A man's dreams are an index to his greatness - Zadoc Rabinowitz

You know you haven't been blogging for a long while when the layout of the blog looks unfamiliar to you

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One year, 365 days.. Numerous changes..

"If only time could freeze at that moment.."

Sounds familiar? Whenever things go wrong, it's so much easier to look back and wish things were like they were before, yet, is it possible?

Who is to guarantee that the environment would remain the same? The people in the scenario will not change? Like what I had copied in many entries earlier, the only thing that does not change is but change itself..

Express students in N(A), N(A) students in Express, mischievous ones becoming well behaved, or even students quitting school..

Familiarity surrounded by strangeness. Know yet not know.

But it's always good to be updated.. =) Familiar, likeable faces breeds happiness..

If only the changes applied to most of those adults. The cannot-make-it ones to be can-make it. Or perhaps attempt to improve their EQ and English before they attempt to pass on the right knowledge..

All these revamps in our education system seem to forget one important thing.. deal with the quality of the knowledge-attributor first...

Your element is Rain: Sad, lonely, distant and unique. You are quite distant from emotion and people, but you have been made this way by one thing or another. Your are truly unique yet fail to see it, and are quite creative be it in art, music, writing, etc.. You used to let people in now you don't even bother to try having been hurt so many times in the past. Your attitude is that you don't need anyone but yourself, people are just trouble waiting to happen. But you really do want to trust someone no matter if you see it or not, deep down your waiting for someone to come and set you free. This kind of depression can turn dangerous, don't let them get to you. Not everyone in the world will hurt you, humans are humans and are not perfect. So most likely sooner or later you'll meet someone who feels like you do and perhaps your shell will eventually disappear.

Contradictory

Ever had the experience that you didn't really want something that badly, yet when you get a negative response, you still had this niggling weird feeling?

Humans are such contradictory creatures. If you had wanted something, and then you didn't get it, granted, you would feel upset. Yet, it's interesting how one actually has this uncomfortable feeling too when one didn't put in any effort to apply for something, couldn't be bothered and then gets a rejection call. Perhaps it's just ego deflating.. 

Serenity missed..

Someone should tell our government that there's one weak link in their pro-family campaign. Make sure that single ie. unmarried young lawyers are not allowed to do divorce cases.. Just imagine hearing all the unhappy marriages, and of course, the 'helpful' clients who tell you never ever to get married..

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Something interesting in the news today.. Those who know me since jc would probably have greater idea about why I'm so interested in today's LianHe ZaoBao, as well as the New Paper (by the way, I didn't get the latter, so if any kind soul out that has it.. perhaps, you would like to present it to me? No.. I don't need the entire paper.. merely 2 pages..)

Time flies. Can't believe it's been 4 years already. Nevertheless, it's always wonderful to see nice stuff happening to people you know.. I mean, it's always nice to see them living a smooth-sailing life.. 

By the way, even though I love hearing that people I admire are in the papers, I do not think anyone enjoys the suspense at being told some things but not others.. it's kind of irritating, by the way..

Cebu trip gathering..

Just got back from my dinner with Cebu trip people.. Now that we've started counting.. it's been 5 years since our trip.. and about 3 years since we've all seen each other..

Meisi, Martin, Shamini, Carole.. kind of sad that they didn't make it in the end, but nonetheless, seeing Huihui, Lizhen, Jini, Adrian, Sijie and Guoxing was great too.. interestingly, Sharon Phua's name seemed to pop up now and then.. in fact, her name was even more memorable than Mr Tan's! Haha.. it just proves that in order to be remembered, you've got to be really really notorious =)

Somehow, this is one of the first gathering where I really really felt very happy just seeing/talking to the people.. and then still have that cheery feeling lingering by the time I'm home.. Not that we have that much in common.. Each of us are now doing our own stuff.. Huihui, Lizhen working at PWC, Jini waiting for her results.. Sijie the piano teacher... etc.. but somehow with the craps and stuff.. everything just felt the same... as if we were transported back in time..

Sometimes, it's not what we are doing that matters, but how much effort we put into something..

Come to think of it.. Cebu was really one of my best memories of jc life..

Reveriez reverie-ing
 
Argh! It must have been years since I've typed an entry, so much so that the earlier post that I typed turned out blank! But well, it does proves my earlier unpublished point on how things not remaining stagnant in time.
 
Memory is such an interesting thing.. Why do we all have indelible memory or better still, not have forgettory instead? Why do people actually think that happy memories are cherished ones, and sad memories are best forgotten? Sadly, happy memories are sometimes the culprit leading to a person's downfall. Just because the current happenings pale in comparison with those happy memories, some tend to be totally absorbed in them, neglecting the more important NOW.. Of course, these treasured memories can't be totally faulted either.. They are equally capable of bringing some warmth into rainy cold days too..
 
Cliche as it sounds, time does fly.. It's been a year since the last Racial Harmony Day came and left.. When I came across the entry in a friend's blog, somehow, I could clearly remember the classes I took that day last year, and even some of the clothes donned by them. And it's already been a year.. A blurry one in fact.. Interestingly, I do miss them a bit every now and then still...
 
And yes, SMP training yesterday. For some unknown reason, I was just totally drained at the end of it.. I can't say the 3 social workers did not make any effort.. In fact they did. The newspapers balls were really well made, as compared to the ones Victor used then. In fact, they remained perfectly in shape after our numerous bad aiming. Yet, at the same time, the training was all so familiar.. I could even predict what they would do next for the games, yes.. that was how similar it was..
 
Would I make a better mentor this time round? I really don't know. In fact, I can still remember blurly the messiness of our first session then.. Haven't heard from Iffah in years.. Nurul, well she called.. but I haven't been able to get her since..
 
Camp next week... but I really feel drained already..

contradiction
2 tests from the same website with almost opposing results..

Somehow, I think the angry soul one is realy quite accurate though..

Congrats! Your a Pure Angel! Angels, as far as most of them go, are all compatabile creatures, but Pure ones simply are symbols of God. Pure Angels always appear when a child is born, when a rainbow is seen, or when someone shares their first kiss. They never grow old, an can appear in the shape of a naked woman with white, bold wings. Pure angels are the carriers of god, and
show their love to everyone in the world.

You have an angry soul! Angry Souls arent always angry, but they cannot easily forgive and hold grudges. You probably often get in fights with your friends and family, and its difficult for you to understand. When someone makes a mistake, you don't let go easily and hold on to those memories. Your very stubborn and your rage is known to everyone. Though you never actually mean it, you can say mean things in a fight and go over board. Many people are sometimes intimidated by your anger. But you have many redeeming qualities and those are that you are quite intelligent and smart. You would make a good businesswoman or lawyer because you know how to prove your point. You cherish the ones around you, and appreciate life, even though you can complain or throw a tantrum now and then. The good things is, you keep your emotions very outspoken, and are normally a very happy person because all your rage is let on the outside. Anger is simply a state, but you, yourself as a person, are great.

RGCO concert
Never thought a concert that I wasn't exactly super keen on going could invoke such strong lingering emotions in me..

How long ago was it when I was there, one of the green monsters as kor would call me, absorbing the excitement, irritation etc.. All those feelings of being forced to appear for practices, rehearsals.. the numerous grumblings.. and the final elation at the end of everything..

Saw a junior up on stage.. Was already sec 4 when she joined.. Unlike all the rest, I did not take part in initiating her into erhu section.. but seeing her today, couldn't help but think.. she was a total newbie then.. and now, she's so much more an accomplished player than me..

not that I was awfully upset.. in fact, i just felt numb.. almost like i wanted to, yet couldn't feel a thing.. and it didn't exactly help meeting Daphne and Jamie.. a future successful doctor.. and another who's just informed me that she'll be doing her pupillage at Khattar Wong..

Somehow, this pupillage thing IS getting to me.. can't believe my guts when I actually typed out what I truly thought to Mingyi.. of course, I lied at the end so as not to seem so awfully rude and mean, but in case you are wondering, yes Mingyi, like what you said, it's really totally true that I cannot work with the current Mingyi. Actually, I would prefer it even more if you would just leave me alone and NOT pretend to be so knowing.. in case you haven't noticed, i'm merely 2 years YOUNGER than you, but that does not mean I'm not capable of sorting and deciding my own life without your interference. I'm totally entitled to do whatever i WANT to do, without you commanding me to.. In any case, only those whom i treat as my closer friends are ENTITLED to poke their noses into my affairs.. and I'm quite sure the person you are right now is nowhere near to gaining that right, now, or anytime soon.. so please wait till you are somewhere near that before you meddle in MY affairs.. so for goodness sake, LIN MINGYI can you please LEAVE ME ALONE and keep your mouth shut unless you have better stuff to say?

One week of slacking...

Just recieved the cheque from Rodyk.. it's more than what I thought.. =)

Wasn't in a good mood earlier today.. came online twice to see if certain people were online.. did see one out of the list.. but in the end still didn't feel like talking.. hmm...

Pupillage application next week.. hmm...

Happy Belated Birthday......

Somehow I've been humming Ocean's Gu Dan Bei Ban Qiu for the whole day..

Someone whom I really look up to just celebrated his birthday a few days ago. Wonder how he has been for the past one year.. Interestingly, even though he hasn't appeared on icq for the past few years, there were a few times when it would have been great to have him online to chat with.. Not that I would complain/whine to this senior of course, especially when we don't exactly know each other.. yet, i really do appreciate the nuggets of wisdom he always seem to dispense (which unknowingly would be useful for me somehow..) or his bountiful optimism that would rub off on me.. at least a tiny bit..

It's been 5+ years since jc1.. Have I really become less shy, as what the senior said last year? Come to think of it, if I were forced into a similar interview session with both the seniors, would i still be as terrified? Maybe yes.. maybe no.. somehow, because of the two of them, I'm now able to tell myself 'since i managed to survive through their interview, there's nothing, no other interview that would be as scary..'

Interestingly, the 2 interviewers whom I feared so badly turned out to be the 2 whom I admire the most after all these years.. One for his intelligence and nice character, the other for his all-rounded-ness and his seemingly never ending optimism..

wonder how they are now.. wonder if i'll get to see the latter either on icq or in real life this year, just like the one occasion for each of the past few years..

In any case, thanks so much for pointing out the fact that i need to speak up, for the encouragement that you've given even though you didn't have to.. (esp the biscuits when I felt really awfully down...) or simply for being more of a friend whom i can look up to instead of a mere interviewer..

and of course, Happy belated birthday! (whichever part of the world you are at now...)

Eeeyore...

To think that I just told someone last night that he's stubborn.. and today, I'm no better.

Seriously, even though I love the students I taught, it doesn't mean I fancy having lunch or meeting up with every single one of them. Considering that I've told you before that I do NOT have anything to say to them, and that I even specifically told you NOT to add me into your conversations, and you being older than me, I thought you could understand that just cause you guys are close to them doesn't me I must too. Well, too bad, I was wrong. And I'm quite disgusted by the fact that you all did not seem to give me a choice whether to see not not to see either..

Well, to link back to my title.. perhaps you would like to know how stubborn and strong headed I can get.. No doubt I'll meet you guys for a meal ONCE... and that's it.. FULL STOP..

What a mentor is...

In the end, I still turned up for the SMP interview...

Puay San said something which was so true.. "In order for you to confide in anyone, you must first look up to them. If they cannot gain your trust, they are not someone you respect, you would not want to tell them your problems. No one likes to let others know the more shady side of themselves."

Actually, I wasn't totally truthful at the interview.. the part about how my secondary school life was like.. But i wasn't lying either.. I merely step-sided issues, that's all.. But it should be understandable.. considering what she said, right?

Anyway, back to work..

1st day at 16th floor.. Felt so tired today.. In fact, I even suspect something is wrong with my contacts... it just got super super dry.. Back to work.. Seriously, I think Mr Ling has the Mr Yeo's air... don't know how to describe.. don't know how to describe but he really reminds me of Mr Yeo..

Oh.. mum got an mc today.. Doc said that bump that she had on her foot for quite a long while could be a tumour.. gave her a referral to SGH in a month's time.. frankly, quite worried.. hmm...

Mid Year Resolution

Why do people only make resolutions at new year? Nevermind, shall buck the trend, since i do need to..

Anyway, was just pondering and noticing that I've been moody lately.. and have been bothering a whole load of people.. think to change!

yes, so my main resolution for now is to be... a chirp-ier me!! yupz.. shall try harder to do so..

meanwhile those who see/hear me sinking in depression can feel free to knock my head (but not use full force.. can?)

lalalalala...

Here's big kid talking.. =)

In a way, I admit I really behave like a big kid..

Even if I brush away concerns for being mushy.. pretend to overlook, not notice others concerns.. I truly still love being doted upon..

Somehow, Newton's 3rd law doesn't apply to every single thing in real life.. at least not the equal part..

The ones who should be showing concern for you don't.. yet, others whom you least thought need to care, do..

And it doesn't even have to be for major things.. simple gestures can bring tears to one's eyes too..

Like yesterday, when the day seemed to take a turn for the worse, was told of something that made me super touched..

Thanks Mr Yeo.. I really really do appreciate the allowance part.. Thank you..

Action-Reaction force

couldn't help but think of Newton's third law..

the more down you are, the higher you get....

Appreciation

Typed something to this topic yesterday.. wonder what's wrong with blogger..

frankly, whatever I type here, it's just my reflection on something i've read or seen.. nothing to do with how i'm feeling, unless i do leave a disclaimer stating so.. can't possibly expect me to type a disclaimer for every single entry, right?

still.. thanks for all the concern =)

thanks to the 2 unfortunate souls who had to replied my early morning sms yesterday, be it with a forwarded sms or not.. few words do mean quite a bit..

thanks also to the even more unfortunate soul who had his inbox bombarded by sms yesterday (though i'm quite sure he won't chance upon this.. still.. )

sounds like some award presentation huh? thanking this and that.. but it's just my way of saying thanks.. since i don't really seem to say so..

a bit over-high today.. not a very surreal feeling.. hmm..

but feeling quite bad now.. came back and realised my email add is selectively rejecting emails.. must have something to do with my high volume of incoming personal emails.. feel extremely bad now, cause unlike me, the other 2 are doing pupillage.. really do hope nothing happens.. i mean, i can leave after another 2 weeks.. but they'll be staying for quite a while.. really crossing my fingers now..

doubt they'll see this.. but if they do.. hey, really sorry!

Humans and atoms??

Only those with too much time on their hands spend time thinking about boliao matters..

Couldn't help but reflect on a particular association between the two items that I came across on someone's blog today..

What type of atom am I?

Atom with a stable octet structure similar to that of noble gases? Despite my potential coldness to people, the 'doesn't-really-matter' front that i put up occasionally, those who know me better would know my tendency to blow hot and cold.. actually, they don't even have to know me well even.. in fact, all they have to do is to be slightly more observant..

Which makes me a potential atom from between Group I to Group VII.

Somehow, it's amusing how this atom requires a high activation energy, is then able to form super strong bonds with other atoms, but at the same time, this bonds break down relatively fast too..

What a weird atom.. Doubt such element exists..

And then, there is the question of ionic or covalant bonding.. frankly, i really doubt any human-being-atom is capable of only one form of bonding. No doubt, similarity allows people to live together harmoniously, allows for a common topic of discussion. Just think about the times when all forms of human relationship become bland due to distance (and with that, differences).. On the other hand, covalently bonded particles may end up with communication problems too.. cause there's so much in common that everything is kept inside..

So.. the conclusion? I'm an atom from Group 4.5, an unstable in-between atom =)

Disclaimer: The writer (or rather typer, since it's typed and not written..) has NOT been conscienciously reviewing her sec sch and jc1 chemistry knowledge in years.. she does NOT warrant that all the chemical-related analogy are accurate.. In fact, she would like to point out that any chemical-related stuff typed here is merely conjured from her faultful memory =)

Sleepiness on a slack Monday afternoon

Seems like the first time I'm typing an entry in this blog during office hours.. There's really nothing much to do now, after I've read online Straits Times and New Paper, and even TKL's opinions on some website.. Yes, as one can tell, I'm really THAT bored..

Come to think of it, I've really toned down a lot by the time I'm doing attachment here. No more boliao questions like "Do you want me to help you sharpen your pencils?" Instead, I merely ask for work and if there's none, I'll just attempt to keep myself occupied.

Is this a sign of burn-out? I don't know, but I doubt so. Interestingly, a friend just commented about the lack of drive to get up and go to work in the morning. Sometime after lunch today, someone sms-ed me to ask about my previous attachment and the gist of it was how she didn't feel like going to work in a tiny cramp place.

Tiny and cramp? I guess people have different perceptions. No doubt, my first impression of that place was tiny.. as in it was really small.. Yet the feeling it gave me was some homely laid-back office.. not unlike the ones I've pictured in story books.. The feeling was just like a sleepy little place where everything was just.. comfy..

Actually, was very tempted to comment about the fact since she had the chance to see the place before she agreed to do the attachment, there isn't any reason why she should look down on the place even before she starts. I mean, if you detest a place even before you start, then you are never going to like it.. right? Perhaps I myself do not have to right to say it too.. It's so much easier to tell others off and then whine and complain when you meet with the same situation, I guess..

Yet, that draws me to another point.. does size of the place you work at matter? Read in a magazine last week that it does, at least to a law firm.. But, what if it's just deciding where to do pupillage at? Doesn't how one feel matter equally too?

Someone was vehemently disagreeing about this point last Saturday. Yes, I know.. there is no doubt that large firms do give pupils greater exposure and the scale of work is something that small firms would probably encounter. Yet, somehow, the usually non-confident me simply doesn't feel comfortable in a large environment. I'll just feel highly self conscious and be super quiet.. compare it to being in a small place, where even though i'll still feel a bit uncomfortable, I can still warm up to people more quickly and be more bubbly or at least dare to speak up.. In this case, shouldn't I just hole myself up in some smaller environment and be able to learn better, compared to being in a place where I get the chance to be exposed to a lot of matters, yet I don't feel comfortable at all, and not dare to voice out anything? It's so much like the girl I was in sec school compared to jc.. Even my mum thought I looked more cheerful in photos in jc.. especially with all the smiles..

So, should I take the 'by right' route or the 'by left' one? and if 'by left', what should the conclusion for the previous paragraph be? Hmmm....