a bit more first before I make you something, in case it looks uglier than what your kids make.. Hee...

Yesterday's dinner made me suddenly notice how time flies, or rather, how much we've grown older. Or perhaps it's just Koon's fault for looking more haggard than usual?

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Went cycling with Nelson, Vicknesh and Nelson's friend (I think his name is Shawn?) It was fun and I can cycle (which was sort of a fact a while ago already, only that I didn't know how to not 'kill' myself cycling that's all) . Oh yes, and as is usual (at least for me) after cycling, I've now 2 blisters on my hands, 1 kind of injured knee, and a 3-4 cm long bruise, on top of the 2 blisters I had on my ankle yesterday. For the bruise, I didn't notice it till I got home, but it at least made the fact that my ankle felt numb towards the end of the cycle seem more sensible. Since I'm already whining, I shall whine a little bit more. My knee hurts! As in I can't bend or straighten without feeling the pain. And it feels a kind of inflammed too.

I really don't know what came over me to call a friend to ask for plasters after I felt the pain and the numbness. And he did come down with the first aid box (which only had plasters.. Hmm..) Frankly, come to think of it, I should not have done so. I mean, if I could ignore it and continue cycling for quite a bit more, what's the difference with dealing with it when I got back, right? It's just my whining and self-centred nature popping up, I guess.

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As I was walking with the group for lunch and throughout the rest of the time I was with the guys (especially after a call from another person) I couldn't help recalling a deleted part of an earlier entry. Am I the one guilty of giving up the friendship instead? Perhaps I am just too much of an attention-seeker? Or perhaps it's just a case of forgiven but never forgotten.

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My knee seriously hurts, especially with the hot sensation emanating from the covered wound (I just realised.. why on earth did I use plaster without medication? or even better, cotton wool without medication?) K lah, but I seriously hope I won't have to limp to Buangkok station for the UFM100.3 talk tomorrow. Should be interesting! =)

It's been a week since the sun was out

That was an apt comment by Gary over dinner today (Note that this is but the gist of what he said, as I've interpreted it. Who remembers exact words, right?)

Being the nice and adorable girl I am, I met up with some petty guy who had to remind me that I 放 him飞机 last year. For goodness sake, it was only a few weeks ago, no one else would consider that as last year, yahz? In any case, dinner was not bad (especially with extra entertainment from the expression of the guy beside us) and I got to eat what I had initally wanted to have with my sis yesterday.

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Being an indifferent and fake person is very much an art. I actually found it rather amusing that I smiled at a particular female I didn't exactly liked when I bumped into her along Citylink Mall. And I was quite glad too, at least she saw me in my black coat. Fake sense of superiority, but who cares. She may be superior in her school, but outside, at least she isn't.

Isn't it interesting how fake people can be?

A colleague from law school wondered aloud about why cars had to be sheltered whereas human beings didn't. It was a mere spin-off from the observation that there were shelters leading to the car park (as well as the car park itself, of course) whereas there were not much of sheltered walkways around. Being in the argumentative mood that I was, I casually said that cars had value whereas humans don't. I mean, you can put a value to car, but you can't to a human, that's why people mistakenly view the car as "more important". And then the person had to argue that lawyers earn dah-dah-dah per hour, and that is our value. I'm still rather amused by my rather frank rebuttal. That I would rather see a person for their relative "value" (ie. importance) to me as a friend, than their monetary value at work. I mean, who cares if I'm worth a decent amount for my work. Ultimately, I'll be happier to be regarded as priceless to my friends, right? (Sadly though, I doubt I'm worth much in this regard too huh?)

That's basically me in my argumentative mood when I wasn't in the mood to entertain fellow humans (note the description ie. I didn't use friend) I guess I still have limited tolerance in being ultra nice to people huh? But like what I've told Mingyi this morning, I guess I don't exactly love interacting with people. It's just me, I guess.

Can't remember exactly why I told my sis my usual theory of friends ought not to be colleagues, but I continue to maintain that view. Like what I've mentioned eons ago, that's basically the reason why I would never ever apply for pupillage in a particular firm (which I enjoyed myself in thoroughly, despite it being "small" in the words of some others). Perhaps I really did value that friendship much more.

Seriously though, trust is a difficult word. A child's ability to trust is much stronger simply because he/she has not been at the receiving end of an abuse of trust. It doesn't even necessary mean being able to keep a secret, but rather, the belief that another would not hurt you. Even amongst people you regard as close friends, it is still possible for some to hurt you. Perhaps even more than others too, simply because you've trusted them much more. Trust me. Perhaps I am just petty I guess, but once the relatively fragile picture of trust has been broken (or simply that you've been hurt before by someone you've trusted) nothing can be the same. A broken mirror may be mended, but the cracks will always remain permanent.

Perhaps that's why I prefer to keep my distance. This way, you do not hand out knives for others to stab you from behind.

Even more so when there's 利害关系 involved.

Doesn't make much sense, does it? Oh well, blame it on the freezing cold weather, which had me almost turning into a block of ice. Hopefully tomorrow will be a warmer day, yah?

PS: To whoever the person who enjoys calling me by a certain 3 alphabets... for goodness sake, can you PLEASE stop it? Grrr....

Watching tv isn't exactly a bad thing either..

Somehow, the effect of the fundraiser hasn't exactly worn off yet. Perhaps the inspiration I got is really here to stay. That'll be good.

Depite the heavy rain, my mood today was ultra sunny. And for once, I bumped into loads of people I didn't expect to see today. First, there was Kum Fu rushing in the direction of UOB, then there was Mingyi who came all the way down to have lunch with Hongwen who in the end couldn't make it. And there was Adele too, with a bunch of people. By the time I decided to go home, I ran into Mark at the station too. Oh well, familiar faces really do make my day huh? =)

Of course, there was also work too. My desk was in an ultra messy state, which meant I had quite a bit of work! Yippee! No more stoning in front of the computer. And the usually stern Maureen had something nice to say too!

I'm soo happy today!!!! =)

仁心慈爱照万千-观后感

终于, 仁心慈爱照万千2006又落幕了. 在众多慈善表演中最能让我关心数字跳动, 也莫过於此节幕了.

同样是人, 同样为的是慈善, 但不同的人却选择用不同的方式. 当你猫哭老鼠时, 你可曾想过你理直气壮的举动会连累多少人又伤害多少人呢? 还是在这自我中心重的社会里, 这一切都不重要?

而你, 自从脱离"苦海", 飞回树上当凤凰后, 就忘了雪中送炭所带给他人的温暖吗? 若不是, 那你又为何要抨击那些真正发自内心做善事的人呢? 受伤了不起吗? 又不单你一人受伤..

还有你, 我好想知道你又如何看待这节幕呢? 又想说人们傻, 容易骗吗? 可是, 自小嘴里含金汤匙的你, 真的懂得怜悯之心吗?

当然, 我根本毫无资格说你们. 我只能说我对法师有着万分的尊敬. 人们常说男儿有泪不轻弹, 法师的泪水在这寒冷, 风雨交加的夜里, 却足以溶化许许多多冰冷的心. 以身作则往往是最令人尊敬的.

其实, 法师走双板的一幕不禁勾起我的回忆. 还记得当时 law interview 时, 我还曾说念法律也能帮助他人, 不一定要念 social work. 时间的流失, 每日的奔波, 却让我逐渐丧失理想, 失去方向. 在这新的一年里, 我又可否悬崖勒马呢, 也只有时间会知道..

无论如何, 法师谢谢你, 因为我至少不那麽彷徨, 也知道明早起床上班的意义, 且得到重新面对一切的勇气. 谢谢!

Not a very nice me

Just read a friend's blog (I assume you don't mind me counting you as my friend.. Otherwise you can either leave a message here, or type it in your next entry =p) Although I amended a certain portion of my blog before reading hers, I still could not help but feel guilty. Hey gal, I really don't mind you reading my blog, in fact, I love reading yours too (other than... you know, your blog with all the food makes me HUNGRY!) Just that, I tend to shoot my mouth (ermz.. something to that extent) without much thought, which makes me highly likely to incur the wrath of others or even.. sued for defamation (read my really really old entries and you'll understand) But I trust that you'll not tell on me, and so, do continue reading! And pointing out my flaws too!

To the rest of my friends who see this, hey, you are welcome to leave comments, scold me and point out when I should watch my words, k? I know my own character, and I know that I don't make a good friend and can be an awful brat, so go ahead and lecture, for otherwise it'll be a case of spare the rod and spoil the child (Ehz.. I AM younger than almost every one of my reader, so I AM qualified to be a child, k?)

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Sometimes, I think the weather doesn't really like me either. Was supposed to go cycling with Nelson and Vicknesh but it rained for the entire day without any break! The rain is still going strong and it doesn't seem to want to stop any time soon either. My dear rain, since you've been so nice as to go on and on for the whole day, would you mind not ceasing till tonight? The Ren Ci Charity Show will be on tonight, and with the neverending rain, I think the Republic Plaza and surrounding areas will be superbly slippery. If you stop now and the place looks more or less less slippery, the CEO of Ren Ci may still go ahead with his stunt, made even more dangerous with an entire day of rain. So please don't stop, so that you can thwart the scary stunt.

Gosh.. that seems like another manifestation of the not-nice me. But I really do not enjoy watching a human circus and having to worry for the stunt artiste. I wonder how the donations will be today. Will it reach the target as set? I really do hope so, for it feels like the closest link to what was the previously MediaWorks-owned Channel U. Time really flies huh? It's already been one plus year since I've become utterly disappointed at the lack of 人情 in this society. But there's nothing I can do about it right?

(I though I've just heard the news.. that the scary stunt will still be carried out.. ARE YOU KIDDING??)

Humans supposedly differ from beast because humans supposedly have emotions. But do emotions really make human better? The naive me once really believed so. But then, if you really do think about it, there are also many others who succeed even more simply because they are able to look at each matter matter-of-factly and not let emotions get in their way. That being the case, perhaps emotions are just excess baggage. People may say that only when you are able to feel can you feel happy. Yet at the same time, it's only because one can feel that makes one susceptible to sadness, and to a more extreme form, depression too.

No, the above paragraph has nothing to do with my day today. In fact, my sudden bout of sadness lasted not too long today, a marked improvement I must say. Perhaps typing truthfully really makes things feel a lot better. There were some things that I would more or less do, but cannot verbalise it as yet because the consequences may be dire if these thoughts were leaked before the actual actions itself. Being able to mention it in passing without incurring any negative comments really felt good later on. Thank you, my usual MSN listener =) I'm beginning to whine a bit too much that I truly deserve a tight slap huh? =)

A thought suddenly came over me today.. Perhaps one reason why I was a happier person in JC could be because I was slightly more involved in community service. Perhaps now that I do not have the stress of exams, it's time for me to participate in something meaningful again and prevent my thoughts/emotions from running wild. So... any takers to do volunteer work together?

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On a lighter note, Singapore was plagued with loads of 'bombings' and even a 'suicide bomber' today. Yes, it's our meant-to-be-surprising little amusing exercise for today. And the hospitals were prepared for the casulties even before the 'bombs exploded'. I really must take my hat off these people. Their ability to predict the future is surprising huh? Even better, to quote off yahoo website:

"In future, he said Singapore plans to hold similar drills on biological attacks - whether man-made or natural outbreaks such as bird flu.

There will also be cross-border collaborations with health officials in neighbouring countries."

Pardon me for my stupidity, but why on earth do you carry out such exercises? Is it really that useful when you've informed the whole at large that you will be conducting it some time? And those in charge don't take part too, they merely observe at the MRT stations. Watching the news just now, some of the casulties look amused themselves. How hilarious can it get? And we are going cross border to teach others? Hmm...

Shallow in thought?

Ever wondered why there's the phrase "deep in thought" but not a "shallow in thought"? It's also another form of thinking but unlike being focused on something, your brain waves are swooshing at all different directions, participating in many a jumble of thoughts all at once..

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Procrastinating is bad. I meant to type a happy entry yesterday, but felt way too tired to type. Nevermind, I shall try to transport myself back to yesterday and see how successful I am at that.

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I don't know what came over me, but in the end, I really did type partially about what was bothering me to someone after the dinner on Thursday. Perhaps I'm just not used to confiding, at that point in time, I was just typing and typing, but it was typed all in a matter of fact manner. You know, the kind where you don't have any feelings at the time of "whining"?

But it sure felt happy "chatting" with an old friend I trust. It's been such a long time but you'll always be the friend whom I can totally transform into the irritating little girl behaviour, however old I get. And yahz.. the friend I'll always be grateful to. You know, I wanted you to turn up for my commencement mainly because up till today, I still think I owe my university place to you. If not for your encouragement (not sure if you still remember your banana skill story), your time in helping me with school work (not to mention your scariness), I don't think I'll ever be able to get into uni, much less take the course which I ended up in. So yahz, I owe my degree to you (even though it's not that good, but that's through my own fault..) and now you understand why I want you back before the last Saturday of May (or if you want to be back that day that's your problem, so long as you can get back to see me get called *hopefully I would..*)

Seriously though, it felt good to just type and not worry about news spreading to the wrong people. Even more so when I actually "had company" during office hours yesterday. Typing about I-can't-remember-what just made everything seemed brighter.. I could even light bounce in the office (can't exactly skip like what I used to do across NJ library cause I'm supposedly older and have to supposedly look more mature at work) But, the light hearted feeling just felt much better.. I was even slightly more talkative (as compared to the past few days) when I had lunch with Xinyi too..

Had dinner with Sihao, before he leaves for Australia for his studies. Seeing the so-much-taller him just reminds me of how time flies. And later when we were back home msn-ing, he said something that reminded me so much of the short sms "conversation" I had with another friend about my behaviour at the dinner the night before. Can't help wondering.. have I been a bad influence? Hahahaha..

Oh, and I received an email reply to a letter I hand delivered on Tuesday. Though it was a negative reply, it really didn't affect me at all. Perhaps I really wasn't that keen to uproot myself to what I deem a more hostile environment. And, not to sound rude, their reply was really so dumb. Seriously! Don't ask me to type what they sent here, you go and guess what's so funny about it..

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I just realise that talking to an imaginary "person" is good mainly because it's so much easier to "talk" to nothing (in that it's so much easier to say what you feel like saying) and it feels so much better after that. I started this entry whilst somewhere on the fine line of breaking down and not, but at the end of this, I'm actually feeling way much better. Still I did a yahoo search earlier to test my suspicions and came up with this:

WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION?

The following are the most common symptoms of depression. If you experience 5 or more of these symptoms for 2 weeks or longer, you are probably depressed.

• Persistent sadness or feeling down or gloomy
• A loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed, such as socializing with friends and family, most of the day, nearly every day.
• Loss of appetite and loss of weight.
• Insomnia. For some people, on the contrary, they find that they are sleeping more than normal.
• Feeling restless and agitated more easily.
• Feeling tired and having little energy.
• Unable to concentrate and think clearly and thereby becoming indecisive.
• Feeling of worthlessness and guilt
• Recurrent thoughts of death

That was from IMH website, by the way.

And of course, I'm not going to count aloud here which criterias I've satisfied. Only that I realised that I've been almost on the verge of tears every other day (if not more often) and often for reasons that are not necessary of that big deal. And the fact that things that could normally stretch my over-bubbliness to a few days are now capable of making me high only for a day at most, thought it's usually for a few hours. And there are times when I really wanted to have a knife stab me, not due to any suicidal thoughts, but more of to feel whether I can feel anything. When a box file fell and brushed past me just now whilst I was still hunting for letter containing a password to a certain database (which I still can't find due to the ultra neatness that I must maintain) I could even calmly and matter of factly wonder why it narrowly missed my spine. But then I remembered my life was at least worth almost $50,000.. The amount that I'll be in debt with if for any reason I can no longer work. At least my "healthiness" is still worth something huh? Though it also proves that I don't have the right to make any decisions, even for myself.

Instead of typing my favourite disclaimer here (the idea of which is getting a bit stale), let's just say, don't worry too much about me. I am, and will be able to pick myself up somehow. Can't help but be reminded of a childhood song that had the phrase.. "zi ji die dao, zi ji pa"

I'll be fine

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As an after-thought, I forgot to add that I received something that I've wanted through snail mail today. My very own maple leaf transported from Canada! Thank you, Yangzhong! (though I don't think you have this website..)

There you go, the maple leaf that made my morning

Perceptions

Time passed easily today, despite work today not being very much different from any other. In fact, I popped by Benjamin/Laura's room to get IP too. Despite Adrian's suggestion that I get work from partners, I guess I still prefer turning to familiar people, especially since I'm not in that department... yet.

Just as what I told Clarissa today, the trick to surviving work is to have something to look forward to. Nothing else mattered as much today because my main aim was to not stay back too late. And it gave me an excuse not to go for the what-I-deemed-awkward Thursday tea. It's not that I'm very close to the pupils and I really don't feel comfortable socialising for the sake of it. Yet, it's almost a weekly thing that the pupils will turn up unless they're busy, so... Anyway, I just gave the excuse that I had to leave on time today cause I had a dinner appointment, which was true in any case!

Met up with Shamini and Guoxing. I guess my worries yesterday was rather unfounded. It was good to meet up... though I guess I overdid my bubbliness to the point that I was over suaning Guoxing. Hmm.. but it really did felt good cause I could once again revert back to the Yaofang that I was and not by some other description. But things do change over the years... Just like I've changed drastically too. But there's no point in always looking back, cause I'll never learn to appreciate now, right? =)

Un-truthful-ness

Ever exactly sat down and think about how truthful you are?

These days, if I were Pinnochio, my nose length would have broken the world record.

Still remember my analogy about effervescence yesterday? It's like.. not wanting to open the stopper so that external atmosphere will not enter and contaminate the reaction.

Is it because reality, or rather, societal life is harsh? Or am I just afraid to lean?

Or perhaps just as what I type in my nick.. that I'm just bordering upon being extra so I'm afraid to breach that line?

Yesterday afternoon, I suddenly thought of turning to "insecticide".. (Those in the know.. you know what I mean.. those who don't.. please don't be overly smart and really think of the canned chemical yahz?) But yet when insecticide appeared, whatever I wanted to complain just got stuck.

A bit stupid right? No wonder some "idiot" used that word 3 times in 3 consecutive smses.. Haha.. Seriously though, too much faking just results in super numbness to a certain point where I wonder if I would still feel pain if a knife stabbed through (which of course I'm not THAT dumb to do so..)

No wonder my mum said I used to cry a lot when I was a little kid (Though I must add, proudly I must say, that I never cried when I was sent to school! Yes, even on first days!) Cause these days, I just really feel really borrowing someone's shoulders but I just couldn't think of any...

Feeling apprehensive about meeting friends I was once closed to tomorrow.. Will it be another case of 皮笑肉不笑?

Argh... what's wrong with me? It's the new year... Come on.. be cheery CHEERY CHEERY!

A simple gesture means a lot

Was feeling gloomy ever since pupillage resumed. And the gloom worsen over the course of late last week due to some action of a certain person. Granted, I won't be staying. Granted, I am thankful that you took me in. But still, simple things do hurt and affect my opinion. Perhaps that was the catalyst that drove me to react. Yet, just like effervescence occuring in a sealed test tube, that pressure is perhaps a tad difficult to bear.

And so, to ease the pressure, the simplest thing is to remove the cork.. even if it is a slight removal.

I don't know why I choose to tell the person I told today. But I think meeting up with part of the PA people was good, cause the short few minutes of partial confiding actually eased the pressure significantly.. before anything became too hard to bear..

Shall upload the photo another day when I'm less tired..

(Photo uploaded 7/1/2006)

But what significantly brightened up the night and probably the week was a super belated New Year cum Christmas cum birthday card. And I bet the 'idiot' who sent it did so after he received the Christmas card I sent. And he probably forgot my surname too. And he had the cheek to refer to me as "irritating brat" or say that I don't look "the least bit as loving and kind" as the teddy bear in the card. But all that doesn't matter. Even more so when I took a good look at the front of the card which the word "granddaughter" printed on it.

一张普通却意外的卡片, 写满着讽刺却隐藏着关怀, 这就是我收到最棒的礼物, 也是令我最开心的惊喜. 谢谢你, 我亲爱的朋友!

Thank you really, grandfather. It's been years since we've last written postcards and stuff to each other. Yet, one look at the envelope and I knew the super red card was from you. As I read the card, the vague familarity of certain phrases just brought back a flood of memories. I kept saying I miss uniformed school these few days. But what I truly miss is the days of being surrounded by all my dearest friends. Thank you, for bringing back the warmth just when I'm feeling cold. Thank you, Guoxing!

ReVeRiEz on UnCeRtAiNTiEs

Shall start off with better news first. I've cleared my work. Right now, I'm just waiting and waiting to see PL whilst having way too much free time on my hands.

And of course, since I've so much free time, the most normal thing to do is to let my mind wander. Too much free time also allows people to think way too much. To the extent that I'm beginning to have the same thoughts I had approximately 2 weeks ago. Seriously, I really don't know why my perceptions have changed. And it's all a matter of a few months!

Then again, there are certain other things that've changed over the years too. Not that it has totally changed, else I wouldn't be bugged by it right? Can't help but conclude that sometimes, there's no point in over-planning. What's meant to be will be. Why waste so much effort right?

ReVeRiEz on ThE eFFeCts oF TiMe

Can't help but be in the reflective mood again.. Maybe it's the night, or the songs that I was listening to on my way home, or maybe it's just the end of the year again.

These few days, I've been having really weird dreams. It's been half a year since I've graduated from NUS, yet almost everyday, my dreams revolve around me still being in NUS.. either that, or the backdrop of my dreams were all NUS based. Such a familiar feeling. It wasn't too long ago that I would dream of classroom based dreams. How time flies..

Yesterday's dream was interesting. If dreams were a reflection of what goes on in my mind, I seriously have no idea how that dream came about. Or maybe I do. 2 friends from the same faculty were upset.. one said he was and the other just showed it. And I was more worried for the latter. Perhaps that was just a reflection, an indication of real life too, for certain friendships just get more bland along the way..

Read a certain Mr Chan's blog.. He had this quiz that allowed one to reflect on the year that is about to end. And then, there was a certain Mr Tan's nick on MSN that posed a question somewhat to the effect of whether you would change anything if you could turn back time (ehz.. I really can't remember clearly, so if you are reading this, don't blame me if I remembered, wrongly, k, Mr Randall?)

Those who've had read my previous blog (if you haven't and don't know the blog address, hey, that's YOUR problem, not mine.. haha) would know that quite a few events in the previous year made me decide that being cold was the way to be. Compared to the time when I forced myself to be less emotional just because of a comment Jini made before I entered law school, these events were so much better at changing me. At least in my own opinion, I thought I had become a lot colder and numb-er, or so I think.. Thankfully, some things still keep me slightly likeable.. But you know how fried ice-cream is hot on the outside but really cool on the inside? I guess I'm just the opposite.. Cold on the outside but warmer inside.. That is, if I bother to stop being cold..

Speaking of which, I was really thrilled when I got home and saw 2 personal Christmas cards. It's not the number of cards that matter, but the contents and the people who sent it. Thanks Daniel! I'm so sorry I was way too tired to write you a card, but don't worry, I'll send you another card soon! And don't worry, I'm sure ALL of us would remember to meet up in May/June.. Even if you are busy, we can still turn up at your place since you've just given us your address, RIGHT? hahaha...

The other card came from Qiuyan. 10 years. That's how long since I've first known and last seen her. As she aptly pointed out, it's so wonderful to know that somewhere out in the world, there's always another friend.. even if you don't meet up. Reminds me of kor and Guowen too. Net friends of 10 years. Still remembered I knew kor from the S-league chat room when S-league first started.. That's where I knew Johnson too.. As for Guowen, it was a really weird way to start of a net friendship that has since sprawned a decade. I think we've only chatted once before he mailed me a Christmas card. Still have that card till now. Hmm.. wonder how he's been now.. and wonder when he'll see the Christmas card I sent, as per our usual habit each Christmas..

Although people do grow up and things become different, certain things will always remain the same in some tiny corner in your heart. Maybe that's what makes me still so childish a person. Whatever the case, let's hope that the friendship that I treasure most will not be eroded along with time...

Note: The certain Mr Radio just put up his sub-nick again just for me (or so he says) though I think it's more likely that he just wants me to put up his sub-nick correctly. Anyway, it's supposed to be "if you could rewind your time, would you change your life" It's not that much different from what I remembered, right? =p

ReVeRieZ on SoMe BoLiaOz PeRsOnaLiTy TeSts

Saw the link on my sister's blog, so since I'm still waiting for my hair to dry and not wanting to use my brain, I decided to try it...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

That was rather accurate I must say... or at least that's what I think

[30 Dec 2005: Now that I look at it.. it's not that accurate either. For eg. the part about never breaking a commitment.. NEVER is a bit too extreme.. and I can think of commitments that I would break already.. Hmm...]

ReVeRiEz on I dUn NeEd LiGhTsTiCkS!

Haha.. to those in the know.. sorry, I just had to make that comment which's targetted at one particular non-reader of this blog, or so I assume..

Anyway, since I'm still as free as ever now, I just have to type this..

Thank you to all those who smsed!! I feel so loved!! Really..

Who cares if no one celebrates your birthday with you? It's all a matter of perspective.. With everyone so busy, a simple sms will do just as fine.. Or maybe I'm just easy to please.. but I'm in an extra cheery mood today =)

Oh, and you know what? I've already received my best birthday presents.. and that's having and keeping all my friends.. =) Thank you!!!!!!! =)

ReVeRieZ on GrOwInG uP

Just couldn't help but point out that time passes really quickly. It seems just like yesterday when I had to deal with a bunch of really noisy kids. And today, one of the noisier bunch of them have officially graduated. Whether they'll go on to Sec 5, or that they'll be proceeding along the ITE path, I'm still super proud of them. Really.. =)

ReVeRiEz on WaTeR DrOpLeTs..

This is getting pretty bad. I think I'm on the verge of sinking into a bout of depression again.
Don't know why I just suddenly want to borrow a shoulder for 10 seconds... 10 seconds will be enough.. I think..
Really like MayDay's latest song's lyrics.. 才发现 笑着哭 最痛

ReVeRiEz on ThE ThiRd dAy oF PuPiLLaGe..

This seriously reminds me of a Christmas carol.. Must be due to the Christmas trivia questions I compiled yesterday at work, just for our Christmas function next week..
Somehow I think if not for the need to finish pupillage in time for mass call, or rather, the fact that I want my license, I would probably do enough to get myself fired.. Ok lahz.. not fired, more of getting myself into trouble. Perhaps the motivation and the love and zest for work has left me.. so that I couldn't be bothered less about proving myself.. Afterall, there's nothing much you can prove when you have hardly anything to do other than waiting and waiting, right?
3rd day back at work and 2nd day of pondering whether coming over here was a bad move. Or rather, whether I would want to, have the guts to seek greener pastures elsewhere. Or will these greener pastures eventually turn out to be yellowish grasslands instead? I mean, the grass always seems greener elsewhere, but when you are at it, it's no longer as green.
Why do I admire my pupil master so much? Is it really because of his style? Or is merely because he's an extremely nice pupil master, especially after having to deal with male and female bitches (I know male dogs are not bitches.. but... basically that's how you would describe some guys) Or perhaps it's just cause he's my pupil master?
Frankly, I don't know exactly. As I look back and review, I really can't help but notice that Adrian makes a much better pupil master (not that he can be a pupil master though) or even Mr Marini.. All the things I've learnt from my attachments at the smaller firms add up to a whole lot more than what I've learnt here. I guess... big firms and small ones have their own advantages.. Big firms tend to give you more perks... Yet, small firms throw you into the deep end, so that you have to learn to swim faster, else you sink..
I seriously think I've a self-torturing streak in me, considering that I actually prefer working than having nothing much to do. But that's where you learn too, right?
Class chalet tomorrow.. Supposed to help buy food... I seriously hope I can get up or at least not die of tiredness... =)

ReVeRiEz on WaY tOo MuCh TiMe On HaNd

2nd day back at work.. Things have become slightly better, at least I didn't have to stone for the entire day. But... I guess it's just me being biased and ungrateful.

I guess my mum was right when she suddenly mentioned about me hating a lack of work. True. Whenever I've way too much time at work, it just makes me less motivated to work.. Like, going to work is such a drag, cause I'll just be stoning when everyone else is working.. and yet, I have to pretend that I am busy doing work..

Zapped the pupillage checklist for my pupil master today. As I was glancing through the list, I realised that I learnt little of what is stated in the checklist. Coupled with hearing how others are faring in other firms, I just can't help but wonder again. And I can't help recalling that Vincent had told me the other time when I asked for his help in getting me another pupillage position, that I should avoid changing my pupil master too often. I can't imagine what he would say if he hears of me jumping ship. Tell him first, cause he got me the position, and it'll seem like I'm telling on the firm. Tell the firm, and I'll be equally disrespectful by not informing him before hand. Not only that, but I'm quite sure I don't know how to face my pupil master either. But... I do not have as much time as the rest to learn. Like what Peng Fong said... my learning curve has to be steeper than the rest. If I continue to stay here for my pupillage, I'll only be putting myself at a disadvantage. I guess it's very much like having a ticking countdown timer.. the short amount of time I have to learn is getting shorter and shorter as I type this.. And having "not wanting to 对不起 老板, pupil master, Mr Lek etc etc" doesn't count very much as suitably not-lame reasons for staying right?

I guess staying committed to something is simply not my cup of tea.. Over forcing myself to be cheery and bubbly just plunges me into deeper gloom once I'm out of the act.. I'll snap out of it once I leave for work again tomorrow.. Just make sure I don't walk towards Caltex House and beyond again tomorrow, like what I did today. UOB and Caltex House.. that's like 2 opposite directions. Trust me to do such nonsense unwittingly.. Haha...

On an even lighter note.. I haven't seen a certain Mr Chai online for quite a while. Wonder if my really ex worldwide speed post has reached him. Otherwise, I'll want to strangle SingPost. Afterall, I don't use worldwide speed post for the sake of burning money, do I?